Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to not want them to marry

122 replies

nothingisnothing · 25/07/2016 02:29

edit before posting: Grab a cuppa, its a bit lengthy sorry!

DF phoned this evening to tell me he's getting married.
He's obviously not thought it through as it was a spur of the moment proposal - no ring, question popped in the kitchen and certainly no word to my DS or I beforehand (he does usually talk to us about what he's thinking of doing).
Bit of background : DM passed away 10 years ago after a 12 month battle with cancer. They had been married for 28 years.
8 months later, DF met his GF through an online date site, and after 12 months of dating (travelling 2hours drive each way every weekend and him doing all the leg work) moved her and her late teen Dd in with him.
Non of our family have ever been that sure of her genuineness and have never thought they were a "match".
We are a pretty typical hardworking British family, she is from a completely different country and culture, deeply religious (DF always opposed religion saying believers were brainwashed) and still to this day have nothing much in common.
Her work life was pretty sporadic for the first few years and any wage earned, minus what she needed to get by, was sent back to her family in her home country. Df supported her financially when she didn't work, took her on holidays abroad, bought her a car and other things (DF was well known for being tight with the cash before all this. It was 25 years before he ever paid to take DM on holiday)
She has been continuously employed for the last few years but the work she has always chosen has been a live in 2week on - 2week off type so she spends about 6 month of the year with DF.
Now, don't get me wrong, she seems a lovely person when I go round to visit. There is just something not quite right. She doesn't make any effort with our family nor with DF for that matter. He treats her like the queen and I don't see or hear of anything that she does for him. Not even cooking. Go on her fb and there's nothing, not 1 picture or mention of DF. I've even tagged her in family photos and she doesn't allow them to show. There's something definitely dodgy about it all.
So, just from that little bit of background, I'm sure you can see why I think my DF is being very foolish. What makes me angry about it (and I know this sounds greedy of me) Is my parents worked long and hard all their life to get the life they wanted. DM always said that if anything happened to them, then the house was to be shared between me and DS. The mortgage on the house was paid up 5 years before DM died, and all I can think is that if they marry, and when DF's time is up, she will get it along with everything else regardless of the fact that she hasn't brought anything into the relationship in all this time.
I don't think ibu, wwyd?
Sorry its been a long one but I think the background was needed for a better picture.

OP posts:
nutellacrumpet · 25/07/2016 06:12

YABU. Your father has found happiness after all these tears and you are worried about your inheritance? You sound like a right piece of work.

nutellacrumpet · 25/07/2016 06:12

I meant years not tears...

Sorebigtoes · 25/07/2016 06:30

I can see a bit from future Step -Mother's side. My MIL married a man (who I can't stand, but that's not the point) a few years ago. She moved into his house a few years after his wife died, and his kids were against the relationship partly because of inheritance issues. MIL was always adament that she didn't want his money when he died (he's 10 years older than her). His kids don't have anything to do with him now, partly due to these issues. Thing is he's extremely unwell now and MIL is killing herself caring for him. I don't know if there's any money left (a lot will be going on care) but if there is, she deserves it when he goes. Don't let your relationship with your Dad suffer like this due to stupid fights about inheritances. There may be nothing left at the end.

Longlost10 · 25/07/2016 06:46

YABU why not just be happy for your DF. He had presumably enjoyed this relationship for 10 years, how lovely that he has found someone who makes him happy. What more could you want for him?

WaxyBean · 25/07/2016 06:47

I think you could raise the will question with regard to your mums personal items at least to prompt and sound out your dad in his intentions there i.e. Dad, I'd really like to have mum's wedding ring when you pass away, is that provided for in your will as you know that automatically everything will pass to your new wife when you are married.

Longlost10 · 25/07/2016 06:48

My DF met and married someone my age after y DM died, and yes, when the time came, she inherited everything. Fine by me, why wouldn't it have been? My DF was happy for the last 15 years of his life, that is what matters.

wigglesrock · 25/07/2016 07:01

To be honest you sound quite bitter about the relationship, not so much concerned about your fathers happiness more your dislike of his partner. I'm not really sure what a "typical hardworking British family is" or what difference that makes. I also am not sure how proposing in their kitchen without a ring makes their engagement less worthy. Most people I know get engaged at home - in the kitchen, in the living room, in bed.

They've been together for the guts of a decade - she hasn't done anything wrong, by your own admission she seems "lovely" and as for not seeing any proof that she does anything for your father like cooking Hmm I'm not really sure what you expect. I don't allow most things my husband/ sister tag me in on my FB feed.

pimmsperfecto · 25/07/2016 07:03

I think your feelings are entirely natural. Inheritance issues can cause a lot of problems in families. I am never quite convinced by all the posters who come on to threads like this and say you are grabby and should be pleased for your parent etc.

