To get boot camp on my children. Enough is enough.

[fruitstick]

I'm tired of being treated like a doormat by my children.

I trying to make them happy but actually I'm just making them spoilt and entitled.

I have 2 DC aged 10 & 7. They argue with me about everything. If I ask them to do something they whinge and complain and refuse.

They are constantly moaning that something isn't good enough, they don't like dinner, I've bought the wrong something or other.

They both sulk if they don't get their own way.

I can't live like this anymore. They are making me utterly miserable.

They rarely do anything kind for me.

I want a happy home where everyone helps eachother and we have a lovely time. How on earth do I achieve it.

I need some help. DH says I need to be firmer with them and not let them get away with it. I've also pointed out that he needs to lead by example!

So firstly, what would you reasonably expect a 7 & 10 year old to do around the house without complaint or feeling like a workhouse.

It's from something aimed at smaller kids I think but rather than say "you can't have any tv until this floor is clear", say " WHEN you have cleared this floor THEN you can have some TV." And just occasionally, I let them negotiate to have the "treat" first to show them I trust them to do the job after. Building in specific times for jobs makes them easier to remember - tie them to mealtimes or whatever.

Table laying is good because there is a natural consequence of nothing to eat with if they don't do it. Might as well incorporate clearing and wiping down the table first if needed.

One of the jobs I ask of them is "clear the hall" ie take your water bottles and lunchboxes to the kitchen, coats and shoes put away, bags to their bedrooms. Another here is open their curtains in the morning and turn their light off. Am slightly that we even count those as jobs, but I still need to nag on them!

That's good advice.

I've taken the computer away this week as they were so rude to me on Saturday about tidying away some things.

Computer time in return for chores could be the way to go.

Make consequences short and immediate. If they lose a week of computer time for one lot of rudeness they may decide to continue being rude all week. What's to lose?! Then what do you do?!

for backchat I simply say " do NOT talk to me like that I do not want to hear it" if they persist (rarely now they are teenagers more sulking) then I sanction something. Depends upon what is going on however they know I will do so. I dont go over the top (like would never say You cant go on holiday if you dont stop) However things like them doing an extra chore (I do use that word yes) or them going to bed early to their phone being confiscated.

at 10 I expected mine to help cook a basic meal
do the dishwasher

and be able to help with the laundry
sort their room out.

My 7-yr old makes me coffee, cooks his own pasta, makes himself cereal breakfast, unloads and loads the dishwasher and washing machine, etc. Not because I ask him to, but because he wants to do these things. In fact, I'm often telling him not to do it now because bla bla...and he just ignores me. I guess we are quite lazy so he has started to help himself! I think if you back off from serving your kids all the time they realise that these things are not automatic and start doing it themselves. Also we don't tie it to money, some things have to be done and no-one pays me either for doing it...
With food, we ask him what he wants and only cook that. He still says rude things back to us though, and I'm not sure what to do with that.

Bluemaid at 7?!? My dd is 6 and I can't imagine boiling water for pasta and coffee, my heart skips a beat just thinking about it... We have a morning "to do list"; makes her bed, puts laundry in basket and pj's under pillow and gets herself dressed, I make them (and ds3) do this before they go downstairs for breakfast, very good at helping set table, scrape plates etc not so good at tidying up after themselves. For backchat, tantrums and general mouthyness (of which there is bucketfuls to me, dh and ds) I say (bellow) to dd "you do not speak to anyone like that, you're getting cross, go to your room and calm down" I then go up after 10 min and reiterate why it was unacceptable. That's our only issue, she's not naughty at all, just extremely tantrummy, dramatic and mouthy then completely adorable 30 seconds later .... She's a Gemini?

I haven't slept. I feel like the world is caving in on me at the moment.

Hopefully some clear expectations will be a start and the back chat will get better as a result as there will be less things to argue about.

I feel like we are such an unhappy family at the moment and that makes me really sad.

I shouldn't let my children make me so upset. I also fear that DH doesn't set them a great example of quite often doesn't help matters or we argue about how to deal with them.

