To make DD sit in the hotel room reading?

[FreyaFriday]

We are currently on day 5 of a week long all inclusive break abroad. Lovely hotel, lots for the kids to do, nothing 'boring' etc.

DD (11) gets in terrible moods sometimes and has spent the whole holiday so far in a foul mood. She has a constant sulky look on her face, is being rude, horrible to her younger brother and hasn't smiled once!

We have constantly done whatever she wants apart from yesterday when we went for 2 hours to the local village. DD cried and was rude and nasty the whole time we were there.

We have taken her phone off her now for the remainder of the holiday and it did help a bit last night but this morning she has been worse than ever.

So we have now said she has to sit in the hotel room all day and can only read, not watch tv or have her phone. And she is kicking off big time. We have a swim up room so we are on the terrace of our room using the pool, we haven't just abandoned her in the room.

Are we being unreasonable? I don't know what else to do!

[VioletBam]

I have a 12 year old dd. She's awful sometimes but it's not her fault. Hormones are terrible things.

I explain to her about managing anger and about hormones and she seems to try to control herself....I also think they need even more love when they're mean.

Another thing is that when my DD is hungry she is worse.

[blindsider]

What in heavens name is a swim up room??

[Natsku]

A bit of time all by herself is probably exactly what she needs if it is hormones. A bit of space to have a good cry and sulk and feel like 'nobody cares what I want' and time to calm down afterwards.

If possible, do something just the two of you afterwards and talk about when you were a grumpy preteen at times and how you realised when you were older that it was hormones and they got easier to deal with as you got used to them. And make sure she understands the effect she's having on the rest of you - that its not fair to ruin the holiday for everyone no matter how grumpy we feel.

[Goingtobeawesome]

Day two? I'd have had words in hour two.

I'd talk to her about how she's feelings incase it is hormones as I get grumpy sometimes and can't snap out of it but if she's just be spoilt she can miss out.

[Salmotrutta]

I wonder if teens and pre-teens got stroppy and awful when they had to go out and hunt/gather their food/skin dead animals to make clothes whilst avoiding sabre-toothed Tigers and other scary beasts.

[apintofharpandapacketofdates]

my 12yo can be a bit like that

sometimes they need the most love when they're at their most horrible.

agree that the rudeness needs consequences though

[FeliciaJollygoodfellow]

I would have told her to take her miserable face back to the room but I don't think I would have taken her stuff off her.

Kids. So annoying. Next time leave her at home

[RichardBucket]

I totally get "grounding" her to the hotel room, because she's whinging about everything else anyway. But why can't she watch TV or have her phone? Punishing her for not enjoying a holiday seems very odd to me.

[Floggingmolly]

The sulky brats of bygone ages sulked in silence or got a smack upside the head, ShelaghTurner. I was one; but if I'd attempted to spoil a family holiday I don't think I'd be here now, typing this...

[Jackiebrambles]

I am almost 40 but I remember the awful feelings at that age really well. My parents couldn't do anything right, I hated fucking everything and everyone.

I think leave her to it - she probably needs to just wallow on her own. I wouldn't give her her phone (in case that is winding her up more) but I'd let her read her book or maybe watch tv and vegetate for a bit.

Then later I would try to talk to her, don't be annoyed or mention her strops, just see if she'll tell you what's wrong. If not just give her a cuddle and tell her you love her.

Don't make a big fuss when she decides to rejoin you.

[Gottagetmoving]

I had 'hormones' like anyone else but it was not allowed as an excuse or reason for nasty or bad behaviour. Feeling shit doesn't mean you can become horrible and take it out on other people.

[mrssnodge]

I recently had similar but with Step DD almost 17! DP wouldn't confront her behaviour, and it all blew up in a fight 5 days in as I couldn't stand it any longer- totally spoilt my only holiday and I had paid for half of everything!
I tried to get her talk, tried making her laugh, sympathising, etc, was met with stony silence and eye rolling and huffing and she wouldn't get out of bed until noon- We were in a small apartment, she was sleeping in the main lounge part- which made her lie ins so awkward.
Never again!! , I dont know why she wanted to come in the first place, as she seemed so hell bent on having a bad time and hated us enjoying ourselves.
Of course she then rang her DM & said how I was horrible to her and of course missed out the part when she called me a fucking slag!!

[SlimCheesy2]

I'd be giving her a cuddle, asking her if she is alright and asking if she wants time alone. Then giving her some space.

