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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want my husband to come with us?

82 replies

Mollmoo · 30/07/2016 10:42

I'll try to make this as brief as possible... My brother lives abroad, a +10 hour flight. DC, aged 4.3 and 1.8 haven't been out to see him. We missed his wedding because I was 3 weeks away from giving birth with DD2. We've been invited out for thanksgiving in November. DH really didn't want to go, price, a long flight, jet lag etc with 2 small children = not fun. Initially I agreed, however I really want to go. My DP are going out too and have offered to pay for DC and we will be staying with relatives when out there. I told DH I wanted to go with my DP and DC and that I was happy to go on my own as I would have my DP for help. He said if I'm going he will come too. I just know that he will be stressed and miserable on the flight, which will make me stressed and miserable, and will moan any time DC get grumpy. I honestly think it will be easier and less stressful if he's not there! Am I being a massive b!tch? I know he's trying to be supportive. WWYD?

OP posts:

KatieCelf · 31/07/2016 18:25

No yanbu! I'd be the same, if he'd make you stressed and ruin your trip I wouldn't want him there either!

lozzylizzy · 31/07/2016 18:32

I'm still baffled at you saying your kids are 4.3 and 1.8......

CasanovaFrankenstein · 31/07/2016 19:37

So you both didn't initially think it was a great idea, you've changed your mind and he's said he'll go too.

But he doesn't like flying or just doesn't deal well when there's a stressful/non ideal situation involving the children?

DeadGood · 31/07/2016 19:40

I don't think it's a problem tbh, I can see why you'd want to enjoy yourself and not stress

Goingtobeawesome · 31/07/2016 19:56

YANBU to go alone and you should. He didn't want to go and suddenly does now. He doesn't want you going without him, why! He doesn't want to miss out, miss out on what?

You should go. Leave misery twat at home.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 31/07/2016 20:04

Well, it sounds like you disapprove of his parenting but actually know it is just a matter of parenting style not anything genuinely wrong (because you say he is a good father).

So, book two sets of two seats, far apart in the plane. He takes full responsibility for one child far away from you where you can't see him parenting "wrong". Be apart at the airport too if you have to, go for separate walks around the terminal with your allocated child.

Sunshineonacloudyday · 31/07/2016 20:05

I understand why he is stressed it is a long flight with small children. I wouldn't judge him for wanting to go now because your DP will take the pressure off. I don't understand why you want to leave him behind you come across a bit selfish. Me and my partner went to Jamaica 12 years ago when my daughter was 9 months old and it weren't easy then. I had to feed her and the mess I left behind the stewardess looked at me in horror, I was very embarrassed.

Sunshineonacloudyday · 31/07/2016 20:09

I went on a 4 hour plane trip to Lanzarote and my daughter was sick in a bag on the way there and on the way back. Have you thought about that a long flight is no joke. If you leave in the morning which you probably will you can't keep the children still for 10 plus hours. You have to think of everything before going on a long journey like that.

Sunshineonacloudyday · 31/07/2016 20:15

If you are not prepared for that long plane flight you can't just hand the children over to you're parents when they get grumpy and bored. You may need you're DH with you. How was you going to tell him that you don't want him to come with you and the children. I would love to be a fly on the wall listening to that discussion.

MammouthTask · 31/07/2016 20:20

I have been there with DH and can fully understand where you are coming from.
Sometimes, travel can be made much harder when one of the parents is there but actually ressent being there. Yes he probably wants to support you, wants to be going etc... But there is a clear possibility that he will make it 100x harder for you if you have to deal with the dcs grumpiness AND his grumpiness too.

I have to say, I woul make it very clear to him that if he comes, he isn't 'allowed' to be grumpy etc...
I suspect you can try and agree before leaving on what sort of behaviour will or won't be acceptable but I also suspect it will go out of the window after a couple of hours.

CatNip2 · 31/07/2016 20:21

Sounds to me he doesn't want to go or the expense but doesn't want you all to have a holiday without him.

Unlike some others I dont have a problem going abroad without your DH, mine wanted us both to go to NZ for the Lions tour, I fancied seeing NZ but this holiday would be a rugby tour with rugby people, he really wanted me to go, I really didn't want to spend 5k and 35 hours travelling to watch sport. I didn't stop him going.

He owes me one

Twodogsandahooch · 31/07/2016 20:32

DP is completely acopic travelling too. He gets completely stressed about everything - the weight of the luggage, getting onto the car park bus, by security he is about to conbust. Really don't understand why.

It's highly amusing when we travel with his dad because he is the total opposite, relaxed to the point where we are on the verge of missing flights.

Twodogsandahooch · 31/07/2016 20:33

Sorry have n't Added much to the thread . If you think your DH would enjoy the trip once he's there I would encourage him to come. If not go on your own

lastofthewintergin · 31/07/2016 20:42

No YANBU. Go on your own and enjoy it. He didn't want to go in the first place (he doesn't value you having family time) and sounds like he would just be a miserable git.

ample · 31/07/2016 20:44

If he can't get a grip it together for a family holiday then leave him at home.
Suddenly he's had a complete turn around . Is it because your parents are paying for him as well, and that his in-laws are on hand to help with the children, OP?

