To make DD sit in the hotel room reading?

[FreyaFriday]

We are currently on day 5 of a week long all inclusive break abroad. Lovely hotel, lots for the kids to do, nothing 'boring' etc.

DD (11) gets in terrible moods sometimes and has spent the whole holiday so far in a foul mood. She has a constant sulky look on her face, is being rude, horrible to her younger brother and hasn't smiled once!

We have constantly done whatever she wants apart from yesterday when we went for 2 hours to the local village. DD cried and was rude and nasty the whole time we were there.

We have taken her phone off her now for the remainder of the holiday and it did help a bit last night but this morning she has been worse than ever.

So we have now said she has to sit in the hotel room all day and can only read, not watch tv or have her phone. And she is kicking off big time. We have a swim up room so we are on the terrace of our room using the pool, we haven't just abandoned her in the room.

Are we being unreasonable? I don't know what else to do!

[scaryteacher]

Tofutti My brother used to get told the same thing, and I have been known to say that to my own ds, and to the teens we used to take on activities week and other school trips, regardless of their gender.

[LivingInMidnight]

She might just want a bit of space. Is there a separate pool or just the swim up one? I'd send her there if there was.

[DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen]

Er isn't that a bit harsh ?

Ignoring bad behaviour is pretty standard parenting advice.

I'm sure the OP wants her dd to be in the holiday mode and sparky and happy, but she's not so she shouldn't try and make her imho. Ignore her perfectly normal teenage strops and get on and enjoy the holiday.

And if I was harsh, I wouldn't have suggested giving her phone back, would I?

[elodie2000]

Let's say hormones are taking over & making her moody and irritable then.
She still needs to learn that despite her mood, there is NEVER an excuse to be rude & ruin things for everyone else.
Fine for her to be quietly pissed off and out of sorts but she's out of order making everyone else miserable.

[JeanGenie23]

I went through stages of being mean, especially to my mom (I thought she preferred my friend to me) at my worst my dad said to me that my behaviour was disgusting and selfish and if I wanted to be treated like an adult I should act like one. It stuck with me and I vowed to change.

I would stop punishing your add because she will only become worse I would ask her how she expects you guys to react to her behaviour? What is it that she wants? Ask her what's the issue? I can bet this is just a power struggle and when she can see you aren't fighting it will stump her!

[yaaasqueen]

Stop engaging with her and trying make her feel something she's not


Er isn't that a bit harsh ? Something she's not what, important or worthy of attention? To be honest if you want her to behave ie. Be happy then that's the worst thing to do? Why would you want to make your daughter feel like she's basically unworthy of anyone's time, that's not going to improve her behaviour!!

[yaaasqueen]

I was a complete nightmare as a teenager. I had horrendous moodswings and regretted it straight away, but I was always far too ashamed to admit I was wrong so I carried on sulking


Basically this. I only worked it out by the age of about 21 that I could just you know, decide to stop being in the sulk and get on with my day.

[yaaasqueen]

Sit her down and say listen I know you are going through growing up and it can be very tricky. But would you like to tell me why you are so unhappy what is really going on. Maybe if we talk about it without either of us using nasty words or having any attitude just being neutral and listen to each other. See what she says. I know at that age (actually it was the summer between yr 7 and 8) I was feeling a bit self conscious as I didn't think I had "cool" clothes and stuff, I would probably have liked to go to the kids club or done a turn in the hotel talent show but I felt others would judge me for not being cool and being babyish- I was probably having some friendship issue/ongoing saga over text that was irritating me but would be ridiculously trivial to an adult, and I had probably spotted a boy I quite liked the look of but thought I was too much of a hideous troll to ever get him to speak to me...

That's just me. I'd probably have appreciated a hug, a chat and my mum to let me get my hair done in those funky braids or let me get a new lip gloss so I'd feel "cool". But I had hideously low self esteem too I just had NO CLUE how to express myself! I don't know your dd maybe she just feels rubbish and doesn't know why??

This being said... I'd she screams at you and refuses your offer of understanding then a telling off is in order and take the phone away for a bit! !!

[DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen]

I'd just give her phone back and ignore her and get on with your holiday tbh. Stop engaging with her and trying make her feel something she's not. Don't allow rudeness but equally don't get into a battle on your holiday.

of swim up room

[Whinyleonard]

Just googled swim up beach. How have I not been introduced to this phenomenon before?

[HermioneJeanGranger]

I was a complete nightmare as a teenager. I had horrendous moodswings and regretted it straight away, but I was always far too ashamed to admit I was wrong so I carried on sulking

Is there any reason the whole holiday has been about doing what she wants, though? If she gets her way all the time, no wonder she sulks when things aren't perfect or she's not doing what she wants. Kids need to learn that not everything is about them, and that sometimes, you have to do what other people want and at least pretend to enjoy it.

