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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unruly DS or strict parents?

142 replies

ElenaRenault · 26/07/2016 19:58

DS had a sleepover tonight, but I've just had to go and pick him up.

DS is 9 and was along with 4 other boys invited for a sleepover tonight, we're not very close to the family but accepted the invite as DS wanted to go and 2/4 invited boys are very close friends of his.

Drop off was at 4 and around 7pm parents phoned asking if I could pick DS up as he was being unruly and instigating disruptive behaviour.

I apologised and drove over straight away, when I got there 3/4 boys invited had all their stuff packed and we're waiting to be collected, I apologised again and asked what he'd done exactly.

They said DS kicked a ball into the garden from the kitchen, was playing tag in the living room and was egging on one of the other boys when parents were trying to discipline him.

DS can be disruptive and they had every right to ask him to be collected, but would you have done the same.

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 26/07/2016 21:33

There's nothing vile about saying your DS was disrespectful - because he was. However you are clearly minimising this and sound like one of "those" parents who think their child can do no wrong. I would say good luck to you as he grows but unfortunately and somewhat inevitably it will affect other children.

reup · 26/07/2016 21:35

What did the other boys sent home do?

TheRealKimmySchmidt63 · 26/07/2016 21:35

Some very harsh replies here - she should be ashamed of her son??? Really?? None of us were there - kids sometimes get carried away - parents did the right thing- give him a consequence and move on He's 9 ffs children behave differently in groups. Parents were silly for having a sleepover for 4 boys in the first place with no structure but then they plugged it - no big deal - move on

Lweji · 26/07/2016 21:47

Tbh, I'm not surprised the boys behaved like that if the parents are complaining about them being sent home on FB and starting threads on MN about it.

Glad you've punished him, though. And apologised. Although I'd just feel embarassed for my son.
It sounds like normal pushing of boundaries that happens at some point and the other parents and you have dealt with it appropriately.
It's possible that the host boy is too defiant and your son got a taste of how it feels. The hosts have had to defuse it and are probably thinking that their son can't be left with other children. He may be hard work and they've probably realised by now that what works when he's alone doesn't work in a group.
Learning curves for everyone.

Will you go on FB and acknowledge that your son didn't behave appropriately or will you let the other parents rip the hosts to threads?

sleeponeday · 26/07/2016 21:51

I've never had a kid behave that way in as a guest in my home. If one did, and there were no SN by way of reason, they'd be sent home and there would not be a return invite.

Waltermittythesequel · 26/07/2016 21:52

Will you go on FB and acknowledge that your son didn't behave appropriately or will you let the other parents rip the hosts to threads?

Personally, I would stay well out of it.

It's not the OP's job to defend the parents, nor her responsibility.

Rightly or wrongly, they are entitled to their opinions and to voice those opinions as they see fit.

43percentburnt · 26/07/2016 21:53

Sounds pretty typical behaviour! They can get silly due to the excitement. Structure is key. My dd had sleepovers from aged 5 upwards, between 4 and 10 girls each time- I found even numbers were best - behaviour varied. Dd loved them and I really enjoyed them, I got to know some of her friends really well. I sometimes sat up chatting if that's what they wanted. During the evening we have played games, disco lights and dancing, making pizza, colouring, camping in the garden, DVDs. The younger they were the more structure they had.

I'd have sent the boys into the garden and had Running and ball games. Then fed them and put a dvd on. Tbh I may have taken them Pokemon hunting for a couple of hours or geocaching!

MsJudgemental · 26/07/2016 21:53

Had many sleepovers from primary until present- DS now 16. Never had any problems. They are all made aware where in the house is off-limits and what time loud noise has to stop. Other than that, we just make sure there's enough food, drink, electric sockets and wifi and leave them to it. They have never been any trouble and have left next morning or afternoon saying thank you. If anyone had been rude to me or caused a nuisance they would have been sent home. I would be mortified if that was my child.

TwatbadgingCuntfuckery · 26/07/2016 21:55

Standard routine for sleepovers.Set the rule. Pre-order in more pizza than needed. Park/outside play for at least an hour. Let kids stuff themselves silly with lovely sleep inducing carby goodness. Stick kids in front of TV/game/board game (we do a simple version of D&D here). Don't give cola only lemonade. Send to bed around 10 with your best 'if you mess about I'm calling your mum' stare.

to me its sounds like partly boredom, partly bratty/excitable kids, mostly parents not being in control of the situation.

Udderz · 26/07/2016 21:57

Now we know why all the kids are so beautifully behaved, they take after their delightful mature considerate parents who are not at all chavtastic

Udderz · 26/07/2016 22:00

Why didn't you son and the others take themselves outside to play footy? Being insistent on the boys not playing footy expensive glass/equipment is very very normal

MadamDeathstare · 26/07/2016 22:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

43percentburnt · 26/07/2016 22:09

Does you ds fully recognise his behaviour was unacceptable? I would ask him if this is how he normally behaves at other people's houses. If this was my ds I would then ring and ask the parents who hosted the last sleepover (prior to this one) for a truthful account of how he behaved at their sleepover. (I have refused to have a friend of dd return but never told her parents - didn't want the hassle).

