To not want to hold a piece of rubbish?

[Daisygarden]

Went on day out with DH and kids. Baby was ready for milk so DH opens a ready carton (with a lid) and pours it into bottle. Baby happy in pram drinking milk, DH takes the pram but hands me the empty carton. I was looking at the kids whilst DH was doing the milk so I turned round to find DH handing me an empty carton and starting to push the pram off.

I went to tuck the empty carton (lid on) into the pram basket to find a bin for it later. DH swings the pram around so I can't put the carton in the basket and says "Just hold onto it! There's a bin over there!" (there was a bin around 50m away). I said "Well, I'll put it in the bin when we get to it!" DH was annoyed and said "Can't you just hold onto it? It's just a carton". I said "I don't want to hold onto it, I'll put it in the bin when we get there!" DH much annoyed and started grumbling about how I can't hold a carton for two seconds etc. I said it wasn't up to him and if I didn't want to hold it I wouldn't. DH said I was being precious and ridiculous. PS I do the bins, the gardens, all the dirty jobs in the house so I am NOT at all precious about rubbish or mess, DH is actually far more precious than me about not getting his hands dirty.

I felt he was being dictatorial. He felt I should just have hung onto the carton he handed me. This caused bad feeling and a hissing row (yes we were that couple!) on our day out.

WIBU?

Yanbu, it would really piss me off, it goes along the same lines as can you pass me the baby wipes, and while your there can you get me the nappy mat and nappy.... Ta da aren't I great I changed a nappy.

NO one passes me stuff or hold stuff for me

Floggingmolly: It's precisely because I'm not a child that I didn't hold onto the piece of rubbish like a good little girl just because DH said I should.
Surely it's my hands and my choice if I want to hold something or put it in the pram for later? Note: I am not moaning that he gave me rubbish, although I was surprised. It was the fact he then physically stopped me from putting it down that I had the problem with. Not sure how that makes me childish.

Griphook: He actually does the nappy thing you describe from time to time!

Yanbu - I would have shoved it up his nose.

Oh god. Mine did this shit

I used to dread him deciding to 'wash the car' because it was just 'chainsaw, can you get the bucket
Where have you hidden the washing stuff ( where you last put it)
Can you get the sponge
Can you untangle the hose
Can you refill the bucket '

Etc etc all whilst I was trying to do another task like hovering

I got assertive and now walk away, we have a different dynamic, not quite as 'nice' but less one sided, in your scenario with the carton I have actually just let it fall to the floor and stared blankly, shitty and a little childish but as I say less one sided.

Off topic but YABU for not recycling the carton. Definitely sounds like there are some deeper issues here

Exactly Chainsaw! This is the kind of thing I mean by feeling like his assistant (as I said upthread). My DH actually does what you say too - if he does do something I have to be on hand to assist him every step of the way, and if I don't, or I say "I don't know, look in the cupboard" I'm being "unsupportive".

With the carton (straw/camel!) he knows I wouldn't have let it fall to the floor because, littering then would be MY bad, how childish, pick that up (said loudly).

I know I need to be more assertive but when I try (e.g. not accepting I should hold onto carton just because he thought I should) it causes a row, because he doesn't like being challenged at all. He is a world class sulker and very passive aggressive. If I do or something he doesn't like, rather than talk it over he will just snidely get me back, like run the kitchen tap when I'm in the shower. That kind of thing. Something very subtle that makes you sound totally petty for mentioning and that he can insist he knew nothing about.

Sciurus can't recycle everything, although I do try my best!

If I do or something he doesn't like, rather than talk it over he will just snidely get me back, like run the kitchen tap when I'm in the shower. That kind of thing.

That's vindictive. The person who you should be able to rely on for support is trying to bring you down. This stuff will grind you down.

Maybe husband recycling???

If I do or something he doesn't like, rather than talk it over he will just snidely get me back, like run the kitchen tap when I'm in the shower. That kind of thing

Gosh that sounds unbelievably nasty. What a shitty thing to do.

Humphrey he denied it. However I always know by the water pressure in the kitchen tap if DH is in the shower, so I fully expected him to know the same. I'll never know for sure if he did know or not.

I am so sorry that your DH is like that. You SHOULD be able to know for sure that the man you married would never do such a thing

Mine would sulk, and deny it, and I would have to ask 100 times what was wrong, and then eventually it would all be revealed what he was upset about and I would be expected to apologise fulsomely for whatever it was.

I bought a new car, which only I have a licence to drive, with a bonus from my job. I looked for the car, found it, negotiated the price, and bought it outright, with money that I had earned. I also insured it and taxed it of course, will be MOTing it and getting it serviced and did I mention I will be the only person who will ever drive it?

When MIL came over and said "whose car is that?" I said with great joy "Mine!" and exP didn't speak to me for the rest of the day because I hadn't said "ours". He absolutely can't bear any situation where he isn't some sort of top dog over me and the fact that I can drive and he can't is something he bitterly resents me for (and of course benefits from)

After I had DD and was on maternity leave DP and I had to have a discussion about our change in dynamics.

