To get boot camp on my children. Enough is enough.

[fruitstick]

I'm tired of being treated like a doormat by my children.

I trying to make them happy but actually I'm just making them spoilt and entitled.

I have 2 DC aged 10 & 7. They argue with me about everything. If I ask them to do something they whinge and complain and refuse.

They are constantly moaning that something isn't good enough, they don't like dinner, I've bought the wrong something or other.

They both sulk if they don't get their own way.

I can't live like this anymore. They are making me utterly miserable.

They rarely do anything kind for me.

I want a happy home where everyone helps eachother and we have a lovely time. How on earth do I achieve it.

I need some help. DH says I need to be firmer with them and not let them get away with it. I've also pointed out that he needs to lead by example!

So firstly, what would you reasonably expect a 7 & 10 year old to do around the house without complaint or feeling like a workhouse.

sorry re the dinner...that makes me cross.

I'm OK but I do feel a little alone.

I don't have my parents around (they died a long time ago) DH has his Dad and his brother who we get on well with and visit often. The kids adore them and they are both very supportive.

I feel the responsibility is all on my shoulders. I run my own business and we need my income. DH works full time. This means I'm responsible for all the home stuff as well as everything in my business.

If I don't do it it doesn't happen.

Everything seems to have come crashing down. Especially at this time of year when I'm trying to work around sports days, plays, organise holiday clubs etc.

I don't have enough time for myself and I don't feel important.

I sound like such a cliche and, before I had kids, I would have though myself a bit pathetic.

I have two 7 year olds. I have an excellent icy 'excuse me?' that I use when I'm the recipient of backchat. It works now but might lose its effectiveness as they get older!

I try to respond to strops without emotion. You don't like chicken - fine, eat what you do like. You don't like the dessert options on offer - fine, don't have dessert. You don't want to tidy up your own mess - fine, I'll scoop it into the bin (normally Lego!)

I do still get the face and the strops but in general most things are done without complaint. They don't have set jobs to do actually - I just call in my 'jobbers' and ask them to do something specific like Hoover the lounge or lay the table.

Honestly though from your last post it seems more like your husband needs more work than the kids

When my then 9 year old niece came to stay on the first day we sat down with her and told her that if her lengthy stay was going to work we would have to have rules and she would have to help around the house. We agreed a long set of things that she would / wouldn't do with rewards and penalties and bonuses if she got to a certain level. Basics in exchange for her weekly pocket money were making her own bed, laying the table, helping with dishes as part of a rota, putting her washing in the basket and hanging up her coat on the pegs when she came in. After that she had optional extras that she could do to earn more money like stripping the bed at the weekend and putting the sheets in the washing basket, watering the garden, helping prepare meals, hoovering and so on. She also had a list of things that she was fined for - so she was fined 5p every day that she didn't put her dirty clothes in the washing basket but fined £1 every time she was rude and persisted after she had had a warning. (She agreed at the outset that that was fair if she persisted after DH or I had pointed out that she was out of order). With food she had to try everything but if she decided she didn't like it after she'd had a mouthful she could leave the rest without comment, although she knew not to expect me to rush off and cook something else as a substitute. In return we tried to ensure that the bulk of each meal consisted of things we knew she liked. The first week was hard work after the novelty wore off, but after that it got much easier, and I think that was because she had been involved in drawing up the list in the first place and felt that it was fair. Would an approach like that work for yours?

have you considered paying for a good therapist...it is so helpful to step back a bit and see what is going on.
The other family members are I'm sure adored by the children...but do they get the good bits without the nagging?

If you are both working how come you have 2 jobs? Because those kids are a job .

also consider the idea of " good enough"....sometimes it is as it says good enough.
No body is going to die if they don't their dinner!

SOrry - posted too soon. Would it work to call a family conference trying to avoid any blame but pointing out just how much you do and how the money you earn and your DH earns means that they can do sports days etc and getting them involved in agreeing what things need to change from your point of view and asking everyone else what they think too? eg DNiece requested a change in our main cleaning day so that she could help without it clashing with a tv programme she wanted to watch.

