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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to hold a piece of rubbish?

103 replies

Daisygarden · 25/07/2016 13:09

Went on day out with DH and kids. Baby was ready for milk so DH opens a ready carton (with a lid) and pours it into bottle. Baby happy in pram drinking milk, DH takes the pram but hands me the empty carton. I was looking at the kids whilst DH was doing the milk so I turned round to find DH handing me an empty carton and starting to push the pram off.

I went to tuck the empty carton (lid on) into the pram basket to find a bin for it later. DH swings the pram around so I can't put the carton in the basket and says "Just hold onto it! There's a bin over there!" (there was a bin around 50m away). I said "Well, I'll put it in the bin when we get to it!" DH was annoyed and said "Can't you just hold onto it? It's just a carton". I said "I don't want to hold onto it, I'll put it in the bin when we get there!" DH much annoyed and started grumbling about how I can't hold a carton for two seconds etc. I said it wasn't up to him and if I didn't want to hold it I wouldn't. DH said I was being precious and ridiculous. PS I do the bins, the gardens, all the dirty jobs in the house so I am NOT at all precious about rubbish or mess, DH is actually far more precious than me about not getting his hands dirty.

I felt he was being dictatorial. He felt I should just have hung onto the carton he handed me. This caused bad feeling and a hissing row (yes we were that couple!) on our day out.

WIBU?

OP posts:
EllyMayClampett · 25/07/2016 14:03

Daisy, as a SAHM, who has been at home for 12 years with a lovely, but domineering husband by nature, I would recommend that you get back to work. This will dynamic will only increase, and you will only become more frustrated. Also, the longer you are out of work, the harder it is to go back to anything decent.

From personal experience, and looking around my neighbourhood and listening on mumsnet, it seems to me that SAHMs benefit their children, their partners, sometimes their communities, but don't end up with much to show for it themselves in the end. I am actively job searching myself now.

DangerQuakeRhinoSnake · 25/07/2016 14:09

I understand OP. Similar arguments here about for example, dp taking a different non-obvious route home in the car. I ask why, expecting there to be some reason (any reason) behind it, and usually get told 'because I'm driving' which doesn't really answer the question but oh boy does he get arsey about it when pressed!

I think some men hate having equal relationships and will do anything to try and exert a bit of control. Very childish, and I do feel ridiculous arguing about stuff like that but is either that or get walked all over.

PersianCatLady · 25/07/2016 14:10

Obviously you've not read all of it.
Sorry about that.

I see that the carton issue was the final straw of the problem where your husband expects everything from you every down to the demand that you hold the rubbish. To be honest at first I thought it was ridiculous but now I can see it runs much deeper.

Is they any chance you can sit down with your DH and talk about how you feel or do you think you might benefit from seeking advice from a counsellor?

happypoobum · 25/07/2016 14:12

OP I suggest that when you get home and have more time, you post about what is going on in your relationship in more detail, and post it in Relationships rather than AIBU.

PandasRock · 25/07/2016 14:13

Just trying to get a clearer picture here:

Baby was in buggy, everyone stationary whole milk is sorted out. Who had been pushing buggy up until then? (Sorry, sounds nitpicky, but relevant I think).

Your dh sorted the milk, gave bottle to the baby, then just handed you the rubbish while (?) taking over the pushing of the buggy? As though you are a hanger-on, just waiting around to assist him in whatever menial task he chooses?

does he often do that? Take over the 'bigger' job leaving you with the dirty/lower/more trivial task?

H and I often end up in eerily similar situations, mostly with me left wondering wtf the row is all about, as it could easily have been avoided if H didn't treat me as a personal assistant! Yet somehow he manages to make it look/feel as though I am the unreasonable one for pointing out his unreasonableness, or standing my ground and refusing to do the dogsbody task etc.

MaudlinNamechange · 25/07/2016 14:22

"I think some men hate having equal relationships and will do anything to try and exert a bit of control. Very childish, and I do feel ridiculous arguing about stuff like that but is either that or get walked all over."

This is true. It is ridiculous to have to get drawn into battles about such apparently small things, but what else can you do?

My ex would always disagree with aspects of a plan that I made, even if what he was saying wouldn't actually have a better outcome for him, just to show that he knew better. In my innocence - not trying to be arsey - I would ask him why, and he would be furious.

"I'm going to park at x, which is right next to y".
"No, better park in Morrisons"
"why? It's further and you have to pay a pound, you can get it back but we don't actually need anything so we'd be going into a supermarket with two small children for no reason"
"It's just better, park at Morrisons"
"Why is it better?"
"Why are you being so stupid about this?" [pissed off]

I was a dickhead who was quite literally trying to make the best plan, his agenda was just to make sure that he was the one making the decisions.

He also did the "calling me from another room to support whatever he was doing" thing, because obviously it would be ridiculous to think I might actually be doing something for my own reasons, independently.

He would also try to "resolve" arguments about where we were going by just going there. Then I wouldn't follow, and he wouldn't speak to me for days because I "just left him". No, you were the one that walked off and I just didn't choose to go there, and you knew I didn't want to and had good reason, because I had just told you.

He would also set off walking really fast without knowing where he was going which was infuriating when I did know and he was going the wrong way and if I couldn't run to catch up (toddler, SPD, baby in sling, any number of reasons) I would be pathetically calling after him and panting and struggling, while knowing IT WAS FOR NO REASON AS WE WOULD HAVE TO TURN BACK

Sorry, OP, massive de-rail there.

I know women who would just have looked at the carton with a raised eyebrow and the message would have got across - but they are in relationships where the husband is ready to hear the message. If you haven't got one of those, I don't know what you do.