I felt the same as some of the posters here - like I was an assistant. At first I thought DP was lazy and that he'd give me the tasks that he was too good for. Small silly things but can you get me this, grab me that etc he once asked me to tell him the time while he was watching breakfast news with the bloody great big clock on the screen

Once I told him how I felt and reinforced it by pointing out when he did it things greatly improved.

You don't know how they are going to respond to being pulled up on this till you try. I think most men will pull this shit to some extent, from conditioning, and then the question is what happens when you push back. Some will get it, some may need occasional reminders, some bitterly resent being resisted and will punish you for it.

then would be MY bad, how childish, pick that up

been there also! my reply to that is

' what are you, the rubbish police?'

Again utterly childish, again, said with a blank stare. He knows he's being a dick, he is twisting your better nature, your reasonableness, he knows you care about him, about your public persona, about being seen to be sensible and good natured. my approach was to demonstrate over and over I HAVE no better nature, I don't care about what people think think. You want to play twat top trumps, count me right in.

Sad it had to come to that, but I reasoned it was better than being walked over and cheaper than divorce. He is learning. Slowly.

When I was preparing for dc1's first birthday party I rang my parents to ask for a recipe. I felt I had to chat for a while as otherwise it was a bit brutal: "oh hi give me recipe thanks got what I wanted bye". For the little while that we chatted exP looked after dc1 in the garden by himself and he was furious when I got off the phone. In his head I had massively stepped out of line by expecting him to do childcare - by doing something else, for a little while, on Saturday, when neither of us was at work. It was incredibly obvious that he felt that that natural order was that childcare defaulted to me, leisure defaulted to him, and if I wanted to change this for a period, it had to be by arrangement, and it was a favour he could choose to grant or not.

When I think about this, among other things, it is so clear why I felt so desperate and burnt out all the time.

OP - your H doesn't sound very nice, with that tap stunt. What happened when you asked about it?

"better than being walked over and cheaper than divorce. "

Chainsaw, you are so right, these are the alternatives.

I knew P was treating me crappily (though I struggled to see clearly, always, quite how crappily) but I didn't realise that if I didn't coach him to be a better person, the relationship could not survive. The irony is that he has decided to leave, not me - so actually being a doormat isn't what he wanted. He wanted love, tragically, he wanted to be with an interesting loving woman whom he loved. but when you treat a woman like shit she turns into shit, eventually, and that's what he did, and now he doesn't want this piece of shit any more

I suppose mine does have a fundamental good nature though, he was just in a job where he'd always been in charge, and thought somehow that extended to the home.

Alas for him, I've always been in charge too, and I'm combative by nature.

But the shower thing is just fucking shitty OP. I'm not sure if you can work with that mindset.

That reminded me of dh. He almost always did the driving, and if he'd stopped to buy something, he'd just dump it on my lap to take care of (2 seater sports car, back in the day) One day I was driving, we stopped for him to get something, he hopped back in the car, and, as usual, dumped it in my lap. I gave him 'the look'; he moved it.
Time to give your DH 'the look' and remind him he's not the boss of you.

Glad to hear that my DH isn't the only highly intelligent, successful man who cannot do anything at home without hand holding. He embarks on DIY and then gets frustrated, asks my opinion and wants my help. Meanwhile, I generally like to be left alone to potter through things. If something doesn't work, I try something else, etc. I am happier being left alone to figure things out in my own time and space. It's very annoying to be helping children or preparing food and suddenly have a huge man-child in the middle of a tantrum needing "help."

The look only works if some one is paying attention!

It's actually really good to talk about this (speaking personally). Thanks for shining a light on this behaviour OP.

The shower thing I can relate to as well. Not literally, but certainly similar. He will act stupid, pretend to misunderstand or just plain ignore me sometimes to get one up on me. Sometimes he's genuinely nice though!!

Maudlin, Chainsaw, Downton - so glad to know it's not just me!

Maudlin- the shower. If you want to know the whole story . DH wanted to go for a no2. I asked (nicely) if he could use the smaller toilet instead of the bathroom with the shower in it as I was going to be getting in the shower shortly so didn't want the pong.

DH did go to the smaller toilet, grumbling a bit though. I did a few bits and bobs then got in the shower. It ran fine for 30 seconds then the pressure dropped to a dribble. I knew the kitchen tap must be on. I waited for ages (have done this before and after say a minute it comes back on as DH is rinsing something. I've been a bit before but never said anything, seemed a bit petty). Anyway the wait went on and on and on. I got annoyed and came out of the shower, dripping wet, went downstairs and asked DH why he was running the tap when he knew I was in the shower. He was instantly cross about it, said he had no idea I was in the shower. I said he must have known because the kitchen tap runs different when the shower is on. He got more cross. I got really bold and told him it was my opinion he'd run the tap on purpose as payback because I'd asked him to go to a different toilet. He swore he did not know but was very unpleasant about it all and stayed in a fug for the rest of the morning.

I was left wondering if he did or didn't know that the shower was on. Gut instinct said of course he did. The fact he swore he didn't made me doubt it though (he doesn't "swear" anything normally).

Annie - I did say to DH about the carton, you don't get to say what I carry and what I put in the pram. It seemed to make him more annoyed. The look... he would probably say "Why are you looking at me like that? What's your problem?" It would still lead to a squabble...

Ellie huge man-child in the middle of a tantrum. so true!