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AIBU?

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Original poster

To wonder if DH's reaction was normal?

167 replies

MrsMcBoatface · 28/07/2016 05:46

Sigh. Another house issue here, I've posted before about DH being very controlling about what we have in the house furniture-wise, but we had a 'big talk' recently and I told him I needed to feel that I had a say in the decorating, that I had felt disenfranchised in our previous place, that I wanted to be able to choose some things for the house (we just bought...a place we both liked very much with lots of character).

Yesterday I bought some things at an antique shop without asking or telling him what I was intending to do. Not big things (OK here's what they are: a bench, which I wanted to put baskets on, and an old ladder I wanted to put against a wall to hang scarves/jumpers on. Nice things, I feel very defensive about this. It was a good idea. Or so I thought. Lovely things, lovely wood, nice waxy finish and stylish, I thought.) I bought them into the house and was pleased with the effect.

I knew it was a risk, I'd felt guilty even as I paid for them (my own money which I earned) but when I told H I'd bought a bench he was furious and shouted at me. Before he'd seen it. He said I'd obviously been ripped off and bought some old junk, that he hated benches, that I should have told him I was buying something and showed him a picture, that he'd never buy anything without asking me Hmm . So, a totally bad reaction.

He's since seen the bench (it's a really nice bench) and realised it looked good but rather than being contrite he just said it wasn't French (the antique place said it was) but English. He's lying. There is absolutely no way he could know this. I really felt such hatred for him when he said that. Totally undermined. I haven't told him about the ladder.

I have (predictably) gone ballistic about this. His reaction was over the top. But am now wondering if perhaps he had a point and I should have at least told him I was buying it? What do other people do? Is it normal to have to ask permission?

OP posts:
TheVeryThing · 28/07/2016 06:45

Is this the man with the ham stand?
If so, I thought he sounded ridiculously pretentious and terribly controlling before.
Either way, it's not normal to have such an extreme reaction to the purchase of a couple of small pieces of furniture.
I wouldn't buy a sofa or a bed without consulting my dh but we have similar taste and more importantly, mutual respect.

StopShoutingAtYourBrother · 28/07/2016 06:52

Op - my husband is quite particular about things. However if I had bought a bench and ladder home and he hated it, he'd have told me, he wouldn't have shouted, and then we'd have found a way of incorporating them into the house.

Your husband sounds very controlling, and this is troubling. It is not right that something you paid for (so cost him nothing) FOR YOUR OWN HOUSE you're hiding, too scared to show him. This is your home, your own space. What next for your ladder?

Re the bench his argument is ridiculous. You do have tsste. Obviously he likes it, but he just had to criticise it!! And you with it.

All the best in your new home OP

Original poster
MrsMcBoatface · 28/07/2016 07:09

Haha. No ham stand yet! We both work in design professions, I don't feel that I am competitive been a doormat in the past I do have good taste, but he always feels like he needs to win.

I'm thinking now that I will stick to it. It is my place (I tried to make this clear before we bought) but if he 'hates' my bench, and other things I've chosen, it won't be any fun to live there. Sad

Seems like there's no compromise, he decides he hates something and that's it (and he always reminds me that he runs a successful firm in a design related field so ergo must have good taste Confused) so my views don't count for much. He's brought home some shockingly ugly things in my opinion and I've lived with them.

We just bought sofas...he said I could choose whatever I wanted but I did involve him as I didn't want the risk if disapproval. He's OK with the sofas.

OP posts:
puglife15 · 28/07/2016 07:21

if he 'hates' my bench, and other things I've chosen, it won't be any fun to live there.
Really?

So he won't just let it go now?

He sounds like a fucking awful human being. Shouting at you for buying something with your own money, needing to "win", sulking to the point you won't want to live with him, him being so unreasonable you have to hide purchases from him, you being scared of his disapproval.

This is a deeply unhealthy dynamic.

Is he like this in other areas of life?

Gribbie · 28/07/2016 07:23

It sounds a joyless life. Be respectful of each other, run big purchases past each other, be kind to each other. Why are you 'competing' against each other (in his eyes)? DH and I are a team - he has my back and I've got his. Why would I be mean to him and belittle his choices.

MargeryFenworthy · 28/07/2016 07:26

Honestly? He sounds like a bully. What would you say to your best friend if she told you the same story?

WipsGlitter · 28/07/2016 07:26

What is a ham stand? One of those things to carve Spanish ham from??

Jengnr · 28/07/2016 07:26

He considers you lucky to have him to guide you through life?!?!?

Fuck.
That.

What a condescending prick.

Penfold007 · 28/07/2016 07:33

You've already worked out that your H is emotionally and sexually controlling and abusive, you've even spoken to a solicitor re divorce. The bench and ladder are red herrings, are you ready to leave him?

SwearySwearyQuiteContrary · 28/07/2016 07:33

I'm willing to bet that whatever you suggest or buy won't meet with his approval. How much choice did you really have on the sofas? Did you get to decide the style? Pick out any colour you liked just because it's your favourite?
Your DH sounds horribly controlling. FFS, it's a bench and he's got you so wound up in knots about making a decision without him you're asking strangers on the web if it's really OK to make a purchase based on your own preferences.

dailyfailplagiarism · 28/07/2016 07:34

He's a dickhead and if he keeps it up he will be a single dickhead.

trafalgargal · 28/07/2016 07:37

No house is nice enough to stay with a man who doesn't see you as an equal let alone a pompous, self opinionated bully.

If you really believe your new house is worth the trade off consider counselling

MaudlinNamechange · 28/07/2016 07:38

He sounds horrible.

"He's lying. There is absolutely no way he could know this."