Sympathies fruitstick.

At the risk of sounding like one of those dreadful "In my day, we didn't have soft play" type of poem things that pop up on FB, I think that so many children now are spoilt. When I was young I wouldn't have dreamed of being cheeky to adults or answering back. I went out and played with friends after school and at weekends, I didn't ask for expensive trips to trampoline parks, or activity farms, or climbing walls or theme parks because they didn't exist I was out on my roller skates with my mates.. I am only early 4Os so it's not that long ago.

I didn't wake up on Saturday saying to my mother "What are we going to do today?" then moaning if it's none of the above, and how it's not faaaair because XYZ at school gets to go there. I feel it was easier to be a parent in the 70s and 80s. Nowadays it seems there's so much pressure to have fantastic quality time at the weekends for the benefit of the child, that the parents have little left for themselves. Also pressure to be this wonderful nurturing parent, and feeling guilty if you find yourself thinking 'Oh bugger off and leave me alone for 10 minutes!'.

Your DH definitely needs to be more supportive. You're burnt out.

I like Madcat's approach. Your children are old enough to be involved forming house rules imo. I think switching your parenting without any prior conversation would prolong getting the results you want from your kids. Good luck!

no excuse but sometimes kids are tired and over stimulated.

fruitstick

Another book I would recommend is Calmer, Easier, Happier Parenting.

I have a hormonal nearly 13 yo and a soon to be 9 yo so I sympathise.

Some things that have worked for us:-

We have timetables of all kit & uniform needed on the fridge so the DC are responsible for checking what they need every day.

Usually there is only one option for dinner / pudding unless it is something that we know a child genuinely doesn't like (this isn't draconian I gave DS2 something on Sat that I wasn't sure he would like -he tried it and didn't like it - so he got an alternative). If they decide that they don't want to eat what is on offer - fine. However, they still have to sit at the table with the family during the meal. Additionally, no screens at the table for anyone.

We have a pretty set routine on school mornings so everyone knows what they need to do. We will get an evening routine up and running once we know DS1's homework and after school commitments in Sept.

Screen bans focus the mind more than telling off.

DH and I try to work as a team where we can (doesn't always work). For example, instead of DH saying "listen to your Mother" one of us might say "You have already been told what to do and I will back up your Mum / Dad in any punishment she /he gives you for not doing it."

Backchat gets answered with "this is not up for debate". I remember Tom Hanks giving an interview where he said he told his children "this is not a democracy" - I know where he was coming from

Key one
I go off duty at 10pm and have told everyone that. So even if it is Friday night and DS1 is still up I will not do Mum duties. I'll happily chat but I am not running around sorting stuff out for anyone (including DH).

My 9 yo DD is expected to:

• Keep her room tidy. If she blitzes it whilst playing, it needs to get tidied up before we leave the house/bedtime. I always give her a 15 - 10 - 5 minute countdown to do this.

• Make her bed, open her curtains and turn off her night light in the mornings.

• Her dirty clothes must be put in the laundry hamper in the right way. I can't abide getting to the washing machine to find sleeves balled up within themselves or socks turned inside out. It drives me potty.

• She has to put her clean clothes away as soon as they're handed to her. I don't care what she's doing, she stops to put laundered items away immediately. I've had to be really firm on this because otherwise, clean clothes end up in a crumpled heap and in the past, have needed to be washed again. Like I have time for that shit...

• If she uses any dishes, she has to put them in the dishwasher (and scrape left over food bits into the bin).

• If she finishes off any bottles (milk, squash, fruit juice, etc.) she has to rinse them out and put them in the recycling bin. NOT leave them lying empty in the fridge/cupboard/on the side.

• If she's using any 'family spaces' such as the kitchen table for arts and crafts or the living room to play or watch films, they need to be left tidy when she's finished.