Does he normally get repeat invites to other children's houses? I think this can help to indicate how he is.

ayeokthen · 26/07/2016 22:12

I reckon that it's a bit of both, over excited kids not behaving great and parents fully unprepared for house full of hyper boys. What I really don't like is the level of nastiness towards OPs DS. Yes he didn't cover himself in glory at the sleepover, but come on, he's just a kid! There have been consequences, he's apologised and that's that. Lesson learned I'd say. All of you calling him vile and a brat and other awful names, are your kids perfect? I sincerely doubt it! OP, don't take it to heart. Kids learn lessons because they do stuff they shouldn't and learn why. It's not a hanging offence!

AnnaMarlowe · 26/07/2016 22:23

Given what you gave said about your DS defying the Mum over the ball I'm astounded that you felt the need to post this thread.

That's really appalling behaviour. Extremely disrespectful. He's 9yo, he knows full well that's completely unacceptable - I bet he wouldn't do that in school.

I'd be mortified if my DC behaved that way. I'd be online ordering apology flowers not criticising the parents on MN.

This is an extremely identifiable thread, you better hope the Mum isn't a MNer.

I'm very strict. No one misbehaves at my house and I have no problem 'coping' with overexcited groups of children. I'd have sent him home too.

One thing to consider. Evidence on many, many MN threads is that parents hate telling other parents about their children's bad behaviour and rarely do so. The last thread I read on this subject an MNer had a child deliberately wee on her carpet and still didn't tell the collecting parents.

So if this is the stuff they did mention, it was probably much, much worse in reality.

Cantusethatname · 26/07/2016 22:25

Absolutely with everyone who says that exercise is key.

My son has behaved in a similar way at a party (not a sleepover thankfully) I know that the party was a playstation one and that my son needs more physical activity otherwise he is a nightmare. Still told him off mightily - I might understand why he did it but that's no excuse for doing it.

ImperialBlether · 26/07/2016 22:42

I'd be mortified if my child was sent home. I think that the parents must have thought, "No way am I going to put up with this all night." You seem to be saying you won't inflict your child on the mum again. I think that's a promise rather than a threat.

winewolfhowls · 26/07/2016 22:42

Op, I think your ds may have got overexcited as part of a giddy group. No big deal. However, your attitude sounds awful and as mentioned upthread you should be buying apology flowers not trying to justify the poor behaviour. Do not get involved in Facebook antics you will only make yourself look bad.

IoraRua · 26/07/2016 22:46

Its flat out rude to be giving cheek and egging on someone when the adult is telling them not to. They were quite right to send him home, probably a good thing that they did. He might learn to respect adults in their own home from it.

IoraRua · 26/07/2016 22:47

I'd be intrigued to know if he ever tried this behaviour in school or at another home. I'd crack down hard on that lack of manners from a child in my class.

maninawomansworld01 · 26/07/2016 23:11

I'd have sent them all home too. Sounds like they need some discipline.

Out of interest, could it just be that this particular combination of boys bring out the worst in each other?
one of my DS's has a friend who is actually pretty badly behaved - it's not his fault but his bloody parents just don't control him. My DS's behaviour is markedly worse after seeing him. To the extent that we've stopped him seeing too much of said friend with a view to (hopefully) letting the friendship fizzle out. (He is a really bad influence on our normally well behaved boy so I feel justified in doing so I'm afraid).

SharonfromEON · 26/07/2016 23:15

I would be mortified if my DS got sent home under these circumstances..

You have sent DS to his room and made him right an apology letter.. However... You seem to be finding a way to excuse your DS's behaviour..

AS for the fb posts about this poor woman..She has had a crap evening trying to control a group of over excited boys ,,I would be clubbing together and buying wine and flowers...

alreadytaken · 27/07/2016 10:36

some of the posts here may be a bit OTT but they are hardly vile. Your son misbehaved quite badly and you are making excuses, which tends to encourage posters to become more extreme. Continue to do this and you may find in the teenage years you have greater problems to worry about.

Previous behaviour at sleepovers is irrelevant. I've had some bad behaviour from over-excited boys before now and not reported it to their parents because they got my telling off at the time - but they get fewer invites in future.

Your son behaved badly, he was sent home and should write a letter of apology and learn from the behaviour. You should also make it clear to the parents that you regret his behaviour.

tofutti · 27/07/2016 10:43

Buggers, other boy was a bouncing a ball in the living room when the Mum told him to give it back several times, DS kept telling him not to.

I realise you have disciplined your DS, but the above is not just 'unruly' behaviour, OP. It's deliberate disobedience at a host's home.

It's completely unacceptable. That is not normal 9 yo behaviour, most 9yos respect adult reprimands.

incywincybitofa · 27/07/2016 10:54

I do feel a bit sorry for the other parents, they took action to bring back control and are now blasted on FB and discussed on MN
I think some of the nicest children can be absolute horrors away from what they perceive to be "authority" figures
I remember a boy who came to play here who made my son look easy to parent, he wouldn't do as he was asked, climbed over all sorts of things that were not for climbing ran out into the street, and ran off on a dog walk. He was constantly egging DS to ignore me and do the same as him.
I did see the play date through, but my only sanction seemed to be threatening to call his mum at work every time I needed him to do something.
Other play dates have worked really well, it was just this one child, to have him and a few others would have had me reaching for the phone at that time of night because three hours in it would have been clear that there would be no sleep that night and to be honest if he had been working them into a frenzy as well then it would have been Bedlam.