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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my husband to come with us?

82 replies

Mollmoo · 30/07/2016 10:42

I'll try to make this as brief as possible... My brother lives abroad, a +10 hour flight. DC, aged 4.3 and 1.8 haven't been out to see him. We missed his wedding because I was 3 weeks away from giving birth with DD2. We've been invited out for thanksgiving in November. DH really didn't want to go, price, a long flight, jet lag etc with 2 small children = not fun. Initially I agreed, however I really want to go. My DP are going out too and have offered to pay for DC and we will be staying with relatives when out there. I told DH I wanted to go with my DP and DC and that I was happy to go on my own as I would have my DP for help. He said if I'm going he will come too. I just know that he will be stressed and miserable on the flight, which will make me stressed and miserable, and will moan any time DC get grumpy. I honestly think it will be easier and less stressful if he's not there! Am I being a massive b!tch? I know he's trying to be supportive. WWYD?

OP posts:
JessieMcJessie · 30/07/2016 12:19

What's such a big deal about the long flight? If he genuinely liked your family I imagine he'd see it as a necessary evil for a nice family occasion and just suck it up.

He sounds massively childish and unsupportive to be honest- if he's like this about a simple flight for holiday ffs, how is he with things in life that are REALLY shit?

24601ButYouCanCallMeValjean · 30/07/2016 12:22

Lay out the rules and type them up so you can refer to them when he is getting grumpy?!? Seriously?!?

If you treat him like a child, he will act like a child. If I had to lay out those kinds of rules with my DP, I wouldn't still be with him. And he would have left me because he wouldn't appreciate being patronised and put down.

happypoobum · 30/07/2016 12:24

Can you explain exactly what the problem is with his childish behaviour? And what his behaviour on the flight is likely to be?
He doesn't sound great so far............

Ragwort · 30/07/2016 12:27

Agree with 24601 - do couples really 'lay down rules' for each other Hmm.

I am sure there are lots of things my DH would like me to do differently but there is no chance of him 'laying down rules' for me in a million years - likewise I wouldn't treat him like that. Surely a relationship is about discussion and compromise ............... you need to talk through this trip, there is no need for your DH to accompany you if he really doesn't want to.

SuperFlyHigh · 30/07/2016 12:28

The flight I can see why he could be grouchy and yes book separate seats but seriously him having a couple of strops whilst you're out there if the kids are tired and play up due to jet lag?! Shock

How does he parent them generally or does he just leave it to you? I'd be having a talk along the lines of Buck up your ideas re your strops with your kids when they're jet lagged and if he can't do that, he can't come. Why should his bad parenting spoil your happy holiday and also I presume you and your DP and DB etc wouldn't strop with your kids over the jet lag.

Lorelei76 · 30/07/2016 12:34

have I got this right
he doesn't want to go

he's now changed his mind because....well why? Is it that he thinks it looks bad if he isn't there?

I think it's insane to let him off parenting by sitting away from him.

If he is only churlishly going along because he fears social judgement, tell him to naff off.

dowhatnow · 30/07/2016 12:36

I mentioned laying out the rules but I meant telling him firmly that he'd have to interact with everyone with good grace and humour, or to not bother to come. I certainly didn't mean more than that. If more is really needed then there are bigger problems in the relationship than whether he comes on this trip or not,

JustAnotherPoster00 · 30/07/2016 12:37

Wonder how long its gonna take before the first LTB

diddl · 30/07/2016 12:40

So he thinks that he can tag along now because someone else will be paying for & supervising his kids??

Hahahahaha!

Either don't book a seperate seat-or if you do, make sure that it's for ypu!

KC225 · 30/07/2016 12:58

We always sit separately on planes since having kids. Our young twins would be quieter with no fighting when separated, see we would sit two and two at opposite ends of the plane. Now we have a long, long drive to the airport. DH drives and then I sit with the twins now they are older. DH gets some shuteye. Everyone's happy.

If it's more than the flight, you need to have a chat with him. The children will also be tired, jetlagged so they are bound to have cranky moments. He needs to man up or opt out. Personally, I would be happy to go by myself, you don't need the stress. There are people to help you with the children. Leave him at home, phone him regularly and get him a good present. You are going to see family, you don't need him showing you up being a moody sulk.

ishallconquerthat · 30/07/2016 12:59

24601 he is the one acting like a child, that's why laying down rules may be necessary. In this situation, it seems that the best thing for everyone is that DH simply doesn't go.

He insisted on going while OP doesn't want him to. In this case, ¬rules¬ may be the lesser of 2 evils.

(not all of us have the amazing DHs and fantastic marriages some MN posters believe to be the rule. So we have to make do with what we have. In fact, I don't know any very happy couple amongst my friends, after kids)

Griphook · 30/07/2016 13:25

What happenes when he breaks the rules?

NPowerShitShower · 30/07/2016 13:34

Well he sounds like a waste of space. I live in the US and travel back to the UK with two small DC often. It's not fun but doable, and especially if both DH and I travel. We also tend to sit 2 and 2, and it's fine. Why is he so unsupportive?