• The bathroom sink needs to be left clean after she's brushed her teeth. Failure to wash her turquoise coloured Colgate slime from my sink will lead to her being handed a cloth and a bottle Mr Muscle to wash the entire sink bowl and taps.

• She has to empty her bedroom bin before it reaches overflowing point.

• Bags, shoes and coats get put away in their correct places, not dumped in a heap the second she's in the door.

• Wet towels get folded properly and popped back onto the heated towel rail in the bathroom to dry after a bath/shower.

She needs the odd gentle reminder every now and then, but she's getting a lot better the older she gets We have a 'chore' jar in the kitchen which I'll fling a little money into if she helps me out around the house doing other things. Popped 20p in it earlier because she helped me hang out some washing.

It's only DD and I in the house (single parent) so I am quite strict about her doing 'her part' as everything falls on me. I work long shifts, have to do everything in relation to DD and the house, and we have a dog to walk too. Life's pretty busy at times and I refuse to pick up after a 9 year old who absolutely knows better by now. Be firm OP, and be consistent. The minute you lose consistency, they'll run right over you

Thanks Vino - that sounds like a good list.

Our DDs are 12 and 13. We're lucky in that both are pretty easy going, apart from the occasional hormonal blip from DD1.

But, we have never tolerated any unpleasant back chat (don't have a problem with fond ribbing, though) right from the very first time they were old enough to attempt it.

I generally provide meals I know they prefer, but they know that sometimes they just have to suck it up.

They are expected to load/empty dishwasher, set and clear the table, make their own beds, put dirty laundry in the basket, give their bedrooms a swift 5 minute tidy before bed.

I think because we laid down the law when they were still little has meant they know no different and just toe the line (well, 98% of the time).

its an excellent,helpful list but think about yourself in this.

Thanks randomer.

I think we're all tired and overstimulated

Just remembered something my mother did - she made cards with all the available jobs on and stuck them on the notice board. We got to choose which one we'd like to be responsible for that day/week. And we took it in turns to choose.

Having that element of control did help, and as we preferred different things anyway, there were only a few things we fought to do or not do (all wanted to cook, no one wanted to empty bins).

Natty
I might steal your Mum's idea. I could see that working in our house.

ok great glad to be of help

We had a chaotic house without enough rules and it became unbearable. We decided to do family meetings to set some rules. DS1 (8) was surprisingly mature about it, understood that we wouldn't agree to everything he suggested and even told me I should be more strict...! DS2 (5) was a bit disengaged but we did a vote on the rules - bit risky - and he did vote in favour of them. It's by no means perfect but at least for the older one it does feel he's got a bit more buy-in having been part of the discussion.

Don't take on too much at once though. We came up with a long list and haven't been able to follow through on everything. Pick the really important stuff first.

Our rules also include a points system, with points lost for breaking rules and pocket money determined by number of points at the end of the week. It works ok but sometimes I think a more immediate sanction can work better.

Totally disagree with Posie re not thanking. My husband and I thank each other for doing chores even quite routine ones and it makes a world of difference with motivation and just making life a bit nicer to know that there's someone recognising and appreciating what you do. I don't think thanks indicates you've gone above and beyond what you are supposed to do, it's just manners and kindness.

oops, imother not posie!

If you speak respectfully to the kids and insist they speak nicely to you and each other, the rest flows naturally. I don't pay for chores, nobody pays me to do them why set up false life expectations around housework?
Mine all set and clear the table, keep their rooms tidy out away laundry etc, always have they are now in their late teens and cook a meal each once a week.
I do,loads for them, they appreciate it and are very helpful. Obviously we have different nexpectataions of how tidy a teen bedrock should be, but I try to be relaxed about it.

Also no one leaves the dinner table without thanking the cook, and until everyone is finished eating. This has been a rule since they could speak. I get complimented on their lovely manners.
It's an easy rule to implement and models good behaviour