to not want them to marry

[nothingisnothing]

edit before posting: Grab a cuppa, its a bit lengthy sorry!

DF phoned this evening to tell me he's getting married.
He's obviously not thought it through as it was a spur of the moment proposal - no ring, question popped in the kitchen and certainly no word to my DS or I beforehand (he does usually talk to us about what he's thinking of doing).
Bit of background : DM passed away 10 years ago after a 12 month battle with cancer. They had been married for 28 years.
8 months later, DF met his GF through an online date site, and after 12 months of dating (travelling 2hours drive each way every weekend and him doing all the leg work) moved her and her late teen Dd in with him.
Non of our family have ever been that sure of her genuineness and have never thought they were a "match".
We are a pretty typical hardworking British family, she is from a completely different country and culture, deeply religious (DF always opposed religion saying believers were brainwashed) and still to this day have nothing much in common.
Her work life was pretty sporadic for the first few years and any wage earned, minus what she needed to get by, was sent back to her family in her home country. Df supported her financially when she didn't work, took her on holidays abroad, bought her a car and other things (DF was well known for being tight with the cash before all this. It was 25 years before he ever paid to take DM on holiday)
She has been continuously employed for the last few years but the work she has always chosen has been a live in 2week on - 2week off type so she spends about 6 month of the year with DF.
Now, don't get me wrong, she seems a lovely person when I go round to visit. There is just something not quite right. She doesn't make any effort with our family nor with DF for that matter. He treats her like the queen and I don't see or hear of anything that she does for him. Not even cooking. Go on her fb and there's nothing, not 1 picture or mention of DF. I've even tagged her in family photos and she doesn't allow them to show. There's something definitely dodgy about it all.
So, just from that little bit of background, I'm sure you can see why I think my DF is being very foolish. What makes me angry about it (and I know this sounds greedy of me) Is my parents worked long and hard all their life to get the life they wanted. DM always said that if anything happened to them, then the house was to be shared between me and DS. The mortgage on the house was paid up 5 years before DM died, and all I can think is that if they marry, and when DF's time is up, she will get it along with everything else regardless of the fact that she hasn't brought anything into the relationship in all this time.
I don't think ibu, wwyd?
Sorry its been a long one but I think the background was needed for a better picture.

You say she seems lovely when you visit as if you expect her to all of a sudden turn into an ogre. Maybe she is lovely and that's it.
Being with your DF for so long and hardly rushing him into marriage is not a sign of a gold digger. Also she goes to work.
You seem to be annoyed about two things: that you and your DS were not consulted before your DF proposed which is ridiculous and that you may lose your inheritance. If your DF left it all to you would you like her more?
Try to be happy for your DF and provide for yourself and your DS so you don't need DF's money in the future.

money can divide the closest families, but grown up kids should get their heads around the fact that they are not automatically entitled to anything, what happens if ops df had to go into a nursing home and that needs to be paid for, what if there was no house to start with it, would have to come out of savings if there were any. AND i can't be the only ex nurse [sure there are plenty of practising too] who hasn't had a relative sidle up to me on the quiet in a care / nursing home and asked if i can't 'help' dm /df 'along' - not because they are in pain but so called 'loving' relatives are watching the money being spent. you'd be surprised how often it happened to me, they were nicely told to fuck off. a lot of people are only thinking about themselves nowadays,

Really, mrsfuzzy? That is not euthanasia since it would have not been in accordance with the wishes of the patient. You have/had a duty of care, so I very much hope you informed the police in all these cases, you were being invited to commit murder, after all?

I think you need to be honest with yourself this about inheritance and nothing else. DH grew up being told to expect a sizeable inheritance when his parents passed. Ten years of care home fees has eaten the lot. My own parents will leave the majority to my disabled brother (fine by me!).

Lots of people never inherit. You're not entitled to any of it.

To the poster above who said would I be happy with my DH dying (after me) and leaving everything to a new partner: that is why you make Wills with provisions for your children while you are alive including trusts, life interests and so on. You can protect your position if you really don't trust your partner.

Thanks everyone for your replies. I appreciate your points of view whether or not you agree with what i'm saying.

Euphermia Its hypocritical of you to call me judgemental. Everybody judges in one way or another. If you can't be helpful then BE QUIET!
Hump daisychain the last sentence goes to you two too.

Mum spoke to us all about life after her and that she wanted dad to find another love if he wanted to. Not one of us disagreed with this.
I don't think mum made a will as nothing was ever said about one and I suppose she assumed that everything would be naturally passed down the line.

In the months following mums death, dad lost his head a little (understandably). He immediately went out on the hunt for a new partner. He thought every woman he spoke to was after him. He'd tell me of his evenings on the pull, with a grin (cringe) and acted a bit desperate.
We did our best as a family to make a fuss of him and get him through that difficult time.

When he met his gf, we were all a bit about it, given the country/culture she's from and its reputation of targeting vulnerable widows/widowers. And her actions from day one haven't helped us to be able to shake off out doubts about whether she's genuine or not.

