AIB an U-ly bad parent?

[deliverdaniel]

How well behaved are 'normal' children? I just can't work out if my kids are normal for their age, or if their behaviour is unusually bad and I am a shockingly bad mother and it's really starting to get me down.

We have two boys, aged 5 and 2 (nearly 6 and 3) and our lives regularly dissolve into complete chaos. The two year old is a real handful, I think probably on the extreme end of normal. He runs away from us as fast as he can go- often towards danger- eg the road (finds it hysterical) with me sprinting to catch up. If I turn my back for a few seconds at home he is unrolling the loo roll/ spraying water everywhere/ taking all the books off the bookshelves/ destroying his older brother's beloved lego creation etc etc . He is usually sweet with other kids and can share nicely and take turns in the right mood but in the wrong mood will push and shove other kids or sometimes hit. He goes into this wild mood several times each day.

My five year old is not as physical and can be very sweet but he has HUGE tantrums about things pretty regularly- eg refuses to put his shoes on in the morning and has a massive angry tantrum, snarling at everyone etc/ usually two or three big strops every morning before school about something like getting dressed/ putting his breakfast stuff in the dishwasher etc. He will be so rude and tell us to 'go away' etc. It often happens when the little one starts running wild. Then he starts running wild too (egged on by his little brother) and they both start running around the house yelling madly and throwing cushions on the floor etc (not breaking anything major- just causing chaos.) Neither of them will calm down when I tell them to, or apparently listen to me at all and I feel as though I've totally lost control.

My mum obviously thinks that they are the worst behaved children ever. I am so embarrassed when she visits about their behaviour. I don't know what to do. I praise good behaviour/ set limits/ enforce consequences (usually time outs) / give them lots of attention/ limit treats/ sugar etc. They sleep and eat well get exercise and have a good routine. Is this normal kid behaviour or am I doing a terrible job? Please be kind- I really am trying my best and sometimes when I read things where people talk about 'terrible parents- should get their kids under control' etc etc, I just feel devastated and so ashamed and don't know what to do.

Any thoughts/ advice?

Do you give warnings before transitions so they know it's coming? I always give 5 and 1 min warnings. He still gets annoyed sometimes but it certainly softens the blow.

puglife yes we always do give warnings. Maybe too many actually so it doesn't seem 'real' enough??? (or maybe I"m clutching at straws here!)

I think concentrate on the small things so they know you mean it. I know I've said to mine before 'if you do that again I'll take it off you' whilst thinking pleeeeaaaase don't do it I really don't want to have to take it off you! But they did, so I did, and dealt with the fall out, but on the plus side, next time I said it they stopped because they knew I meant it. And that then stands for other things too. Someone once said to me pick your battles, it was good advice.

hownottofuckup I think that;s really good advice. I don't think my problem is making threats and not following through. I think it's more not making enough threats in the first place. I also agree with PP about tone of voice- need to work on that!

Thanks so much for all the advice btw- it relaly is helpful

Honestly? That behaviour sounds quite bad to me. How does ir compare to your friends? I'd talk to your GP about an assessment and see where ir gies. I have a friend whose son is 3 and he is in the process of being assessed for a possible autism spectrum disorder and his behaviour sounds a little similar, although these things should be discussed and assessed by professionals not a bunch of strangers in the world wide web! Good luck.

deliver I think you're right with too many warnings. It should be one warning then consequence. (easier said than done but after a few days of irritating carrying out of consequences, he will learn and so you just have to give the warning and not have to do the actual consequence as much).

The other thing I did was have a 'serious' conversation with my DC where I said things were going to change, that DH & I were going to give one warning and then if not acted on there would be a consequence. I didn't just start up from nowhere with warnings and being tough, so he was given notice of the warnings (along with the chat about behaviour and doing as he was told).

If he loves Lego so much then maybe consider confiscating all (literally ALL) of the Lego and putting it totally out of reach and sight for a couple of days. Just to re-establish that you're the boss and you are in control of his world, he has to learn to work with you if he wants some things to go his way. This would seem ott to people with children who are obedient or even mostly obedient, but when dealing with very strong-willed children you have to be even stronger.

Also for bad behaviour he would be given a warning then excluded from the activity or group. e.g. when grandparents around, if he was acting up I wouldn't go over and over the bad behaviour, handing out warnings and disciplining in front of them (and interrupting the group dynamics, and only hearing myself discipline/lecture/warn etc. It would be "stop doing that or you are going to your room. You will be allowed down again once you have decided to play nicely". Again, yes you feel you should be getting down to their level explaining why they shouldn't be throwing cushions etc each and every time but they know perfectly well at 5 it's wrong to do it on repeat. They are trying to control the situation or direct the attention to themselves. When you exclude them for that and the only way back is behaving better, they tend to behave. Also gives you and them chance to calm down.

