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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To make DD sit in the hotel room reading?

85 replies

FreyaFriday · 27/07/2016 11:14

We are currently on day 5 of a week long all inclusive break abroad. Lovely hotel, lots for the kids to do, nothing 'boring' etc.

DD (11) gets in terrible moods sometimes and has spent the whole holiday so far in a foul mood. She has a constant sulky look on her face, is being rude, horrible to her younger brother and hasn't smiled once!

We have constantly done whatever she wants apart from yesterday when we went for 2 hours to the local village. DD cried and was rude and nasty the whole time we were there.

We have taken her phone off her now for the remainder of the holiday and it did help a bit last night but this morning she has been worse than ever.

So we have now said she has to sit in the hotel room all day and can only read, not watch tv or have her phone. And she is kicking off big time. We have a swim up room so we are on the terrace of our room using the pool, we haven't just abandoned her in the room.

Are we being unreasonable? I don't know what else to do!

OP posts:

YeOldMa · 27/07/2016 11:59

I remember that age well with my DD and I wish I could go back and be a little kinder. She may not know herself why she feels the way she does. Hormonal issues can be terrible and they can turn you into a completely different person. If you could try to remain calm, get her to remove herself from a bad situation when she feels sad or tearful but join you when she feels she can be happy, then I think you will have an easier time of it. Punishing her will just make her more resentful. Go back to basics and use things like the phone a treat for good behaviour so she has something to work for rather than just adding to her woes. Have you checked her phone, social media accounts, etc., to ensure she isn't being bullied or encouraged to behave badly? Speak to her when she is in a better mood and find out if she recognises the trigger points. That way you might be able to manage the situation a little better or help her to manage them.

QueenArseClangers · 27/07/2016 12:00

My DD was a right little sod. Moody as fuck and had a horrible attitude for a few days, was at our wits' end.
The next morning she started her period and was only 9. Poor thing, still gets ratty now but takes herself off to chill out or do some exercise or a bath.
But yeah, having the hormones of a woman in a mind of a child can be a right ball ache!

insan1tyscartching · 27/07/2016 12:03

Have you asked her what she'd like to do? My tolerance of a hotel room, a pool and hot weather would be about an hour and a half before I was bored rigid tbh throw in a pesky younger brother and it would be down to about forty minutes.
Is there a kids club where she could meet people her own age? Is there some sort of entertainment she'd enjoy or a trip out that she'd like?
I wouldn't confiscate the phone tbh because it's a holiday and there's no need to create more bad feeling. I'd just chat, acknowledge she doesn't seem happy, explain about give and take and explore what she wants to do that you will honour in exchange for her bearing good grace whilst doing what others might enjoy.

PaintedDrivesAndPolishedGrass · 27/07/2016 12:03

Have you tried asking her what is wrong?

MothertotheLordsofmisrule · 27/07/2016 12:09

This would wind me up no end especially seeing as you have done what she has wanted to do apart from a brief stint in the local village.

Hormones or not, this is a family holiday for the whole family to enjoy, not a holiday where she and her strop gets to dictate what everyone does.

Currently on day 5 of a holiday where hissy fits have been largely ignored but opinions on activities listened to.
Generally the "little ray of sunshine" has gotten over themselves and actually enjoyed themselves.

strawberrybootlace · 27/07/2016 12:13

It IS hormones, but also also a misplaced sense of entitlement in my opinion (at least with our dd). I think that you are quite right to take the phone and TV away. I would do what a pp suggested and let her sulk indoors but keep checking on her in a friendly way and remind her that she is welcome to join in.

I have to say that my parents ignored this kind of behaviour, which was unhelpful for me and for our relationship in the long run. I needed some clear boundaries and suggestions for dealing with those feelings. As well as an explanation of hormones/ adolescent brain rewiring.

Heavens2Betsy · 27/07/2016 12:20

SpareChange - I've been pregnant suffer with PMS and have been hormonal so I do know what its like
Feeling irritable is one thing but rudeness and bad behaviour shouldn't be excused or passed off as hormones.

PerspicaciaTick · 27/07/2016 12:30

I would have adored the chance to be left alone with a book. Perhaps she will surface in a better mood.

Funnyface1 · 27/07/2016 12:31

Have you explained to her about selfish behaviour and how it affects other people? Some people literally need it spelling out for them. I wouldn't blame it on her age and hormones unless you're prepared to put up with it for the next 8-9 teenage years. I personally would clamp down on this, especially when you've done such a nice thing for her and you're supposed to be having a lovely family holiday. People don't just grow out of being bratty and entitled. Good luck.

Notso · 27/07/2016 12:33

Hmm, it's a hard one. Grumpy teens and pre-teens are infuriating but also punishing her is unlikely to make her any happier.

MrsJayy · 27/07/2016 12:36

You have pandered to her all holiday and still she is being bratty Id leave her to stew give her the phone tv and let her sit in the room and enjoy whats left of your holiday. I would have stomped on her behaviour day 3

diddl · 27/07/2016 12:46

Have you all been doing stuff together all the time?

