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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to find friend totally unreasonable?

115 replies

squashandsqueeze123 · 18/07/2016 21:10

I have just found out that I am expecting a baby girl. Prior to finding out, I have had several friends suggest names for both sexes and my closest friend mentioned a girl's name which I love (and, surprisingly, so does my DH) however when I told friend that it was a great suggestion, she asked me not to use it as it is the only girl's name that she likes and that it hadn't been a suggestion but just her telling me it was a name she likes. I didn't respond to this at the time as DH and I didn't know the sex and minds can change. However, since finding out the sex, we still love the name and when I mentioned this to friend, recently, she got quite upset and said that we can't use the name because, as she'd already said, it's the only girl's name she likes. I was really taken aback and quickly changed the subject (I had no idea what to say!) but I'm feeling like my friend is being really unreasonable as she isn't pregnant, isn't trying to get pregnant (to my knowledge) and could end up with all boys even when she does! AIBU? If not, any ideas how to address it?

OP posts:

jelly10 · 18/07/2016 22:56

I think your friend is being unreasonable. There's no reason you can't both use the same name and if you do it will just become normal as they'll be 2 individual children who happen to be called xxx - they'll each be so much more than just their name iyswim. I was pregnant at the same time as my friend and we both used the same name (though a bit different as we hadn't discussed it first, decided independently of each other).
But maybe there's something else going on and it's about more than a name? Could she be ttc and therefore extra sensitive about it?

Enkopkaffetak · 18/07/2016 22:59

I didn't use the name my sister said she wanted for a dd "if she ever had another one" despite the fact I really loved it and dh liked it too. Despite the fact it was to honour our grandmother (variation of her name) and despite the fact sister had no intention of any more children (and hasnt had any more niece is now 22)

However I will admit it irritated me and I found sister rather unresonable about it.

Found a better name for dd2 and dd3 anyway

mushroomsontoast · 18/07/2016 22:59

If it's quite a normal name like Charlotte, Emily, Ava, Sophie etc then she is being really silly.

If it's a more unusual name like, I dunno, Gertrude or Xenobia and you never would have thought of it without her, then I can kinda see why she would prefer you didn't use it.

I had always known the name I would use for DD1, and some of my close friends knew too- quite unusual and a family name. If one of my really good friends had used it I would have been a bit hurt. But I would have sucked it up and probably used the name anyway.

Depends how good a friend she is I guess!

IJustAteTheKidsFoodAgain · 18/07/2016 22:59

Hmm. A close friend when pregnant with her dd told me if it was a girl she would use my dds name, I felt funny but said nothing apart from 'obviously I think it's a lovely name' she didn't use it in the end but has just had dd2 and used the name. I think it's lovely and deeply flattering. Perhaps I got a grip in the intervening years and your friend may also come round in the next few months. Or in the interests of maintaining her friendship you could use one of the thousands of names available to you, it's your call but it is just a name, I would possibly not go with the same names I chose when my DCs were born if I could rename them so you might change your mind?

Original poster

squashandsqueeze123 · 18/07/2016 23:01

Jelly10, I do also wonder if there is more to it but we are close and I think she would have told me if TTC but maybe it is a sensitive topic. Regardless, I do think the name is just going to leave a bitter taste in my mouth if I were to lose my friend over it so I'd say my question has been answered! I'm clearly the unreasonable one and should put my friend's feelings first!

OP posts:

bumsexatthebingo · 18/07/2016 23:02

I think your friend is silly to be upset about it. But she is. It's your choice now whether you are willing to knowingly upset your friend over a name. As others have said there are lots to choose from.

WhitePhantom · 18/07/2016 23:09

I can see how she's feeling if it's an unusual name - if she used it as well everyone would think she was copying you, which would be really unfair. She shouldn't have mentioned it though!

Tangfastics · 18/07/2016 23:11

Bonkers.

But then I come from a family where my dad, brother, uncle and cousin on one side all have the same name, 2 wives do and and aunt and cousin on the other side do!

Tangfastics · 18/07/2016 23:12

Might name change after that

Foolscapped · 18/07/2016 23:12

The only people who pick out baby names years in advance of starting ttc are the kind of people women who plan their big pwincessy weddings from babyhood. I couldn't take that remotely seriously. I'd have laughed uproariously and said she should try stand-up.

Anyway, around here, all female babies are called some variant on Isabelle, Olivia, Sophie, Mia, Amelia or Lily. Anything else would be considered the equivalent of Moon Unit.

Original poster

squashandsqueeze123 · 18/07/2016 23:15

The name is definitely not unusual. I would have got the problem immediately if it was. It's on par with Emma, Sophie, Laura, Olivia. I would fully expect there to be at least 1 other in the child's year at school. Before I'm berated, I get that this makes no difference to the fact that friend has asked me not to use it!

OP posts:

Rainbunny · 18/07/2016 23:18

Is it "Brexit"? Brexiteena, Brexatania, Brexabella, Brexatisha... ? ;)

PotOfYoghurt · 18/07/2016 23:19

If you tell us the name, or namechange and start a new thread, people are of the very good at coming up with names that have a similar 'feel'.

