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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to find friend totally unreasonable?

115 replies

squashandsqueeze123 · 18/07/2016 21:10

I have just found out that I am expecting a baby girl. Prior to finding out, I have had several friends suggest names for both sexes and my closest friend mentioned a girl's name which I love (and, surprisingly, so does my DH) however when I told friend that it was a great suggestion, she asked me not to use it as it is the only girl's name that she likes and that it hadn't been a suggestion but just her telling me it was a name she likes. I didn't respond to this at the time as DH and I didn't know the sex and minds can change. However, since finding out the sex, we still love the name and when I mentioned this to friend, recently, she got quite upset and said that we can't use the name because, as she'd already said, it's the only girl's name she likes. I was really taken aback and quickly changed the subject (I had no idea what to say!) but I'm feeling like my friend is being really unreasonable as she isn't pregnant, isn't trying to get pregnant (to my knowledge) and could end up with all boys even when she does! AIBU? If not, any ideas how to address it?

OP posts:
snorepatrol · 18/07/2016 22:04

It's true your friend doesn't own the name but there's no way you can use that name without her resenting you it so I guess you have to figure out which means most to you.

Heidi42 · 18/07/2016 22:05

I don't think you can use it unless you are willing to upset your df

PaperdollCartoon · 18/07/2016 22:06

Ah this is hard! DP and I have a girl name and boy name, picked for years. I know we don't own them but I would be a bit miffed if someone else used them, anyone close to me would know the names. But either way I wouldn't fall out about it, there are other names! It would depend how close the person was whether I'd still use them, but it's really not the end of the world. (I'd rather they didn't though of course Grin)

But they've only ever come up in conversations like 'what would your kids be called' so it's really clear they're favourites, this sounds like the name was originally just suggested in conversation rather than a long term favourite?

followTheyellowbrickRoad · 18/07/2016 22:06

You can say it anyway you like, she is your friend and only you know how she would take it. I wouldn't use a name if a friend asked me not too.

BacktoZak · 18/07/2016 22:07

I wouldn't give a monkeys if a friend's child had the same name as my child. Life's too bloody short!
Call your baby whatever you like. And stop worrying! Your preggers! You should be having a stress free time!
Is it Beyonce?

CatNip2 · 18/07/2016 22:07

I knew DD name ten years before I had her, I never mentioned it to anyone should they get it first.They didn't, I know she doesn't own the name but I would be pissed off too.

The name she picked is relevant though because if it is is a very popular name yanbu, if it is pretty and rare though, ouch.

BastardGoDarkly · 18/07/2016 22:08

My brother and sil went 6 rounds of I.V.F without success, we'd discussed names a few times, and I absolutely loved one of the ones they mentioned they may use, should they be lucky enough to need it. When I had my DS though, I never considered using it, because it would have upset them, and one name among millions wasn't worth that.

So, it comes down to how much her friendship means IMO.

maldini · 18/07/2016 22:08

I know it won't be a popular opinion but I think yabvu, only because I know if a (good) friend had said what she has I would never use it, regardless whether she might have boys or not.

Original poster
squashandsqueeze123 · 18/07/2016 22:10

Gosh. I'm a bit taken aback at how many people think I shouldn't use the name. Maybe I should give more context:
Via a text conversation I told friend that DH & I were struggling for a girls name but have some for a boy. Friend responded saying, 'I like girls name'
I mentioned it to DH and he liked it too so I replied telling friend that we both like then name. DH responded to ask that we don't 'steal' name because it's the only one she likes but you know, the seed had been planted! Why mention the name then? I find it frustrating. Would it make a difference if I'd thought of the name myself?!

OP posts:
Cantusethatname · 18/07/2016 22:11

My mum's closest friend called her daughter the same name as me (I'm 4 years older) and then her son the same name as my brother! My mum always laughed about it. She said "Go on then, xx, take all my names!"

My point is, couldn't you both use it? Share, like close friends do?

PersianCatLady · 18/07/2016 22:14

If your friend really didn't want you to use the name, why on Earth did she tell you what it was?

How likely is it that she is going to be able to use the name herself?

