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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Year 6 leaving books...is this a bit silly of the school?

44 replies

VioletBam · 26/07/2016 08:00

My DD left last year so I do realise this is not really affecting me...but...it HAS affected my friend whose son has left this year.

The school makes a year book with a page for each year 6 child. The child fills out a questionnaire with things such as

Favourite school trip ever

Best playtime memory

And so forth

And there's a bit that says "Best friends:"

My friend's son listed his 5 best friends and only one of the boys has listed him in THEIR list.

He IS upset about it. He won't stop looking at the book and hasn't wanted to go out to play as he feels his friends don't rate him.

Isn't it a bit blind of the school to do this?

OP posts:
PotteringAlong · 26/07/2016 08:04

No, it's a massive overreaction from your friends son. If he's upset about it put the book away and stop the continual looking at it.

BigTroubleInLittleChina · 26/07/2016 08:44

Yet another way for the school to make money out of parents.

And it's great for the popular kids who are good at everything, but for those who have struggled or been bullied/struggled with friendships,` its yet another poke in the ribs.

I honestly think primary school can really affect the confidence of some children. And the patience of parents.

Sorry for the rant

Original poster
VioletBam · 26/07/2016 08:46

China it's free....there's no charge at all. Pottering Really? You think it's an overreaction that he's upset the boys he thought were his friends don't think he is theirs??

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 26/07/2016 08:48

Aw, I don't think he's over reacting (too much...). That sounds a bit shit Sad

Pauperback · 26/07/2016 08:49

YANBU. I wouldn't say 'silly', more liable to cause exactly this kind of hurt and confusion when friends don't 'match'.

CrotchetQuaverMinim · 26/07/2016 08:53

I'd have been upset as a child, not knowing who to put, never really having a 'best' friend, worrying about what others would think if I listed them, worrying what they'd think if I didn't, worrying who would list me, what if things changed between when I wrote it down and when we got them, what if I got teased for saying someone was my friend when they didn't want it, what if people didn't say so but stil thought I was arrogant for listing someone, or whispered behind my back, what if people thought I was stuck up if I didn't list anyone - self-conscious and embarrassed and overthinking about the whole thing really. I wouldn't have said much but it would have really bothered me inside, for ages. I think it's the sort of question that is really fraught with difficulties for all sorts of reasons, and would be better left off.

So I do understand. Not sure about never seeing the friends if he really is friends with them - that might be cutting off his nose to spite his face - but I do see how it could be a problem for a shy or unpopular or uncertain child.

skatesection · 26/07/2016 08:53

Ahh hamburgers! The school really should have thought this through.

Bright side: your friend's son will learn from this and it will make him stronger. It's no picnic to go through these feelings but he will be more resilient because of it.

TheCountessofFitzdotterel · 26/07/2016 08:55

I would say understandable overreaction.
Put the book away and do something else.
It's like those 'favourite Mumsnetter' threads, they never end well..

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 26/07/2016 08:56

I think it was very thoughtless of the school to have that section, it is so obvious that it would cause lots if upset.

DoItTooJulia · 26/07/2016 09:02

Year 6 is such a mine field for this stuff. Is he going to secondary school with the boys?

I feel for him tbh, an 11 yo is full of hormones and emotions and leaving school is one of the biggest things they've done to date and it must feel like the rugs been pulled out from under him.

But what can be done about it? I don't know. Cuddles and the idea that he'll make new friends at his new school might help? Bless him.

NaughtToThreeSadOnions · 26/07/2016 09:04

I get it I really do and it's not a question I think the school should be encouraging. But the question is best friends not friends it's perfectly possiable to be friends with someone but not best friends. Just because they haven't included him in best friends doesn't mean they aren't his friends.

my god daughter is 10 going on 11, her and her little group of friends have each other's names on the top of their instagrams, (I don't want a debate about the rights and wrongs of them being on Instagram I know the length my friend has gone to with the group of parents to protect their children) any way one of the girls co insistently is the daughter of another friend best friend

redhat · 26/07/2016 09:09

Well if mine are anything to go by, they change their "best friends" regularly anyway. I have noticed that boys seem to have larger groups of friends and move from group to group rather than being very attached to particular children for many years. Mine both have groups of about 8 children that they are friends with and whilst one month one chid is top of their friendship list, another it will be a different child.

I think your friend's DS needs a chat with a parent about how its lovely that he has a big group of friends and so when one is annoying him , he can play with/hang out with another.

SanityClause · 26/07/2016 09:11

IME (3rd DC going through it now) friendships from about 10 til about 13 seem to go through major upheavals.

And it's hard!