Alisvolatpropiis · 18/07/2016 23:19

I'd use the name.

QuackDuckQuack · 18/07/2016 23:24

I'd say if it's a top 100 (or so) name then use it. We didn't use a fairly unusual name for DD2 partly because DD1 has a friend with the name and we live in a smallish community, so we didn't feel that there was room for another one. Instead DD2 has a very popular name, with one in DD1's class at school and at least 3 of DD1's friends have a sibling with the same name. But somehow it doesn't matter as it is just popular all over the country.

MrsJoeyMaynard · 18/07/2016 23:25

I think your friend was a bit of an idiot to mention the name to you if she feels that strongly about it.

DS1 is named my favourite boys name - a name I'd had in mind for a boy for years before we'd started ttc - and I was always careful to avoid any hint of suggesting that name to any pregnant friends / family. Didn't want to put it into their head, as no one owns a name and all that...

But in your position, what I would do would depend on how much I valued the friendship, because picking this name will cause upset. Unreasonable of your friend maybe, but it's still going to upset her.

LifeInJeneral · 18/07/2016 23:28

When I was pregnant before I knew I was having a boy I told my friend I liked either eve or ava for a girl and she got really upset and said they were 'her' names if she ever had a baby and begged me not to use them. She was quite tipsy and I think being very unreasonable but she has also been my best friend for nearly 20 years so it wasn't even a question, I told her I wouldn't use those names. They are just names at the end of the day and if your friend is going to feel betrayed (even if they are being unreasonable) every time they hear your child's name then it's just not worth it. I know you have already come to a conclusion on the matter, I just thought I'd share

DelphiniumBlue · 18/07/2016 23:29

My best friend used my favourite name for her son. When my first son was born ( 4 years later, ) I chose a different name, which had some meaning for our family.
By the time DS3 was born, 12 years after my friend's son, she had moved away, and even though we are still close, there was no way me calling my son the same name would have been a problem. I did use that name, my son uses a slightly different diminutive, and everybody is happy.
If it really means so much to her, maybe you could use something different? It's not like this is a name you'd been set on for years, if she hadn't have suggested it, would you have come up with it yourself?
Only you can know how she will react if you do chose to use it: is it worth potentially losing a friendship over?
You might want to consider how close a friend she is - do you think you'll still be friends by the time she has children? People move on, would you feel aggrieved 5 years down the line if you don't use that name, but don't even see her anymore?
Lots to think about, but you've got plenty of time, don't feel you have to make a decision right now.

HoratioNightboy · 18/07/2016 23:31

I don't get this mindset at all, where every child has to be uniquely named within their universe. On the Baby Names board, people are always saying they can't chose certain names because there is already one in the family, or a friend's sister has just used it, or the kid along the street has the name.

I've only ever encountered in on MN, and the only falling out over names I've seen in RL was a man who named his son after his brother, then fell out with the brother for not reciprocating and naming his son after him. The whole family fell out with the brother IIRC.

I don't get why people care so much - they're just names, and most are used by millions other of others.

I think the poster with the Halfords comment summed it up best.

LowDudgeon · 18/07/2016 23:36

I know a family where the father named his first son X Surname, divorced, remarried & then named his second son X Surname too.

I think that beats most Name Top Trumps

HanYOLO · 18/07/2016 23:36

I think go ahead and use it, but only if, if the time comes when she has a daughter and decides to call her the same name, you are prepared to be completely happy about her choice to do so.

It would be a lot kinder though, not to use the name.

crayfish · 18/07/2016 23:46

You're not being unreasonable, lots of people have the same name (I was one of three in my class at school - classic name, popular in the 80s) so is she expecting her non-existent daughter to be the only one?

My sons name is perfect and we had it picked out while I was pregnant, but I wouldn't have told anybody before he was born. She's probably kicking herself that she told you but there it is.

ItsABanana · 18/07/2016 23:49

Are you Rachel Green?

That was my exact thought process too!
Although Monica did let Rachel use it to be fair...

chamenager · 18/07/2016 23:51

The problem isn't really that she might go on and have a DD and give her the same name. She could do that of course and that would be fine.

The problem is more if she doesn't go on to have a DD - or maybe no DC at all. She'd be forever looking at your DD and be reminded of the DD/DC she never had.

Therefore, even if she texts you tonight and convinces you that she is now cool with you using 'her' name, I wouldn't do it.

NotQuiteSoOnEdge · 18/07/2016 23:53

I think you should use the name.

It's a popular name, she doesn't own it, and there is no guarantee she will either remain a friend for life, get pregnant or have a daughter.

My ante-natal group has 6 mum's in it. We bonded extremely well and now nearly ten years later we still meet regularly and holiday together. All the 6 eldest were born within 6 weeks of each other. 3 of them have the same name. No one batted an eyelid.

Nobody owns a name.

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