to not want them to marry

[nothingisnothing]

edit before posting: Grab a cuppa, its a bit lengthy sorry!

DF phoned this evening to tell me he's getting married.
He's obviously not thought it through as it was a spur of the moment proposal - no ring, question popped in the kitchen and certainly no word to my DS or I beforehand (he does usually talk to us about what he's thinking of doing).
Bit of background : DM passed away 10 years ago after a 12 month battle with cancer. They had been married for 28 years.
8 months later, DF met his GF through an online date site, and after 12 months of dating (travelling 2hours drive each way every weekend and him doing all the leg work) moved her and her late teen Dd in with him.
Non of our family have ever been that sure of her genuineness and have never thought they were a "match".
We are a pretty typical hardworking British family, she is from a completely different country and culture, deeply religious (DF always opposed religion saying believers were brainwashed) and still to this day have nothing much in common.
Her work life was pretty sporadic for the first few years and any wage earned, minus what she needed to get by, was sent back to her family in her home country. Df supported her financially when she didn't work, took her on holidays abroad, bought her a car and other things (DF was well known for being tight with the cash before all this. It was 25 years before he ever paid to take DM on holiday)
She has been continuously employed for the last few years but the work she has always chosen has been a live in 2week on - 2week off type so she spends about 6 month of the year with DF.
Now, don't get me wrong, she seems a lovely person when I go round to visit. There is just something not quite right. She doesn't make any effort with our family nor with DF for that matter. He treats her like the queen and I don't see or hear of anything that she does for him. Not even cooking. Go on her fb and there's nothing, not 1 picture or mention of DF. I've even tagged her in family photos and she doesn't allow them to show. There's something definitely dodgy about it all.
So, just from that little bit of background, I'm sure you can see why I think my DF is being very foolish. What makes me angry about it (and I know this sounds greedy of me) Is my parents worked long and hard all their life to get the life they wanted. DM always said that if anything happened to them, then the house was to be shared between me and DS. The mortgage on the house was paid up 5 years before DM died, and all I can think is that if they marry, and when DF's time is up, she will get it along with everything else regardless of the fact that she hasn't brought anything into the relationship in all this time.
I don't think ibu, wwyd?
Sorry its been a long one but I think the background was needed for a better picture.

Shesparkles- how big of you allowing your dad companionship. If he ever chose to get married it would be none of your fucking business. He is an adult and I bet it would be wonderful for him to find love again and celebrate it however he sees fit- not how you see fit.

I'm not a racist I'm a realist touch of the Katie Hopkins there.

we were all a bit hmm about it, given the country/culture she's from and its reputation of targeting vulnerable widows/widowers

What country is that then? Are you talking about Russia? Nigeria? Not racist/xenophobic, my butt. That's clearly a huge part of your problem and you mentioned straight away that she was from another country/culture while you were a hard-working indigenous English family. If she was such a gold-digging tramp, would she not have pressured your dad to marry her sooner. I mean in the time they have been together, she could have fleeced at least 5 other widowers.

I hope they have a very happy marriage.

I'm not a racist I'm a realist touch of the Katie Hopkins there

Exactly. Katie claims she is just 'telling it like it is' so that excuses blatant racism like admitting to playing 'spot the terrorist' at the airport (apparently points given for rucksack, sandals, beard etc). I do wonder how her poor children will turn out growing up with an openly racist mum.

Is he happy? This isn't mentioned...

I think your dad already has the measure of the situation, which is why he didn't discuss it with you.

I very much doubt he hasn't picked up on your attitude over the last ten years.

Also to the poster who said you should ask him what being married will change/benefit. FFS that's his business! He doesn't have to justify his decision to anyone!!!!

He's going to have his concerns confirmed if you go in with that attitude.

Also think that its a shame that people jump to racism. I'm not racist. I'm a realist

Nobody jumped to anything, its riddled throughout your posts. You ARE racist. And a grabby, nasty, intefering wagon as well.

I totally get you. My DF is engaged to a bit of a gold digger - never like her, found her a bit 'off' and slightly fake/ disingenuous. But my dad is happy and so I put up and shut up.

When he met his gf, we were all a bit hmm about it, given the country/culture she's from and its reputation of targeting vulnerable widows/widowers.

Maybe not racism persay but definitely a lot of xenophobic behaviour from the OP flying around.

He's been with his partner for ten years, he has hardly rushed into it, if it was six months into their relationship then maybe you would have a point but it's been ten years.

I find it bonkers that a child would want to be consulted before their parent decides to ask someone to marry them, and as for the "he wanted to move into rented accommodation" maybe he was just thrashing ideas about, my mums done it 101 times and still living in her house.

Let him get on with his life he obviously loves this woman, what they have must work for them and being happy is the only thing that matters.