GarlicStake · 25/07/2016 14:30

Yes, Daisy, he sounds dictatorial. I can see why you were so annoyed/upset and that it's symptomatic of an overall pattern.

I'm assuming you've already tried taking a majorly assertive line? For example, reversing the order of events so you ended up with the pram and him with the carton; asking him to take out the bins & other shit he doesn't do. What happens?

NavyandWhite · 25/07/2016 14:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/07/2016 14:39

It is generally a principle that you do not expect your partner to not only do the task, but do it your way. Every time we get a thread about Dad looking after children it's "do you leave him to it?" or "he does it his way, you do it yours". But a woman handed rubbish by her partner isn't supposed to be annoyed he expected it disposed of the way he [psychically] communicated it should be.

I would have said, "you want it done a certain way? You do it".

WhatWouldHillaryDo · 25/07/2016 14:43

My OH can be like this too. He will decide how something is going to go, and because I am not psychic, he gets annoyed if I decide I don't want to do it the way he thinks it should be done. Goodness me, you should hear the arguments over recycling. He is very passionate about it (which I love) but will insist on picking up other people's rubbish and taking it home to recycle. I find this a bit irritating but wouldn't say anything except usually he expects me to be the rubbish holder and/or find space in my handbag for it. Yuck. But about your situation, it's not a big deal to hold an empty carton for 50 yds, but if you decided you didn't want to, why on Earth does it need to be commented on? Sounds like he was looking for an opportunity to vent.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 25/07/2016 14:57

I remember getting cross about somethingat work that to an outsiderprobably looked petty but was a 'last straw' moment. It actually marked a turning point.

OP insignificant things can become big things. Flowers

emilybrontescorset · 25/07/2016 15:19

Whatwouldhillarydo

My dp suggested we take home a cardboard cup holder recently, we were on our way to the cinema. He asked me to put in in my small handbag which would mean I couldn't fasten it. I refused telling him I didn't want it, he asked again and I said no I don't want it and I'm not carrying it, if you want it then you carry it.

Others is I way I would hold soneone else's grubby waste, your dh should be doing that.
I don't do it for my dc and I'm definately not doing it for an adult.

If the ops dh wanted the rubbish disposing of a certain way then he should have done it .

Original poster
Daisygarden · 25/07/2016 15:47

Thanks all.

He owns his own company and is used to being in charge. I think he's beginning to see me as someone else who he is in charge of too. When I get annoyed about that, he gets annoyed that I am questioning him.

The pram thing, for those asking, it just so happened he was pushing the pram at the time. I had been pushing it previously but we take turns naturally, just depends on who's seeing to the other children or doing something else. It isn't that DH always takes the pram or I do, we've never squabbled over that.

Thanks again all. I guess I just need to try to think about things. Good suggestion from someone looking for a job. I did have a career job before.

But I think it would bug him if I went back to work. I know I'd end up doing everything I do now plus a job. He can't do much more because his job is so demanding. He just doesn't get much sit-around time (nor do I).

Probably we are long overdue a night out together too. It's been a bit of a drudge in recent months with one thing and another. Haven't had a night out together since February.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 25/07/2016 16:33

If he didn't have you at home he would have to do more, or outsource the work. You are making it possible for him not to have to think about household things. He doesn't get to drop in, manage you then drop out.

I think you need to have a neutral time discussion about roles. You are the CEO or ED at home! Not the staff!

PersianCatLady · 25/07/2016 16:38

Probably we are long overdue a night out together too.
Could you perhaps get a babysitter in the next couple of weeks and go out for a nice meal so you can be a couple again as opposed to parents for the night?

DangerQuakeRhinoSnake · 25/07/2016 16:41

^^ DP and I need to do this too.

Original poster
Daisygarden · 25/07/2016 17:12

Mrs Terry- I do make it possible for him to just concentrate on his job. I do that as my part of the deal and I an OK with that. I just don't want to be treated like staff, you are right! Just because his job pays and mine doesn't means he gets the last word on a lot of things. If I went back to work he would have to do a lot more and his business would suffer for sure.

OP posts:
PersianCatLady · 25/07/2016 17:45

^^ DP and I need to do this too.
I think that it is a good thing for all parents to do as often as they are able as couples do often lose sight of their own relationship when kids come along.

Gottagetmoving · 25/07/2016 17:53

Oh for God's sake! You both act like children. Never mind the bigger picture...If it has got to arguing over holding a carton it's time to move on.
If he is bossy and treating you like a PA and you are whining about it instead of asserting yourself then what's the point?

Original poster
Daisygarden · 25/07/2016 18:33

Yes gottagetmoving, great advice to move on, get divorced and have two homes for the children instead of working through an issue which is probably neither insurmountable or non-negotiable. Nice trendy snappy reply though.

OP posts:
whattheseithakasmean · 25/07/2016 18:39

Get a job. If he has to cut his hours to facilitate this, so be it. You both have an equal right to work outside the home.

Gottagetmoving · 25/07/2016 18:57

Yes gottagetmoving, great advice to move on

It wasn't advice.

Gottagetmoving · 25/07/2016 18:58

The advice was assert yourself Hmm

WamBamThankYouMaam · 25/07/2016 19:14

To be honest I don't get it. You say your husband does nothing, but at the time he was pushing the pram and sorted the milk for the baby?

And if the bin was 50m away then it'd irritate me if my husband tried to put the carton away to have to stop and get it out again in 2 minutes.

Floggingmolly · 25/07/2016 19:21

He owns his own company and is used to being in charge Confused
My DH is the boss too; he doesn't try to control everything around him. Most people are capable of leaving their work persona at work.
Having said that, this particular scenario shows you behaving childishly, not him, so what the "in charge" thing is about is a mystery...