When she moved in, we encouraged dad to get his will drawn up and seek advice regarding what ifs etc, just incase. I don't know entirely what his will states but I do know that his solicitor drew up some kind of document that she had to sign, wavering all her rights to any claim on his estate, and that if they were to split, he would give her a lump some so she wouldn't be left without and could afford to get housing and furniture (since she came to dad with nothing). She wasn't at all happy about this and refused to sign it in the beginning, eventually coming round to it after an organised "meeting" with the priest at her church - which dad attended but was pretty much excluded from the conversation as it was held in their mother tongue .
Dad also told her - and me - that he would never marry again.

We have chatted about my view of the relationship, and long story short, I don't like the way she treats him, cannot understand where their common ground is, have trust issues over her genuineness but that if he is happy with her, then there was nothing I could do and I would have to accept that. And I do.
I made every effort to get to know her, and we do get on. They come over for dinner every month. I go and visit them. They're involved and dote on my D3yr old.
When family say things about her not making an effort with them, I do stick up for her and say that she probably feels the disapproving vibes from them. I do try to look at it from all sides...but still Its in the back of my head. Their relationship is all one sided and I just don't want to see my dad hurt.
Dad can be naïve and will probably not realise his current will would become void. He will think that she would "do the right thing" in the event of his death. I, however, don't.

With regards to the long game, I have been saying that surely she'd have been off by now. But maybe that's why she chooses the work she does. She's away for two weeks at a time then for the two weeks she's home she'll go to church for the whole weekend and visit friends for a few days. not all of that 2 week is spent with dad.
Her actions just speak far louder than anything else.

brod yes it would be murder that's why they were told very nicely to f off. some people really are that low. what would the point of telling the police ? i reported several incidents to my boss and it went on file 'just in case' anything unto wart happened and a pm might be needed. i was never going to risk my patients well being or career for anyone.

Seminormal we are on exactly the same page! Thankyou!!!!

The only advice you should give you dad is that marrying will automatically make his current will invalid and he needs to make a new one which states that it is made in anticipation of marriage or make a new one after the marriage has taken place.
How he chooses to distribute his assets under the will is up to him.
If you mum wanted you or your children to inherit she should have made a will and was naive not to have done so. Assets do not automatically pass down the line if a will is not made.

what would the point of telling the police?

I don't know what specific setting you were working in but I really, really hope you are joking, mrsfuzzy, brushing something like that off seems mystifyingly irresponsible. Your managers would certainly have taken it seriously.

OP, Dad can be naïve and will probably not realise his current will would become void. He will think that she would "do the right thing" in the event of his death. I, however, don't. If you are right, you should voice your concerns to him privately, otherwise you are leaving everything to chance.

Incidentally, you say this lady is away for two weeks at a time, and also off on visits. Perhaps you should satisfy yourself that DF knows what is going on during these times? It sounds a bit odd to me.

Dad can be naïve and will probably not realise his current will would become void. He will think that she would "do the right thing" in the event of his death.

This is a key point as what does 'doing the right thing' actually mean in practice? My husband's grandfather left his estate between 2 of his 4 children - he felt they needed more support that the others and he was doing the right thing in supporting them. Funnily enough the 2 who were left out didn't see it that way.

TheNaze73 No you have me completely wrong.

Graceflorrick I am so sorry to read your situation. I hope mine doesn't turn into this. I'm so sorry.

iamthinking I will be talking to him about it all. I have been able to live and let live because dad put provisions in place at the start of their relationship.
Yes we have joked about following her to see if she has someone else on when she works away lol!

Her family know about dad. He speaks to the on the phone, they visit when theyre over and so do friends.
If I was in her shoes, and my distant family members didn't approve of my relationship because of religion, I wouldn't hide it from facebook. I wouldn't really give a shit about what they thought. If close friends family and church accept it then fuck the rest.

My nana (dad's mum) mentioned to dad that someone was asking if they were still together as they was nothing on her fb page. She said his eyes filled up with tears. This was only last week so I'm wondering if this is one of the reasons hes popped the question?

I think you could be right that she is seeing your Dad as a meal ticket. It happens all the time, particularly if she has family abroad that she takes care of. I have seen it with my own eyes twice in my life.

Once was my best friends father marrying a Phillipino lady. They didn't seem particularly happy although had a child together and I know he supported her extended family back home which had a huge impact on their finances. The other was through work and the man had married a lady (can't remember her nationality) but again she was very clear on the expectation that he would be taking on her and her family back home and he accepted that. Again I know he was forever skint because of it and it was certainly a source of conflict in the marriage.

So I think you are quite right to be concerned that the family money will not be reaching you in the future but what you can do about it is another matter. Did your Mother work and help pay the mortgage herself? If your father paid the mortgage over his working life then I expect he sees the house as his and he can do what he likes with it. He obviously loves this woman and wants to spend the rest of his life with her.

All you can do is be honest and bring up the subject of money and future inheritance to him. Don't beat around the bush and flower it up, just tell him straight but be prepared for him to tell you you are a grown up and his estate is his to do with as he pleases. It may damage your relationship but personally I would prefer to just have the difficult conversation than retain a lot of bitterness for this woman long term. Plus if he has written you out of the will effectively then it allows you to have a good think about how everything might unfold if he gets infirm down the line and she fucks off. We reap what we sow.

