To wonder if DH's reaction was normal?

[MrsMcBoatface]

Sigh. Another house issue here, I've posted before about DH being very controlling about what we have in the house furniture-wise, but we had a 'big talk' recently and I told him I needed to feel that I had a say in the decorating, that I had felt disenfranchised in our previous place, that I wanted to be able to choose some things for the house (we just bought...a place we both liked very much with lots of character).

Yesterday I bought some things at an antique shop without asking or telling him what I was intending to do. Not big things (OK here's what they are: a bench, which I wanted to put baskets on, and an old ladder I wanted to put against a wall to hang scarves/jumpers on. Nice things, I feel very defensive about this. It was a good idea. Or so I thought. Lovely things, lovely wood, nice waxy finish and stylish, I thought.) I bought them into the house and was pleased with the effect.

I knew it was a risk, I'd felt guilty even as I paid for them (my own money which I earned) but when I told H I'd bought a bench he was furious and shouted at me. Before he'd seen it. He said I'd obviously been ripped off and bought some old junk, that he hated benches, that I should have told him I was buying something and showed him a picture, that he'd never buy anything without asking me . So, a totally bad reaction.

He's since seen the bench (it's a really nice bench) and realised it looked good but rather than being contrite he just said it wasn't French (the antique place said it was) but English. He's lying. There is absolutely no way he could know this. I really felt such hatred for him when he said that. Totally undermined. I haven't told him about the ladder.

I have (predictably) gone ballistic about this. His reaction was over the top. But am now wondering if perhaps he had a point and I should have at least told him I was buying it? What do other people do? Is it normal to have to ask permission?

I know it's a really old-fashioned view, but I think men shouldn't be excessively concerned with some things, and home decor and wedding planning come into that category. Unless they are some sort of designer for whom image is (almost) everything. And then they wouldn't be with me.

If one of you hates something it shouldn't have pride of place in a main room, but, big purchases aside, each person should be able to pick up bits on a whim, if money or space isn't an issue. Then you negotiate where it's going to go, or perhaps convince or get convinced that it should be returned.

Oh I thought it was the no furniture but with ham stand guy? Is there another controlling hipster nester about??

His reaction is not normal at all. He is controlling and undermining and I would feel stifled if I was expected to live like this. Do you really want to spend your life worrying about whether or not you should buy something because he might shout at you? You can't even discuss your preferences with him because you are worried about his negative reaction.

You said in your OP that you have had a talk with him regarding his controlling behaviour, but it has made no difference. Is he controlling in other areas of your life?

Threads like this make me so sad.

I used to live like this. Cowed. Controlled. Fearful. Walking on eggshells or steeling myself for confrontation when I did pluck up the courage to exert my independence.

I had no idea that it was possible to live any differently. I only knew relationships that were a battle of wills.

But now, I know different. I am so much happier, my DH and I don't compete, or judge each other. Our differences in taste and preferences are a reminder to each other that we are both confidence individuals who are choosing to share our lives with each other. We compromise, discuss and laugh - lots of laughter.

OP - relationships don't have to be like the one you are in. They can be very, very different and add so much to your life. Think carefully about whether you want to settle for what you have, even though you deserve so much more.

If that was my life I would be at the antique shop every week til dh got do mad he left me. Never ever would my dh shout at me about any purchases I made!! Its your bloody money!

To me they sound slightly pointless items. I'd say benches were for sitting on not displaying baskets - and ladders were for climbing. (I'd put scarves in a chest of drawers or wardrobe.) But I can see the attraction to old wood and some people like a more 'decorative' look.

To be honest, I am probably the more 'visual one' out of the two of us and will often say, 'No, those two things won't go together.' But yes, of course relationships are about compromise and finding a place/a corner for items that are important to the other person.

So things don't sound great and I hope you find a way forward.

He thinks it's acceptable to shout at you? It isn't. Whatever the reason. Sounds like an unpleasant and unhealthy way to live. Whatever happened to cherishing ffs?

A bench for baskets and ladders for scarves I'm sure they would look lovely but bleeding hell is glad I'm just a mere mortal.

Life's too short mate dump him.

Seriously why did you buy another place with him? He sounds like a dementor, sucking all the joy out of life.

His reaction isn't about the house or furniture, it's about him wanting to have power and control. Does this really just happen with the decor or is it with other parts of your lives?

" But I think that he thinks I'm lucky to have him to guide me though life, "

Good grief.

Why do you put up with it?

The ladder sounds ridiculous to me & the bench with baskets-to go where & for what purpose?

If they were both for the hall for hats, gloves etc, fine.

I wouldn't want them anywhere else though.

No need for him to be nasty about it though!

