To wonder if DH's reaction was normal?

[MrsMcBoatface]

Sigh. Another house issue here, I've posted before about DH being very controlling about what we have in the house furniture-wise, but we had a 'big talk' recently and I told him I needed to feel that I had a say in the decorating, that I had felt disenfranchised in our previous place, that I wanted to be able to choose some things for the house (we just bought...a place we both liked very much with lots of character).

Yesterday I bought some things at an antique shop without asking or telling him what I was intending to do. Not big things (OK here's what they are: a bench, which I wanted to put baskets on, and an old ladder I wanted to put against a wall to hang scarves/jumpers on. Nice things, I feel very defensive about this. It was a good idea. Or so I thought. Lovely things, lovely wood, nice waxy finish and stylish, I thought.) I bought them into the house and was pleased with the effect.

I knew it was a risk, I'd felt guilty even as I paid for them (my own money which I earned) but when I told H I'd bought a bench he was furious and shouted at me. Before he'd seen it. He said I'd obviously been ripped off and bought some old junk, that he hated benches, that I should have told him I was buying something and showed him a picture, that he'd never buy anything without asking me . So, a totally bad reaction.

He's since seen the bench (it's a really nice bench) and realised it looked good but rather than being contrite he just said it wasn't French (the antique place said it was) but English. He's lying. There is absolutely no way he could know this. I really felt such hatred for him when he said that. Totally undermined. I haven't told him about the ladder.

I have (predictably) gone ballistic about this. His reaction was over the top. But am now wondering if perhaps he had a point and I should have at least told him I was buying it? What do other people do? Is it normal to have to ask permission?

This isn't remotely about furniture, it's about treading on eggshells, being 'too scared' to call your own husband to tell him you are thinking about making a purchase (there is literally not one topic I would be too scared to call my husband about, not that's legal, anyway!) and him going ballistic over things that are neither here nor there.

Your life sounds like one of sacrifice (you didn't want to move, you aren't allowed to have the things you like around, you don't say anything as he kicks off) and not much joy. No wonder you have thought of leaving and living alone.

Speaking as someone who, in the past, has merrily skipped home with new sofas, a new car, and a huge aquarium (not all at the same time) without once asking permission from DH...I find the OP's life incomprehensible.

It also sounds pretty damned miserable, too, feeling like a lodger asking permission from your landlord to do things in your own home .

When it comes to furniture/ home improvements DH and I have always had conversation first before buying larger items. Sometimes he will say just choose it as I work pt and he works ft and sometimes we choose together. Occasionally I will tell him to get something without me but usually the boring stuff or electrical items. Furniture and soft furnishings I usually have veto over. Never had a problem but we have similar tastes and pretty good at compromising. Neither of us have ever accused the other of bad taste.

He was a bit miffed when I chose a new car for me without consulting him as he was away at the time but I was paying for it and driving it so just texted him a pic and details. He soon got over it though.

Sounds like your OH is a bit controlling so that would annoy me too. Only you ultimately know if you can live like that if this was a typical reaction from him.

I cannot imagine having to refer to my husband when buying something for our house. Big furniture maybe, we chose our bed, sofas etc together, but smaller things like yours? No.

There's always an option of selling it on if it doesn't fit or look right. He sounds horrible and a little bit scary tbh.

He's unreasonable to shout but as you share a house you need to agree on the furniture you both put in it.

....the risk of disapproval....

Oh My.

What is he like with other aspects of your living together? Eg who decides what foodstuffs and drink you have in the house?

Eh no, I wouldn't be calling up my partner to advise of a purchase I'm about to make If it doesn't impact the family budget. I will be buying what I want with money I earnt.

This is not about a bench or a ladder. It's about him having no respect for your decisions, and thinking he can control you by aggression (shouting)

That's not normal in a loving relationship.

I have been married for 20 years and never once have I been shouted at, let alone about something so trivial.

It sounds as if you are seeing clearly that the way he is is wrong, and starting to fight back a little (ie doing something perfectly normal like buying something for your home with your money). The fact you were nervous about this tells you everything you need to know

I

If he's not the guy I'm describing then he'd bee bloody apologetic about shouting at you, not trying to prove, again, that he's right.
I don't think anyone should have to put up with someone who cannot apologise

MrsKoala

Rupster

Would you shout at your spouse about this?

Would you tell them they had no taste?

But all those people saying 'in your own home'. It's someone elses home too. They have an equal say in what goes in there. Can you imagine if both of you continually skipped merrily home with random objects and furniture and just installed them? what kind of sanctuary, comforting home would that feel like? It would be a mish mash of stuff and clutter. I would have to leave, i would feel horribly claustrophobic with things like that in my home.

