Twelve hugs a day?

[Icecappedpinetrees]

Is this reasonable? 12 hugs a day with your children?

I'm reading 'Calm Parents, Happy Kids' and it suggests that your child needs 12 hugs a day in order to thrive. (8 to maintain and 4 to survive)

Do you agree? Do you manage this?

Or do you think it's unreasonable piffle paffle?

[CurlyMango]

12 sounds good to me. I am a hugger. My kitchen do hug me all the time and me them.

[PickAChew]

Zombie!!!!

My teen wouldn't be best pleased if I tried to hug him. I think he misses being able to rest his head on my shoulder, though!

[plaintomatopasta]

I hug mine millions of times a day! My parents never hugged me and I'm a massive fan of hugs

[kaytee87]

Zombie thread....

[ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba]

I hug my kids all the time. They hug me all the time.
Yet I'm far from calm and yell quite a lot because they are very stressful.
I think they are happy though. When they are not winding each other up

[APotterWithAHappyAtmosphere]

I am going to partly disagree with most of the responses here. I'm quite an anxious person and being a parent is so unpredictable and can feel quite out of control at times. I like reading books and online stuff to help me feel like there are some concrete things I can try (even though of course I understand that not everything works for every child). That's why I like MN so much - you get so much advice and the sense of people having been through the same thing.

I'm guessing most people who read that book are looking for answers to a specific issue. During difficult times, trying something new can break a cycle and if you feel like life has become a constant round of shouting or arguments, adding a 'rule' like 12 hugs a day could be the thing that stays in your head when things are getting tense.

It's kind of like diets, most of them work if you follow them but they are not the only way or the be-all and end-all for losing weight or healthy eating.

[mathanxiety]

MrsKoala - I honestly believe that sleep books and baby care books in general should all be burned, and I am not a book burning sort of person at all. All they do is enrich the authors and make decent parents doubt themselves and their solid instincts, and I think a good few babies and small children suffer quite a bit into the bargain.

[ChipsCheeseandIrnBru]

I don't need much help to feel inadequate and yes when I read any parenting book I see all that I don't do/manage instead of recognising all the positive things I do.

[PersianCatLady]

I'm reading 'Calm Parents, Happy Kids'
I remember reading those wonderful child rearing books as well. I don't know what it is about them but they are written in such a way that they always seem to make you feel inadequate as a parent.

[FetchezLaVache]

Meh. I really hate this prescriptive, pseudo-scientific approach to hugging. DS is hugged about 50 times a day at a guess, but he's autistic and seriously under-sensitive to touch, so he really needs loads of hugs. Surely every individual has different needs when it comes to physical affection?

[MrsKoala]

I didn''t even know there was a book called attachment parenting I think like most people we just do/did what came naturally and worked for us (co-sleeping is defo the lazy way). I wore them in slings too till 3mo just because i found it easier - no philosophy behind it. I never really question or think about what feels natural like hugging (till this thread of course).

However, i do think i need to separate slightly from them because they are consuming me and with another coming there just isn't enough of me to go round. Perhaps there is such a thing as too much hugging? I am reading a sleep book by a Dr Ferber and it is making me feel that i have attached too much and the physical closeness we have is a bad thing. The children seem well adjusted and happy tho (altho ds1 does have boundary issues).

[fatcathatmat]

I'm not a huggy person. If my DM had insisted on hugging me 12+ times a day, our relationship would be much worse than it is now. She showed affection for me in other ways and we have always gotten on brilliantly.

My brother, on the other hand, developed his sense of personal space much later than me- he would come and stand right up next to me in my space all the time when I was a teenager, when I repeatedly asked him not to. He didn't get why it bothered me and he wasn't being malicious, but there were a couple of years where I couldn't stand him because of it. Physical closeness just isn't comfortable for some people and that should be respected!

[CwtchMeQuick]

DS is 4, he gives me a kiss when I drop him off at nursery school, a cuddle when I pick him up, and a kiss at bedtime. We're not very touchy. Maybe 2 mornings a week he'll come in bed with me for a cuddle before we get up, and we cuddle at other times but I'd say averaging 4 times a day over a week is optimistic. He seems to he surviving okay must be a tough kid.

[PacificDogwod]

Aw, no, MrsKoala, you need no such book. At all.

I think it's all a very personal thing - I remember my mother complaining that I was not very cuddly and I'm not - never have been, never will be, I suspect.
I have a very good friend who has 3 DCs and they had a 'family bed' (basically a small room with mattresses wall to wall) that all 5 of them slept in until their eldest decides of his own back that I wanted to 'move out' (I think he was about 10).
Horses/courses comes to mind.

My babies soon taught me that they wanted to be held and turned me in to a much more hippy mum than I ever thought I'd be, sling an'all….
I almost became an Attachement Parent - not because I had read the book, but because clearly DS1 had…

[MrsKoala]

I draw the line at sleeping with DH. He get's invited in to visit for special occasions.

We have actually just bought ds1 his first bed and are even contemplating him sleeping in it. I'm not sure whether either me or him will cope tho. But baby's coming soon so...:(

After reading this thread i'm not sure if we are too cuddly now and maybe i need a book titled 'let go woman, for the love of god'.

[MsMermaid]

MrsK dd2 is 6 and loves nothing better than snuggling into our bed between mummy and daddy. I used to love it, but it's getting old now, she wiggles much more now she's older, and kicks the covers off.

[PacificDogwod]

I barely tolerate DH in the same bed as me, never mind wriggly and increasingly large and smelly offspring!!

[MrsKoala]

Don't say that Pacific! Next you'll be saying they don't want to sleep in the same bed as you anymore

[PacificDogwod]

I mentioned the 12 hugs/day thing to DSs today and they ALL (aged 13 to 6) looked at me like this:

[ChocChocPorridge]

DS1 would hate that.. I'm barely allowed to plant a kiss on his forehead at bedtime!

DS2 on the other hand, no probs. I only have to pause in one spot for a few seconds and he'll have installed himself on my lap, or leaning against my leg.

[BeckyMcDonald]

This is why I don't read books like this. Because they're full of a load of old bollocks. If your kids want a hug, give them a hug. If they're not asking for a hug, they probably don't need one? No need for a book.

[Okkitokkiunga]

Definitely not. I am cringing at the thought. They get a hug when they want one and a couple times a week I'll sit on the settee whilst they watch to and have a cuddle with them. They seem happy children with no issues

My mother used to want to hug me - I hate being touched unless I've instigated it. I am a bit soppier than I used to be.

Obv if DC's are upset they are immediately scooped up and get Mummy cuddles till it's all better.

[CecilyP]

What does 'need 8 hugs for maintenance' even mean?

[tootyflooty]

I hug my kids at every opportunity, although my 25 year old son, thinks I'm weird !!!. my 18 year old twins, know that they have a needy mum lol, so are happy to reciprocate. I do it because I just love them so much, not because a book says I should though. I tell them I love them all the time too. I also cry at cute youtube clips of kittens, and Marley the movie, I am stupidly soft

[Primaryteach87]

Depends on the age, obviously, but I'd say at least that with small children. I'm a hugger!