If my mum is lucky enough to meet someone new after my dads sudden death two years ago who is kind and loving then honestly I will just be so happy she has found someone to spend the rest of her life with, I couldn't give a damm if there is any money left over I just want her to be happy. This woman is kind to you, she dotes on your child - maybe she is just a nice person and your dad can see that.

Yep - that would be my question to the OP. So, is your father happy? If so then nothing else is important. In fact everything about your posts points to, despite what you have stated, you not thinking your father's partner is a suitable replacement for your late DM. The fact of the matter is that his relationship is none of your business unless he is unhappy and asks for your advice and assistance.

Having rtft I think you have issues with him finding a new partner too quickly (for you) after your DM passed away. Your suppressed anger at your DF (including for his past stinginess) has been redirected at his partner.

Also, given the differences between her and your DM, she doesn't fit your image of what a new partner for your DF should be like.

It's not your inheritance - it's his money for him to do as he wishes with.

So he didn't take your mum on holiday until they had been together for 25 years?

I hope this lady rinses him for the lot!

He treats her like the queen

Some women seems to inspire this in men. Good for her. It beats being a drudge.

There is really nothing you can do, OP. Even if you were right about everything you say about this woman, there is nothing that will change your DF's mind.

Wouldn't it be better just to love and accept your DF's choices? If your disapproval is too apparent, if could cause a rift between you both. Surely nothing is worth that?

For all you know, your DF has/is suppressing feelings he has about some of your choices which is has not voiced for the sake of harmony

Perhaps you'd feel a little differently if you sought some counselling about this and your feelings about your mother. It must have been hard for you and maybe you haven't processed it all properly yet.

wow I think you are right her dad was a stingy git and now the op is angry at this woman not her dad .

Surely women aren't still be taken on holiday though? Especially as the OP's mother worked. I would imagine it was a mutual decision.

Splitting things 50/50 after 25 years of marriage? Sounds like hell to me.

Oh this all sounds so awful. Can you imagine if your dad read all this, what would he think?

Although, given he seems not to really include you in his decisions at all, I suspect he knows exactly what you are like.

If he is happy, and not suffering from some kind of mental illness which might affect his judgement, it's time you butted out and let him be happy. When he does go, I wouldn't have thought your lasting thought will be "so glad I spent so many years brooding about my inheritance"

And yes, the casual racism is astounding. If her culture had nothing to do with it, you wouldn't have mentioned it several times. You wonder if people complain about folks claiming benefits having not paid anything in. Frankly, I don't give a crap, the system is there to be used, as long as folk abide by the rules, their history has nothing to do with me. It is entirely possible her culture does affect how she interacts with people, perhaps if you took time to understand it rather than lazy daily mail stereotypes, you'd see in her what your father does. But of course, it doesn't really matter if you like her or not, it's all about the money.

Maybe the Op dad wouldnt put his hand in his pocket to help pay for a mutual holiday and his wife op wanted to go on holiday with her husband and he was to stingy with time and money to go.

Sounds like the OP would be unhappy about this relationship no matter what the dad's girlfriend's ethnicity was.

nerrsnerr wind your neck in, I'm not justifying myself to someone with your attitude 🙄

The OP suspects GF is not genuine and gives instances and reasons. If DF's partner had come across as genuine and yet was from a different culture would OP still feel DF was making a fool of himself?

I think she would have the answer to her question if she could sort that out in her own mind.

I get that it's uncomfortable watching a parent fall in love with someone 'new' and there are lots of practical issues with relation to inheritance with combined and step families but surely more important than the odd tea set and ornaments is that your dad is happy in his later years. The arrangement between your dad and his partner is nobody's business. Even if it was a purely sexual arrangement between them, if that's what they agree as consenting adults then that's their choice. I think the gf would have to really like your father to stick with him for a decade, no amount of money could make up for a miserable relationship in a semi detached (or equally as small abode)

Be happy for your father, he is clearly happy and that has to be the most important thing.

If you are or are not BU depends a lot on what you would consider acceptable alternatives to the situation:

1. That your dad should have remained single for the rest of his life after your mother passed away - YABU
2. That your father should have only got involved with someone you deem suitable, culturally or otherwise - YABU
3. That your father can, if he wishes, live with this woman as husband and wife but she should be denied any claim to the marital home or assets - YABU

As these options seem to be all you would accept I think YAVU. I also think it's a bit childish to ask people if they think YABU then get all bent out of shape when some tell you they think you are. Don't ask for feedback if you can't take the good with the bad.

Bottom line, he is an adult and free to do what he likes. You can either accept that and be happy for him or continue to be embittered and risk losing him altogether. I love my kids deeply but I simply would not tolerate them trying to dictate to me what relationships I might have if my lovely wife ever dies. It is none of their business.