Yes, he just needed to "win" so he pulled a random "fact" out of his arse to make out you were stupid. It has nothing to do with the bench and everything to do with trying to make you feel disqualified to make decisions. Even if were English, you can still buy it if you like it! but the fact that he is just making stuff up to belittle you is nasty. you can't argue with someone like this as they don't care about the content of the argument, they just care about putting you down. So they will pull random nonsense out of anywhere to make some non existent "point"

" I really felt such hatred for him when he said that. " Yes, because you saw all the above really clearly. I know that feeling: that feeling of loathing, of "you would actually do or say anything rather than be forced to show me some respect"

Where do the bench and the ladder live?

Can you allocate a room that you won't furnish / decorate?

This isn't a long term solution to his being horrible to you.

I don't know what to do about the feeling of hatred towards pointless arrogance and oppression. we split. (like you, he wouldn't see his behaviour as "pointless arrogance and oppression" he sees it as "me being right, because maudlin is a woman and always wrong")

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 28/07/2016 07:41

I think you have deeper problems than the bench and ladder, which both sound lovely by the way...!

It does sound so draining ... I really can imagine being shouted at for spending my own money on furniture I liked for my home... Incredible! In fact I can imagine it -sorry OP Flowers

I have an opposite - partner is utterly cluelessGrin.. And also not that interested in 'design', although he does like nice surroundings... Oh doesn't this elizabetjan style hanging 'go' in our vaguely Swedish ikea type flat!.! Style is very very subjective isn't it!

Helenluvsrob · 28/07/2016 07:45

You haven't been listening to The Archers have you..... My alter ego has been the subject of a long running story of coercive control leading to her stabbing the aforementioned Rob.

This little exchange would fit perfectly into the early days of that story, and and would be accompanied by a little patronising chuckle, and the very clear impression that Helen was a total idiot. And maybe a " while your taking those back to the shop why don't you take that god awful supposed antique rug your mother gave us" comment.

The " I'm lucky to have him to guide me through life" would fit well as a comment to a friend, shortly before she was , oh so subtly prevented from seeing any friends any more...

Never a raised voice but utter abuse and control all the same.

think on these things op...

EmzDisco · 28/07/2016 07:46

It doesn't really matter whether you have good or bad taste, whatever that even means really. It's your home, you have right to make it look a way that makes you happy!

I would probably tell my DP beforehand, and if he genuinely hated the items, which would be highly unusual, we would probably try and come to a compromise or look for something else. And vice versa. But then we like to make each other happy, so would be prepared to let iffy interior design decisions go for the sake of domestic harmony!

I think your problems are about more that this really. But at an attempt at a solution for this particular issue could you each "own" certain rooms that you get free reign in?

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 28/07/2016 07:47

I feel lucky to have been with men who really don't care that much 😁 They've come to look at dining tables, bedroom furniture, new sofas etc but have been more interested in comfort than colour etc. They'd say if they didn't like it or really did like something, but not hugely fussy - my type of man! I'd hate to live with someone who turns up with furniture and decides their taste is 'better' than mine etc. None of them would have batted an eyelid over a bench or 'ladder', I'd get 'that's nice love - wine?' & maybe some light interest over where I'd got it or had I had a nice time looking around... I couldn't live with your DH.

KoalaDownUnder · 28/07/2016 07:48

He is selfish, bossy and petty. In a nutshell. Sad

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 28/07/2016 07:51

He thinks he is superior to you. In his mind that gives him the right to put you down and criticise. He is a bully and is making you doubt yourself.

Most of our purchases are discussed in advance but both of us have bought stuff without discussion. When things are discussed both of us have an equal voice and sometimes we both end up compromising. I doubt your DH compromises much.

lottiegarbanzo · 28/07/2016 07:51

But copying paint colour from show homes is the act of someone with NO sense of personal style or taste! Rather, of someone who either has no idea and is happy to be told, or is desperate to fit in and be seen to fit in.

Anyway, it's his reaction that's the problem, shouting, belittling.

Would I be happy if DP wanted to fill our house with 'junk'? No and we operate by agreeing paint or furniture purchases, though I'm more interested, so put more thought in and he usually agrees.

But that's not the point. The point is that if one of us did buy something the other didn't like, we'd talk about it and agree a resolution. I wouldn't use it as an opportunity to humiliate him.

WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 28/07/2016 07:55

Surely taste is largely subjective anyway?
He sounds... Odd. Controlling. It sounds like a really miserable way to live.
I generally buy the furniture etc for our house as DH isn't massively interested, but I will run it past him first. If he chose something I'd be pleased he was showing an interest, even if it wasn't to my taste. Family harmony/kindness/respect is more important than having 'perfect' furniture in the house, IMO.

Ditsy4 · 28/07/2016 08:01

I bought a lot of the furniture in our house.
Just because he doesn't like it doesn't mean you can't have it. People have different tastes not that you have " no taste." You should tell him about the ugly stuff.
He is controlling and sounds like he wants a show house rather than a home.

whois · 28/07/2016 08:04

Ah the hipster nester!

It's not about the bench. It's about him not being very nice to you.

KoalaDownUnder · 28/07/2016 08:08

So hang on - this is or isn't the guy who refused to buy any furniture, but bought a ham stand?

HelloConfidenceAreYouThere · 28/07/2016 08:08

In our house, we have an agreement that if the other person buys furniture etc for the house that we don't like, it has to be put up and lived with for 2 weeks before it can be vetoed. It means no one me can be negative from the outset. I've learned to like things I would never have considered this way. Could this work for you?

Short of that I would tell him he's being very patronising telling you that you gave no taste and you are going to continue to turn the house into a home, so tough. And walk away when he's shouting at you - you're not 5, you don't have to stand there bring told off.