Memoires · 30/07/2016 14:36

Can you tell your husband how you feel? Ask him to make an effort so you enjoy your time. I must admit, in your place I'd be very tempted to tell him exactly what you've said here.

PovertyPain · 30/07/2016 15:11

What happenes when he breaks the rules?

He gets thrown off the plane.....

......even if it's still in the air. Wink

ishallconquerthat · 30/07/2016 15:20

If he breaks the rules he goes to time out :)

Seriously: if I agree something with my DH and he doesn't do as he promised, I keep repeating what we agreed, exactly as I've learnt in one of those assertiveness courses. (the "broken record technique" explained here)

So in this case OP would repeat the rules - with which he agreed before (assuming he did) - to her DH. It's not the best way to live, but it works sometimes, and it's definitely better than being dragged into a shouty argument when someone is behaving like a cunt.

Original poster
Mollmoo · 30/07/2016 18:59

Thank you for all your comments, positive & negative Confused Smile
I'm glad some people understand, it makes me feel like a bit less of a cow. Wink
He said it's not fair to me to have to do it on my own. So he's trying to be supportive and helpful! I know, I shouldn't grumble. Plus he gets on well with my family and when we get there it will be fun.
I guess the main issue with the flight will be that neither DC are good at sleeping, so they won't sleep on the flight, he will be concious of other people on the flight if/ when they are being noisy. Me, I couldn't care less what other people think, they are children. I think I may well try the suggestion of separate seats.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mollmoo · 30/07/2016 20:25

I feel like I should defend DH as I have perhaps made him out to be a dick! Is he perfect? No.
Am I perfect? No.
Is he a good father? Yes.
Does he love me and DC? Yes.
Does he get easily stressed out when DC are playing up? Yes.
Does this make him a bad person? No.
Are there times I wish he would react differently? Yes.
Does this mean I don't love him and we have a bad marriage? No, I don't think so.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 30/07/2016 21:49

Looks like you have all the answers you need then OP Grin

quasibex · 30/07/2016 23:19

mollmoo I love my DH dearly and he's a great dad. However when it comes to travelling anywhere he turns into the world's biggest prat and would argue with a saint for being too saintly so completely get why you'd prefer to journey/holiday without your DH.

Unless there's a substantial reason why his attending is necessary I make us going without him seem like it's his idea and the best option for us all. So far it's worked and the absence has made him more appreciative of us and vice versa.

Lilacpink40 · 30/07/2016 23:31

Mollmoo you said you'd rather have 2 DC on the plane rather than 3. I understand that perspective, I had it for almost 2 decades with my STBXH. He didn't grow out of it, but sometimes I wish I'd try to have tackled it earlier.

When your DH is on the plane expect him to act like an adult and talk to him as an adult. If you set yourself up as his parent, he'll act like another child and you'll have a harder life. I know from experience that living like that doesn't have a happy ending.

Mycraneisfixed · 31/07/2016 17:49

Tell him exactly what you've told us. Then he has to decide to behave like a grown up with small children or, if he can't promise that, he doesn't go with you.

theredjellybean · 31/07/2016 18:03

i think he is now coming as feels obliged and doesnt want your family to think badly of him, plus he will get a holiday with grandparents on hand to do childcare...

if he had genuinely wanted to come on this trip, see your family, enjoy the whole experience of taking his children to USA to celebrate thanksgiving and all that entails he would have said yes at the beginning.

I am sorry OP , i am sure he is a good dad in most circumstances but you yourself said it would be easier to go without him.

this is your family, your holiday, your trip...and i think you will be on edge if he comes, worrying about kids being kids, jet lag, noise on plane etc making your DH stressy and grumpy...that will spoil your holiday.

I would tell him that it is lovely he wanted to support and help you, but you know how stressful he finds travelling with the little ones and that you would are happy to go alone and yes look at the money we have saved and we can use that for a family holiday all together somewhere in UK ...

Shona52 · 31/07/2016 18:11

Book him a separate seat away from you and the kids Grin.

My DH the same when he's made to do thinks he doesn't like so I point blank refuse to take him to something he's going to spoil for me.

Tell him how important it is to you and if he can not make the effort to as least seem to enjoy it you rather him not go.

Hillfarmer · 31/07/2016 18:24

His behaviour lets him off the hook from having to do childcare that any reasonable parent would undertake. Result! (for him, natch)

I get easily stressed out when my children are playing up. I would worry that they might disturb other passengers on a long trip. But I would make sure they had lots of things to occupy them and strain every sinew to make sure people were bothered as little as possible. And it is up to me. I travel alone because I am a single parent. It makes it easier than travelling with a co-parent who feels that their stress is more important and meaningful than your stress, that their effort is more valuable than your effort or that misbehaving kids are entirely your responsibility. It saves a lot of heartache doing it on your own.

And when you get there you can be equally sure there is no-one likely to have a meltdown in front of your family and humiliate you. It is so refreshing!

Just sayin'.

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