Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Date offended me.

112 replies

MySordidCakeSecret · 25/07/2016 08:10

Bit of backstory: I've lost a huge amount of weight in the last year and a bit, over 4 stone since having my second child.

Fast forward to yesterday, i'm on the 5th date with this guy i like a lot. We were by a lake looking at the fish and talking about fishing. He said that the largest (some type of fish) caught was 110pound, about the same weight as me he said. This is how the conversation followed.

"wow. You know my weight?"
He did a visual appraisal/looked me up and down.
"Yeah I'd say you were about 110, 10-10 1/2 stone."
I raise my eyebrows in surprise.
"11? 11 1/2?! he continues.
"Try 9 stone." I said, actually just dropped below the past 2 mornings.
"Really? You must be light boned." He looks genuinely shocked.
"That's what the scales say, unless they're dodgy."
He genuinely made a noise of agreement?!

I'm quite upset really.. i was feeling really low in confidence and self conscious yesterday anyway. I know he probably just suffers from foot in mouth syndrome but i can't help feeling sad about his comments.

OP posts:
Jinxxx · 25/07/2016 10:42

I think the light bones comment illustrates that when you find yourself in a hole you should stop digging.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 25/07/2016 10:44

I agree with Sweetpea, slaughtering animals is just viewed as a job, it doesn't mean you get satisfaction from killing or violence, or that you're a 'certain type of person.'

You've only had a few dates. I think he sounds a bit socially inept that's all. He compared you to a large fish, just laugh that off and don't overanalyse it.
I would advise seeing how it goes and trusting your own instincts. If you're prone to anxiety try to not dwell on small details or take everything very personally.
Also try not to be constantly seeking assurance from him that he likes you/finds you attractive, just trust that he does because he wants to spend time with you.

WorraLiberty · 25/07/2016 10:47

I think the light bones comment illustrates that when you find yourself in a hole you should stop digging.

Perhaps he should swap the axe for a shovel Grin

Original poster
MySordidCakeSecret · 25/07/2016 10:48

I would advise seeing how it goes and trusting your own instincts. If you're prone to anxiety try to not dwell on small details or take everything very personally.
Also try not to be constantly seeking assurance from him that he likes you/finds you attractive, just trust that he does because he wants to spend time with you.

Thank you for the advice, i had to ring samaritans last night because i was so upset about the anxiety. It's due to hangups from my previous relationship. I will try to take it on board and remember that.

OP posts:
Xenophile · 25/07/2016 10:54

You don't have to continue to see a man who has given you cause for enough concern that you have called Samaritans and posted here about the issue. You don't have to see a man again ever if you choose not to.

If he has upset you this much after 5 dates, then you should probably have a serious think about whether this relationship has a future. How does he talk about previous relationships? If all break ups have been because the women involved were in some way evil, that's as much of a red flag as a man carrying an axe about in his vehicle is.

If you have hang-ups from previous relationships, you might want to consider the Freedom Program which will help you to be able to spot and react accordingly to red flags, and to see the difference between red flags for future shitty behaviour and a man who is just a bit of w twat sometimes.

You owe no one your time or affection.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 25/07/2016 10:55

Oh you poor thing. I hope you're feeling a bit calmer today.Flowers
If you feel up to it, maybe you could find a time to tell your new partner that you sometimes suffer with anxiety? It would explain why you occasionally push him away or are a bit tense and hopefully he'd appreciate your honesty and understand.
Of course, if you think he's not the person for you then that alright too.

toadgirl · 25/07/2016 11:02

This all sounds too much like hard work, OP.

I used to be a people-pleaser, but now if something made me uncomfortable, I'd just end it.

Even if the guy is a bit foot-in-mouth and didn't come across as he'd meant to, bear in mind that there would be a lot more of that in your future. Is that what you want?

Going a bit off on a tangent, but still on boyfriends and weight, I had an abusive jealous boyfriend telling me I was getting fat once. I was 5ft 10.5" and weighed under 10 stone.

MaudlinNamechange · 25/07/2016 11:12

he sounds annoying because a. estimating things you know nothing about with fake knowingness is a top Annoying Male Trait and b. analysing your body like that is not ok, you're not a carcass up for appraising and judging.

I realised how many aggressively I-Must-Always-Be-Right-And-When-I-am-Wrong-I-have-to-Be-Incredibly-Sensitively-Corrected men I have been around lately (boss and exP) when I had this conversation with my dad the other day:

Me: I think you need to turn left to get to the station.
Dad: Are you sure? I think it's right.
Me: Would you like to look at the map on my phone? Maybe I'm wrong.
Dad: Why do you think it's left?
Me: um... because I came from the station. I walked from it and that's where it is. (braces self for argument)
Dad:'ha ha ha ha well that's where it is then! OK , it's left

