To wonder if DH's reaction was normal?

[MrsMcBoatface]

Sigh. Another house issue here, I've posted before about DH being very controlling about what we have in the house furniture-wise, but we had a 'big talk' recently and I told him I needed to feel that I had a say in the decorating, that I had felt disenfranchised in our previous place, that I wanted to be able to choose some things for the house (we just bought...a place we both liked very much with lots of character).

Yesterday I bought some things at an antique shop without asking or telling him what I was intending to do. Not big things (OK here's what they are: a bench, which I wanted to put baskets on, and an old ladder I wanted to put against a wall to hang scarves/jumpers on. Nice things, I feel very defensive about this. It was a good idea. Or so I thought. Lovely things, lovely wood, nice waxy finish and stylish, I thought.) I bought them into the house and was pleased with the effect.

I knew it was a risk, I'd felt guilty even as I paid for them (my own money which I earned) but when I told H I'd bought a bench he was furious and shouted at me. Before he'd seen it. He said I'd obviously been ripped off and bought some old junk, that he hated benches, that I should have told him I was buying something and showed him a picture, that he'd never buy anything without asking me . So, a totally bad reaction.

He's since seen the bench (it's a really nice bench) and realised it looked good but rather than being contrite he just said it wasn't French (the antique place said it was) but English. He's lying. There is absolutely no way he could know this. I really felt such hatred for him when he said that. Totally undermined. I haven't told him about the ladder.

I have (predictably) gone ballistic about this. His reaction was over the top. But am now wondering if perhaps he had a point and I should have at least told him I was buying it? What do other people do? Is it normal to have to ask permission?

A giant painting or something like that is absolutely a joint decision btw. Small items of furniture and trinkets aren't.

What is quite telling in this scenario is that he had to have the last word and a final snide, even though he actually liked the bloody bench. He'll allow it this time but don't forget who gets the final say.
That would aggravate me.

Yes, Pictish his way of going about it is wrong. And if he liked the bench very silly.

But the ladder would be in the garden if I walked in and saw it in the hall. That IS a big design statement and defo something which you either love or hate. Also a twee bench with baskets for random kippel would drive me mad.

MrsKoala I pray that a time will never come when you have more serious issues to ponder.

Why not an old ladder?

Arguably, health and safety. I have an elderly frail father in law and all sorts of things - steps, anything that he might grab onto for support which would then topple down - is a potential danger.

It's also something that a toddler would immediately want to fiddle with - attempt to climb.

So probably okay for a childless couple who only entertain other childless couples.

I'm playing devil's advocate. If someone wants to hang scarves on antique ladder and the ladder isn't going to come crashing down to hurt someone it's probably fine.

What he is saying is that he is in charge, know your place and shut up.

This is your life. Get used to it.

We generally run it by each other before buying something big. Not because we feel we ought to but of consideration for each other. It's our money and our house so for us it's right that we discuss it and decide together. I would never expect to be shouted at or disregarded in the way you have been and if DH then liked something I had bought that he originally said he didn't then he would admit it. Is this a symptom of a wider issue in your marriage?

Oh ffs! Of course I have lots of serious things to worry about. What a ridiculous and reductive statement attempting to make me look vacuous and you superior. I also think design is important. The fact others don't doesn't mean I am trivial and they are high minded and serious. How stupid.

Can I ask you all a question because my DH is like this and I never know what to do for the best?

So if I tell him I've seen something/ask what he thinks, and he says no, what then? Do I obey and not buy it or buy it anyway, in which case he'll say what's the point in me asking then?

Is this the man who refused to buy chairs? And wanted to make clothes rails etc....

I wonder whether he has a sneaking suspicion that OP's taste is in fact superior to his, which is why he has to make a massive point of being The One Who Knows. The thing about basing his choice of wall colouring on what developers do suggests to me he is in the design business due to talents other than design sense and that he sometimes feels a bit of a fraud around his more creative colleagues as well as his wife, therefore is bullying/bullshitting to cover it up. Could be a million miles out, of course, but my father could be like that in some ways. You could never tell when he really did know what he was talking about (which, to be fair, was more often than not) or when he was laying down the law off the top of his head. Either way he tended to get dreadfully huffy if challenged.

Spot on pictish he is like a dictator I'm feeling defensive about the ladder. Our kids have left home (both doing great) and we've downsized, I wasn't really ready to give up our previous location so I've already massively compromised...this location suits him more than me but I'm able to make a life for myself.

Google country living + ladders to see what I'm getting at! It's a library ladder from a famous country house (it has a trace of an old label) and it was also useful yesterday to get myself up into the beams (very old house). So...beautiful and useful. I'm still defensive, perhaps trying to convince myself?

He sounds like a fucking bellend. LTB

In our house if someone says no, that is it. It doesn't get bought. We don't believe someone should have to live with something they hate because someone else loves it. It's nice to see something you love in your own home but it's awful to see something daily that you hate, and even if I loved something, knowing it bothered dh in his own space would make me sad, so I'd rather not have it.

We have one painting in the house which dh loves so much and I loath. But he loves it so so much and it means so much to him I agreed. But one is my limit. And I know if I said i really wanted it down he would agree.

Both should like everything or it doesn't get purchased.

A ladder to hang scarves on sounds like my idea of hell and it would have been back out the door if DH had pulled a stunt like that.

Thankfully we both can't abide clutter so it would never be an issue.

Rino, my predicament exactly! Is it selfish to want something?

Truth is, I should be living alone. I'd prefer it it may be that I'm just not suited to being a couple so I'm making a big deal about being miffed about his interfering.

I actually meant that seriously Mrs Koala. I wasn't mocking. I was thinking, life must be going really well for her, no major troubles on the horizon, because I cannot understand you having long conversations about the colour of cups otherwise. Unless they're on display. And I was feeling envious.

I don't think design is unimportant even though I'm no design guru. I've just bought an item for its looks, though I do have two potential uses for it. Getting it home will be a great chore which I will have to do on foot, but I like the item enough to make the effort.

kinloss she wants to hang scarves on it, so presumably it's going to be in a bedroom or some other private area. It suits her lifestyle and she likes it, so whilst not everyone will like it, it isn't completely incomprehensible.

This is totally NOT normal.

The thing is, from your post it's absolutely clear that the reason he went ballistic was not anything at all to do with your choices, but the fact that you had taken a decision without involving him. This is controlling behaviour: his reaction is extreme and fearful - you have changed something in his environment without his say so. After he saw the things, he calmed down, but he then came up with a post-hoc rationalisation of his anger, saying the bench wasn't French.

Basically, he has big issues around environmental control, and the post-hoc stuff suggests he realises that the reaction isn't quite right, but that he wants to hide that fact from you and from himself. He needs to confront the reasons why he's so controlling. Does he come from a home where the environment wasn't controllable in some way? Is his identity overly bound up in design and the things around him? (His criticism of your taste, quite unjustified I'm sure, suggests the latter). There must be a background to this insecurity.

I think that you did the right thing in buying the stuff you liked. Of COURSE you should be able to have some say over your own house! However, the fact that you have to go out on a limb like this suggests that the whole issue of furnishing has become saturated with power politics to an intolerable degree. A healthier approach would be where you discuss additions in a non-power dominated way, listen to each other, and make a decision together (this does NOT mean him getting his way and bulldozing you!!) I would suggest that this would be the thing to work for, but that, initially, it involves him backing the FUCK off and letting you have some room to breathe!

Truth is, I should be living alone. I'd prefer it smile it may be that I'm just not suited to being a couple so I'm making a big deal about being miffed about his interfering

Maybe you should do just that.

Frankly, I would divorce him. That kind of drama is something I just wouldn't find acceptable. I like a stress-free life, and with that kind of person, that's unachievable, likely even if you try to do everything as he wants it (which you noticed makes you feel bad, anyway).

It sounds as if - unpleasant as his reaction was - you have turned a corner with your bench and ladder and made a step forward to being assertive (not aggressive) in your own home. That's great! You also then managed to buy sofas that you both like, so he is starting to listen to you/you are starting to listen to each other too - more progress.

I think that whenever you look at your bench and ladder now, they will be reminders that you are allowed a say in how your home/life/relationship should be. And next time he shouts at you or is territorial, perhaps you will be able to say, calmly, "Hang on. This isn't the way I want to live my life. Do you really want a wife who has no opinions? I like it. You don't. No need for shouting."

In our house we would definitely both have to like a bench or ladder before we bought it. DH cares more about design and the house generally so he finds most things but if I said I didn't like something we wouldn't have it in the house.

Oh, and you can be part of a couple while living alone. It's possible. More difficult with children, obviously, but you didn't mention children.

(Oh, and for what it's worth, I know exactly the kind of ladder you mean and exactly the kind of use you're going for, and I bet it looks bloody terrific!)

In our house we would definitely both have to like a bench or ladder before we bought it. DH cares more about design and the house generally so he finds most things but if I said I didn't like something we wouldn't have it in the house.

Well, yes, but: He said that she could choose what she wants. Also, this is still not a normal reaction.
Normal reaction would have been to look at the stuff, and then, perhaps, say: "I don't really like that. How important is it to you to keep it?"

If a couple is well-off and the children have left home, it's usually possible to have a bit of space which is more 'yours'. Right now my husband has a workroom, and there's another one which I mainly use. So in communal/more 'public' areas, things are a joint decision. But in areas which belong more to one person, they have much more of a say. It's one way of resolving/accommodating difference.