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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Twelve hugs a day?

118 replies

Icecappedpinetrees · 17/07/2016 21:41

Is this reasonable? 12 hugs a day with your children?

I'm reading 'Calm Parents, Happy Kids' and it suggests that your child needs 12 hugs a day in order to thrive. (8 to maintain and 4 to survive)

Do you agree? Do you manage this?

Or do you think it's unreasonable piffle paffle?

OP posts:
megletthesecond · 17/07/2016 21:56

I'm not sure we manage that (sadly). They're constantly on the go or scrapping, I'd have to rugby tackle them to get a hug.

branofthemist · 17/07/2016 21:57

Ds (6) gets loads more than 12. He is a child that likes to hug. He is also quite highly strung.

Dd (12) hugs less but is really laid back.

I really don't think there is a magic number. Especially when it's forces on an unwilling participant.

Also I hug my dog loads. More than I do Dd, but I am not going to force her. The dog loves cuddles, dd not so much.

Imnotaslimjim · 17/07/2016 21:57

DD gets lots if hugs. She's a very cuddlable child. DS however, despises it. The closest we get to a hug is a brief touching of cheeks as he goes to bed. Unless he is upset, then he likes to be bear hugged, the tighter the better!

Purplebluebird · 17/07/2016 22:01

I hug and cuddle my 2 year old all the time, but doubt he will want 12 hugs when he's 13!!

NavyandWhite · 17/07/2016 22:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AlwaysWashing · 17/07/2016 22:05

Good god, another thing to set parents up to fail, fabulous.

IKnowThatLady · 17/07/2016 22:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 17/07/2016 22:09

Why not design a spreadsheet or wall chart to keep a hug tally?
If the child has been away on a school camping trip, the best thing to do is binge hug when they get home for approximately 42 minutes, allowing the child a short 3 min break halfway through to avoid cramp.

SemiNormal · 17/07/2016 22:11

I'm quite confident I hug my son probably between 10-20 times a day (but obviously have never counted), is there an issue of being hugged too much though? Could that maybe make a child too clingy?
Other than the hugs I'm always showing other signs of affection so if a child isn't 'huggy' there are other options that I think would possibly have the same effect ie holding hands, ruffling of the hair, hand on shoulder/arm around shoulder etc

Penfold007 · 17/07/2016 22:14

DS thrives on giving and receiving cuddles. DD and the cat both hate being cuddled. What am I meant to do?

emsyj · 17/07/2016 22:16

Hugging my children is one of my greatest life pleasures. I hug them all the time, whenever they ask for it and about a zillion times more just for my own enjoyment. Like a PP, my DMum never hugged me - maybe that's where it stems from?? I do love a good cuddle with the kids. I have often thought when I'm cuddling them that I hope we still cuddle when they're older (currently 6 and 3) and when they're grown up. My DMum is great in lots of ways and would always help me out, she is a good person, just not very affectionate or demonstrative and I have no memory of her ever holding or hugging me. I want a different relationship with my own children.

BrandNewAndImproved · 17/07/2016 22:16

I hug my dc when I wake them up, before they go to bed and the odd random hug during the day. They don't get twelve or even want twelve. They know they're loved without me having to hug them twelve times a day.

Sallystyle · 17/07/2016 22:18

If I hugged my teen boys they would run off screaming.. we are not a huggy family.

DD 9 might want one now and then and DD7 loves hugs and of course I give them to her because she wants them.

My mum wasn't a hugger, I always knew and felt like I was loved despite her not being very physically affectionate.

Flouncy · 17/07/2016 22:19

I think its more twelve moments of physical positive contact. That could be spontaneous mutual holding hands walking along the pavement, leaning in together when reading a book, straightening a school tie, dusting off shoulders before sending out the door, sitting in contact on the sofa. Its choosing to reach out and make contact because you want to.

drivingmisspotty · 17/07/2016 22:22

Haha ilost my DD did actually binge hug me today when she came back from a sleepover.

DontForgetTheNameChange · 17/07/2016 22:22

Surely it depends on DCs age? Little ones are likely to have and want more hugs than most teens, aren't they? My 1 yo DC gets waaaaay more than 12 hugs a day, but I am very huggy and he's very huggable.

StrangeLookingParasite · 17/07/2016 22:23

How sad that you seem to be a bit proud of that

And here's your grip, booklooker. You seem to be missing one.

OddBoots · 17/07/2016 22:24

At what age? I think getting in one or two hugs a day with my teenagers is pretty good going.

PacificDogwod · 17/07/2016 22:24

I have never heard of that book, but the hug thing sounds ridiculous, surely?!

We hug when we want to/it seems appropriate or wanted/required/when the situation arises - I have no idea how often that is.

Thriving/maintaining/surviving on hugs? Really??
IME and IMO every child and in fact every person irrespective of age is different and some will want or need hugs more than others. I was/am not a hugger and having very tactile DS4(6) constantly clung to me has been an education - a lovely one, but there is not doubt that he gets hugged far more than the others as a. he seeks hugs out, b. he still fits on my lap and c. he does not tell me where to go like his older brothers Grin

12, 8 and 4 - what bollocks.

hownottofuckup · 17/07/2016 22:24

48 hugs a day?? Shock
I'm not sure I manage that. Hard to tell though does it have to be a full body hug or will a quick head hug do?

ZansForCans · 17/07/2016 22:25

Surely there has to be a recognition of age difference? My 11yo DS likes a hug when he's tucked up in bed at night, otherwise he avoids them. I sometimes get to stroke his hair and he likes that. But I respect his wishes and wouldn't force hugs on him.

6yo DD on the other hand would happily spend all day every day (and all night) with all her limbs wrapped around me. I regularly have to peel her off to get stuff done. She runs around the house chasing me for hugs. She probably gets over 100 a day if it's not a schoolday.

I don't like the thought of people reading that and then trying to force hugs on kids who don't like it, for example some of those with ASD, or a child who is just too old for it and trying to assert a bit of distance.

purpleme12 · 17/07/2016 22:25

I wish my 2 year old would let me hug her. She is not cuddly and I long to. She just won't let me. I try to do it (which is one sided i'm extremely lucky if I get a hug or she sits on my knee) I long for this

KittensandKnitting · 17/07/2016 22:26

Loss of sense of humour alert I think :)

Lots of hugging of cats here :) little one is not so keen unless on her terms. DC often want to hug the cats more than us so yup the pets in this house are more than liketngetting more hugs here too

PacificDogwod · 17/07/2016 22:28

Oh gosh, yes, I've just done the maths to: 48 hugs for the boys + who knows how many for DH + even more Wink for the dog…. I'd never be doing anything else all day long!

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 17/07/2016 22:29

If you have several children, you could round them all up for a group hug?

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