BadToTheBone · 18/07/2016 22:15

Use it, by the time she gets pg and potentially has a daughter, she'll have changed her mind anyway.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 18/07/2016 22:17

FGS, more context will ake no difference. You clearly want the name so use it and be prepared that your friend will back away from you. Just tell her "well you said you liked this name, we agreed and we are going to use it" no point sugar coating it, she has asked you twice not to use it, you don't want to know. You have asked on here, people have said you shouldn't, you still don't want to know so do what you like.

"In real life who the fuck tells anyone the name before its born? And who stores a name to use for 8 years and tells everyone?" Uh, me Hmm. And actually I'm don't recall us actually telling anyone, try getting your facts right first. We were entitled to pick the name whenever we wanted. Not our fault we had major fertility problems and children came much later than we had planned.

AbyssinianBanana · 18/07/2016 22:17

She's being an arse. I'd text her, well if we have a girl, you can steal our boy name and we'll be even. Because she's a bit insane and that "logic" might just snap her back.

AbyssinianBanana · 18/07/2016 22:18

Sorry I meant to type she's acting A bit insane.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 18/07/2016 22:19

"Use it, by the time she gets pg and potentially has a daughter, she'll have changed her mind anyway "

I love how MNetters have crystal balls. Many posters have said they picked a name years before the DC arrived. Why would this friendly d be any different.

And OP, it doesn't matter if you had thought of the name, the fact is you didn't.

KimmySchmidtsSmile · 18/07/2016 22:19

It is indeed inception. That has happened to me three times btw. (as in, I have said names I like on three occasions then the baby has been named that).
I was not expecting >children at the time though and tastes change. It's all good. Wasn't mithered tbh. Equally an acquaintance once genuinely asked "permission" to use DD's name and I laughed my ass off.
Is there not a similar name or permutation you can use instead just to keep the peace? eg Lara instead of Laura, Cara instead of Kira. Although if she's being that possessive she will probably have the hump over those tooConfused

Paniniswapx3 · 18/07/2016 22:20

It may be irrational but if she's a close friend, then you really shouldn't use the name. Doesn't sound like that's what you want to hear though, so if you go ahead & use the name, then be prepared to lose the friendship.

KimmySchmidtsSmile · 18/07/2016 22:21

^ that said, I have never had a shortage of names to pick from. On the contrary I had too many and ended up with two middle names.

BadToTheBone · 18/07/2016 22:22

Harrypotter well maybe I do have a crystal ball! Lol

I'm not really into names being the bee all and end all, all this angst around getting the perfect name with rules around what is allowed. Pick a name you like and there really is more than one you'd like,, and use it. Ta da, baby has a name.

Marymoosmum14 · 18/07/2016 22:22

Are there no other names that you like at all?
Just because she isn't trying to get pregnant at the moment doesn't mean she hasn't had that name picked out for years and got her heart set on it. If she didn't want you to use the name she really shouldn't have mentioned it, but you have to think some people do plan these things way ahead of time. I had my daughters name picked out years before I even met my partner, we also have two different full boys names and a full name for if we have another girl and I would be heart broken if a friend wanted to use one of them, I personally would probably let my friend have it but still. Are there no other names that you and your husband like?

BolshierAryaStark · 18/07/2016 22:23

Nope the context makes no difference, sorry.
You're clearly determined to now use the name so should prepare yourself for perhaps the loss of this particular friendship, you obviously don't think that much of her anyway.

MistressPage · 18/07/2016 22:25

Why can't you both use it? I don't get this thing about not using the same name as anyone else. At least two of my parents friends had sons with the same name as my brother. No one cared. There will inevitably be someone else with the same name anyway. Unless you call get Princess Consuela Banana-Hammock...

ElinoristhenewEnid · 18/07/2016 22:25

What is the problem? Never heard of this problem until I read mumsnet!
Called my dd same name as my friend's DD and she called her ds same as my ds.

Another friend called her ds same name as my ds because she liked the name.

Also my dd has same name as my cousin's dd NOT a problem!

e1y1 · 18/07/2016 22:25

OP it is not whether or not you have an issue with your friend using that name if she was to go on to have a DD.

She clearly has an issue with you using that name, so it sounds like - friendship or name.