And as for would i shout at my spouse and tell him he had bad taste? well, things have got heated between both of us (but we are fairly robust with each other) and i seem to remember one such 'conversation' when i came home to find a plank of wood hanging on the wall with a black outline cartoon style drawing of 2 worms with teeth titled 'Katie and Peter separate'. Next to it dh was standing proudly and beaming.

There are only so many pictures of elephants on stilts hurdling bananas or giant sized chess pieces you can bear before you really lose your rag. Both dh and i think the other has no taste. Apart from when we agree, and then we both have great taste.

If i walked in to find a random ladder with some jaunty scarves draped on it in the hallway i may incredulously splutter some things.

Op - I can see the thread is moving on but as others say this is about compromise (all yours) and control (his over you).

Taste is subjective. In a healthy, mutually respectful relationship you don't critique the other person like this.

You've hated and had to live with things he's brought home. In your view, crap taste, but you compromised. Now the same has to happen in reverse.

Also frankly his running a design company is a moot point. This is a joint home two people live in. He's not in charge.

This isn't about furniture, it's about control and about his belief that he is superior to you.

My DH and I have very different tastes. It makes for interesting discussions about wallpaper/sofas/big things. Little things we go with - I detest the picture he has up in the dining room, but he loves it. He hates my comfortable chair, but I love it so he ignores it. I coulnd't handle the noise from his ticking clock so he agreed to get rid of it and he kept hitting his head on a light fitting I liked, but I agreed it could go. That's how it's supposed to work. Its your home and his home so where tastes differ there should be compromise - and the compromise shouldn't always be on one side.

I think you need to take a stand; no discussions needed really, will only add fuel to the fire. Let him know you can't be walked over so easily.
If you kow tow he''ll do it all the more.

it may be that I'm just not suited to being a couple so I'm making a big deal about being miffed about his interfering.

Bollocks. I'm willing to bet you'd be perfectly suited to and happy being in a couple where your partner treats you with respect rather than as a mixture of secretary and adoring audience.

Seriously, he sounds like an utter prick. What (if anything) else are you getting from the relationship? Are you sure you wouldn't be happier in your own place, furnished to your own (doubtless impeccable) taste, free of his huffing and poisonous attitude?

Is furniture for your (jointly owned) house the only thing he is controlling of?

If so, he's right.

Purchasing furniture which you both have to live with should be a joint decision.

I like the sound of what you've bought but would never presume that my DH would have to put up with something if he didn't like it. I would check with him first (and vice versa) or we shop for house stuff together.

Haven't rtft. But this isn't about furniture. Me and DH talk to each other in a generally cheerful manner about stuff like this because it's not a big deal. We might have a bit of a bicker about furniture taste but wr would never shout about it.

Your relationship sounds as though it is filled with tension and anger.

Sometimes I think my husband is an arsewipe of the highest order. Then I read MN and realise what a catch he is!
I have bought furniture that he doesn't love. He lives with it, or looks at ways to change it (a new cover, some paint, whatever). He has bought stuff that I hate and I've lived with it because it's just furniture and nobody died because of it. Neither of us feels the need to control everything to the point of insisting on approving every single item in our home. The only exception was the creepy cross stitch picture of a disembodied hand holding a baby which his SIL gave us. That was truly disturbing and I insisted it was re-hung in the attic.
I agree totally that this has nothing to do with furniture. This is all about control. It doesn't really matter how he justifies it, it's still control.

Sounds an utter dick if you ask me! It's your house as well not just his so you have just as much say! I'd never tell my wife how to decorate or what she can or can't have she would tell me where to go and rightly so

He's a CONTROL FREAK. You are supposed to be equal partners. You are not. This is NOT normal in any way. You do not need his permission to buy anything with your own money. He does not own you. FFS.

No way should you have to live like that. A marriage is a partnership and this is anything but that. Does he control other parts of your life to? Or has it increased? It sounds very worrying behavior to me. And you m concerned for you

So it's "his" house and he feels entitled to kill your confidence and choices.

Guilt at normal actions is a sign you are being abused.

This is not right, even if he says it is.

You probably consult each other about every other major purchase, but it sounds like you are happy with your new home and were happy buying things for it. He needs to lighten up and stop trying to break your spirit. The fact that he was arguing whether the bench was French versus English shows it's important to him to prove a point. He should be happy that you're doing things in your home and not outside of it.

Ditch that man. You deserve better.