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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu or is dh's friend re having a daughter?

39 replies

hanselandmarge · 29/07/2016 00:06

Dh and I met up with some friends over the weekend. We were chatting about their youngest child, their 1 yo dd.

My friend's dh was jokingly saying he won't allow her to have a boyfriend or leave the house until she is 40 etc etc.

I asked whether he felt similar about their ds, and he said no - he cares for them both the same, but he feels more protective of their dd.

He went on to say that we (dh and I) wouldn't understand as we have 3 ds's. And it wasn't until they had their dd that he felt this different level of love and how precious she is.

What is this all about? I have heard this a few times now, from various people regarding their daughters.

Aibu to think this is odd? I worry about all sorts of scenarios for my dc and don't see how the sex of a child influences this.....

I realise I might be overthinking this!

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 29/07/2016 00:11

I've never heard 'different level of love' from anyone.

But I've heard the sheep like "She's not allowed to have boyfriends until she's 40", from many men.

And just as many women laughing and saying, "Oh DH won't let her have a boyfriend until she's 40", with a big smile/laugh...like it's really cute or something.

Truth be told, to many people it's just the 'done' thing to say it, and it means absolutely nothing.

Daisygarden · 29/07/2016 00:11

Well, he might well feel like that but it sounds a bit precious and twee to me, plus insensitive to say about a different kind of love and how precious she is to you having three DSs and no DDs, basically "you think you love your DSs but you don't know jack until you have a DD". He can bore off. We all love our kids.

MiddleClassProblem · 29/07/2016 00:13

Nope, never heard that and don't know anyone that feels it as far as I know. Plenty of parents have slightly different relationships with each of their children because they have different personalities...

spankhurst · 29/07/2016 00:13

IME it's usually men being protective of their daughters, quite possibly because they remember what horny little buggers they once were and have realised their daughters will have to deal with similar horny little buggers.
I find it a bit creepy though. And it's not on for him to imply that they love their daughters more. What crap.

DietCockBreak · 29/07/2016 00:15

Yuck, he sounds completely full of shit. I have a ds and a dd and can confirm that the man's a complete arse. Different level of love FFS, what a dick!

Original poster
hanselandmarge · 29/07/2016 00:16

I found his comments irritating and patronising.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 29/07/2016 00:18

Yeah but teenage girls are horny little buggers too or at least I was Grin

I think this falls under the category of "The thing to say" for many people because they feel it 'proves they love their kids'.

In the same way that no parent can possibly truly love their kids, until they've posted a Facebook meme saying so...and of course encouraging others to share if they love theirs too.

MiddleClassProblem · 29/07/2016 00:21

I feel sorry for both his kids. His son is second best and his daughter is wrapped in cotton wool

NayaDeles · 29/07/2016 00:21

As the mother of a daughter and a son, he's talking bollox. "You wouldn't understand what it's like to love a daughter, you only have sons" just sounds so smug and wankerish. Even if I guess it's technically true it's very badly put. Makes it sound like he thinks he's better because he has a girl aswell as boys.

My guess is that he feels more 'complete' because he has children of both genders but that's his hangup and he shouldn't be projecting it onto others.

OfficiallyUnofficial · 29/07/2016 00:22

I have only DDs so can't compare but can't imagine you'd love one more than the other!

I get the protective thing though, I worry for my DDs that the world is stacked against them and they are more likely to be at risk as teenagers and young adults.

Something makes me think that's not what he means though...

Daisygarden · 29/07/2016 00:23

I bet you did, hansel. Don't humour his nonsense in the future. Is he generally an insensitive guy or not? If not, sometimes I find people show off about something the other person doesn't have/rub someone's nose in something because they are jealous about a totally different aspect of the other person's life. Maybe you and DH have a happier marriage, better house or whatever he judges as covetable. Best way to deal with it is to not engage on the topic - don't give him oxygen to go on about it, if he tries to again in future.

MiddleClassProblem · 29/07/2016 00:25

Also, how many times have you heard it the other way around, that a son is the most valued with the family name or being able to take after them etc.

You know it's not true and we are fortunate that we live in a society where neither of these views are respected or normal.

JustAnotherPoster00 · 29/07/2016 00:25

The poutrage is real, ur BU

Longlost10 · 29/07/2016 00:28

I think some men are potentially particularly protective towards their daughters, because they know what goes on in their own minds with regards to other peoples daughters.....

Original poster
hanselandmarge · 29/07/2016 00:28

Oh yes, I've had some sympathetic comments about having 3 boys over the years. And "don't worry, you can try again".

OP posts:
Lilacpink40 · 29/07/2016 00:39

Grrr really annoying. You have and love your DSs and he can shove his arrogant head up his own arse!

theluckiest · 29/07/2016 00:39

I have two DSs - when Ds2 was born, my FIL said that DH wouldn't be a 'real man' until he'd had a daughter. I laughed and told him what a crock of shit that was. He wasn't being twattish (well, maybe a bit) - it just seemed to be in his bank of 'crap things you say in this scenario' comments.

I also hate the 'Aw, are you going to try for a girl next time?' Er, no. Don't think 'trying' hard enough works really.

theluckiest · 29/07/2016 00:42

Oh and my DSs are just marvellous, thanks. And very different. Despite both being...shock horror...male!! Y'know, because their gender is one aspect of who they are...

People do spout the most incredible shit about babies and gender don't they? Smile

Primaryteach87 · 29/07/2016 00:43

I've heard similar comments. I usually bore people about the statistics of teen boys being more likely to be attached than girls (in our area) and my anecdote that my brother got attacked twice as a teen and I never have...I then get feminist and start on about teen girls having rights and desires and needing support to make good decisions just like teen boys...by this point they regret the throw away comment Grin

I think it's a throw away comment but based on a worrying perception of both boys (tough, predators) and girls (weak, prey). Weirdly or perhaps consistently they are often the same men who 'egg on' their sons about sexual conquests.

e1y1 · 29/07/2016 00:44

never heard of the thing different levels of love.

but there is a saying a man doesn't become a "daddy" until having a daughter.

NinjaLeprechaun · 29/07/2016 00:50

"And it wasn't until they had their dd that he felt this different level of love and how precious she is."
Well this would suggest that he doesn't love his children equally, doesn't it?
I would personally ask him if his son knows that his father thinks his sister is more 'precious' than he is, and how the father will explain it when his son figures it out.

2nds · 29/07/2016 00:51

If it's any consolation when we found out DD1 was a girl OH's dad's exact words were "ah well maybe next time eh?"

Then we told him DD2 was a girl he never spoke.

So believe me when I say that people can often be that way about girls too.

Original poster
hanselandmarge · 29/07/2016 00:54

I'm equally annoyed by the flip side too.

When I was in hospital after the birth of my last ds, I was kept in for 2 weeks. A doctor who asked about my dc told me I'd make a good Arab wife, when he learned I had 3 ds's. He meant it as a compliment.

OP posts:
Lilacpink40 · 29/07/2016 01:06

I have one of each, but still feel very angry at any suggestion of a DC being 'wrong' due to gender. I've had the "you're lucky one of each" comment many times and always say that it wasn't important to me.

Unconditional love for a child is there above anything, gender, ability, appearance etc.

AdjustableWench · 29/07/2016 01:31

I can't quite imagine forbidding my daughter from having a boyfriend.
Mind you, she wouldn't much care. She's a lesbian.

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