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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not let MIL

111 replies

Champagneformyrealfriends · 17/07/2016 21:34

Look after DD overnight? She asks constantly, has even "jokingly" told her other GC they can't stay over until DD has. She's 4 months old-I'm not ready to leave her, and even if I was ready I'd want it to be with my mum or sister first because DD sees them more often.
I get constant pressure to leave her and they tell me that i "need to do it soon before she gets too used" to being with me all the time. So AIBU?

OP posts:
HarryPottersMagicWand · 17/07/2016 23:32

Fear Obligation Guilt.

"emotional blackmail is a "powerful form of manipulation in which people close to us threaten, directly or indirectly, to punish us if we don't do what they want." The main tool of the trade, Forward says, is FOG: fear, obligation, and guilt."

winkywinkola · 17/07/2016 23:36

I wouldn't trust your mil ever with your child.

She sounds unhinged!

Planty18 · 17/07/2016 23:37

The only time my kids (6,3) have been overnight with my mum is when I was in labour (the 6 year old) and again labour (both older kids) but it was in my home. I wouldn't have been ready at 4 months!! The not till they're talking idea is a good one from a pp, I like that. Yadnbu, some people might be and each to their own but I would definitely make it clear it won't be in the near future as it'll be a constant cause of stress.

coolaschmoola · 17/07/2016 23:41

My dd (4) didn't stay with my mum until she was three, and had asked to. She has never stayed with Mil. Your child needs her mum, she's not a toy to take turns with and actually, aside from dh, you don't have to share.

Tell her no.

Ed1tY0urPr0f1le · 18/07/2016 00:02

I'm not a grandparent but I really think my priority would be ensuring my child or Dil/sil was happy and comfortable this would enable them to concentrate on baby.

Same here. I hope I get to be a Granny but pretty sure I'll be able to remember what it's like being a new mum and be sensitive to their needs over and above my own desires for baby snuggles!

Caterina99 · 18/07/2016 03:19

I have a one year old DS and I can't see why anyone would WANT to look after a 4 month old overnight unless the parent really wants the break? Who enjoys getting up in the middle of the night if you don't have to?!

DS stayed one night with my parents at around 6 months, and my inlaws are having him for a night in August when he'll be 14 months. I asked them though, and I can't wait for my night away, if they were pressuring me to leave him then no way!

OlennasWimple · 18/07/2016 03:24

I'm pretty laid back about this sort of thing and the DCs often have sleepovers with friends and stayed over with family from a pretty young age. But not four months, that's just bonkers.

And if anyone tried to guilt trip me, I'd dug my heels in on principle. My baby, not your toy!

VimFuego101 · 18/07/2016 03:32

I can't understand this desperation to have a baby stay overnight. I'd be more than happy to do it if someone needed me to, but it's not something I'd beg for!

SomeDaysIDontGiveAMonkeys · 18/07/2016 04:59

No of course YANBU. It's incredibly early days for you. If you can , just be honest and say. "As DDs mum I'm never going to have this time again with her and I'm just not quite ready to be apart from her. I know you being such a great mum (even if she's not Wink) you'll understand where I'm coming from. It's amazing you're so keen to be involved and it'll happen, just not quite yet".

coconutpie · 18/07/2016 10:26

YANBU. Your DD is 4 months old - she's supposed to be used to being with you all the time - you're her mother!! I have never left my nearly 2yo overnight, in fact I've never even missed bedtime. I don't plan on any overnights anytime soon either.

She rants on Facebook about this? I would be telling her to stop that immediately and that because she's proving herself to be so bloody childish that there's no way she will be having DD anytime soon.

I don't understand what this crazy obsession for overnights with these GPs. Babies wake up multiple times at night - do they just want a night of no sleep or what for some bizarre reason?

JudyCoolibar · 18/07/2016 10:31

Tell her your DD has started waking up all through the night and see if she's still as keen.

paxillin · 18/07/2016 10:34

They should get a chinchilla if they want cute and cuddly.

PhoenixReisling · 18/07/2016 10:49

I would unfollow her on FB.

By doing this, although she can still see your posts and you can still look at her profile; by unfollowing her you can choose when to look at her page and you will not see any of her posts on the your newsfeed so won't see those passive aggressive digs.

I also agree with everyone else, that if you don't want your DD to stay overnight then that is what you should do. I think that she wants to play at being mum and has been allowed to do this with your SIL children. Your DD is not a doll and she has already parented her children, so you need to remain firm and ignore her attempts to railroad you into doing something that you are not happy to do.

Original poster
Champagneformyrealfriends · 18/07/2016 11:13

paxilin Grin

phoenix you're right I think-she obviously wants mummy time again. She even said she was going to buy a co sleeper crib Hmm
Sil has let her really take over with her DC so that's probably why she thought she could with DD.

Thank you to everyone for your replies and support-I thought I was being overprotective but you've all made me feel better about my decision! A lot of love for Mumsnet right now! Flowers

OP posts:
VillageFete · 18/07/2016 12:16

YANBU! I really don't understand the urgency on her part?! Surely sleepovers are much more fun when the kids are older, can watch movies/bake cakes etc. She should simply say "If you fancy a night off, i'm here" and leave the ball in your court.