I think most people would be delighted for their parents to live long and happy lives and to spend all of their money before they go. But when they do go, it's understandable that you would hope to receive your share of the estate which was owned by the predeceasing parent. As one PP said, it's a link to the first parent you lost.

But try not to let it spoil your relationship with your father. As someone above also said, there might not be anything left at the end anyway.

In my case, grabby stepmother tried to poison my DF against me and DB, and caused a rift for a while. He changed his will in her favour and, at her insistence, did not tell me for 3 years (even when he did tell me DF said I wasn't supposed to know and that stepmother had promised to leave everything to me when she died). Before he changed it, he had given her a life interest, which I understood and was happy about, but not happy to be excluded altogether and even more unhappy that it was done secretly, especially as i had a very good relationship with DF.

My brother predeceased my DF after he took an overdose. He was very close to my DM although he and my father never got on. My DF, spurred on by stepmother, had cut all ties with him, so the inheritance was not relevant to him.

I was on very good terms with my DF when he died. He lived a few hundred miles away but had just spent Christmas and New Year with us, and he met my DC regularly, which meant a lot.

There wasn't much left in his estate when he died. He never saved or had a pension, and the flat had a mortgage on it. Stepmother and I got on for a few months after he died, although she was awkward at even letting me have a few bits of family furniture which my DF had said openly on several occasions were to come to me (she even used to joke that she was polishing it for me). She was laughing and joking at the funeral and had moved in another man within 6 months.

I had an interest in the house due to previous financial contribution and I am afraid it took court proceedings to resolve the matter, as she didn't want me to have a penny. However, at least that was after he died, and I was able to maintain a good relationship before.

Needless to say, my DH and I have tightly drawn wills to prevent this happening to our DC. I think most spouses just leave property to each other, trusting them to do 'the right thing' by their DC. DH can do what he wants with his share, but I would be livid if I thought all of my hard earned money might go to a stranger instead of my children.

greenfolder · 25/07/2016 07:14

If they have been together 10 years then there is chuff all you can do but I do empathise with you. I don't think it's grabby to know that you mum saved all her life and thought that the house would come to you when they were both gone.
Could you discuss it with him? Along the lines that marriage will invalidate the previous will and does he intend to make provision for DS as that was his grandmothers wish?
Fwiw he might be planning this. My friends dad died recently. He had been with her step mother for 20 years (married for only a couple of years) and she had long assumed that it would all go to step mum). She was very touched that her dads will left a third of the house to her to come to her when step mum sells or passes away. The thought put into it by both her dad and step mum actually helped her reconcile a lot of issues and hurt.

d270r0 · 25/07/2016 07:20

They have been together a very long time, he obviously thinks a lot of her, so YABU to get in the way of his happiness.
However- I do agree the facebook thing is strange. What it says to me is that she has issues back the country she is from, possibly for religious reasons she may not want anyone from herto know she is with your df. Also possible she is stuck in a previous marriage she can't get out of? Or a violent ex connected to the family she sends money to? Either way its not her fault, I don't think shes playing your df, but may need some help.

WhatamessIgotinto · 25/07/2016 07:28

All you can do really, OP, is have a chat to your dad and remind him that you hope you'll be provided for in his will (given that it will all go to her unless otherwise stated). Make sure he gets his will re-drafted in anticipation of marriage (as marriage repudiates an existing will, I think?)

Christ Almighty.

OP they've been together 9 years, what makes you think he's rushing into this? Is this about your dad or the money?

WoahSlowDown · 25/07/2016 07:32

I do get where you are coming from. You are thinking of what your Mum would have wanted and the 28 years her and your Dad were together.

I'm not sure there is anything you can or should do. As lots of posters have said - it's up to him.

sofato5miles · 25/07/2016 07:32

I had similar. My father married a much younger woman who was morally corrupt. It caused untold damage to our family.

However, she died of cancer at 48 and he is now 75 and back in the bosom of our family. We had barely seen him for 20 years.

GoblinLittleOwl · 25/07/2016 07:47

Your father has been with this woman for ten years and you think he should consult you before marrying her? Judging by the tone of your post, I am not at all surprised that she has little to do with you.
I hope he marries her swiftly and that they are happy.
As for the money, which is clearly your prime concern, if your mother had intended a share of the estate for you she could have indicated this in her will. Unless she did, it is now your father's property, to do with as he pleases.

SemiNormal · 25/07/2016 07:58

I can't believe all the posters who would apparently be fine with this. So if all those of you who would be okay with it, if you bought your home with your partner, then you died, would you be okay with your children having NOTHING and your partner leaving it to a new partner and her child/ren?? Really?! Fucking hell.

OP I understand your concerns, I do think your mother probably would have wanted your dad to move on and find happiness. I would imagine that in her death she felt some kind of peace knowing that she will have helped provide for her childrens futures in the purchase of a house, so I think YANBU to know that this may not happen.