GreenGlassLove · 25/07/2016 12:13

Just picture the scene though, he asks you out again and says he's going to take you somewhere nice. So you get dressed up all pretty and he takes you out to a beautiful lake. The sun's setting and there's no one around, so he takes your hand and you get in a rowing boat and row out into the middle of the lake, under the beautiful stars. And then he takes your hand in both of his and says "Sordid, I'm sorry for what I said about your weight. I know it was rude, and I didn't mean it that way. Sometimes I just start talking and I can't seem to shut my mouth, and the thing is that you make me crazy, I can't think straight when I'm around you because you're kind, and charming, and the most beautiful woman I've ever met." (American southern accent optional)
Then you'll laugh, slap him gently and say "Sordid's date, you're flattering me!" but he'll cup your cheek and say "no, I'm not. And I... I know it hasn't been that long but I think I'm in love with you Sordid." And then he'll get on one knee and reach behind him for something and you won't be able to take your eyes off him until you hear the cacophonous screech of metal on metal despite the fact that there's clearly no metal around and his face morphs into a maniacal grin as your eyes are blinded by the silver moonlight on the shining blade of the axe!
...On second thoughts, perhaps dinner and a film?

heron98 · 25/07/2016 12:16

I really don't see why you're offended.

It was an offhand comment, he clearly isn't very good at judging weights. If he's otherwise a nice guy I'd let it go.

Original poster
MySordidCakeSecret · 25/07/2016 12:28

wow greenglass.. that story was beautiful but also terrifying.. you really set the scene though! He has asked to see me again and i've agreed atm but i think it will be make or break.

OP posts:
Ineedmorelemonpledge · 25/07/2016 12:38

Rather than leave the bastard I'm surprised no ones told you to knock him over the head with a rock and throw him back in the sea OP....

Are you going to wait it out until you can make a penis length comment about sardines being 3 inches....?

GreenGlassLove · 25/07/2016 12:43

Thank you Smile
Perhaps you can have someone call you after an hour to see how it's going. And wear your best chain mail, just in case Wink

thinkingthingsover · 25/07/2016 12:44

I'd be bothered by his 'warning' you he can be 'blunt'. This sounds like a controlling thing; it's basically like saying 'I've told you I'll be rude to you, so if you stick with me and I'm rude to you, it's your responsibility." The rudeness, axe, slaughterhouse and the fact he makes you feel bad are all valid reasons to reconsider. I see you're giving him another chance, but please be wary of making allowances for a man at this early stage; relationships that begin with warnings rarely go well in my experience.

GreenGlassLove · 25/07/2016 12:46

Ineed Grin

AdjustableWench · 25/07/2016 13:45

Oh I couldn't be with a man who mentally weighs women AND is rubbish at maths.

This. AND keeps an axe in the car to deter burglars.

Also, how does an axe in the car deter burglars? Is he only worried about car thieves? Or would he walk past a burglar in his house, out to the car to grab the axe, and then back into the house to deter the burglar?

Frankly I would struggle to date someone who kept a weapon handy. I would worry that violence was on his mind a little too much.

MermaidTears · 25/07/2016 13:58

134 lbs is 9st 8lbs... so 110 is definitely not 9 stone. Maybe your both confused Wink

Huldra · 25/07/2016 14:13

It would be the more useless deterrent for car theft.

Car owner - Dear car burglar, would you mind awfully stopping what you're doing. That is my car Sir.
Car Burglar - Try and stop me.

Burglar picks up axe and chases the owner down the street.

Shakirawannabe · 25/07/2016 14:29

*He said that the largest (some type of fish) caught was 110pound, about the same weight as me he said. This is how the conversation followed.

"wow. You know my weight?"
He did a visual appraisal/looked me up and down.*

Wait
Wasn't it op who said you know my weight after he said the fish was 110 pounds?
So op is saying she's 110 pounds but 9 stone?

No wonder the guy was confused

SteviebunsBottrittrundle · 25/07/2016 14:35

He said that the largest (some type of fish) caught was 110pound, about the same weight as me he said

No, he said 110lbs was about the same as the OP I think^^.

Shakirawannabe · 25/07/2016 14:39

Yes stevie, that's what I mean, he was calling op 110 pounds and op said wow you know my weight so in fact to a guy he took that as op was confirming she is 110 pounds.

I think he meant it as a compliment but got confused.
Give him another date and if you don't feel it move on..Wine

SteviebunsBottrittrundle · 25/07/2016 14:48

Ah yeah he could have taken that as confirmation couldn't he? Good point; maths skills possibly not so bad then he's just rude and carries an axe about the place Grin.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 25/07/2016 14:48

Sorry but I think it was a throwaway comment and you waded in far too heavily about it. And phoned samaritans over it? It's only a first date I think you need to address your personal issues before trying another relationship. Sorry. Not meaning to be harsh.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 25/07/2016 14:49

If you're phoning samaritans after date 1 and are worried he's an axe murderer I feel it's not meant to be

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 25/07/2016 14:58

Don't bother with the 6th date

The guy is a complete weirdo, do yourself a favour and walk away

No sane person keeps an axe in the back of a car to deter burglars.

Someone who admits their 'being blunt' has caused issues in the past has very limited social awareness and NO inclination to change.

He will continue to baffle & hurt you
Just
Walk
Away