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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to find friend totally unreasonable?

115 replies

squashandsqueeze123 · 18/07/2016 21:10

I have just found out that I am expecting a baby girl. Prior to finding out, I have had several friends suggest names for both sexes and my closest friend mentioned a girl's name which I love (and, surprisingly, so does my DH) however when I told friend that it was a great suggestion, she asked me not to use it as it is the only girl's name that she likes and that it hadn't been a suggestion but just her telling me it was a name she likes. I didn't respond to this at the time as DH and I didn't know the sex and minds can change. However, since finding out the sex, we still love the name and when I mentioned this to friend, recently, she got quite upset and said that we can't use the name because, as she'd already said, it's the only girl's name she likes. I was really taken aback and quickly changed the subject (I had no idea what to say!) but I'm feeling like my friend is being really unreasonable as she isn't pregnant, isn't trying to get pregnant (to my knowledge) and could end up with all boys even when she does! AIBU? If not, any ideas how to address it?

OP posts:
gandalf456 · 18/07/2016 22:28

Friendships can easily change - especially when you are at different stages. I was a bit funny about choosing names already 'taken.' I wish I had not been. Half the people I rarely see now so it would not have mattered. Bear in mind she might move away or the friendship could drift whereas your child's name is for life so, if you're attached to it, use it

Original poster
squashandsqueeze123 · 18/07/2016 22:30

I am not going to be entirely dismissive of the MN's opinions, otherwise I wouldn't have posted. You've all certainly given me food for thought! My friend means a lot to me but, I do also love the name and do struggle to understand how people can lay claim to a name, it isn't something I would do and I certainly haven't had a name chosen for years (I'm not passing judgement, just stating a fact). It certainly isn't worth the loss of my friendship, I am certain of that. I suppose I was hoping that the response would be that I can expect her to be ok with it and we'd move past it but from your own experiences, names obviously can be chosen in advance and are far more important than I had thought. Thanks.

OP posts:
HunterHearstHelmsley · 18/07/2016 22:30

Context makes all the difference! She suggested the name to you..!! Why suggest it if she didn't think you might use it?!

shaggedthruahedgebackwards · 18/07/2016 22:31

Mmmm tricky one

She is probably wishing she had kept her mouth shut and not shared the name with you I imagine

If you value her friendship and she is otherwise a reasonable person then it would be a nice gesture not to use 'her name'. She clearly feels really strongly about it and there must surely be other girl's names that you and your DH like?

winkywinkola · 18/07/2016 22:31

This is daft.

I cannot imagine the type of person that would actually ask a friend not to use a name they like just in case they have a child of the correct sex so they can have 'exclusive' use of the name.

It's barmy.

Call your child what you please. Your friend is being very childish and cheeky.

Every school class has children with the same name. That's life.

BifsWif · 18/07/2016 22:33

Use the name. Your friend is being ridiculous.

Why on earth put the name on the table only to 'ban' you from using it?

Rowanhart · 18/07/2016 22:34

I wouldn't use it if a friend specifically asked me not to.

However, had similar situation with a friend who used my out there Bowie reference middle name I'd said I'd use from teenager for her little girl. I was narked, but didn't give her the satisfaction of comment. She knew, I knew.

I came up with an even better out there Bowie AND Baudrillard middle name for DD. 🌟

londonmummy1966 · 18/07/2016 22:35

Cant you use it as a middle name with something else ? Then you have the name you like and haven't offended your friend? Most babies end up being called something like munchkin anyway for the first year of life so you both have time to decide how to go with a shared or non shared name...

rollonthesummer · 18/07/2016 22:36

I'd still use it!

RumbleMum · 18/07/2016 22:36

I think she IBU and really very weird, though in your situation I'm not sure what I'd do.

I honestly don't see why there needs to be exclusivity. Why can't both children be called the same (assuming her theoretical DC ever turns up)?

bluecashmere · 18/07/2016 22:36

OP, maybe when she told you the name she liked she was telling you exactly so you didn't use it. I think lots of people do plan these things ahead and she might have been worried you already had the name in mind as a possibility. I had a name I mind for years. I didn't use it for various reasons when it came to it but I had told lots of people this name and would have been upset if someone else had used it. Glad you're considering not using it. Wouldn't it be better to have a name that's just special to you anyway? Have you been through all the books and websites to help you choose?

