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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Inlaws visiting

141 replies

HeCantBeSerious · 30/07/2016 22:39

(Apologies. I'm a long time poster but have forgotten my mumsnet password so reregistered. This may be long.)

DH's family live some distance away - around a 5 hour drive. To say visits are infrequent would be an understatement. We travel to them several times a year (there are loads of them so we try to see them all. It's harder now DC is in school.)

His parents were due to visit last Sept but cancelled to look after someone else's pet. They rearranged for Easter, then cancelled because another relative needed their help with something. (We later found out they didn't go to see the other relative but also didn't bother coming to us.) That was the last straw for me and I stopped encouraging DH to invite them down.

I'm a SAHM. DH's contract finishes at the end of August. We have no idea where we're going to find an income from then (I'm applying for things but not been successful yet). We've no holiday planned because we don't know whether DH will be able to take any time off. So August BH weekend will be the only decent chunk of time we'll have as a family.

He has today invited his parents down that weekend, so that he and his dad can go out drinking. His mother won't commit but says if they do come they'll be bringing DH's grandad who is not in good health and can't walk/do stairs. (We have no downstairs bedrooms and just one massive lounge. Granddad likes to be in bed by 9pm.)

He started arranging this with no consultation with me. I've just pointed out that he's basically asking me and DC to do very little with his mother and grandad while he goes out drinking with his father. I've said I'm not very happy about our only decent few days of family time being used in this way.

He thinks IABU because it's not often he gets chance to drink with his dad.

(We're in marriage therapy at the moment and this demonstrable lack of support is a common theme. I'm at my wits end with it.)

So where do I go from here?

(He also had a bit of a strop about us not having any plans to celebrate our wedding anniversary, which is one of the days he'd be out with his dad while I babysit his relatives.)

OP posts:

Original poster

HeCantBeSerious · 31/07/2016 19:09

Would he do the same for you?

Funny you should ask. DC and I have travelled to see my family without him for probably the last 3 years (possibly more).

OP posts:

ddrmum · 31/07/2016 19:21

Let him entertain his family. He invited them. Pop off and visit you're own family I'd it isn't too difficult. My exh used to invite his family over for the day. They'd arrive in 2 cars full with anyone they felt like bringing along for me to feed & wait on. Got wise & started going shopping - all day!!

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 31/07/2016 19:26

Personally I couldn't just stay quiet and hope the visit doesn't happen.

It might, despite the last few times
you'll be on tenterhooks from now till then wondering
if it doesn't happen there is a sense of relief but you won't have drawn your line in the sand so he may well do it again.

Whether they turn up or not, your 'D'H has shown how much he thinks of you this time, I wouldn't be giving him another chance.

Original poster

HeCantBeSerious · 31/07/2016 20:26

I've had a gentle word. Said that it's not really fair for him to go out for so much of the weekend and leave me looking after DC, MIL and GFIL, especially given their needs are so different. He suggested several potential tourist places to go, all of which revolve around walking quite long distances. . I asked whether that meant GFIL could suddenly deal with stairs - he said he doesn't know. Said he didn't realise it was so onerous spending time with them. I pointed out that back when he did come to visit my grandma, I didn't go out for the day and leave him with her. He pointed out that I did go to the shop (corner, for a paper for her. Max of 2 mins each way.). Gave my best and left the thought with him.

OP posts:

Missgraeme · 31/07/2016 20:30

Get online and book a cheap campsite for u and the kids. Tell him to enjoy his week end with HIS family!!

Original poster

HeCantBeSerious · 31/07/2016 20:34

No. I don't camp.

OP posts:

BlackeyedSusan · 31/07/2016 20:36

can your family put you up for the weekend?

Original poster

HeCantBeSerious · 31/07/2016 20:39

They aren't very far away. Wouldn't that be really rude towards my inlaws though?

OP posts:

HarryPottersMagicWand · 31/07/2016 20:41

YANBU. Stop trying to point out the obvious. He isn't interested at all. Does he even want a family? Sounds like he has checked out.

I'd make my plans, even if it was a cheap travelodge somewhere and takes kids on days trips and later on, tell him this is what you are doing. He makes plans without bothering to consult you so why don't you do the same! Who gives a shit if it means MIL and DGF being stuck in alone at yours, it's not your problem in the slightest.

I don't consider ILs my family either but I don't see it that you marry the family, you marry one person and they become your family.

RandomMess · 31/07/2016 20:48

So basically your DH wants to go drinking at the beer festival all bank holiday weekend and if he invites his parents that means he can do with his Dad and therefore you shouldn't complain or have a valid point, whereas if he was going with his mates he knows he wouldn't have a leg to stand on?

Original poster

HeCantBeSerious · 31/07/2016 20:54

He doesn't really have any mates to go with. Think those that might have been interested are away then (with their families).

OP posts:

RandomMess · 31/07/2016 20:58

The point I was making though - would he think it appropriate to go out drinking with a mate for those 2 days under your current circumstances? The fact he is inviting his parents in order to go is a bit of a red herring...

He's not inviting them to spend time together as a family it's so he has someone to go to the bl**dy beer festival with!

OvariesBeforeBrovaries · 31/07/2016 21:00

YANBU. At all.

Go and take your kids to stay with your family. Who cares if it's rude to your inlaws; they're rude for taking such little interest in your family over the years, and your husband is rude to try and dump them on you.

They are his family, not yours. And his responsibility. Go and have a nice weekend with your kids and don't give his family a second thought.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 31/07/2016 21:43

He wants to spend the weekend getting off his face. So he is doing that. He is making damn sure he gets to do what he wants even if it screws you over. So do the same as him: exactly as you damn well please.

