1-2 times a day for them to go hog wild is not ok, even if your DH thinks it is.
Don't get involved in any sort of daily tangible reward for good behaviour in the form of sweets or dessert or whatever. The reasons to avoid this are:
- They will argue and wheedle and split hairs and claim good intentions or blame the other one;
- DS2 needs immediate consequences and restitution of damage if necessary, such as picking up items thrown around or knocked over, with your help;
- DS1 needs intervention for tantrums in the form of talking him through transitions or providing emotional scaffolding (visual aids) to give him a sense of control and a sense that things are predictable.
- You want to establish a situation where your smile and nod of approval are what they work for, not something external.
Sweets just address symptoms and not the causes of problem behaviour.
If you use a longer term reward system (maybe for DS1) use a much smaller jar for the marbles. Then it won't take as long to fill it.
Think a small jam jar (Smuckers smallest size). A long term reward system might recognise efforts to compromise, kindness to DS2, co-operation. Demerits would be for inappropriate expression of emotions (hurtful speech towards you instead of trying to say 'I feel...'). For a week that seems to have gone well overall, give a bonus for 'a good week'.
I like the idea of a visual representation of what 'good' and 'bad' behaviour looks like.
I agree with Whatsername's approach for your DS. Use a kitchen timer. He can battle the timer - you say 'It's time to get ready. You have 15 mins'. Set the timer and walk away. If he still kicks up and throws a tantrum about shoes or pants or putting dishes in the dishwasher, try shrugging and letting him live with the consequence of not dressing or putting on shoes - goes to school without pants or shoes, goes to the supermarket, to the park, wherever. It's especially important, as Whatsername says, to walk away and let him come to you. When he has to come to you to give an account of himself, that shows him that you are in charge. So resist the temptation to remind or check. You can give a two minute warning and that is all. Don't comment on progress. If he hasn't appeared when the time is up then you need to go and get him and say 'What a pity you're not ready. We have to go right now all the same.'
Dishes can stay on the table at his place if he won't put them away. He gets his lunch served away from everyone else (because his place isn't cleared) and same goes for dinner, until he brings his things to the dishwasher. Or you can say, 'Would you prefer to put them in the dishwasher before or after you get your shoes on?' That way, it's definitely going to happen. He only gets to decide when.
It seems to me there is an element of sibling rivalry at play here. That needs to be defused. In general, try to reinforce the idea of each one having his own separate things. Make sure DS1 has his own toys in a place just for them. Same goes for DS2. Don't make them share things with anyone if they don't want to, either at home or in the park or at the beach/pool. Watch DS2 like a hawk. DS1's Lego needs to be out of reach and out of sight.
Try to spend time with each one. You need to distinguish them from each other. Don't call them 'the boys', if you're guilty of that.
Equally, try to create events that are a lot of fun where they are together, with you or DH in charge. Maybe a cupcake or cookie decorating session, or pumpkin carving, or leaf raking, or making a popcorn tree garland - something simple where they can sit on either side of you. Incorporate high fives and group hugs and the concept of the family as a team into your lives. The team can fold laundry together, or pick up toys - the team needs a purpose so you need to find team activities. Boys like being in a little tribe or team and feel great loyalty to it. Remind them 'we are a team here' when things are falling apart at the seams.
Maybe get DS1 involved in something like T-ball (maybe wrong season) or some other sport, preferably one where you have to wait your turn and where play is very controlled (unlike soccer for instance). T-ball and baseball are great because you get a few turns to bat before you're out, you can be out while running the bases through no fault of your own, and it is a very co-operative game. It teaches a huge range of social-emotional skills on top of all the catching and throwing and hand-eye co-ordination. Martial arts can be great too for the same reasons, especially for a child who can be energetic and who gets frustrated easily. It is highly structured, there's an element of ceremony, there are clearly demarcated levels, and DS would have to fit in at his level. Something just for DS1 himself, where you and DH and DS2 can go and cheer for him would be great.
Your older DS comes across as a child who doesn't yet manage transitions well. This is normal for someone his age, though he could be doing better. Transitioning from one school activity to the next is exhausting for children in kindergarten and first grade. They are usually better at it by second grade. Getting dressed is a big change from being in pajamas, and watching a show DS2 wants to watch is a big change from sitting back and focusing completely on whatever he was watching or sitting back in his own little world waiting for whatever comes on next. Children of 5/6 can be really absorbed in a tv show and any interruption can be almost intolerable. So can any demand from a sibling that makes watching a favorite show unlikely.
positive-discipline.ca/locus-of-control-power-with-children/ Take a look at this and explore all the links. Make sure your older child isn't overloaded with directions, tasks that must only be done one way.
You could create a visual aid for him showing the clock face in fifteen minute increments for the morning from the time he wakes until you all have to leave for school or daycare or wherever you go. Use a whiteboard and ask him to fill in what he wants to do for those times - get up is always first, then brush teeth/get dressed/eat breakfast is his choice, followed by his choice for the next events in the sequence. He chooses, and you can create a visual. Then leave the visual in his room.
Find out what TV programmes each one really likes to watch and record them if they conflict, or figure out if the broadcast schedule will allow each one to see what interests him. Write a chart of TV times, showing when each one's favourite comes on. Point to the clock and the chart if there is an argument. Children of 5/6 will accept the almost magical authority of those things but they will get locked in a power struggle with you.
Just from the POV of initially reining it all in and establishing that you are in charge though:
You and DH have to make them pay attention.
Use1-2-3 Magic. An almost 3 yo old is easily old enough to get it. BUT - you absolutely must be consistent and your DH must be completely on board too.
If you have that American speech tic where you have a rising inflection at the end of a sentence, so you sound as if you are asking a question or looking for validation from people you're speaking to, stop it immediately. If you end directions or announcements to your DSs with the word 'OK?' as if you are asking their approval, stop that too. Tape yourself speaking normally and try to judge how convincing you sound.
If you're all out together, then one of you is the designated minder of one specific child. DS2 shouldn't fall through the cracks therefore.
Your tone of voice is crucial. Also crucial is consistency. If you say no, then don't change your mind. If you make a threat, carry it out.
If on reflection you think you have been over-stern or over-strict then apologise to them the following day or before bedtime that day (not immediately or soon after the event). You can talk about feelings when you apologise. Tell them you felt very, very angry or frustrated and it got a hold of you. Do not ask them for a hug when you apologise. Be sincere but not mushy. You can give a hug when they apologise, but you do not need a hug from them when you do. If they offer one accept it and thank them.
I agree that there are no 'bad' feelings.
Don't make a meal out of discussing feelings though. We all have them. We all learn to deal with them.
What your children need to understand is that, given that everyone has feelings, there are acceptable and unacceptable ways of expressing them. For unacceptable ways of expressing emotions, frustration, etc., you need to have consequences. Acceptable ways of expressing emotions are words, crying, going to their 'miserable spot' to frown their angries out if things get really bad. You need to encourage them to use their words, and you need to tell them their feelings are ok but reinforce that they have to choose better ways of expressing them.
You can also encourage them to problem solve, offer a fair deal or compromise to someone they are in conflict with, and seek win win situations (older one much moreso than younger one obviously but he is still a bit young for this) so that they start to look at life from someone else's pov. This is a long term project.
Remind yourself that this is for their own good and that you are teaching them something they need to know. Be ruthless and get your act together. DH has to get his act together too. Do you want order or do you want to face this for years? This is not something that comes naturally to people any more than effective management of employees in a business does, or managing children in a classroom. It takes planning and dedication and a good deal of cunning.