Twelve hugs a day?

[Icecappedpinetrees]

Is this reasonable? 12 hugs a day with your children?

I'm reading 'Calm Parents, Happy Kids' and it suggests that your child needs 12 hugs a day in order to thrive. (8 to maintain and 4 to survive)

Do you agree? Do you manage this?

Or do you think it's unreasonable piffle paffle?

[nooka]

My dd is pretty tactile, and so 12 moments of loving physical contact isn't too tricky (even though she is a teenager). I'm very aware that when life isn't going her way one way to help is to do things like snuggle on the sofa together watching rubbish. Now she has a girlfriend that might decrease I guess :)

ds has always been more independent. He doesn't hug very often (although he'll oblige when dd demands them). One way we've stayed close is by doing a martial art together. Not sure the author of the OP'sd book would include kicking each other as a hug though!

[MsMermaid]

Is it supposed to be 12 hugs from each parent every day, or can it be 12 hugs total from everyone?

Dd1 is 16 and only tolerates hugs occasionally, when things are getting her down, but she hugs 6 yo dd2a few times a day so I wonder if that counts as part of her quota. She seems quite calm and happy anyway.

Dd2 gets a lot of hugs, she shares them around and demands them whenever anyone goes out without her, so she gets her fill from 4 different sources (me, dh, dd1 and cm). She is less calm than her sister was at the same age, even though there was only me doing hugs with dd1 back then.

[BertieBotts]

The title of that book is irritating alone. (Sorry!)

I don't think I hug DS 12 times a day. I've never really counted.

[Wolfiefan]

Ms Mermaid makes a good point. 12 hugs per parent? So a single parent must hug 24 times to compensate?!

[Sooverthis]

My ds is 30, I'd love to give him twelve hugs a day but he lives twenty miles away, as a toddler he was grafted to my hip I miss that. My first dgc is due soon and I shall be telling my DiL that 12 hugs a day is mandatory I'm sure she will be glad of my input

[Huldra]

I used to try and cuddle my 15 year old, I would run after him saying Give your Mummy a Big Big Cuddle. He would run screaming Nooo. Then one day he called my bluff, accepted my approach but then pinned me down and tickled me. Now when I ask him if the big teenager stinky wants a cuddle he only needs to look at me and wiggle his fingers before I run screaming. I don't think we could both go through that 12 times a day

[Leeloo2]

It's an interesting idea. I guess it's a general point that on the whole children are happier when shown physical affection. I suspect parents would also be happier - on a similar line of thinking to the research that shows stroking pets calms people down.

I'm going to try and note how many times dc and I hug for a couple of days. I suspect it'll be interesting, as both dc are cuddy, but older dc (7) naturally gets less hugs as toddler dc (2) is less independent /wants carrying /bumps herself etc etc. I'll make a conscious effort to find more opportunities to cuddle with big dc.

Are there any other suggestions in the book op?

[LaContessaDiPlump]

Surely 'showing affection' can happen in other ways? I ruffle my kids' hair, pat their backs, try to show that I'm listening, validate their better choices etc. I think they know I love them; they'll be ok.

[ChipsCheeseandIrnBru]

Leeloo - yes loads of suggestions but be warned (as I can see that it is dividing opinion!) it is all in a similar vein - "choose love" being a common theme. "Be calm" in situations where you think your eyeball might pop with fury - like we haven't all tried to stay calm. It's pretty obvious stuff but I like reading lots of different approaches. It's a good reminder of basic common sense parenting.

I'm not an advocate or saying I don't like it either. I'm just sitting on the fence

[MilicentKing]

DS2 (7) crept into bed with me at some point last night so I think we're in hug credit.

DS1 (17) vaulted onto the bed at 7.30am (DS2 thankfully not still snuggled in otherwise he'd have been flattened). I told him I had to give him 12 hugs. He gave me a look, shuffled away a bit so I stroked his head .

I work from home and my work station locks down every 55 mins. I've been spending my 5 minute work station break looking for Pokemon with him. I'd say that's worth a few hugs.

I think we're doing OK.

[SealSong]

Wow, another way to make parents feel guilty and anxious FFS.

Just hug your kids when it feels right to do so!

[StillDrSethHazlittMD]

My dad never hugged me. My mum only hugged me if I was upset.