Basically take back control very visibly and firmly for a week, as in be prepared mentally for a backlash, more disciplining, carrying out of consequences, firm boundaries etc. After that they get the drift a bit better. Stating "You are NOT ALLOWED to do X!" can also get the message better to them than "It's annoying when you throw cushions because it's distracting and it might trip someone up and it might..." etc". Go back to the (better bits!) of old-fashioned parenting. Do it because I SAID SO.

alanna I've looked at all the diagnostic criteria for autism and neither of them fit them- both social/ empathetic/ socially observant about others feelings etc so I don't think it's that

daisygarden great and helpful advice thanks!

I agree with Daisygarden's comment on playing up when grandparents are over, why it's done, and how to deal with it. He does know it's not ok to throw cushions and so forth, and there really is no need to say more than what Daisy suggests.

If DS is going into Kdg this year, he will find his environment is quite structured and he will get used to dealing better with transitions (from carpet time to table time to snack time, etc.) A lot of effort in Kdg goes into getting students used to routines, hanging jackets and bags in a cubby, putting materials away when it's time, getting snack eaten and cleared away in the allotted time, etc. It might be helpful for him to have similar routines at home, though kids need time to space out too because the effort they put forth in the classroom is often exhausting.

I think you are right that you may be giving too many warnings. A single warning about five minutes before the switch is enough. You can give DS a heads up that this will be the case from now on. Make sure he looks up when you give him the signal - call his name and make sure he hears you. Try to make sure he doesn't tune you out. Cut down on verbiage when intervening. (Otoh, make sure you chat together plenty during the good times.)

mathanxiety thanks- he has been in Transitional Kindergarten (pre-K) this year and it was a bit of a nightmare- several children with severe additional needs causing havoc/ massive demands on teacher's time/ chaos reigning in the classromm etc. I know DS found it very stressful. I'm looking forward to a more structured environment.

OP I just want to emphasise that I truly believe nothing is wrong with your children - as you say most of the time they are sweet and gentle. You really don't need to rush to your GP in my (admittedly unprofessional) opinion. Some people are lucky enough to have naturally compliant children.

I think it's simply a case of the power balance being out of kilter (ie they have too much power), and your boys getting stuck in a bit of a "testing" habit. Almost every single 3/4 year old I know can be exactly as you describe. (I don't know many 5 year olds but i know 7 year olds who can throw tantrums like your eldest!) You've got loads of new techniques to pick from and put into action before you should even think about assessment for what I don't know

Finally, remember that while kids need boundaries and direction, obedience is not the be all and end all. It's not even the goal, is it? You said yourself your child is kind, gentle, sociable, empathetic, great at school. You should be really proud of yourself. Being a parent is fucking hard.

Amen to that, Puglife.

I don't agree that some people have naturally compliant children or that obedience should be the aim. The ultimate aim is children who are team players and who are internally motivated.

I have five DCs and when they were small there were many days when words I never thought I would use came out of my mouth at a decibel level I never thought possible just to prevent my home becoming a bear pit. That is before any thought of DCs actually helping with chores or all of us managing to get out on an outing. People often remarked about how well behaved they were. They used to smile sweetly. I used to blush.

thanks puglife and mathanxiety that all makes me feel so much better. It's strange- if someone isn't naturally skilled at most things (academics/ sports etc etc) but is obviously trying their best people are generally sympathetic, but there's something about parenting- that if you get it wrong people can't stop judging/ hating you for it. I'm sure there are a lot of lazy parents who couldn't care less if their kids run riot etc etc, but for all of them I think there are a lot of us who are genuinely trying our best to raise good kids, but authority just doesn't come as naturally as it does to some other people. It's a skill, like any other.

I genuinely appreciate all your advice and kind words.

Hee hee yes I would take DS to school in his pants. I must have lived in a weird place as I remember seeing friend once walking with completely naked DS (must have been 3 then mind) apart from shoes! My DS would be too embarrassed to turn up to school in pants so the clothes ALWAYS go on (given the choice he'd spend the day naked/in pants at home). So although I'd follow through on the threat if I had to, I never had to, and now DS is bigger it's not even an issue. I forgot to add that I too think there is unlikely to be anything wrong with your kids, most seem to reserve their worst behaviour for the family home. With the transitions mine used to find that hard too- we have timings and warnings- 10 minutes til we have to put x away/leave, 5 minutes, 3 minutes finish off what you're doing then counting down from 10 secs. Even though mine are bigger I still have to do that to an extent, it means they get fair warning and they know what's going on. Little kids have no idea of time. They get so wrapped up in what they're doing at that age it's difficult to leave whatever it is.

Don't worry about your mum. As others have said too- mine would play up for my mum but oddly not h's mum, who they saw less often/wasn't as much fun.

I remember overhearing my dad saying my kids needed a good slap, and my friends told me that when we all went away and I had kids/they didn't they were horrified! Friends have their own now and understand what it was like, kids are bigger (youngest in yr 1) and although there are still strops every now and then things are so much easier than when they were yours age. OP, you've got the right ideas, there are lots of good suggestions on here I'm sure with some small changes you'll notice an improvement soon.