MammouthTask · 31/07/2016 20:51

More likely because he feels he ought to go ample

Liara · 31/07/2016 20:56

I think you are being a bit unfair. My family live a 17+ hr flight away and dh never looks forward to our going. However, when the dc were tiny, although he would have a grumble before we went once out of the house he was nothing but helpful, supportive and wonderful.

I wouldn't have contemplated doing a long flight with the two dc when they were small without him.

It's probably also the case that although he thinks the upheaval is not worth it, he doesn't want to be away from you and the dc for the length of the trip. Isn't that a consideration for you?

AcrossthePond55 · 31/07/2016 21:00

I'd talk to my parents well beforehand and ask them if they'd consider one of them swapping seats if DH 'acted up'. If they agree (happily, not grudgingly) then I might be tempted to give it a try. But I'd make it very clear to DH that it wasn't a 'get out of jail free' card and that I expected him to act like an adult, not a child.

I don't think there's anything wrong with holidaying without one's spouse. The DC and I often visited family with my parents without him as I had a very liberal leave policy and his was very strict and neither of us wanted him to use his leave to visit my extended family. Even now that the DC are grown and gone we'll take trips with friends as both of us has a hobby that the other isn't interested in.

Hillfarmer · 31/07/2016 23:57

I'd talk to my parents well beforehand and ask them if they'd consider one of them swapping seats if DH 'acted up'.

Imagine the humiliation of OP actually having to broach this with her parents! What would they think? Their daughter asks them to be on hand to help her with the children, when and if (but most likely when) their son-in-law and father to their grandchildren decides to refuse to parent his own children on the flight.

I know what they'd think. They'd think he was a shit and an awful partner. I thnk the likelihood that OP puts this to her parents as a request is vanishingly small.

Most of these suggestions are practical, pragmatic suggestions - kindly meant - for coping around what is absolutely fucking outrageous behaviour from OP's DH.

He said if I'm going he will come too. I just know that he will be stressed and miserable on the flight, which will make me stressed and miserable, and will moan any time DC get grumpy. I honestly think it will be easier and less stressful if he's not there! Am I being a massive b!tch? I know he's trying to be supportive

He's not trying to be supportive. He's giving himself a way to renege on any promises to behave with decency. He's already used the 'threat' of not coming at all - oh dear that didn't work as OP said 'Ok that's fine I'll take the DC on my own'. Great. So then he changes tack. 'OK I'll go with you. It will be shit and we'll be stressed but I had better go to help you cope'. Er, no. OP is now faced with him coming along and making her feel massively more stressed! And she now manages to feel like a bitch as well! Even more of a result for him. Now, he's going to come and reserves the right to make her life a misery. And her arm is right up her back, as the only opportunity to get extra help is from her parents - but if she asks them for help, it will be glaringly obvious to them that she is married to a shit, and that is incredibly humiliating for her.

I think we are looking at this from the wrong end of the telescope. It's not about 'how to cope' with DH on a long haul flight and subsequent family holiday, it's 'how the fuck does anyone think he is reasonable?' and go from there.

robinia · 01/08/2016 10:42

Bottom line is, does he want to go? He is entitled to change his mind from his earlier position.
If he does want to go, then work together to get the best solution for you both on the flight. If he gets 'free time' on the flight then maybe he can pay it back to you with lie-ins while you are out there.

robinia · 01/08/2016 10:45

And fwiw, I find travel stressful. Not the kids part of it but all the rest. Getting there on time, parking the car, getting the baggage checked in. It's a high stress time for me so I can totally understand that if he doesn't do stressy kids very well either it's an absolute nightmare for him. I'd cut him a bit of slack on the travel if he's prepared to give back a bit in other ways.

theredjellybean · 01/08/2016 16:36

agree completely with hillfarmer...he now begrudgingly says he will go and mumsnetters rush in to say he should have his own seat on plane away from those pesky annoying kids !!!
err...i dont get it...he didnt want to go originally, he begrudged the cost to OP to go see her family and now he will go ( note after GPs stepped up to the palte) but OP is already envisioning how he will make it hard work for her.

I do not think he should go ...why should he get free holiday with stress free travel ?

I travelled extensively long haul with toddlers ..my exdh always suddenly had an urgent meeting to attend on the day we were due to fly and sweetly used to say ' you go on ahead and enjoy time wiht your mum..i will catch a flight 2 days later '....took me ages to wake up to it !

myownprivateidaho · 01/08/2016 16:51

I do think yabu for excluding him from a family occasion/holiday tbh. If there's a good reason to exclude him, then surely that's a bigger problem than this one trip? It's not great that a long trip with your two small children will be more rather than less stressful if their dad is there too...

myownprivateidaho · 01/08/2016 16:56

To put it another way, would you be cool with him taking your kids to see his family abroad (hypothetically!), for a week or so, and telling you you can't come because it would be stressful if you were there? I'd be so hurt if I was in that position. Which is not to say that he wouldn't make things stressful. Just that is it really a good idea to be in a relationship/co-parenting with someone like that? I'm not getting it, sorry.

BorpBorpBorp · 01/08/2016 16:59

He can come or not come, whatever he wants, but why should he get to come but get out of dealing with (even sitting next to!) your shared children on the flight? I don't think he can pick and choose.

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