Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this amount of contact is too little?

30 replies

fridaykitten · 20/07/2016 20:44

In early stages of separating from H. We have two children, 2 and 6 yo.

The situation is we will live about 10 mins apart, he works mon-fri 9-5, i am sahm just now but plan to start work again now I need to provide for kids myself.

Stbxh proposes he will see kids every other weekend. Aibu to think this is far too little and far apart with such young kids? He says he needs his own time too. Im just in disbelief how little he is bothered about seeing kids.

OP posts:
smellsofelderberries · 20/07/2016 20:58

That is too little and I'm Shock at how he thinks he needs so much more time than you?! You sound well rid!

suharding · 20/07/2016 21:04

Sounds a bit like my xh, he sees kids for about 2 hrs once a week at the most, lives nearby. Also he drives past our house twice a day on his commute - when I suggested he saw them after work sometimes he used difficulty in parking as an excuse. Nob.

YANBU but you can't force him to see them if he doesn't want to.

wheresthel1ght · 20/07/2016 21:04

Definitely too little!

Dp has his kids from his marriage eow and 1 night a week. However, he would desperately like them more and would love to go for 50/50 but his ex will never agree to it Sad

The minimum a court would accept is usually as per dp's contact

sorenofthejnaii · 20/07/2016 21:05

That's awful. Maybe he 'assumes' that's what's normal - which it shouldn't be.

Even if he has a full time 9-5 job, he should be thinking about how he could adapt that to flexi working - so he can do the school run, pick ups, over nights and actually see his kids during the week and be involved.

I can't understand how a parent would choose not to be actively involved in their DC's life - and only go for an EO weekend alternative - and leave you with the parenting, the practical parenting and all the school stuff.

It also affects any potential you have for working later.

oaadc · 20/07/2016 21:06

H and I have recently split. He currently sees DS every day after work and has him one day and one night per weekend. When he has his own place, we will have a week A and week B rota. One week he will have him for three weeknights but not at the weekend. The next week he will have him for two weeknights and all weekend. X

SharonfromEON · 20/07/2016 21:10

I am going to ask how involved was he when you were together.

I would also say be careful what you wish for.. EOW was the norm and is the norm in many households.

What do you think is reasonable..

eyebrowsonfleek · 20/07/2016 21:13

Every other weekend plus a week night on the week that he doesn't see them is "normal". With school age kids in particular, weekends are precious and it's a real chance to relax with them. It's fair that you alternate weekends.
The trickiiest bit may be sorting out what happens over Christmas and birthdays. It 's frustrating sending them to their dad's when they see him so little but kids obviously want to see both parents.

sorenofthejnaii · 20/07/2016 21:20

ExH has 1 night and 1 pick up / evening per week plus he has one of the weekend days plus Saturday nights. Works out well and we are very flexible. DS copes well.

But we have a good relationship.

Original poster
fridaykitten · 20/07/2016 21:58

With christmas he said, 'oh you can have them im not really into christmas' - my response being wtf!! Its about whats best for the kids not you!!

He's always been involved in so much as we have, up to now, had a lot of family outings at wkends and he plays with them a bit if just at home.

My (soon to be ex) inlaws, who are lovely, have said theyd still like to see the kids as much as they do now which is about an afternoon and overnight each week plus anytime we might pop up to their's - they seem far more interested than stbxh!!!

I would like him to see them a night in the week plus a few hours the wkend i have them...i feel at this age they need and would want to see their dad more frequently than once a fortnight. I cant make him though, as has been said.

It just makes me so sad that we built this life that he clearly doesnt want. He has also started claiming he cant afford to pay anything for the kids...i will not be accepting this but more than anything i just feel sad. He paints this persona of being superdad...true colours are starting to show so quickly.

OP posts:
applesvpears · 20/07/2016 22:00

I think that is normal. Most mums I know want to spend a weekend with the kids too, otherwise it is just week days after school/nursery/work.

RastafarianTargaryen · 20/07/2016 22:00

That's bloody awful Shock.

I split with my ex in January. He has the kids 2 nights a week at his, spends one night at mine with them while I go to college and every other weekend. Plus he pops by on his way home from work when he is missing them (quite often).

How can your ex be so blasé and disinterested in seeing his kids? How is he as a father in general?

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 20/07/2016 22:50

I'd just be cautious that you need him to maintain whatever schedule you agree. The kids will be the ones to suffer if he picks up more hours and then drops them - he needs to commit.