If he is happy then give him your blessing.

I'm in a similar situation with my dad too. My mum died 6 years ago and or the last 3 years he has had a gf. I have no problem with this, i love my dad and just want him to be happy. However his gf is a vile toxic woman who has totaly torn our family apart as she does not allow my dad to have contact with us when she is with him and he has turned into a spinless weak man for whom I have lost all respect. He spends all his money on her, takes her on lovely holidays and treats her, in my mind, far better than he treated my mum. It's not about the inheritance, I couldn't care less if he spent the whole lot on himself.....I do care about the fact that my mum worked her arse off her whole life and that woman is reaping the benefits....that's what I care about.

It's a very sad situation and apparently very very common.

YABU.
He is happy.
He is entitled to leave his money to anyone he chooses.
I am not really sure what your point is to be honest. You say you don't want them to marry - but you aren't the boss of him.
You do come across as very money orientated and grabby, so it's quite funny that is what you are accusing her of.
Just wish them well and get on with your own life.

How about trying to be happy for your Dad, instead of thinking about money? There's an idea!

It's a foolish game to plan on inheritance, chances are most of it will be gone paying for care home fees etc long before he passes away. Even if it isn't, it really isn't anything to do with you what your dad chooses to do with his assets.

You plan to talk to him about it?! That'll go down well, you talking to him like a child who doesn't know their own mind! I imagine he'll tell you to fuck off and mind your own business, and rightly so! He's a fully grown man for God's sake!They've been together 9 bloody years! Even if it had been 9 months it still would be nothing to do with you!

You level of arrogance is astounding.

chances are most of it will be gone paying for care home fees etc long before he passes away

The chances of that are actually small. The vast majority of people don't go into care. Most people who do go into care are there for a fairly short period of time before, sadly, dying. Yes, there are people who are in care for extended periods of time which deplete all their assets (although a significant proportion of them will be on NHS continuing care), but it is very much the minority position.

One of the things that makes discussions about bizarre "will trusts" and the like over on MSE so difficult is that a lot of people have very, very inaccurate views of the magnitude of the risks, the likely duration and the costs involved.

At the last census 2.8% of those aged 75--85 were living in care, 13.7% of those aged 85+. So the chance of going into care at all is about 1 in 7 if they live to be over 85. If someone dies before 85, there is less than a 1 in 30 chance that they have been in care.

(Yes, my analysis is simplistic, as it assumes that once in care people stay there, and ignores people who go into care as, say, respite, but then return home. Those actually make my point stronger, not weaker: of the 2.8/13.7%, not all of them are long-term residents).

Ahhh the racism card. I wondered when that would get thrown in.

To me it doesn't matter who she is, what ethnicity, background or whatever. Racism is NOT a factor!!!
If she was someone from our town who we'd known of or even been friends with for years - even if she was one of my mum's friends and dad got with her - If she treated my dad the way this lady does, I would be saying exactly the same thing!!

Let's face it, she's not the money grabbing one, it's you. How ugly OP.

I can't imagine thinking for one minute about money if my Dad was dying, let alone when he is alive and well and happily in love.

Get over yourself FFS!

When he met his gf, we were all a bit hmm about it, given the country/culture she's from and its reputation of targeting vulnerable widows/widowers.

That's disgusting. Can you not hear yourself? You shouldn't make assumptions about someone based on the country they are from. She is clearly in this relationship for the long haul as she has been with your DF nearly a decade even though he has waited this long to propose and she signed a document waiving her rights to a claim on his estate. To put it bluntly, if she had no feelings for your DF and just wanted marriage to an elderly man as a meal ticket, then wouldn't she have ditched him by now and gone for an easier prospect who was less legally protected and more eager to rush down the aisle?

I can understand your concerns about some of her behaviour, like hiding any sign of the relationship from her Facebook but that's for your Dad to discuss with her. It's difficult to see loved ones making decisions different from what we would want for them but it's his life and you have to respect that.

Sorry OP but it's your Father's business and the money is now his to leave as he wishes.

If anyone is concerned about their own situation I think you can make a will that protects your share of assets for your DC.

If my OH had gone to his adult children and asked their permission before proposing to me ....they'd have thought he was barking.

He's an adult, I get on with both of them , think their kids are fab but ultimately they are his kids and mine is mine. We aren't creating a blended family the way we would if the children were proper children and not adults. You sound very immature OP and possibly racist. After nine years your Dad is hardly rushing into anything and there may be good financial reasons like pension provision that make marriage sensible.

Both my Mum and my SIL married men of different religions and nationalities and their own families disapproved and they both delayed marrying in the hope of acceptance which was a waste of time . In the end they decided their own happiness was more important and the family would have to deal with it and they did and eventually came to accept they were the best thing that could have happened to their family member. Perhaps there's an element of this with your Dad , be happy for him and don't let your concern over his money blight your relationship with him.

Maybe if she is religious she doesnt want her family to know she is living unmarried with your dad hence the FB weirdness your father is obviously happy with this woman its been 10 years however if you think she is just after your inheritence then you need to speak to him .