To not want to hold a piece of rubbish?

[Daisygarden]

Went on day out with DH and kids. Baby was ready for milk so DH opens a ready carton (with a lid) and pours it into bottle. Baby happy in pram drinking milk, DH takes the pram but hands me the empty carton. I was looking at the kids whilst DH was doing the milk so I turned round to find DH handing me an empty carton and starting to push the pram off.

I went to tuck the empty carton (lid on) into the pram basket to find a bin for it later. DH swings the pram around so I can't put the carton in the basket and says "Just hold onto it! There's a bin over there!" (there was a bin around 50m away). I said "Well, I'll put it in the bin when we get to it!" DH was annoyed and said "Can't you just hold onto it? It's just a carton". I said "I don't want to hold onto it, I'll put it in the bin when we get there!" DH much annoyed and started grumbling about how I can't hold a carton for two seconds etc. I said it wasn't up to him and if I didn't want to hold it I wouldn't. DH said I was being precious and ridiculous. PS I do the bins, the gardens, all the dirty jobs in the house so I am NOT at all precious about rubbish or mess, DH is actually far more precious than me about not getting his hands dirty.

I felt he was being dictatorial. He felt I should just have hung onto the carton he handed me. This caused bad feeling and a hissing row (yes we were that couple!) on our day out.

WIBU?

That would annoy me too. I dont like being told what to do unless there is a reason behind it. My DP just wanting me to do what he said just for the sake of it would annoy me. But i agree it sounds like theres deeper stuff going on here and thats why youre fighting. Can you get a babysitter so you can spend some time alone together or something? Where you could both have a chat about how youre feeling and whats going on? xx

Is this the first time something like this has happened? It's too small of an issue to get worked up about. Have there been other situations you have felt like this?

If this is the first time, yabu and ridiculous

Why did you DH pass you the rubbish? He's complaining you can't hold a carton for a minute, well why couldn't he? It does seem petty that he wouldn't let you put it in the basket. This is a minor issue but I think there are other issues underlying it.

*your

laurz no, it's not about a carton.

As a SAHM I pick up all the household stuff, everything, all the laundry, meals, bins, garden, pets, cleaning, tip runs, like everything but that's our division of labour. Fine with that. Just seemed disrespectful to shove what is rubbish at me and walk off. If he'd have said "Here, can you pop that in the bin" or even "Can you hold this" I wouldn't have really thought twice. I guess I worry that DH respects me less these days.

Is this for real?

Are you maybe feeling a bit disenfranchised and projecting that onto this situation? Swinging the pram away from you was irritating though, it's your pram too you're entitled to cart rubbish around on it if you want to! Sounds like you both just had conflicting ideas on the best/easiest thing to do.

Hedgehog that's the thing - I did feel that DH wanted me to do it just because he said so.

Damsel I know it looks like I was being petty but I didn't say a thing when he handed me the rubbish, I was a bit surprised but I just went to tuck it into the basket - no fuss, no problem. I hadn't seen any bin nearby. It was DH turned it into a row by refusing to let me put it in the basket and insisting I held it and simultaneously getting cross that I didn't want to.

Yes persiancatlady. Obviously you've not read all of it.

I think you've given this way too much thought. People get cross at each other, you both sound like you were tantrum img because you didn't get your own way.

Sounds like there must be something else going on if you're reading so much into this because honestly it sounds like a sketch...

This seems like another case of mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

Hope you manage to sort out the underlying issues OP

He does quite a few things that look innocent enough but make me feel like a PA or an assistant not an equal.

That's why it's not about the carton, people who think it is!

I wouldn't want an open milk carton in the pram tbh and since DH was pushing the pram you should have just kept a hold of it. Ridiculous argument though.

Lost it's power struggles. I don't start them but I do want to stand up for myself. Otherwise it is going to become the norm that I pick up after all the family and DH as a matter of course like a walking, um, bin!

eight it had a fitted close lid. It wasn't open. Only ridiculous because DH didn't put it in the pram as far as I'm concerned. Since when am I good for holding rubbish (that doesn't leak or spill) instead of the pram?

Sounds like my relationship. You argue about the most pathetic things and then wonder 'how has this become my life?'

I get you op.

There were times when my ex ( and yes he is ex for a reason) would do similar things.

All seemed like insignificant things to the outside eye.

For example I did the vast majority of the housework and childcare plus I worked as well.
If ever dh was doing something domestic say bringing in the washing whilst I might be putting the shopping away, he would ask me to fetch him the laundry basket, thus ensuring I was still doing the laundry if that makes sense.

Or if he had said I could have a one off lie in, he wouldn't feed the dc so the minute I got up, they would ask me for food.

shots good article. That guy seems completely unaware of his actions though. I sometimes worry that my DH does things aware that it could come across as disrespecful or just wanting to see how malleable I am. That's why he got cross when I (dared???) put it in the pram.

I think you do start the power struggles. Often I may pass dh something without saying anything.

I am think distracted with keeping my an eye on the kids and everything else that's going on. He would do the same to me.

Why do you think it's a power game that he is starting?

emily exactly right! Thank you! It's like always pushing it that little bit extra? I know it looks insignificant, but why was it so important to him that it didn't go in the basket? There was no leaking and even if there was, folks, I would have been the one scrubbing down the buggy afterwards, not DH!!!

Got to go out now but thanks for helpful replies.

I don't think that it's ridiculous.

He held out the rubbish for Op to sort out & then when she tried to sort it out by putting it in the pram basket the ignorant git prevented her from doing so.

When someone did this to me I walked away from the twat & the relationship.

Does he make you feel something or can you take responsibility for your own feelings?

You can:

• Adjust the division of labour to stop feeling resentful
• Talk to him about your feelings and give concrete solutions that will make you feel less undervalued

Or you can just passive aggressively erupt over minutiae for the rest of your (likely short) marriage.

Does he form for pigeon-holing you as the dogsbody?

YANBU, I would have been annoyed too and stood up for myself.

I think it sounds far more deep rooted than a bit of rubbish.
Does he not do anything around the home?
Even though you are a sahm he should be doing his fair share.
Why doesn't he garden, do the tip run, decorate, maintenance.
Does he do anything domestic?
You are not the default litter carrier or PA to him, get him told.