Your friend should encourage her DS to make a lot of effort with the one good friend, over the summer, and to look forward to senior school, because there will be lots of potential friends in his year, that he hasn't even met yet.

PrivatePike · 26/07/2016 09:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gottagetmoving · 26/07/2016 09:12

It is another daft things that schools do these days,..like stupid Proms and Sports days that are not allowed to be competitive.

NaughtToThreeSadOnions · 26/07/2016 09:13

Agh posted too soon.
And I noticed she'd taken my god daughters name off, I looked at my god daughters profile and similarly she'd removed the other child's name I asked because they've known each other years "oh aren't you and becca friends any more" to which my god daughters reply was we're friends just not best friends. I know for a fact my god daughter has been out to play with the other child in te summer holidays just because the group of boys are closer to each other boys than your friends son doesn't mean their not friends.

That said I don't think it's an over reaction it's very hurtful to read. And I don't think staring at the book is helping could he be encouraged to meet up with the boy who did reciprocate the best friends?!

NaughtToThreeSadOnions · 26/07/2016 09:17

Because my reply posted too soon and got broken up here it is as a whole I get it I really do and it's not a question I think the school should be encouraging. But the question is best friends not friends it's perfectly possiable to be friends with someone but not best friends. Just because they haven't included him in best friends doesn't mean they aren't his friends.

my god daughter is 10 going on 11, her and her little group of friends have each other's names on the top of their instagrams, (I don't want a debate about the rights and wrongs of them being on Instagram I know the length my friend has gone to with the group of parents to protect their children) any way one of the girls co insistently is the daughter of another friend best friend

And I noticed she'd taken my god daughters name off, I looked at my god daughters profile and similarly she'd removed the other child's name I asked because they've known each other years "oh aren't you and becca friends any more" to which my god daughters reply was we're friends just not best friends. I know for a fact my god daughter has been out to play with the other child in te summer holidays just because the group of boys are closer to each other boys than your friends son doesn't mean their not friends.

That said I don't think it's an over reaction it's very hurtful to read. And I don't think staring at the book is helping could he be encouraged to meet up with the boy who did reciprocate the best friends?

LoreleiGilmoreIsMyBFF · 26/07/2016 09:18

I agree with you, OP - it's not only a bit insensitive, but also unnecessary. When I left primary school (I think Henry VIII was still on the throne), we all brought in little notebooks and had our classmates sign them and leave little messages - I still have mine, and I crack up reading all the 'good luck' notes; we were only moving to secondary school! I think it's another American thing - apparently Year 6 proms are going to be the next big money-spinner. And don't get me started on 'prom-posals'......

Charley50 · 26/07/2016 09:19

I agree it's hurtful and a great way to knock the confidence of the less popular children just before they go into the big wide world of secondary school.

JohnLithgowsLargeForehead · 26/07/2016 09:26

Not an overreaction at all.. I would have hated this as my 'best friends' left me out of the group at that age. It's such a dodgy time for friendships! If they really had to ask then it should have been limited to one best friend.

CaptainCrunch · 26/07/2016 09:28

Yanbu. These yearbooks are great for the "populars" but shite for anyone who doesn't fit in. That said, they're here to stay.

If it's any consolation the exact same happened to my ds only nobody mentioned his name, I was more upset than him but pretended I hadn't noticed.

About 3 weeks into the school holidays he drew glasses, stupid teeth and hilarious speech bubbles on all the photos of the people who had bullied and ridiculed him in his time at primary school, then he set fire to it in our bbq pit. It was very cathartic for him.

He's going into S4 in high school after the holidays, I've barely seen him since he broke up 3 weeks ago because he's got so many friends to see.

Primary school means jack shit in the grand scheme of things op, your friend's ds will soon forget all about it and move on to better things.

LikeIGiveAFrock · 26/07/2016 09:31

Precisely what Charlie said
Poor child

whois · 26/07/2016 09:31

I don't think he is over reacting.

Including 'best friends' is always going to lead to issues like this. How horrible for people who aren't put down on anyone's list :-(

Original poster
VioletBam · 26/07/2016 09:34

Captain your DS sounds fabulous! Grin Glad he's ok now.

OP posts:
ParadiseCity · 26/07/2016 09:35

I agree it is very understandable to be upset about it. At that age friendships are a very public and shifting thing, you're growing apart from your parents and trying to establish a network of your own, which is scary stuff.

I am sure lots of children wrote the names of people sitting by them when they wrote the list/people they thought would be cross if they weren't listed/etc. Not including your friend's son could indicate they are actually confident in their friendship with him and don't NEED to publicly state it. Because they know he is always one of the good guys. Not that it is nice to be taken for granted but I've only ever seen people with lovely souls taken for granted. Sort of a backhanded compliment?