I will say though, once she knows your Mum or Sis have had your DD overnight she's probably going to want to know why she hasn't & will insist further. Have you thought about letting her at that point, or what you'll say as to why you don't want to?

Original poster
Champagneformyrealfriends · 18/07/2016 12:38

My parents live a 2 minute walk up the road so that makes me feel more comfortable leaving her there-it's nothing of a distance to go for her if they needed us to. If we let her stay out it would be so we could go for a meal and both have a drink and mil lives a drive away so it would be more difficult to go for her. Also my mum would do everything exactly as I asked her to (DD seems to like her routine) and mil has on many occasions given sils children biscuits for tea because they won't eat what's on offer or let them stay up until 11. Dniece had a dummy overnight there until she was 10.

I know if we want her to stay at my parents she'll have to stay at MIL's house too though-I just want to feel more comfortable with leaving her knowing that she won't be kept in her routine while she is there.

OP posts:
ItsABanana · 18/07/2016 12:49

Completely up to you, and she should respect your wishes.
There's nothing wrong with a baby staying for an occasional overnight (I think my eldest was about 6 months when he first had an overnight stay at my parents.)
There's also nothing wrong with not wanting them to at that age as well.
It's whatever you feel comfortable with, and what you know is right for you and baby.
The FB thing would drive me potty. Hide her so you don't have to see her ranting!

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 18/07/2016 13:00

God I'll be leaving my 4 and 7 year olds for four days in August - this will be the first time they have spent time without either parent. But then I haven't had anyone pressuring me to let them!

YANBU.

LoopiusMaximus · 18/07/2016 13:01

Politely decline and if mentioned again, IGNORE. My mil (who does not have a maternal bone in her body) was exactly the same with my first, but she soon got the message! He's being going through the terrible 2's for what seems like forever and she now refuses to even visit due to his 'behaviour' Shock.

I could never pressurise a new mum to hand over their child for even a few hours let alone a whole night!

Ps as for the comments about your little one getting 'too used to you' , that's what they're meant to do.

BaskingTrout · 18/07/2016 13:03

I was in a position, due to unavoidable circumstances, where I had to leave DD with my mum for 2 nights when DD was 12 weeks old. It was pretty upsetting for me, but DD was fine. I was much more comfortable leaving her with my mum rather than MIL though, even though MIL is a lovely person and a great mum/grandma.

You are not being unreasonable at all OP, especially since there is no reason, other than MIL's enjoyment, why your DD needs to be left.

Boysnme · 18/07/2016 13:12

It was our wedding anniversary when my DS1 was 10 weeks old. Hubby arranged for PIL to have him over night so we could go away. When I found this out I didn't really know what to do about it as I didn't want to leave him that young. We did go away and it turned out to be one of the best things we did. Our DS was fine, my PIL coped fine, they followed everything we asked them to do and it made us feel comfortable about going out and leaving him again. Maybe the key for me is that I like my PIL and I completely trust them.

My kids are now 5 & 7 and love having sleepovers at granny's.

You do need to be totally comfortable with where your kids are going and who is looking after them and If you are not with your MIL then of course you don't leave your DD with her. Perhaps you start small with walks where they come back within your time frame (unlike last time they did it) and make it clear that not following what you want to do is what will stop them seeing her.

Just something else to think about, if you are using a nursery when you go back to work, if your DD is not used to other people when she starts it will be much harder to settle her and you may feel that puts a lot of pressure on you going back to work. That's just my opinion though in what friends and I went through when kids started nursery.

Good luck with it, your MIL does sound way more of a nightmare than mine!

honeysucklejasmine · 18/07/2016 13:18

I dread this with my MIL too. She's a 30 minute drive away and obsessed with babies. It's lovely that she's interested in our dd but we are simply not ready to hand her over. She's 5 months old and a really good sleeper so we simply don't need a "break" overnight. Especially as we don't actually see the ILs often so dd isn't really sure who they are.

Original poster
Champagneformyrealfriends · 18/07/2016 13:26

honeysucklejasmine sounds like a similar situation to ours (minus the fb ranting!).

OP posts:
MLGs · 18/07/2016 13:34

Up to you. As has been said "your baby your rules". Also four months is nothing.

I was quite happy to leave dc2 overnight at around that age.

Dc1 we had to leave overnight in intensive care at 8 weeks so I think from that you get used to the idea. Didn't leave her apart from in hospital overnight until she was a year mind you.

Farfromtheusual · 18/07/2016 13:37

I'm 34 weeks pregnant and I'm sure my MIL thinks she's going to have the baby the day after it is born or something. She has the cot and everything (given to her by BIL as no longer needs as DN is 2) set up in her spare room and she comes across as very entitled and that she is going to have them all the time Hmm
Luckily DP is very much of the same thinking as me, and it will be on our terms, not because she wants it. And he will tell her that as well.

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