I'm not sure them putting their plates away is going to solve very much but it's a start.

There needs to be a shift of power in your house. Your children having the power to make you feel so unhappy about this type of thing isn't right.

Our DCs get pocket money that they have to earn for doing household chores and for general attitude. Plus they get bonuses for extra chores or for doing something particularly lovely for reach other or other people.

If they are really rude or badly behaved they also get tech time taken off them.

I'm not saying they're perfect. Yesterday I asked both of them to do something and they both said "no". I went apeshit at them! I asked them who the hell they thought they were talking to and next time they ask me for something my answer would be "no" They very quickly, and sheepishly, apologised. They know there's a line and if they cross it there's hell to pay.

I also think there's a balance with letting them have or do what they want. DH can be quite strict and he often rejects what they want to do without thinking it through. I've pointed this out to him and he's getting much better. This means the DCs know that we're fair and if they play their part their life is much easier!!

Keep implementing little changes, it will be worth it but you can't expect to change everything all at once.
Maybe focus on cutting out backchat and a few chores at 1st?
Imagine you are on TV!
Look at Flylady, Steven Covey books (7 habits) and Supernanny for a few ideas
Try to make it fun " We are the "Surname" team"
One friend used to have family tidy up time on a Thursday evening rewarded immediately with Mars bars and a favourite programme
Good luck , I can get 30 children to super tidy a classroom but wasn't so good at motivating my own or myself!
Summer holiday good time to start.

Hi op

There's a lot of focus on chores / rules etc in the responses. From your posts, I'm guessing that you are a little way from feeling able to put that in place.

It's not your job to 'make them happy'. Your job, such as it is, is to cover the basics - keeping them fed, watered, clothed, and all the other stuff you do to help them grow up to become functional adults. But you are not responsible for their happiness - ultimately, that's up to them. you can certainly help them along they way but it's up to them to choose.

How does your DH respond to your children? how does he do discipline? For DH and I we really try to have a shared approach, to back each other up and be consistent, when it's clear that we aren't being, we talk about it away from the kids and work out a compromise.

One book I found really useful for this age is 'how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk' . It's a classic, and really helped us communicate more clearly with our children.,

We tend to do family meetings about changes. dh and I decide how we want things to be (not in a completely rigid way, more principles and ground rules) an then we explain the rationale and the new set up to our children.

As your two are currently running rings around you I think I'd want to start relatively small, with consequences/rewards that are easy to implement because if you really go for it and it doesn't work you will be really disheartened.

My two are teenagers now and actually really quite helpful, but they have certainly been through some really stroppy phases. Things that helped us were making sure chores were evenly distributed (ds has a tendency to slack off compared to dd, and they both have gone through stages of blaming each other/ using each other as excuses) and agreeing them in advance, with a whiteboard for chores so that we aren't always nagging and they have some control as to when things are done, if not what things they do.

We've also found it helped to do chores all at the same time, so for example we all clean the house together now. When they were smaller and chores seemed insurmountable (like dd tidying her room) we would sit with them while they worked and offer supportive comments/do small things.

We are fairly consistent but have a tendency to be good cop bad cop as he often goes from 0 to 60 and then i feel the punishment is disproportionate.

He is also quite argumentative and can also act like a stroppy teenager.

For example he's the worst person for leaving his shoes in the middle of the hall floor or complaining that none of it is his mess so he's not tidying

He does do a lot - shopping and cooking etc but on his terms. We've had several conversations where I've said he does not give the children the impression that I have any authority round here whatsoever.

So he thinks swooping in when required saying 'listen to your mother' is helpful - whereas I think it's just reconfirming to them that they don't have to listen to me unless he says so.

I generally need a bit more respect all round.

Money is a great motivator in my house. They get £5 pocket money each weekend. During the week I will knock off £1 if they are not behaving. They can earn it back or it can go down to zero (very rare) I always give one warning 'if you carry on being rude to me its £4' They understand this. You have to be firm and follow through. I also say 'I don't speak to you that way, please do not be rude to me.' Or 'We are a team and we do jobs together, I am not your servant'. You have to be blunt about it to get the message through.