I genuinely believe this is why my parents and I get on but we are certainly not as close as everyone else I know and their parents. And why my Nan, who gave wonderful hugs, meant far more to me than my parents ever did. I was devastated when my Nan died. I shall actually be quite "meh" when my parents die. I think of my parents as people I know and get on with in the way I do with neighbours.

I don't for one moment agree that there is a specific number of hugs that should be given each day. But I absolutely believe that hugging children with at least some sort of frequency is essential.

[OppositeOfGenius]

Just hug your kids when it feels right to do so!

Some people don't hug their kids though (as I and a few others have said). And having a "physical" relationship does make a difference.

However, again, these guides are pitched at an odd market, since those people won't respond to them. Perhaps the people most likely to find them useful are those who didn't have functional families growing up and don't know what's quite normal?

[ExcellentWorkThereMary]

Where on earth do these "facts" come from? Has there been some longitudinal study with a group of unhugged children, a group of barely hugged children, and a group of super hugged children? Where has this arbitrary number system of hugs come from.

Ugh. I love hugs, I hug my children a lot, I would never bloody count them and I think it is completely ludicrous to suggest there is a number you need to reach otherwise you are a terrible, failing, not hugging enough parent.

Ugh. 12 hugs. What if I do 11 one day and 13 the next? Or if I am away for the weekend do I need to do an extra 24 the day I get back? Are they cumulative?

"4 to survive". Will my children DIE if they don't get 4 hugs a day?

[OppositeOfGenius]

If anyone's reading this and worried by the stats, that already proves they're a better parent than some out there.

Yes I'd be interested in the data behind it as all stats are questionable, but I do think it's easy to be overly cynical about hugs and physical contact (and other "normal" things) until you've actually been deprived of them in an unhealthy family environment.

These days I live in a home where we hug constantly, say "I love you" frequently, touch or have affectionate moments a lot. I didn't get that at all from one parent as a child and can't imagine how it would have felt without a dad who didn't compensate a little too.

[MrsKoala]

Is anyone else with little dc a bit upset by the thought of only hugging them 12 times a day? or saddened by the thought of it becoming much less as they become older? As someone who still co-sleeps with my 4 and 2 year old and who tends to wear them draped round me in the day, i find it hard to imagine not having that level of constant physical contact with them. I suppose it gets gradually less as they get older and then it happens organically, but looking at my little squishy ones i just can't imagine it.

(i'm expecting the third and currently trying to work out how i can cuddle all 3 together without suffocating someone )

[Juanbablo]

The toddler gets well over 12 hugs a day. Dd will cuddle up for 1/2 an hour (does an extra long hug count?) before bed and have a hug before school. Ds1 has SN and doesn't like being cuddled but occasionally he will come to me for one. I feel really guilty now like I don't hug them enough. I will make more effort to hug them.

[ChipsCheeseandIrnBru]

I'll just leave this here....

[Primaryteach87]

Depends on the age, obviously, but I'd say at least that with small children. I'm a hugger!

[tootyflooty]

I hug my kids at every opportunity, although my 25 year old son, thinks I'm weird !!!. my 18 year old twins, know that they have a needy mum lol, so are happy to reciprocate. I do it because I just love them so much, not because a book says I should though. I tell them I love them all the time too. I also cry at cute youtube clips of kittens, and Marley the movie, I am stupidly soft

[CecilyP]

What does 'need 8 hugs for maintenance' even mean?

[Okkitokkiunga]

Definitely not. I am cringing at the thought. They get a hug when they want one and a couple times a week I'll sit on the settee whilst they watch to and have a cuddle with them. They seem happy children with no issues

My mother used to want to hug me - I hate being touched unless I've instigated it. I am a bit soppier than I used to be.

Obv if DC's are upset they are immediately scooped up and get Mummy cuddles till it's all better.

[BeckyMcDonald]

This is why I don't read books like this. Because they're full of a load of old bollocks. If your kids want a hug, give them a hug. If they're not asking for a hug, they probably don't need one? No need for a book.

[ChocChocPorridge]

DS1 would hate that.. I'm barely allowed to plant a kiss on his forehead at bedtime!

DS2 on the other hand, no probs. I only have to pause in one spot for a few seconds and he'll have installed himself on my lap, or leaning against my leg.

[PacificDogwod]

I mentioned the 12 hugs/day thing to DSs today and they ALL (aged 13 to 6) looked at me like this: