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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help advice needed ASAP

30 replies

chocolatecakemakesmefat · 21/07/2016 10:14

More of a WWYD , Trying not to out myself here so may be a bit vague (mumsnet HQ) are welcome to look into this if they so wish as I'm being completely honest

My son has asd he's 3 1/2 he usually stays with his dad and his girlfriend at weekends , gf came to pick him up and he screamed and kicked and point blank refused to go wouldn't tell us why and kept saying he doesn't want to go anymore , we have been questioning him but trying to get anything out him is like pulling blood from a stone , he has told me and his gran this morning that stepmum is bad and hit him Angry what do I do now he's supposed to be going there later and I'm worried (he went through a stage of saying everyone including me, nursery workers, the dog , his sister hits him so I'm a bit wary wether it's lies or not)
There was never any issue with him going before and he used to love going Sad

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Crankyblob · 21/07/2016 10:26

Trust your gut??

Either way I would not be putting more stress on him by making him go. If he really is getting distressed i would find other options. Is he struggling with the changes to routine during the week maybe? You might find that with asd, you will have to approach the aspect of shared contact differently or at least put more allowances in place.

elodie2000 · 21/07/2016 10:34

This is difficult. Talk to your exH and tell him this : 'he went through a stage of saying everyone including me, nursery workers, the dog , his sister hits him so I'm a bit wary wether it's lies or not'
then tell him what happened when his Gfriend tried to pick him up.
Can you discuss this with Ex and come up with a solution together?

Original poster
chocolatecakemakesmefat · 21/07/2016 10:36

I didn't make him go the other day when he didn't want to he was far too upset , his dad came up on his own and he was fine it was only when the gf turned up that he kicked off , he's seeing a certain professional later there trained in dealing and speaking to kids with asd so I think I'm going to ask him if he can get anything else out him before making any sort of decision Sad

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M0nstersinthecl0set · 21/07/2016 10:36

If this isn't new just be open and frank. For some reason he doesn't go. Take it seriously. But also listen with open mind to them as he has lied before. What happened last time? Could he be seeking that outcome. Or could this be why he said all that?

Original poster
chocolatecakemakesmefat · 21/07/2016 10:38

Exp doesn't believe anything I say he thinks the sun shines out Gfs backside and he will defend her to the hilt , when she tried to pick him up he screamed and kicked I came in the house and after 10 minutes had to go back out and bring him as the whole street could here his screaming , he told my partner again this morning he's not going there again Sad I don't want my son to lose his relationship with his dad but I don't want him in any danger Sad

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ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 21/07/2016 10:40

When he went through the phase of telling people he was being hit did his behaviour also change? It is his extreme reaction that bothers me, something has clearly distressed him. I think it is reasonable to discuss with your ex what has happened and how best to move forward before sending a very distressed child for contact.
Make it clear that you are not withholding contact but trying to find a way to make contact work in a way that your DS can cope with.

Original poster
chocolatecakemakesmefat · 21/07/2016 10:42

Not really he's always been quite difficult to handle and there have been a lot of changes , I told his dad the other day I wouldn't force him to go and he said he's just being difficult and I've not got a choice in the matter , I offered him day contact for a while until ds settles down and he refused and said he want overnight contact Sad

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Original poster
chocolatecakemakesmefat · 21/07/2016 10:45

Just to add we have been split up for 2 1/2 years and he's been having overnight contact for all that time and never an issue like this at one point he didn't want to leave his dad's as it was such fun ! (Never got distressed like that though)

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LoreleiGilmoreIsMyBFF · 21/07/2016 10:46

Tricky. What is your relationship with the GF like? Could you speak to her calmly (possibly explaining the previous accusations)?

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 21/07/2016 10:46

Your ex is being unreasonable. Contact is for the benefit of your son not for the benefit of his father. Did your ex witness his sons distress?

MunchCrunch01 · 21/07/2016 10:48

it sounds like DS has had some sort of bad experience with GF - could be something trivial, could be the transition but it needs careful thought, your ex's attitude that DS is merely being difficult isn't right either. Hope the professional can help with this! Can they write a report saying DS is very distressed about the overnight stays so that you can email that to your ex?

LoreleiGilmoreIsMyBFF · 21/07/2016 10:49

Also, how long has your ex been with GF? Is it a new relationship?

Original poster
chocolatecakemakesmefat · 21/07/2016 10:55

Relationships not great I've asked her about things that have been said in the past and she gets very defensive and shouty Hmm, ex has been with her more or less 2 1/2 years they have kids together now aswell (not putting to much detail in) no ex wasn't here it was her that came to pick him up Envy

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MunchCrunch01 · 21/07/2016 11:00

i'd really go at the angle of seeing if you can get the professional involved with DS to document any concerns about your son's stress levels so your ex has to take that on board. Not sure how feasible it is.

Msqueen33 · 21/07/2016 11:03

Your poor little lad. Two of my girls have asd and youngest is a similar age but is non verbal. I'd be wary as something has happened and although it might not be hitting for him he might well have a bad association with her due to something minor. His father should be more understanding that said he might feel differently if he took your son and then your son was distressed that he might feel differently.

LoreleiGilmoreIsMyBFF · 21/07/2016 11:08

It's possible she is now showing preferential treatment to her own children - this could either be making your son feel hurt and jealous (understandably) or there is the possibility that she has become resentful of him being there, BECAUSE she now has biological kids. So tricky, as I do feel for you (my ex is pushing for his new GF to meet DS and I have concerns about the fact she is only allowed to see her own children every other weekend - ex being very vague about as to why)

Original poster
chocolatecakemakesmefat · 21/07/2016 11:10

He has not long started properly talking his understanding is still pretty poor , before when he was saying these things the nursery just reckoned he had picked up new words and was repeating them rather than knowing what it meant iyswim I'm going to wait and see what the proffesional says before I do anything he may be able to get more out than we can Sad

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LoreleiGilmoreIsMyBFF · 21/07/2016 11:10

Agree with MunchCrunch1 - getting a professional opinion of your son's stress levels regarding this will help you broach the subject on a more formal footing. My son also has ASD, and the support around him has been invaluable.

Original poster
chocolatecakemakesmefat · 21/07/2016 11:11

I do know his dad in his own words 'went right through him' the weekend before (didn't hit him apparently' as he bit one of there other kids I'm just a bit Hmm with the whole situation

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LoreleiGilmoreIsMyBFF · 21/07/2016 11:13

Yes, my DS does this - I think it's called echolia - repeating words and phrases, but often out of context. Very upsetting when you know your child is trying to communicate something to you, but has so little vocabulary with which to do it.

LoreleiGilmoreIsMyBFF · 21/07/2016 11:17

Poor little chap. Was previously apple of his dad's eye, and now the other children have arrived. Must be terribly confusing for him. For now, until you can get some professional advice, I'd suggest dad visits him at yours. A neuro-typical child would be jealous of the new children in daddy's life, but for our little guys, it is so much harder to reassure them. Stay strong - your DS still has you, and you sound lovely.

SemiNormal · 21/07/2016 11:17

Could you stop overnight contact for the time being and make it so that your son spends the day with his dad, either with the other children (so they can bond) or on his own? His dad should really do all he can to keep up the bond and relationship, even if that does mean that girlfriend can't be there during visitation time.

BasinHaircut · 21/07/2016 11:18

Went right through him???? I'd want to know EXACTLY what that meant. Seems like that may have been the trigger as to why he doesn't want to go now.

Maybe his partner pulled your son off of the other child. Could have been reasonably but maybe not.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 21/07/2016 11:22

Your child's wellbeing is more important than what his dad thinks. It's an extreme reaction to a specific person so I couldn't and wouldn't send my child knowing this. Something isn't right about it.

I hope you can get some answers later.

LoreleiGilmoreIsMyBFF · 21/07/2016 11:29

Agree with PPs. Don't send him until you're sure what's going on. You are his rock & he relies on you to keep him safe and happy. You need definite answers as to what has happened.