[ShelaghTurner]

I'm not really joking. I was a sulky little bugger from about 14 but stayed in my room. No way would I have behaved as these kids are doing. And in my small survey of people I'm related to/friends with/whatever, I've yet to find anyone who can relate to what kids are allowed to behave like sometimes now. The nearest is my dad and his friends but they were little sods from a young age. When it came to being faced with their parents even the worst of them pulled their heads in. Someone above said it, it's hormones mixed with a huge sense of entitlement and I daresay my kids will be exactly the same.

[FeliciaJollygoodfellow]

I was horrible at that age. I went through puberty earlier than any of my friends so was dealing with all that, neither of my parents were open about bodies or sex so I only found stuff out by reading. I've never been a person to let go and cry on someone and although mum and I have and had a great relationship I would and did completely reject any attempt at love bombing.

I just wanted to be left alone to do my own thing, much like today

[Gottagetmoving]

HUG....not bug... bloody stupid autocorrect!!

[Gottagetmoving]

They need love whether they are being pleasant or mean.
Love is also not allowing your child to be nasty and obnoxious. If you love someone you don't tolerate them being horrible to you.
I think some people think hugs and cuddles equals love but being firm is mean and unloving.

They need understanding when they are going through difficult teen years. It's no good trying to cuddle a teen while they are in a bad temper...Most likely they will push you away or pull away.
It's when they have calmed down that they will welcome the bug and reassurance..

[Dancergirl]

I also think they need even more love when they're mean

So true. A very wise older lady once said to me, the angrier they are, the more love they need. It's easy to love someone who is being nice and pleasant, much more challenging when they being awful. But they really need that love and it helps them to snap out of it quicker.

[Dancergirl]

If these hormones are so strong that kids have no option but to be selfish sulky brats, where are the selfish sulky brats of bygone ages?

Well I was one in the 80s.

Luckily we know a LOT more about the teenage brain now, there is a lot of brain development and 'rewiring' that goes on that makes teens and pre-teens act as they do.

I'm not saying they should get away with being rude or unpleasant, but there is a reason for their behaviour sometimes. My own 13 year old gets into horrible moods which she can't get out of. She annoys HERSELF sometimes and hates being like that when it happens.

[tofutti]

My Mum would have told me that I was spoiling the holiday for everyone else, and to put a smile on my face or else.

This sounds like the movie Inside Out. Do people tell their sons to 'put a smile on your face or else'?

Rude and nasty behaviour should of course be dealt with, but it's not a crime to be sad.

[SlimCheesy2]

KERALA - what you said up thread really hit home for me. I grew up with a DM who just shouted all the time, and screamed and yelled and always told me how awful I was, and how I ruined everything and I never knew what was wrong. It made me scared to out a foot wrong so I retreated and retreated within myself. I think it is fair to say that this damaged me quite badly when I really needed support and love. (

That is why I said in my post 'when has firm talking ever improved anyones mood?'

if the Op, or anyone else wrote and said 'I'm on holiday. I have raging PMT, everyone is annoying me and I just want to be left alone' then people would be advising her to take it easy, give herself some space.... and rightly so. I do think that a pre-pubescent teen who has no real experience or coping skills to deal with hormone issues that are a completely new experience to her also needs and deserves love and respect rather than just being flattened with anger and stern treatment. The O's DD might needs some space. It sounds like the OP and the rest of her family ALSO need some space. That is fair enough from all perspectives.

[Gottagetmoving]

You have pandered to her all holiday and still she is being bratty

That is WHY she is still being bratty.

[Jackiebrambles]

Should have said mainly for the reason that my family drove me mad and I was a stroppy teen!

[Jackiebrambles]

I actually stopped going on family holidays when I was about 14 or 15. Stayed at home with my older sister instead.

[SlimCheesy2]

I'd be giving her a cuddle, asking her if she is alright and asking if she wants time alone. Then giving her some space.

If that does not work then perhaps some firm talking, but when has firm taking and lectures helped anyone's mood to improve?

[mrssnodge]

I recently had similar but with Step DD almost 17! DP wouldn't confront her behaviour, and it all blew up in a fight 5 days in as I couldn't stand it any longer- totally spoilt my only holiday and I had paid for half of everything!
I tried to get her talk, tried making her laugh, sympathising, etc, was met with stony silence and eye rolling and huffing and she wouldn't get out of bed until noon- We were in a small apartment, she was sleeping in the main lounge part- which made her lie ins so awkward.
Never again!! , I dont know why she wanted to come in the first place, as she seemed so hell bent on having a bad time and hated us enjoying ourselves.
Of course she then rang her DM & said how I was horrible to her and of course missed out the part when she called me a fucking slag!!

[Gottagetmoving]

I had 'hormones' like anyone else but it was not allowed as an excuse or reason for nasty or bad behaviour. Feeling shit doesn't mean you can become horrible and take it out on other people.