I think that that can be hard at 11, even if it's stuff she wants to do.

WoahSlowDown · 27/07/2016 12:58

How annoying. I think she is allowed to be miserable but she isn't allowed to be rude.

I don't think it's ever acceptable to be rude because of hormones regardless of age or reason. It's ridiculous and insulting to suggest pregnant woman can't control their actions. I accept that you can't always control your emotions though.

I'd have clamped down on rudeness as soon as it happened. Rather than asking her what she wants to do I would have have told that I could see it was pointless trying to appease her so you are going to do what suits everyone else. I'd punish her for the rudeness but not for being miserable IYSWIM. Maybe no TV today.

Amelie10 · 27/07/2016 12:59

Hormones , oh please she is behaving like a bloody brat. Don't pander to her and make her sit in the room reading. She's being rude and selfish to everyone else with her behaviour. She needs a good dose of learning to be grateful.

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 27/07/2016 13:03

ShelaghTurner you are joking aren't you?

By "bygone ages" do you mean when you were a delightful hormone free being who passed seamlessly from childhood to adulthood, or when your kids did, or do you mean a hundred years ago or a thousand?

I was a stroppy hormonal teen in the 80s and I'd say my sisters were worse and I knew others even worse.

Going back further you can find plenty of examples of selfish "young people" (teens/ young adults though the term teen hadn't been coined) in the likes of Thackeray, Bronte, Dickens and Austin... very likely it was a common theme in society if it made it into fiction.

KERALA1 · 27/07/2016 13:11

Hmmm. I was a "good" girl but on our family holiday aged 11 my mum was horrid to me, shouting, telling me I'd ruined everyones holiday, was selfish ranting on.

I was utterly baffled as to what I was supposedly doing wrong I genuinely didn't know. It was really awful. Whatever I did seemed to be wrong. I started my first period at the end of that holiday. I think I just sort of withdrew into myself before I came on without realising and wasn't able to be a carefree jolly child playing with my two younger sisters that my parents wanted me to be. I am going to be extremely sympathetic when my dds hit this age because my memories of this very vivid.

pillowaddict · 27/07/2016 13:12

Yup, hormones are a bugger, but that doesn't mean that she gets away with behaving as she likes scot-free. OP, could you maybe take her for lunch just the two of you to have a wee chat, explain that you're worried she seems unhappy and does she want to talk about anything. This may give her the chance and a safe space to come out of her mood, from experience as a moody pre teen/teen adult it can be really hard to snap out of it even when you want to when you've made such a fuss! Either she ends up back in the room in the afternoon or you can all do something more fun, could be a chance to mend the situation though.

pillowaddict · 27/07/2016 13:13

(also if you don't mind me asking where are you, all inclusive with a swim up room and presumably space for 4 inside sounds like just what I was after this year but couldn't find it anywhere!)

Dogolphin · 27/07/2016 13:16

Some exercise may help her a bit. Also a cuddle. Good luck OP.

LagunaBubbles · 27/07/2016 13:19

Yes hormones can affect your mood but shes 11 - old enough to be told shes spoiling the holiday for everyone and to put a smile on her face, at least when shes speaking to you all, no excuse for rudeness.

mum23kidz · 27/07/2016 13:21

I would absolutely not give the phone back at all. ,i al think that having her in ! room or at least nearby while you all h fun may work. at the end of the day its her choice. as far as the hormones you still need to learn how to control yourself hormones or not.

gillybeanz · 27/07/2016 13:26

Hormones aren't an excuse, they are a reason.
I would just carry on what you are doing and let her get on with it.
let her be miserable and you enjoy yourselves, she'll soon come round when the focus isn't her behaviour.
I don't agree that girls can't understand their behaviour is hormonal, mine was far better when she realised it wasn't everybody else, it was her, and at times she would be ratty.
She often explains her behaviour by apologising and saying it's Hilda Hormone time. The understanding has helped her to monitor her behaviour better.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 27/07/2016 13:31

I'm really not sure what you are hoping to achieve by doing this. Will it make her nicer, more reasonable?

A hot holiday lounging about is some people's idea of hell. Maybe your dd is similar? Maybe it's just too long all together? Who knows but I'm fairly sure making her sit in the room and read will do nothing to help the situation.

HoneyDragon · 27/07/2016 13:31

She's sulked when you've done what she want, and actively been nasty when you haven't?

You have another child to think of. I don't think a bollocking would go a miss at all. Part of growing up is learning that hormones aren't a valid excuse for being a wanker.

Whistle73 · 27/07/2016 13:36

I remember this well, a few years ago my then 11-year-old dd completely ruined an expensive holiday with her moods, tantrums and meltdowns. At one point things were so bad she refused to join us for meals and sat across the restaurant with a friend's family instead!
I managed to salvage things after a few days by banning her from drinking the bright blue additive-laden slushy that was on tap at the bar (all inclusive!) and it did help a bit, but that was also the start of three years of hell we have had from her which thankfully we have come out the other side of now!

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