ProcrastinatorGeneral · 18/07/2016 22:38

Your friend needs to pop to Halfords; they sell a range of grips to suit all budgets, and they always come in pairs so she can save one for next time she's being fucking ridiculous.

crayfish · 18/07/2016 22:39

It's ridiculous! She's not even pregnant. She might never have kids or she might have boys, who knows? You might not even be friends with her by the time she has a baby, especially if you use 'her' name so what does it matter?!! Use the name. She might have the hump about it but she is being irrational - so what if both your kids have the same name anyway? They won't even be in the same year at school!

elfycat · 18/07/2016 22:39

If it's a more traditional name and spelling then you might have decided on it by yourselves anyway. Now, even if someone else suggests it, she will make you second guess that choice.

If she does have children she might only have boys, and then the name will be 'wasted'.

I'd call my child whatever the heck I like (and have done). You make the choices for your family.

pinkcardi · 18/07/2016 22:39

I wouldn't, and haven't, used names that friends have said they particularly liked. It's never crossed my mind, no matter how much I liked it.

She mentioned the name to you, and has asked you not to use it. YABU if you were to use it after she asked you not to.

serin · 18/07/2016 22:40

I wouldn't use it.
It already has negativity all around it.
There are thousands of names out there, choose something that is personal to you both.

FuzzyOwl · 18/07/2016 22:40

I guarantee you will lose the friendship if you use the name and if it all gets quite nasty, because it could do, you have to bear in mind that the name you give your DD will be forever linked to these memories.

Personally, I would find another name.

TheCraicDealer · 18/07/2016 22:41

DP and I aren't planning a family for a while but we know what we're going to call our DS if we're lucky enough to have one. We've liked it for at least four years, it hasn't changed and it's a family name. If I said it to a pregnant mate and she, having never thought of it before, suddenly plumped for it I would feel a bit aggrieved. And that would amplify the more unusual the name was- for example it would be odd to have two Ophelia's within a friendship group, but no-one would bat an eyelid at two Williams.

If you think names really aren't that big of a deal then surely it wouldn't be that hard to find another name you like? Especially since apparently you'd never really given this one in particular much thought before she mentioned it. Also, you say she's not planning a family etc.- depending on what her position is, she might feel sad or disappointed that she's not yet able to plan a pregnancy or that it might be a good while off yet. If that is the case then I really don't think using this name would be worth it.

ProcrastinatorGeneral · 18/07/2016 22:44

Bloody hell, are you all really that pathetic as to get the hump over a name for a child you've not yet conceived? Have you any idea how childish it sounds? I'm pretty sure primary school arguments were more adult than this.

JapaneseSlipper · 18/07/2016 22:48

"Also, I have no issue whatsoever with her using the name if she does have a girl, one day!"

That's big of you - your friend will be thrilled to hear "what's the name? Oh, like Squash's daughter! Hmmm!" when her firstborn arrives.

Honestly OP - pick another name. Seriously. She is asking you not to use it. If you carry on, your friendship will either be altered or gone altogether - even if she does keep talking to you she will be guarded around you forever.

She has said it's the only girl's name she likes, whereas you are not so picky. Just choose again.

HairySubject · 18/07/2016 22:49

Just both use the name.
My half sister usef the exact same first and middle name for her ds as I did for mine.

My old ndn and I both fell pregnant and both had an older son. We used each others 1st ds name for our second ds so she had barry and ian and I had ian and barry. (Not the actual names).

chinam · 18/07/2016 22:50

I don't think your friend is being entirely rational about the name but equally I can't imagine how lacking in imagination you'd have to be not to be able to pick a different name out of the millions of names out there.

talksensetome · 18/07/2016 22:52

Post the name on a baby name thread and it will be ripped to shreds and you will be put right off it. Problem solved.

coconutpie · 18/07/2016 22:53

YANBU. If friend was so in love with that name, then she never should have suggested it to you! Going by the text conversation, she was suggesting it for you and DH. She can't now be pissed off when you actually like the name.

LowDudgeon · 18/07/2016 22:54

My niece pinched 2 of my kids' names for her 2 kids, plus a 3rd for her cat! Names don't belong to anybody (unless completely made-up)

The name I would have given DC1 if the opposite sex I went off because a rather weird mother in the same ward used it for her child. Another relative subsequently used it for her own DC1 & said she hoped I didn't mind (though I think she secretly hoped I did mind Grin) but luckily the weird one had put me off it completely.

Granted family is a bit different but your friend is being silly. If she ever does have a girl she's free to use the name too & your DD & hers (if still friends Hmm) will probably be delighted to share a name!