to not want them to marry

[nothingisnothing]

edit before posting: Grab a cuppa, its a bit lengthy sorry!

DF phoned this evening to tell me he's getting married.
He's obviously not thought it through as it was a spur of the moment proposal - no ring, question popped in the kitchen and certainly no word to my DS or I beforehand (he does usually talk to us about what he's thinking of doing).
Bit of background : DM passed away 10 years ago after a 12 month battle with cancer. They had been married for 28 years.
8 months later, DF met his GF through an online date site, and after 12 months of dating (travelling 2hours drive each way every weekend and him doing all the leg work) moved her and her late teen Dd in with him.
Non of our family have ever been that sure of her genuineness and have never thought they were a "match".
We are a pretty typical hardworking British family, she is from a completely different country and culture, deeply religious (DF always opposed religion saying believers were brainwashed) and still to this day have nothing much in common.
Her work life was pretty sporadic for the first few years and any wage earned, minus what she needed to get by, was sent back to her family in her home country. Df supported her financially when she didn't work, took her on holidays abroad, bought her a car and other things (DF was well known for being tight with the cash before all this. It was 25 years before he ever paid to take DM on holiday)
She has been continuously employed for the last few years but the work she has always chosen has been a live in 2week on - 2week off type so she spends about 6 month of the year with DF.
Now, don't get me wrong, she seems a lovely person when I go round to visit. There is just something not quite right. She doesn't make any effort with our family nor with DF for that matter. He treats her like the queen and I don't see or hear of anything that she does for him. Not even cooking. Go on her fb and there's nothing, not 1 picture or mention of DF. I've even tagged her in family photos and she doesn't allow them to show. There's something definitely dodgy about it all.
So, just from that little bit of background, I'm sure you can see why I think my DF is being very foolish. What makes me angry about it (and I know this sounds greedy of me) Is my parents worked long and hard all their life to get the life they wanted. DM always said that if anything happened to them, then the house was to be shared between me and DS. The mortgage on the house was paid up 5 years before DM died, and all I can think is that if they marry, and when DF's time is up, she will get it along with everything else regardless of the fact that she hasn't brought anything into the relationship in all this time.
I don't think ibu, wwyd?
Sorry its been a long one but I think the background was needed for a better picture.

People that rely on inheritances are bloody idiots.
When DH parents slip off this moral coil in theory he will get almost half a million. We have made no plans whatsoever. My mate has an incredibly wealthy great uncle and he has spent his entire life waiting for his share. I hope the old goat lives till he's at least a hundred. He took a shine to me at my mates wedding and I joked how maybe I could marry him , my mate was horrified he is in his early eighties and as I was only 45 at the time he thought I was a hot young thing.

My mum remarried -also to a man she met on a dating site - after my dad died. If I'm honest, it made me a bit sad and I'm not 100% sold on her husband, but they are very happy together. I think you just need to grit your teeth and smile, tbh.

In terms of inheritance, my mum's husband moved into our family home, and while I have no idea about other "assets" I do know her will states that her DH will have lifetime residency if she died first, then the property would revert to me and my siblings.

An example of how dad doesn't think things through and also how I'm not just about the money....
Earlier this year, dad said he was thinking of selling the house and moving into rented accommodation. His thinking was that a smaller house would be better for when he reaches old age and his utility bills would be smaller.
We talked and realised that his bills in his current home aren't that expensive and would probably be the same in a flat but the amount he would receive from the sale of his house would amount to around 15 years of rent on a council flat at the current rate in our area. What would he do if he got so ill that we as a family couldn't care for him? I intend to look after him as much as I can, need be, but what if it came to the crunch and he needed to go into care? where would the £ to pay for it come from?
He agreed that it would be better to sell the house to buy a smaller one then he would still have something to use as payment for his care if he ever needed it.

bettyswollok
It's not about the inheritance, I couldn't care less if he spent the whole lot on himself.....I do care about the fact that my mum worked her arse off her whole life and that woman is reaping the benefits....that's what I care about

That's how I feel, thankyou

All this boils down to is you being worried about loosing out financially when your dad dies. If you're that worried just remind him that if he remarries then his old will becomes null and void and he'll need to make another one. What's the big deal?

Just one more thing:

To me it doesn't matter who she is, what ethnicity, background or whatever.

and

we were all a bit hmm about it, given the country/culture she's from and its reputation of targeting vulnerable ... widowers.

don't add up.

Im sorry you feel like she /they are disrespecting your mum but what do you want your father to do? This woman doesnt do things like your mum did she works away from home etc doesnt make her a bad person

YANBU
This probably won't be a popular opinion on mm but here goes...
I'm presuming that when your mum died, her possessions went to your dad. If your dad marries and predeceases wife no 2, then unless he makes a very specific will, but just passes everything to wife no2, then her estate would pass to her dd, who is not a blood relative of your family and the blood family receives nothing.
Does your dad think that's what your mum would have wanted! All that she's worked for, be that cash or a trinket with no monetary value, to pass to someone she doesn't know?
I think you need to have that conversation with your dad

You know what OP, you are probably right.
It's not unheard of for women from Any culture ( although I suppose it's more prevalent in poorer countries)to see older vulnerable men as meal tickets but in their own way these women are being taken advantage of as well
This woman may be lovely or she may be a Money grabbing evil witch but either way there is naff all you can do about it so forget any inheritance and see it as a nice surprise if you get anything at all.

