To wonder if DH's reaction was normal?

[MrsMcBoatface]

Sigh. Another house issue here, I've posted before about DH being very controlling about what we have in the house furniture-wise, but we had a 'big talk' recently and I told him I needed to feel that I had a say in the decorating, that I had felt disenfranchised in our previous place, that I wanted to be able to choose some things for the house (we just bought...a place we both liked very much with lots of character).

Yesterday I bought some things at an antique shop without asking or telling him what I was intending to do. Not big things (OK here's what they are: a bench, which I wanted to put baskets on, and an old ladder I wanted to put against a wall to hang scarves/jumpers on. Nice things, I feel very defensive about this. It was a good idea. Or so I thought. Lovely things, lovely wood, nice waxy finish and stylish, I thought.) I bought them into the house and was pleased with the effect.

I knew it was a risk, I'd felt guilty even as I paid for them (my own money which I earned) but when I told H I'd bought a bench he was furious and shouted at me. Before he'd seen it. He said I'd obviously been ripped off and bought some old junk, that he hated benches, that I should have told him I was buying something and showed him a picture, that he'd never buy anything without asking me . So, a totally bad reaction.

He's since seen the bench (it's a really nice bench) and realised it looked good but rather than being contrite he just said it wasn't French (the antique place said it was) but English. He's lying. There is absolutely no way he could know this. I really felt such hatred for him when he said that. Totally undermined. I haven't told him about the ladder.

I have (predictably) gone ballistic about this. His reaction was over the top. But am now wondering if perhaps he had a point and I should have at least told him I was buying it? What do other people do? Is it normal to have to ask permission?

My ex husband was like this, and became more and more controlling and unpleasant. Listening to the Archers has been suggested to me and Helen's story has become one I can relate to. These men apparently get worse with age, or so my therapist and one of my kids counsellors tell me. I am free now and over the last 4 years and regaining confidence and pleasure in my choices and joy at the freedom I now have. Monitor things and challenge on issues you are not happy about!

The thing that I like most about living on my own (only adult anyway) is that I am master of my own home. It's wonderful.
I would say, from you have written, that this

Truth is, I should be living alone. I'd prefer it smile it may be that I'm just not suited to being a couple so I'm making a big deal about being miffed about his interference

Applies to him, not you. Don't take the responsibility for his short comings.

The answer to 'you have no taste' is 'and you are the living proof of that.'

This was been me 6 years ago with ex partner (except mine was an Art Deco cabinet from a car boot sale. We both loved Art Deco, and it was a bargain, but he still hit the roof).
He was very territorial and we even had our own food cupboards & shelves in the fridge - yep it does sound crazy in hindsight, but I was with him for 8 years so it became my "normal"!
Needless to say he is now my ex because I became sick of the rules. I think the lowest point was when he wouldn't speak to me because I used an old box he had been "saving" to post out on eBay item in that I had sold.
Sorry that isn't very helpful!
Current relationship couldn't be more different and other half would be excited to see what I had bought and try to find somewhere to put it! I appreciate that is also unusual so there must be a middle ground somewhere!

Your husband is a control freak and his manner towards you is abusive. when people shout at each other, it means they have no respect for each other and when respect is lost, the relationship is damaged. i think you might have made a bad marriage here and I would seriously consider carefully before you have any children with this jerk.

When I. Commented on your age, I didn't mean 'how immature', rather I was concerned about the likelihood of his behaviour changing, which seems less likely as he's older.

Sounds like you are standing up for yourself and determined to see this house as yours too - though I don't get any sense of 'ours' from your posts - so keep it up and good luck to you.

It comes across that you are far more confident in your taste than he is. (But, were you to live separately, I'm imagining him in fairly minimal flat with grey walls, steel and a few 'key pieces', whereas you in an artfully bohemian cottage... Good luck!)

He is totally in the wrong here. He is controlling you and I'm sad for you having not even felt able to show him the ladder yet.

He must change or you are in for lots more of this Imo.

I was with a controlling man for 6 years. It's draining and dehumanising because it's such as unnatural way to live. The house sounds lovely, as do you. Your H sounds controlling and as though he's spoiling everything.

He sounds emotionally abusive. He needs to learn that you live there as well and not be so critical of you or your decisions. Why did he marry you if he doesn't like your ideas? I probably would have rung my DH up and said I've seen this great bench but it's not necessary as he trusts my judgment. I'm probably more likely to get cross for not being consulted but that's about not feeling included in a purchase. It may be his way of saying he cares that you don't get ripped off but he seems very aggressive about it. I generally choose furnishings so would be hurt if my DH bought something without consulting me. You need to ask yourself why he reacted like that and ask him too. If his intentions are sound, then don't worry. Otherwise tell him he needs to let you make your own decisions.

The answer to 'you have no taste' is, 'and you're the living proof of that.'

My niece was married to a man like this, when she started seeing a counsellor they described her dh as having nacissistic personality disorder. When they had a child together he spent a year planning his escape, without telling her, moving the money etc. He couldn't bear to not be her total focus of attention. Good luck.

I bought a hamster without asking my partner and sorted us getting a cat, which are both much bigger than a bench and he was fine with both.
I do ask his opinion just not all the time and he doesn't demand it like that, same as he gets things without telling me sometimes. You can't be ringing them at work all the time to ask permission to get something. It was with your money and it is your house too.

Haven't read the entire thread but it wouldn't even occur to me to ask DP about bringing something into our shared house as it wouldn't him. We do have a lot of shit stuff in our house though so maybe we should start

The wonderful thing about having a home you share is that it becomes a reflection of you both. That means it doesn't really matter if you have 'good or bad' taste, it should be an environment you feel comfortable and proud of.

My mother had a similar problem with her husband. Turned out he was higher on the spectrum than most and couldn't fit her stuff into his life. They tried dividing the house and giving each other their own individual rooms, which may be an option.

I do most of the furniture buying in the house. We do tend to run things by each other but it's not a major problem if we don't. I may be at most a little peeved if he didn't think about the colour, style and space of our home, or if it cost lots (as we have a shared account) but it wouldn't causes fights.

I don't know the answer, but I know your home should be a balance of you both.

Dear god, how do you live like that?

He sounds like he sucks the joy from your life, right down to the excitement of making a house a home and enjoying your creative flair!

I bet the bench and ladder looked bloody lovely too.

I lived with my now ex (D)H for far too long, thinking it was best for my children! NOOOOO! we have all had to have therapy and counselling and 2 of my children are on meds! I have been told these men get worse with age by 3 different psychologists. He definitely was getting worse! I have never been an archers fan, but the story of Helen came up with friends and I am now an avid listener! 4 years down the road and I am starting to really feel myself again and take joy in my choices and freedom to make them. If you feel you are walking on eggshells in my view it's not a healthy relationship I am sorry to say!

agree with shewhomustbeEbayed, was also told my ex had narcissistic personality disorder! and my dd's therapist also came to that conclusion very quickly!

He sounds very stroppy and a bit childish tbh and I agree with pp about him at least having the good taste to marry you. Well done for standing your ground. Hopefully there won't be any repetition. My DH who I love to bits had this same territorial thing going on until I pointed out that all the photos he puts on Fb of our home have one thing in common - they 'showcase' my choice of decor/furniture etc not his, but he takes credit and loves the 'likes'. I threatened him with a slow and painful death if he carried on posting ( I'm quite a private person in real life). He got the point and now sorting house stuff is left to me. Happy wife, happy life. Good luck and happy equilibrium in your new home