If you want "a bit more respect" I'd start by talking to dh, telling him how you feel and pointing out that if you BOTH don't nip this in the bud now, things will be 10x worse when they hit the teenage years.

Suggest you have a family meeting where you show a united front and
make a short list of what you want to happen.

So you'll tell them, nicely that you've both noticed that whilst you both love them to bits, there are a few things that need to change it make a happier house. Then list a few behaviours you want to focus on and possible consequences.

I agree with Posie, money is an excellent motivator!

I don't think it's 'boot camp' to get your dc to be civil and do chores - it's just a normal way of living imo.

My 4 all have daily and weekly chores. I have swapped with older DS who hated loaded dishwasher, so his job is now laundry. The jobs are non-negotiable and if they are not completed by sat teatime, then there's no pocket money, no tv/computer, no treats (in that order) and a very cross mum until it's done!

I've never bothered making it 'fun' or not calling it chores/jobs (ffs) - to me it's just a normal part of life that everyone has to do (unless they can pay/manipulate/exploit someone else to do it for them - and that won't be me!). I also never thank them - why should I? It's their shit.

I think once you think it all through properly, know your own mind and expectations and then show them you really mean what you say and never ever budge on it, then they fall into line.

Come on OP, stop letting them walk all over you, take charge!

Thanks imother. Consider myself told!

Agree with PosiePP!
I made/asked my children do little jobs for their pocket money, £1 per day for 4 jobs, up to £5 a week ( u choose how much) also I ticked off jobs on chart, no job no money... Simple! You could make remarks that A has more £ than B so far, no harm to have a bit of competition.

This post shows that you have to start how you mean to carry on, when you have children, so many children have parents as servants ( that moan that their children seem to be in charge of their lives...Der!)
Children like structure, they love rules so that they know where they stand in the family.
Listen how happy they are to get a star etc from their teacher, as adults, don't we want acknowledgement for our work, rewards and thanks.

Everyone wants, one way or another to be told that they are IMPORTANT.

OP could you sit down with DH and agree house rules and consequences for the kids. Sounds like you are really struggling on lots of fronts. They need to not take you for granted. Any of them!

By the way, don't buy them anything, they have to buy it themselves, this will take just 1 week to work, keep to your guns, no letting up, also plan a trip, but only if everyone has £5 in the pot.
Give them good meaningful jobs, not silly 5 second ones, also show them how you want the job done properly, only pay them for what is on the rota, not other little jobs as in eg,clearing table, getting drinks, age related of course.
Good luck.

Just a little but important semantic point. Do you really ask them to do things? Can you not politely tell them as in "Darling, take the plates."? The jobs in the house all need doing and you are (unfortunately) in charge of doling them out. You are entitled to require their co-operation rather than having to request it. It's not a blimmin discussion.
If you ask then you invite a response. "Will you please put your hoody away?" can reasonably evoke "When I've finished this." A gentle-but-firm "Put that hoody in the cupboard now, please." might result in moaning but it is not the start of a conversation. Any sign it might be can be shot down: you didn't ask; you're not discussing it further; do it.

imother rocks! I was (am) the baby of four. It would never have occurred to me to get rewarded for doing my part to make the household run. It was just how it was!

I think if your DH has little respect for you that is the most important thing to affect your dc.

But that aside, what ever poor example he is setting, it's none of the dc's business in one way (same goes for each other). I get "but dc3 hasn't done his jobs, so why should I" whiny type comments. But I tell them that's got nothing to do with them, and to get on with their own stuff. Same goes with your DH too I suppose (altho he shd be ashamed to be so comparable to the dc imo).

Be calm and firm. If they make you mad, they know you are winning. From a behavioural point of view if you tell them to do something and they fight you may follow through now, but next time you may not ask them to do that chore again. This means they won. The threat that they will fight with you means you won't ask them to do things.

Stay calm and consistent. It can be hard. Sanctions can be given, but they should be given calmly and consistently. Kids will learn that there are expectations they should meet. It doesn't need to be about conflict. They only use backchat because it works. Make sure it doesn't work