You don't want to spend your weekend caring for his family on your own while he gets shitfaced (15 pints!). That's it. You don't want to. So make damn sure you don't.

So what if his family think you are rude? They are bloody rude to you. So what if he thinks he is entitled to a weekend of fun? You are entitled to a weekend of fun too. Assume they all hate you already and will continue to hate you. Give them something good to moan about.

You will not come out in green pustules if people bitch and moan and think you are a mean cowbag.

BlackeyedSusan · 31/07/2016 22:34

if it is rude to your inlaws, then it will be his problem to sort. he did not ask whether you minded... so tough luck.

I suspect this will be a make or break weekend. he has shown so little regard for you that it might not be worth saving. it also might shock him into seeing that you will not put up with the crap he is dealing out.

mine used to be so offended at the mere thought of me not seeing his parents and insist that I saw them on their birthdays and for Christmas. then a couple of weeks later when it was my dad's birthday he would bugger off 15 minutes into the visit to meet his friends leaving me with young children to look after, returning for the tea that I had shopped for and prepared.

Original poster

HeCantBeSerious · 31/07/2016 22:41

First row had. He's been on the phone to them and they're worried about the bank holiday traffic. So he's told them to come Thursday to Tuesday.

He asked about food so I said it was up to him what gets eaten (he doesn't cook) or what gets booked for meals out etc. He hit the roof. It's all so unfair, he can't have his family to his house, and if it's so much trouble for me I can fuck off for the weekend and he and DC will see them. Didn't point out that he's not actually planning on seeing many of them as they aren't old enough to drink/can barely walk or are teetotal.

OP posts:

Canyouforgiveher · 31/07/2016 23:37

and if it's so much trouble for me I can fuck off for the weekend and he and DC will see them

Say, do you know what, that is a lovely idea. I'll go to see my mum/sister/friend. Do you want me to bring dc?

The only reason I would bring dc is that it will be a grim weekend for him without you.

Mycraneisfixed · 31/07/2016 23:42

Why are you still with this man?

CodyKing · 01/08/2016 00:02

can fuck off for the weekend and he and DC will see them.

your only answer is OK thanks! See you Tuesday.

Job done

He has no idea how hard it is to host other people - especially ones with needs to be considered - his family his problem.

Original poster

HeCantBeSerious · 01/08/2016 00:08

I dont want to leave DC with him. Considering other options including moving out

OP posts:

Mozismyhero · 01/08/2016 00:25

hortonwhc.wordpress.com/

This place looks good if you want a cheap weekend away and to leave him to it. I've never been, came across it on another mumsnet thread.

The chances are, it won't happen and they'll cancel again. I'd just go along with it then, if they do come, get away somewhere rather than baby sit his family.

ohfourfoxache · 01/08/2016 00:28

Call his bluff.

Tell him you've taken him at his word and that you're off to stay with a friend from the Wednesday morning, so he had better sort out childcare.

Oh, and you'll be back the following Wednesday.

Alternatively, see a solicitor and LTB. Personally I think that's what I would do.

ohfourfoxache · 01/08/2016 00:29

Even if they do cancel, do you really want to stay with him? He really does sound like a prick

ilovelamp82 · 01/08/2016 01:39

What is there to think about here? Just book a long weekend away with your kids. Or go to your parents. The fact that he is trying to make you feel bad in all this for not looking after his dm and gf while he goes off and get drunk is beyond ridiculous. The fact that he did this without even discussing it with you shows his complete lack of respect for you.

He then has the cheek to extend the trip, again without consulting with you. Then assumes that you will be doing all the cooking and when you quite rightly point out that you won't (I assume he wouldn't the other way round), he has the audacity to tell you to fuck off?!?! Seriously??????

Why are you with him? In the snippets of information that you have given us, he has shown how little respect he has for you and how far down on his list of priorities you are. Try to see things clearly OP.

You are worried your in laws might find it rude if you go and stay with your parents. This is because you are clearly a nice, normal person. You stated at the beginning of this thread how they have repeatedly done the same thing to you.

You're worried about spending family money on taking the kids somewhere on a bank holiday weekend, yet there are funds available for your dh to go out drinking all weekend.

While you are putting everyone else first, who is even considering you? Although it might feel totally unnatural, book yourself a weekend somewhere with the kids. Don't enter into an argument with your dh about it. You are doing absolutely nothing wrong no matter how many different ways he tries to tell you you are. Enjoy your break with your kids. Really enjoy it.

Then I would have a long hard think about being in a relationship with someone who doesn't value my opinion, treat you with any respect and swears at you when you don't toe the line with his unreasonable expectations.

You and your kids are worth more than that, even if he doesn't think so.

ShotsFired · 01/08/2016 09:23

They aren't very far away. Wouldn't that be really rude towards my inlaws though?

OP, I was in a similar situation a while ago. OH announced that one of his relatives was coming to stay which fucked up previously made plans of ours. And he was also fully expecting me to be around/host the relative/make all the plans.

But....fuck that. I made my own arrangements for one of the days the relative was here. Like you I felt bad for the way it would look to the relative, but I steeled myself and did it. I didn't bother telling him till he was asking me what we should do that weekend.

He was quite shocked I had done what I'd threatened during a previous argument about it, but didn't really say anything - how could he?

And you know what? I had a lovely stress free, fun and enjoyable day doing my thing. I also just bogged off the following day as well, without so much as a by your leave. But only for a couple of hours that time

Do what YOU want to OP. You will only resent him and regret it yourself if you don't. and it will make your position clear for future - you agree and do things like this together, or not at all.

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