I agree with a previous poster about having a frank discussion with your dad about his will. It's better sorted now so that it doesn't end up damaging your relationship with wondering all these years what may or may not happen. I would also do my best though to be accomadating to this woman, it may well serve you to keep her on side in the long run.

mrsfuzzy · 25/07/2016 08:00

this sounds grabby and self invested if mum wanted her dd to have money from her will why didn't she bequeath at the time ? plus it's not 'mums estate' anymore it went to be dh and it is his entirely. get on with your life op, if you were my dd i would be more concerned that yo are more invested in what you think you'd get out of me after i've pushed the snooze button and therefore would make my will accordingly, could be very disappointing.

mrsfuzzy · 25/07/2016 08:03

semi new partner ? they've been together 9 weeks not a few months, it's not the jeremy kyle show Smile

TheNaze73 · 25/07/2016 08:05

I don't know if it's intentional OP however, you come across as self centered & hard work. You've made this all about you, when it should all be about DF. I think if you read this post, if you'd not written it yourself, you'd be thinking there was an undertone of self centered, money grabbing bigot. Really hope that's not the case

Graceflorrick · 25/07/2016 08:10

I am in a very similar position to you, OP. There is nothing you can don sadly. If your step-mother (to be) is anything like mine, once they're married she'll distance him from you so that she can control everything Sad

Iamthinking · 25/07/2016 08:15

YANBU to be concerned. You know how things are, we have a small snapshot from this post, it is certainly not beyond the realms of possibility that he is being manipulated and taken advantage of. It is his mistake to make, but the issue of your mother's estate is what makes it impact on you.

I would not have a problem talking to my DF about this sort of thing, he is tight with his money and we could be very straight about it. He is pragmatic about these things.
So based on that, if your dad is tight fisted too, I would say run it by your dad that you are thinking about your mums half of the estate. It is far better to have that conversation now than the potential of a messy, unpleasant claim in the event that he dies before your step mother.

I think that if this was sorted you might not be as rattled by your wariness of the relationship and instinctive feeling that something was off with her. You might be able to say 'oh she makes him happy in some way so what's the harm'.

Do you think she has another relationship on the go somewhere else? Maybe if she is ultra religious there are people at home who might disapprove of her relationship with him?

mrsfuzzy · 25/07/2016 08:17

my grown dc are going to be in for a shock [there are 11 including dsc] mortgage is finished, will down size to smaller place and spend it, am not going to live an impovished old age to give them a few grand each, my dgf did that, hardly anything in the food cupboard, scared to put the heating on so he could leave me a deposit for my first home [i was grateful] but i never knew about it until after he died, just assumed he didn't have much.

MissMargie · 25/07/2016 08:18

I would have the conversation with DF reminding him that DM said you and DB would get the house. And just see what he says. I would suspect it will be a vague response and it's unlikely he will do his GF out of an inheritance.
It will prob be years before he dies and after many years surely GF deserves anything that she then inherits.
If she doesn't sound committed to him, to getting to know your family or to doing much round the house, too bad, there is nothing you can do.

My sympathies are with you, it must hurt when a new 'family' comes along and usurps the old but that is your DF's doing, don't just blame the GF.

brodchengretchen · 25/07/2016 08:23

OP, I hope you will ignore the personal insults. IME there are very much two sides to this position depending on where you stand. On your part, you feel your DM's memory is betrayed and since your relationship was with her and not with your potential step-mother you feel upset, after all this is your family not hers.

On another hand, this lady does appear to make your DF happy, and in the lack of evidence for coercion he wants her to be his wife. Cultural differences can cloud these issues further, I have experience of that, but imagine if she came from a background similar to yours, how would you deal with this if that were so? Why not talk to DF about his relationship, get him to give you an idea of what makes them tick?

Also possibly relevant, beware of wills. They can be changed at the last moment, both marriage and a new will negate any previous wills. And a word to the wise, if there is something you particularly want - say a memento of DM - ask if you may have it now, it may disappear later on.

Pearlman · 25/07/2016 08:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CuboidalSlipshoddy · 25/07/2016 08:31

I can't believe all the posters who would apparently be fine with this. So if all those of you who would be okay with it, if you bought your home with your partner, then you died, would you be okay with your children having NOTHING and your partner leaving it to a new partner and her child/ren??

Yes, as I would be dead and wouldn't know.

Did you have a point?

Firstly, as it happens, the OP has no idea what her father's will says or is going to say, and he may be as I type preparing a life-interest trust document.

Secondly, I know several re-marriages of widow/ers where the new partner has worker his/her fingers to the bone for years caring for an ageing spouse. Why should they be made homeless in their old age?

Thirdly, it is hardly uncommon for houses to be absorbed in care costs or sold for an annuity.

Fourthly, the OP doesn't know that her father doesn't already have a will that leaves everything to the dogs' home anyway.

Grabby, grabby, grabby.