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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want my husband to come with us?

82 replies

Mollmoo · 30/07/2016 10:42

I'll try to make this as brief as possible... My brother lives abroad, a +10 hour flight. DC, aged 4.3 and 1.8 haven't been out to see him. We missed his wedding because I was 3 weeks away from giving birth with DD2. We've been invited out for thanksgiving in November. DH really didn't want to go, price, a long flight, jet lag etc with 2 small children = not fun. Initially I agreed, however I really want to go. My DP are going out too and have offered to pay for DC and we will be staying with relatives when out there. I told DH I wanted to go with my DP and DC and that I was happy to go on my own as I would have my DP for help. He said if I'm going he will come too. I just know that he will be stressed and miserable on the flight, which will make me stressed and miserable, and will moan any time DC get grumpy. I honestly think it will be easier and less stressful if he's not there! Am I being a massive b!tch? I know he's trying to be supportive. WWYD?

OP posts:

Crunchymum · 30/07/2016 10:50

Got confused there - thought you had a dear partner and a dear husband!!

CoraPirbright · 30/07/2016 10:56

Is it just the flight that would be the problem? How about sitting him far away from the 3 of you so that he doesnt have to see/hear anything that goes on?

Far, far from ideal obviously - in a perfect world, he should suck it up like any parent of small children has to do, muck in and help you. However, on a practical level......

m0therofdragons · 30/07/2016 10:59

Tell him the deal. I think yabu.

ZenMom · 30/07/2016 11:01

Book seperate seats far away from each other on the plane ;) will be worth the fee

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia · 30/07/2016 11:02

does he only ever do the fun things?...he sounds a bit prickish if I am honest

happy to put you off going as he does not want to go, but once you are going, with help laid on in the from of your parents he's all over it like a rash.

I'd lay out my expectations regarding HIS children and HIS obligations cos it seems to me he could certainly do with some telling!

ColaSpangles · 30/07/2016 11:04

Tell him kindly that he doesn't need to come out of duty and in fact if it's going to be stressful for him it might be easier if he stays at home. The penny may drop that he's being selfish in his behaviour!

Smidge001 · 30/07/2016 11:05

I understand your dilemma! My H is crap at flying. He gets stressy from the moment he wakes up and through the entire journey til the following day - and only ever remembers the negatives. I find his attitude really wearing. I absolutely LOVE flying and even find fun in the queues (thinking up stories about other travellers, pointing out the dopey ones who still haven't noticed the available check in desk, betting to myself about which queue will go down the quickest etc!!) My H zaps all the fun out of it and prefer travelling alone by a million percent!

I know he is just an anxious traveller and generally quite a negative person so he's not doing it on purpose, but I'd definitely be pushing for you to go with your Ps and C, leaving him at home.

Can you suggest for the cost saving he could get a trip away with his mates if he doesn't come with you?

Original poster

Mollmoo · 30/07/2016 11:08

Sorry crunchymum meant my parents. It's not some weird open marriage!

corapirbright the flight would be the main problem, but I can see him having a couple of strops out there if DC are playing up because they are tired and jet-lagged. Don't get me wrong, I do love him and it would be nice for him to come too. However, like you said on a practical level, I just know what he'll be like. I rather have just the 2 children to worry about not 3!

I'm liking the idea of separate seats! X

OP posts:

LoreleiGilmoreIsMyBFF · 30/07/2016 11:13

Separate planes?

SpecialAgentFreyPie · 30/07/2016 11:24

If it's just the flight, YABU. I'm sure you're frustrating to him when things stress you out, we all get annoying when stressed!
But that isn't a valid excuse to effectively ban him from a family holiday. Imagine how hurt you'd be if the scenario were reversed?

Finola1step · 30/07/2016 11:29

Long haul, 3 seats together and 1 separate. We did this last year due to seating cock up. Was really annoyed at first but, it was bliss. DH and I took it in turns to have a break and sit in lone seat. Kids were great. We will be doing it again by choice this year.

RandomMess · 30/07/2016 11:36

Tell him that it would be much more helpful if he took a few days off work when you arrive back to help you and the DC get over the jet lag...

hrtbigbutt · 30/07/2016 11:37

book dh on another flight accidentally

VioletBam · 30/07/2016 11:38

Of course he should come! He's your DH! If he's that awful that you can't bear the thought of flying with him, why are you even with him?

This is basic shit!

Girlgonewild · 30/07/2016 11:44

Many a married couple would pay good money to be apart for a week or two! Just tell him you are looking forward to a lovely holiday just with him and the children later and that this trip would not be fun for him.

SpecialAgentFreyPie · 30/07/2016 11:45

Violet put it more eloquently than me I agree.

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 30/07/2016 11:46

Just tell him straight. You want to go and see your brother, with your parents & children & due to his gloom mongering & stressy Sam routine he will spoil it if he comes, so best he doesn't.

24601ButYouCanCallMeValjean · 30/07/2016 11:51

Yeah, it's stressful when kids are tired and acting up but your DH, as the adult, needs to man up and deal with it like a good parent. You shouldn't have to deal with him acting like a child as well.

The flight, I can kind of understand. Some people struggle with travelling and a 10 hour flight with two young children sounds stressful. However, again, as an adult, he needs to suck it up and deal with it in a mature way.

Ragwort · 30/07/2016 12:00

I disagree with Violet - plenty of couples take their children on separate holidays ............ you are not all joined at the hip, this sounds a lovely holiday for you, your children, parents and siblings.

My DH and I frequently holiday separately, with or without DC. For example they all love skiing - I don't, so what is the point on spending ££££s for me to have a week in a ski resort?

Does your DH really want to go or does he feel he ought to say he wants to go?

DoreenLethal · 30/07/2016 12:01

Why does he suddenly want to go now? Does he not let you do anything alone?

ishallconquerthat · 30/07/2016 12:01

I wouldn't book separate seat AT ALL. I would be resentful flying with 2 kids while he has wine and watch films.

I guess in your situation I would lay down the rules - no complaining, no acting out, etc. I would write down all you said here (about having patience with jetlagged kids, etc) - and then ask him if he wants to go or not. Then I would probably print these rules and show him every time he annoyed me.

Seriously, you have 2 children, you don't need a manchild on top of that!

Fairenuff · 30/07/2016 12:02

This is a terrible relationship. Your husband is the person you have chosen as a life partner. To help you through difficult times, to share life experiences, to raise children together...

I can't imagine not wanting my husband with me at such a family event and I can't imagine him behaving like you have described. I think you need to reassess your relationship as this sounds awful.

NapQueen · 30/07/2016 12:02

I'd say "oh that will be great, since you are on hand for the flights I'll make sure we are seated well away from my folks so they don't feel obligated to help on the plane" and see what he says

LagunaBubbles · 30/07/2016 12:05

What is it about flying that stresses him out so much?

dowhatnow · 30/07/2016 12:18

I'd lay out "the rules" too and ask him if he genuinely thinks he can adhere to them. If not then I'd tell him I want to go alone. Don't let him off the hook by pandering to him with separate seats etc.

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