Have you noticed that no one is ever racist, it's always someone else/not how I meant it. Or its the 'you are playing the race card'

You have made some pretty shocking racist statements that generalise a whole nation of people. I'm surprised you can't see that.

Laiste
we were all a bit hmm about it, given the country/culture she's from and its reputation of targeting vulnerable ... widowers - meaning these were our initial thoughts at the beginning of the relationship. Before I had even met her. Its well known that this happens.
Where dads head was at the time I could see him even falling for one of the scams where the relationship takes place via emails and phone calls with a promise of getting a flight over but "i need £ for tickets" then more £ is needed for visas then a call for help as passport control wont let me through unless I pay £XXX can you wire it to me.. before long "victims are thousands of pounds out of pocket and sometimes end up in debt themselves because of a fictious relationship.
Yes She was already here in the uk but there are loads of scams out there and some very clever malicious people.

To me it doesn't matter who she is, what ethnicity, background or whatever
This is how I feel with the relationship now.

given the country/culture she's from and its reputation of targeting vulnerable widows/widowers. And her actions from day one haven't helped us to be able to shake off out doubts about whether she's genuine or not

And you wonder why she doesn't bother with you? Maybe its the casual racism and the way you are all constantly judging her?

Its not as if she is some waitress your dad met abroad and she is after his cash they have been together 10 years did she live here with her Dd before they met what do you know about previous relationship .

I think you should discuss the financial side of things with your dad as has been said upthread if he dies & there is no stipulation in his will about you then his new wife will get everything.
Myself & DH have it written into our wills so that each half is protected for the DC for this very reason.

So the scam worry is surely not a problem anymore as she does exist and has been with him 10 years? Also it seems like your DF is quite capable of sorting his own life. Old people can still have a life/ make sensible decisions without their DC automatically thinking they're being naive and falling for a con woman. They may be less cautious but I don't think that includes your DF.

I agree with SheSparkles and Seminormal. I work my arse off for my family - that is my DH and our children. As a result we have a lovely home which will be worth a fair amount when the mortgage is paid off.

Should I then die, of course I want DH to be happy and find another companion. But I sure as hell don't want any of the proceeds of my hard work and sacrifices to go to her children over mine. So our family home is tied up in trust for the boys and them alone. DH can have companionship and a home here as long as he likes but if I die first, he can't leave anything to anyone other then our own children. Likewise if he dies first and I remarry - new partners kids can live here but I can't sell up and move easily because the money from the sale would then belong to my boys.

OP - you need to talk to your father. Tell him you're happy for him and that you're pleased he's found another long term partner and you're thrilled about the wedding - but that you are concerned it will invalidate his current will and there are items of your mother's that you would be sad not to be able to pass on to her granddaughter.

I dont think he is that elderly as Nan is still around

My DH proposed to me on the spur of the moment without a ring or without running it by anyone else beforehand and we'd not been together nearly a decade, but I promise you, he'd thought it through.

Of course you don't want to see your DF get hurt but he's no longer in a fog of grief so why do you not trust his judgment?

If he wants you to inherit then he will make the appropriate arrangements.

HIC I do get what you mean to protect your DC share but that sounds a bit restrictive for your DH. If I were left on my own and my DC moved out as they got older I'd be forced to live in an enormous and expensive 5 bed house on my own. There must be a middle ground.

shesparkles
Thank you. That is exactly what happened regarding her possessions and how she would want things to be.
Its not that i'm sat waiting and rubbing my hands together in anticipation of this inheritance.
If there is any thing - no matter how big or small - left behind. it should be passed down. He has plenty of cash in the bank to leave provisions for her.
If this was all the other way around and we were talking about her (if she has one) estate, I would be saying the same thing. It wouldn't be right for it to be passed down our blood line, it should go to hers.

How many of you get irate at people taking out of the uk benefits pot having never paid in? (will this open another can of worms lol)

I'm going to go and see him tonight and talk over my worries with him.

Also think that its a shame that people jump to racism.
I'm not racist. I'm a realist.

Your dad is free to do as he pleases so I think you need to separate the issues here.
He want to marry someone you aren't 100% comfortable about. Lots of parents watch their dc marry someone they aren't sure aboit, for good or spurious reasons. The advice there is usually not to cause a rift because if you are right, they'll need you.
If he is naive and doesn't realise marriage affects any existing will then approach this from a sentimental angle. Don't start with money because it sounds grabby and gives her the moral high ground. Are there ornaments, jewellery, photos, that sort of thing that could be protected legally for you? That might at least make him think? If say there's a clock that has always been in your family home that you love, explaining to your dad that in the event of his death you would like it to keep as a memento sounds reasonable.

I'm not racist. I'm a realist.

You might want to ask your dad how he thinks being married will change things in their relationship...don't get me wrong, I believe in marriage, but I'm presuming that there aren't any visa issues that marriage will solve, they don't have children together and she's working so can support herself. Just go gently, the last thing you want to happen is to fall out with him.
My dad is elderly and widowed, and in need of companionship, which I have no issue with, but marriage is a game changer when he lives in the house he and my mum built and paid for

I think everything you have written in the OP is why he hasn't discussed it with you- because he knows you wouldn't be supportive. It's his life, he's an adult and in a long term relationship, why on earth should be discuss his engagement with you or your sister.

In my opinion the right thing to do is put a huge smile on your face, invite them for dinner and ask if they want help planning their wedding.

Maybe the smaller house would be a better idea so they start married life new and fresh try and go Gentle with your dad he didnt need to run the proposal by anybody its his bussiness but you obviously have some issues only you and he can resolve