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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Twelve hugs a day?

118 replies

Icecappedpinetrees · 17/07/2016 21:41

Is this reasonable? 12 hugs a day with your children?

I'm reading 'Calm Parents, Happy Kids' and it suggests that your child needs 12 hugs a day in order to thrive. (8 to maintain and 4 to survive)

Do you agree? Do you manage this?

Or do you think it's unreasonable piffle paffle?

OP posts:
MammaTJ · 17/07/2016 22:30

Easily and naturally but I do not like to think of it being ordered or prescribed. That might make me a little more stiff or less natural about it, which would not be a good thing!

Mine are 9 and 10 though! The 21 year old, who has left home, married and had a child of her own, a couple a week and I am grateful!

corythatwas · 17/07/2016 22:30

So if you have a non-huggy baby (one of my brothers was), how can you force your hugs on them 12 times a day and still teach them about bodily autonomy?

ZansForCans · 17/07/2016 22:30

Actually the kids are always hugging and stroking the cats, so maybe that helps to fill the quota for DS?

Knew there was a reason for having cats!

IKnowThatLady · 17/07/2016 22:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

grumpysquash3 · 17/07/2016 22:41

Does it only work for DC?
What if I hugged my boss 12 times a day? Would I get promoted?

JugglingFromHereToThere · 17/07/2016 22:43

I do hug my DC loads, and much more than I was hugged as a child.
They are teenagers now and I think it seems to have been doing some good.

DS is just back from a school trip and I think possibly showing signs of a hug deficit Smile Will have to put that right before he's off again on Friday.

IKnowThatLady · 17/07/2016 22:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

serin · 17/07/2016 22:54

When I hug mine it is normally followed by the exclamation "FGS go and have a shower". I might make a hug chart/star chart thing and hang it in the kitchen for when their mates in the rugby team come round.

SanityAssassin · 17/07/2016 22:57

Seriously?? if you even think you have to count then you obviously aren't doing it enough! We are always hugging, kissing, holding each other - isn't that one of the perks of parenthood.

BerylStreep · 17/07/2016 23:03

I was never hugged as a child, and I really dislike any physical contact. I tolerate it from DH, but really hate it from MiL who is a hugger. It has actually meant I have avoided seeing her.

Strangely, I love hugs from my DC, although it would be nowhere near 12 times a day. The cat does get much more.

EdmundCleverClogs · 17/07/2016 23:05

Good lord, how did people manage to survive/raise happy children before the invention of self-help books? Do people really need to read up on the adequate number of hugs from mummy Hmm.

Original poster
Icecappedpinetrees · 18/07/2016 01:39

I'm glad I posted, quite a lot of posts have hit the nail on the head as to why it made me feel uneasy. My gut instinct was:

Good god, another thing to set parents up to fail, fabulous. and also if you have to count then where's the bloody point. A prescriptive, paint by numbers, tick box exercise.

That said, I'm a massive believer in attachment theory and I believe children should get a lot of physical affection (pets too if you're that way inclined (wink) I believe children should have lots of physical contact whether that's a hug, a shoulder rub or wrestling and tickling. But whatever works for them personally.

Thanks to those who posted about positive moments and alternate means of "hugging". My toddler loves to be carried or lifted then spoken to. After sleeping he loves to cuddle and he'll sit close/snuggle for reading a story but there are times he pushes me away if I try to cuddle him and I think quite right, it's his body, it's his mood, it's his choice and I respect that.

And yes about age - a 16 month old versus a 16 year old. As a baby DS was perma-Velcro baby and now he's a toddler and he's that busy running that I see more of the back of his head escaping than I do his cheeky wee face!

I'm glad I asked, feel better reading these replies - thanks vipers!

OP posts:
Doyouthinktheysaurus · 18/07/2016 02:42

13 year old ds1 hates hugs, his idea of hell and I have to respect that. He might agree to a handshake or a shoulder squidge and if I catch him unawares I can get in a kiss to the top of his head! That's it though.

Ds2 is 12 and has always been cuddly but even he is more reserved these days.

So neither of my very well adjusted children would want 12 hugs a day anymore. That's fine, they need to know we respect their wishes and that they don't feel obliged to acquiesce to hugs

OlennasWimple · 18/07/2016 03:20

What about big hugs where you get to breathe in their smell? Does that count for more than one?

SomeDaysIDontGiveAMonkeys · 18/07/2016 05:00

Just hug when you want to. No one should be counting otherwise it's not spontaneous.

mathanxiety · 18/07/2016 05:26

I would have ended up dispensing 60 hugs per day if I had followed that advice.

herecomesthsun · 18/07/2016 05:48

Ds is 8 and has been going through a phase of not wanting hugs because he is such a big cool boy now...

EarthboundMisfit · 18/07/2016 06:15

Mine definitely get that.

EarthboundMisfit · 18/07/2016 06:16

Oh but I'm counting cuddles, stories, sitting with their legs on me etc.

EarthboundMisfit · 18/07/2016 06:17

Grumpy, yes, that will work. Start today.

LaContessaDiPlump · 18/07/2016 06:27

DS1 has never been huggy; I am half convinced that this is part of the reason why he hated breastfeeding and refused to do it. Too close, too constricted. DS2 is very slightly more huggy.

I have to ask them for hugs and they quite often say no. They are 4 and 5. It makes me a little sad but I feel enforcement would be worse.

For example, my mother never hugged me growing up unless we'd just had a flaming row (i.e her screaming at me and me staying quiet); at this point she would insist on hugging me and I would let it happen while hating her so much I thought I'd burst. It took me a long time to dissociate hugs from violent hate as an adult.

Just throwing that out there.

0hCrepe · 18/07/2016 06:45

I do think hugging is very important and luckily both my DC are very huggy. At times when ds is cross E.g he's hurt dd by accident (he's clumsy and impulsive) and needs a bit of time away from what they're doing to give her chance to stop feeling angry. He's really cross at being taken away and wants to go straight back and I'm getting more and more cross with him for hurting her again and not seeing that she needs her space, I sometimes suggest a hug instead and when we do it really calms everything right down.

BalloonSlayer · 18/07/2016 06:52

Surely it should be "as many hugs as they want."

DS1 is 16 now and if I try to hug him he stands there stiff and cringing. He is an affectionate boy most of the time however. Trying to hug him twelve times a day would absolutely not improve our relationship!

OppositeOfGenius · 18/07/2016 06:57

Just 12 moments of physical or loving contact in a day doesn't sound enough to me - if you think of all the touchpoints in the day that's nothing.

The problem is that people who need this advice (who aren't "natural" parents and don't fulfil their kids' emotional needs) would never take it in, or they'd end up using wrongly as part of a semi-abusive relationship (like Contessa's mum above).

I'm someone who didn't get hugged by my mum and it did affect me - it felt like one more form of rejection. No book could have fixed that.

Maybe it helps people who feel they should hug but have been taught not to?

Huppopapa · 18/07/2016 06:59

unreasonable piffle paffle! Marv! stores phrase for later use
In all forms of communication what I say is less important than what you hear. Parenting is no different. Loads of posters above point out that their children might not want to be hugged. Acknowledging that those children may want affection shown in other ways is streets better than trying to achieve a target of daily hugs.