I agree it's not about the bench-I'd tell my DH but safe in the knowledge that he'd been incredibly unlikely to disagree (he's laid back). There's obviously a back story here I don't know and all I'll say is that life is short-if you're unhappy and he doesn't let you live a life that pleases you then please do something about it. You sound really nice in your posts and nobody deserves to be unhappy.

Omg I am your husband in this situation when it comes to the house and furniture/decorating

For example- I hate shelves - I hate having all our possessions on show all the time and like to have things in drawers and cupboards. I especially hate shelves in the kitchen - they collect dust and I don't want to be confronted by my plates and cups every time I walk in! - HOWEVER my DP is the polar opposite and to be honest o would be pissed off if I went home and he had put them up without discussing it with me!

His reaction was completely over the top though - at the end of the day (as I am also forcing myself to learn ha!) it is both of your house and he needs to learn to compromise too! It shouldn't just be you!

I don't think you were BU if I am honest.

I honestly couldn't live like this. His controlling behaviour will spill out into other areas as he obviously thinks that He. Knows. Best.

Do you have kids with him?

I'd deffo be telling him that people with style lead, fashion sheep follow.

My first reaction was to say that I would always ask H befor ebuying furniture (and expect him to ask befor he buys something).
Then I realised that actually that's not right. Small things such as bench have been choosen by ione of us wo the other 'approval'. It could be a clock on the wall, a rug, a small coffee table wo talking about the stuff we both have brought from our previous lifes (think a grand father clock, ornanments etc etc).

The issue really is that he doesn't want you to do anything wo his approval and he also wants to be the one who has the last word on the choice.
He also seems to think he knows better than you, always.
The fact that you are both working in design profession makes it worse too (does it mean he wouldn't trust your professional abilities either?).

It might be that by being assertive, he will learn that he can't control everything. I think he also needs to realise that by spending his time putting you down, he is slowly but surely destroying anything between you and you will get more an more ressentful. :(:(

I would be very unhappy if my dh bought big items for the house without discussing it with me first. In our house it would be normal to ask before buying.

But I think your main issue is the fact it's descended into you both screaming at each other. Am slightly alarmed when you say that "predictably you have gone ballistic". Without knowing any other details (and i assume there must be a huge back story) to me this makes you seem as bad as him..

What? Predictably going ballistic isn't about the OP - she's saying she was righteously angry at him reneging on their agreement about input into the house and once again showing what an uptight, trivial little dictator he is. I'd go ballistic too.

What an absolute bully he is OP. If I bought something for our home, my dh wouldn't give a shite to be quite honest. I would consult him if it was a large money purchase. Not for permission, but just to say 'seen a lovely item, it's quite expensive but will go lovely in the house'

I am sure it's not just this area he feels he knows best. Little bloody Hitler.

I couldn't live like this. You don't have to put up with his shit.

Sorry, he sounds like a right tit.
As your planning on being with him, don't bow down to him, if you want to buy stuff just tell him not ask. When he's in tit mode, don't react as he'll turn it around that your the mad. I just say yes love and do what I want.
Mine tried it but he knows now, I'm in charge at home.

Well obviously things will be stored in the baskets. They have to go somewhere, why not on a bench? Most people have decorative items that serve no purpose but to look pretty like cushions and artwork. Why not an old ladder?

Well, in danger of sounding controlling I wouldn't like it if dh bought those things either. Neither of us buy anything like that for the house unless we agree beforehand or get it together. We discuss our 'vision' for the style of the house and both get s veto. Otherwise our tastes would clash and it would look shit.

As its a shared space that both people have to live in I think it's fine both people should agree. My dh and I have completely different tastes in art. I studied art and design at uni and have worked in various galleries. I would really hate it and couldn't live with art and design in my space that I didn't like.

When we were first together I would come home to find an enormous painting on the wall, one I hated and we would row about it. I would also hate the lack of consultation or agreement, like it was his space and I just had to lump it.

I'm all for joint decisions about expensive/big purchases, but sometimes you just see something somewhere and can picture it in your house...like a bench.
My dh has quite specific taste in things too - he's not a designer and in fact he's a total scruffbag...but he knows what he likes and certainly what he doesn't. We both do. We are both picky.
I wouldn't put up with being treated like an assistant designer in my own house like this, having to gain approval from the boss.
Compromise is where it's at and he needs to remove his head from his own backside.

A house is something you see in a style magazine - a home is a place that appeals to and represents the people who live there. Not the person - the people.

"so my views don't count for much."
Is this marriage really viable, if that is his 'go to' stance ? Life is not meant to be like this.

But if one person actively hates the things the other person buys then why is their yes stronger or more valid than the others no? I would hate a bench and a ladder like that. I don't think there are many things design wise that are 'small' to me they all should fulfil certain criteria, regardless of size or location.

Dh and I even have had long conversations about the colours of our cups