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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be cheesed off she told me what to eat?

31 replies

Karlpilkingtonswife · 22/07/2016 21:03

I am in my 30s and friend is much older. Age difference is no issue, but now and again, she gives advice in a motherly way , which makes me aware she is much older iyswim (?) and it normally doesn't bother me, I find it sweet or vaguely amusing. Recently we went out to breakfast, some sad stuff had happened to me and I felt crap so I said, ' oh I think I'll have a scone with cream and jam, I deserve it! ' I then received a lecture about whether this was a wise thing to eat, do I need the calories and a comment along the lines of her 'being good' (dislike that term) and having nothing so why don't I have something substantial like eggs.

She food shamed me! Aibu to be irked by this?

OP posts:
ailith · 22/07/2016 21:09

Yes.

Mooey89 · 22/07/2016 21:11

YANBU.

RubbleBubble00 · 22/07/2016 21:12

Be irked but at yourself. You let her change your choice

Original poster
Karlpilkingtonswife · 22/07/2016 21:14

No, I had the scone.

OP posts:
LockedOutOfMN · 22/07/2016 21:16

You're not being unreasonable to be irritated by this.

Have you told her you want to lose weight or eat more healthily? If so, maybe she thought she was being helpful.

Do you think she meant it bitchily or was perhaps just projecting her own opinions about food onto you, perhaps without realising it was inappropriate?

How did you react to her?

Caken · 22/07/2016 21:18

YANBU, she sounds very patronising.

Original poster
Karlpilkingtonswife · 22/07/2016 21:21

She's very skinny and goes on about being good. I am slim and take the view food can be a pleasure/ treats in moderation. I honestly don't know why my choice was even up for discussion. I had recently been bereaved and wanted to say, 'you're not my mother!' I just told her that given I'd lost my appetite recently, I was going to take advantage of actually feeling like eating!

OP posts:
LockedOutOfMN · 22/07/2016 21:47

I know I'm missing the point, but I hate the idea of "being good" meaning not eating / denying oneself pleasure. To me "being good" means things like helping someone worse off that yourself.

I agree, OP, her comments were irritating (and needless).

hotdiggedy · 22/07/2016 21:48

Sounds like a relative of mine. Very annoying. Its so boring to hear the word 'healthy' in virtually every sentence regarding food.

ladybagpuss · 22/07/2016 21:51

YANBU, she is not the food police. Sorry to hear about the bereavement though.

Hope you enjoyed every little crumb of your delicious scone!

PuntasticUsername · 22/07/2016 21:51

YANBU. If you're feeling constructive about it, you could say "Thankyou for your concern, but I don't want or need you to pass judgement on my food choices, thanks. I'm a grown up and I'll eat what I want".

If you're not feeling that constructive just go "Fuck off, you bossy cow".

Original poster
Karlpilkingtonswife · 22/07/2016 21:52

I agree. Thanks for your replies.

OP posts:
glueandstick · 22/07/2016 21:57

I'd have ordered cake to go with it just to watch her reaction.

(This post is written with one hand whilst eating fish and chips)

LowAMH · 22/07/2016 22:06

God she sounds an utter arse

Totally inappropriate time and place for the comment given your circumstances, and unnecessary anyway

Hope you enjoyed the scone

Shizzlestix · 22/07/2016 22:20

I fucking hate the 'being good' comments from skinny people. YANBU, OP. It's not 'being good', it's not eating crap, 'being good' sounds like you're a naughty child and she's your mum. I have a similar friend who likes to actually control what I do and give sage advice. I merrily ignore it and tell her I will do as I please, in the nicest possible way.

Allalonenow · 22/07/2016 22:23

YANBU

But she was BU, she had no right to try to control what you were eating.

Another voice for how wrong it is to make food into naughty/wicked v. good games. I dislike the SW "syns" too, as I feel this is playing on the sin element of the word.

No food is a "sin", as has been proved just recently by the about face over butter being bad/not bad for you.

I hope next time you go out with her you order cake with extra cream! Grin

MrsJayy · 22/07/2016 22:30

Food obsessives are really dull im sure your friend meant well but its just irritating isnt it? yanbu and I hope you enjoyed your scone.

MrsJayy · 22/07/2016 22:32

Oh yeah i hate the whole naughty/dirty/cheeky nonsense around food its all just food

Daisygarden · 22/07/2016 23:07

I think your statement that you'd have a scone because you "deserved it" gave her the inroad to lecture you, as it is indirectly asking for her approval, or at least her agreement that yes, you deserved it. If you'd have just said to the waitor "I'll have the scone with cream, please" that would be a lot harder for her to comment on in the way that she did. This is not any criticism of you BTW, I would find it very annoying.

It sounds like your friendship has slid into a parent/child territory. If you like this friend and want to keep her, mentally make a note to present what you say with more authority: "The scone with cream, thanks" (to the waitor, no comment to her) and if you slip up and she jumps on that, for example the scone, don't pass up the opportunity to correct her.

Depending on what kind of relationship you have with her, there's several approaches. If you don't want a direct confrontation with her, I personally would let her rattle on, try to look a bit amused. Wait until she's completely run out of things to say. Do not say anything while she's speaking. Maybe raise your eyebrows. Leave a slight pause so she feels a little bit uncomfortable. Then say "I've already made my choice. It's a scone".

If she's sensitive, she'll pick up and not do it again/as much. If she's as sensitive as a brick, you might need to be more direct.

geekymommy · 22/07/2016 23:13

Did you smack her upside the head and say "don't you fcking food shame me you motherfcking c*nt" (or words to that effect)? If you did then yeah, you were a little over the top, at least if you left marks.

whatiswrongwithyou · 22/07/2016 23:26

Oh dear.. Poor you, that must have been really distressing YANBU

WiddlinDiddlin · 23/07/2016 03:29

WTVF..

Being 'good' is not 'having nothing'... 'having nothing' at a meal time when one is hungry or even when one just fancies some fucking cake, is 'being an epic twat'... if one has to announce it to others and try to coerce them to do the same thing (its pretty twattish even if you don't announce it, not eating is not 'good' if you are hungry!)

In future (well, dont go eating food with her around) I think..

"Would you please refrain from offering your unwanted, unhealthy and frankly warped opinion on food and diet. If I want your advice I shall ask for it'.

Then smash a cake in her face and run away.

Or not that bit. But the other bits.

VioletBam · 23/07/2016 04:37

YANBU but don't say you "deserve" things in relation to food. It's unhealthy and I suspect that's what she picked up on.

We all deserve food. Nice, basic, healthy whatever. Don't justify it to yourself when you eat something fattening. Just eat it or don't.

LindyHemming · 23/07/2016 05:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VioletBam · 23/07/2016 09:30

Euphemia I can't stand it! Eat it and shut up about it is my motto and that goes for whether you're enjoying something OR NOT!

I can't abide this over-investment in food.

We most of us LIKE to eat. Its human nature. We don't need to frigging DISCUSS it so much!