It's horrible that he doesn't want to see them. At least they'll have contact with his parents so they'll still know his side of the family. That's every other weekend plus a night a week with the inlaws, so it's probably what would be ordered by the court sadly.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 20/07/2016 22:56

It's not an unusual contact arrangement

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 20/07/2016 23:18

Do your in laws know about their son's plans to mentally, emotionally and financially check out of his kids' lives, OP?

Sounds like he really wants to get back playing footloose and fancy free.

SharonfromEON · 20/07/2016 23:28

I think sadly many people see a very different side of people when they split....

Personally I only wanted my child to go to his Dad when he wanted him..I would rather he was with someone who didn't want to see him.

Choceeclair123 · 20/07/2016 23:32

Be interesting to know who instigated this split. Are you sure he isn't trying to get back at you or upset you with his lack of care or interest...

Zuccarelli · 20/07/2016 23:38

He has also started claiming he cant afford to pay anything for the kids I would start a claim with CMS asap tbh. Especially if he's already saying this. It sounds like he's going to be difficult with maintenance so go through the official channels.

Wrt contact, yes it's shit that he doesn't want to see them more. He cares more about his own needs than theirs which in my book makes him a shitty parent. But, as a pp said, at least if the kids are with you they will be with someone who actually wants them.

Original poster
fridaykitten · 21/07/2016 07:52

To the poster that asked the split is a mutual decision, stbxh very much does not want to stay together and is busy planning his new life...he is looking forward to having his own place and meeting new women!!

In laws arent aware of any of the details, i dont really feel its my place to tell them what a shit their son is.

His attitude seems to be he still wants to see the kids but is planning to check out of parenting them.

I know e/o wkend is not unusual but given he will live so close i just expected more...even seeing them an hour in the week after work or something, but of course that would ruin his plans of the gym everyday.

OP posts:
allnewredfairy · 21/07/2016 07:56

EOW is a pretty standard contact srrangement. I would be wary of pressing him for more as the kids will pick up on his reluctance and he may start being unreliable. I'd go with the EOW for now. If that gets established more flexibility should creep in naturally...parents eveings with tea at mcdonalds, relatives parties etc...
The money is a separate issue.

Justlikefire · 21/07/2016 08:05

Eow is usual amongst the separated families I know and it works well as the children get older and they have their own social life.

My ex does nowhere near this and now my youngest dc doesn't want to see him at all.

sorenofthejnaii · 21/07/2016 08:48

His attitude seems to be he still wants to see the kids but is planning to check out of parenting them

How do you explain to a child that their Dad just wants to see them EOW and can't even be bothered to do anything during the week - even when he is so close.

So many people on here seem to accept that as normal. It shouldn't be. It's going to fall to the OP to be the parent in their lives, the one who does the school stuff, who has to do the appointments, all the actual parenting. The OP is also not going to have a social life during the week and how will she have 'me time' as well.

OP - there are ex H's who are a lot more involved in their DC's life. His excuses seem poor - work, gym and a social life.

Meanwhile, it's the OP's life who gets massively affected. Who'll probably not get the maintenance she needs. Who will find it difficult to find the time to get a job.

I feel for your children. But yes, people do show their true colours when they separate.

Lulooo · 21/07/2016 08:59

I can't believe some posters are saying it's okay for a parent to see their DC once a fortnight. What sort of parenting is that? Even if he's having them overnight once a fortnight he should at least see them several times throughout the week. School runs, after school clubs, etc can be his responsibility. Or just pop in to visit.

Solasum · 21/07/2016 09:07

I wouldn't ask him about Christmas if I were you. If he isn't bothered by it, he is hardly likely to make an effort to make it special for them, and they are still at the age it should be magic. Keep them with you and visit his parents if you are feeling generous!

KittyKrap · 21/07/2016 09:08

My XH would see the 3 DCs once a fortnight. This scaled down to once a month then 'due to work' it was for about 4-5 days during big school holidays. The last time he saw them was during last years summer holidays for four days.
DC1 is 18 and never wants to see him again as does DC2 (16).

My solicitor warned me this could happen, I never believed it would though.

TheWernethWife · 21/07/2016 09:18

In laws arent aware of any of the details, i dont really feel its my place to tell them what a shit their son is

Of course its your place to tell them. If they love their grandchildren they should want what's best for them and for gp's to be fully aware of the situation regarding their son. You are not doing them any favours as it will be perfectly obvious what he's done when new women appear on the scene.