If that does not work then perhaps some firm talking, but when has firm taking and lectures helped anyone's mood to improve?

[Jackiebrambles]

I actually stopped going on family holidays when I was about 14 or 15. Stayed at home with my older sister instead.

[Jackiebrambles]

Should have said mainly for the reason that my family drove me mad and I was a stroppy teen!

[Gottagetmoving]

You have pandered to her all holiday and still she is being bratty

That is WHY she is still being bratty.

[SlimCheesy2]

KERALA - what you said up thread really hit home for me. I grew up with a DM who just shouted all the time, and screamed and yelled and always told me how awful I was, and how I ruined everything and I never knew what was wrong. It made me scared to out a foot wrong so I retreated and retreated within myself. I think it is fair to say that this damaged me quite badly when I really needed support and love. (

That is why I said in my post 'when has firm talking ever improved anyones mood?'

if the Op, or anyone else wrote and said 'I'm on holiday. I have raging PMT, everyone is annoying me and I just want to be left alone' then people would be advising her to take it easy, give herself some space.... and rightly so. I do think that a pre-pubescent teen who has no real experience or coping skills to deal with hormone issues that are a completely new experience to her also needs and deserves love and respect rather than just being flattened with anger and stern treatment. The O's DD might needs some space. It sounds like the OP and the rest of her family ALSO need some space. That is fair enough from all perspectives.

[tofutti]

My Mum would have told me that I was spoiling the holiday for everyone else, and to put a smile on my face or else.

This sounds like the movie Inside Out. Do people tell their sons to 'put a smile on your face or else'?

Rude and nasty behaviour should of course be dealt with, but it's not a crime to be sad.

[Dancergirl]

If these hormones are so strong that kids have no option but to be selfish sulky brats, where are the selfish sulky brats of bygone ages?

Well I was one in the 80s.

Luckily we know a LOT more about the teenage brain now, there is a lot of brain development and 'rewiring' that goes on that makes teens and pre-teens act as they do.

I'm not saying they should get away with being rude or unpleasant, but there is a reason for their behaviour sometimes. My own 13 year old gets into horrible moods which she can't get out of. She annoys HERSELF sometimes and hates being like that when it happens.

[Dancergirl]

I also think they need even more love when they're mean

So true. A very wise older lady once said to me, the angrier they are, the more love they need. It's easy to love someone who is being nice and pleasant, much more challenging when they being awful. But they really need that love and it helps them to snap out of it quicker.

[Gottagetmoving]

They need love whether they are being pleasant or mean.
Love is also not allowing your child to be nasty and obnoxious. If you love someone you don't tolerate them being horrible to you.
I think some people think hugs and cuddles equals love but being firm is mean and unloving.

They need understanding when they are going through difficult teen years. It's no good trying to cuddle a teen while they are in a bad temper...Most likely they will push you away or pull away.
It's when they have calmed down that they will welcome the bug and reassurance..

[Gottagetmoving]

HUG....not bug... bloody stupid autocorrect!!

[FeliciaJollygoodfellow]

I was horrible at that age. I went through puberty earlier than any of my friends so was dealing with all that, neither of my parents were open about bodies or sex so I only found stuff out by reading. I've never been a person to let go and cry on someone and although mum and I have and had a great relationship I would and did completely reject any attempt at love bombing.

I just wanted to be left alone to do my own thing, much like today

[ShelaghTurner]

I'm not really joking. I was a sulky little bugger from about 14 but stayed in my room. No way would I have behaved as these kids are doing. And in my small survey of people I'm related to/friends with/whatever, I've yet to find anyone who can relate to what kids are allowed to behave like sometimes now. The nearest is my dad and his friends but they were little sods from a young age. When it came to being faced with their parents even the worst of them pulled their heads in. Someone above said it, it's hormones mixed with a huge sense of entitlement and I daresay my kids will be exactly the same.

[HermioneJeanGranger]

I was a complete nightmare as a teenager. I had horrendous moodswings and regretted it straight away, but I was always far too ashamed to admit I was wrong so I carried on sulking

Is there any reason the whole holiday has been about doing what she wants, though? If she gets her way all the time, no wonder she sulks when things aren't perfect or she's not doing what she wants. Kids need to learn that not everything is about them, and that sometimes, you have to do what other people want and at least pretend to enjoy it.