I wouldn't die for my child...

[user1468775161]

Hello, I'm really nervous about writing this. My son was born September 2015. I've always wanted children - I had names, pushchairs, etc. picked out (when I was a teenager!)

I have the perfect partner, so there's no issues there. He absolutely loves him; I love him too, but not as much as I thought... I know it sounds sad, but my expectations were so high. I wouldn't die for him. I don't feel like he's the baby boy that I waited patiently for. It's horrible... This tiny little human, a beautiful one at that, needs a mother that would die for him - why wouldn't I? Why doesn't he feel like he's mine?

I want to love him loads, but I just love him. He's 10 months now; nothing has improved. Why? I'm really not depressed, I'm actually really happy. I just feel like he's my friend's baby, not mine...

Help?

It will come. Like others have said it could be that you set your expectations too high and the reality (at the moment) isn't living up to "the dream" what with the sleepless nights, stressing about feeding, etc. and the fact they don't give much back at that age. Seeing your doctor won't affect your job at all but I'm not sure you need to. If you are genuinely not unhappy and love your DD just not as much as you expected to then I would give it time. I know a lot of people, especially dads, who have have taken a bit longer to develop that bond but do in the end and perhaps appreciate it more as it wasn't there to start off with. See how you're feeling in a year or so

queensofconstance.com/queentributions/this-is-how-long-i-have-loved-you

OP all these postrrs share good advice and experience. The wider society dictates our roles etc and gives us guilt when we dont fit in the box. Many of us try to conform to whats expected of us and we emotionally beat ourselves up when we dont fit in the box. We are all different, some of us thrive better with structure but others need more flexible lifestyles. What im trying to day is there's no right and wrong way in patenting and relationships with the exception of danger, neglect, abuse etc.
You need to live by your own realistic measures. Beong a Mum doesnt come with a set of rules and many of us 'wing it' .
My youngest DD is disabled and Ive had 16 years of many mixed emotions, many brought on by society and professionals. This has been a huge learning curve for me and her older sibs so believe me you'll do ok :-) just get some support and off-load some of your anxiety (((xXx)))

There are different ways of falling in love. Sometimes it's the lightning bolt, eyes-meet-across-a-crowded-room; sometimes it's a friend you've know for ages and you slowly realise you want them around all the time.

In the same way, I think there are different ways of falling in love with your baby. You can get the sudden rush of oxytocin and fall instantly head-over-heels. I had an EMCS, and never got that hormonal rush. I felt pleased but in a neutral sort of way about my baby for quite a long time. I felt positive about her, but almost as if it would be forward to declare love straight off.

My love was about steady growth rather than a thunderbolt. Would I die for her? It seems like a dramatic declaration, not something I need to say. But if she were facing danger and I could stand in front of her to take the bullet - well, I couldn't leave her to face it by herself. I'd just be there. No drama.

theres no point trying to quantify love, or feel bad that it doesnt measure up to your fantasy.
The important thing is you are there for him and that you love him. Noones asking you to die for him, so you dont need to worry about it.

Ive gone through phases where my children meant less to me than at other times, and felt like other peoples babies, but also other times when the love is much more overwhelming. Its never static because its just feelings.

OP are you quite a maternal person? I'm not, kids annoy me when they get To around 7/8 years old and beyond, and I never felt an overwhelming rush of emotion when my DD was born. I did the routine with her, it was just clockwork: feed, change, nappy. Of course I liked holding her and taking are of her, but it took me a long while to feel as if "she is my baby and I would do anything for her".

I think the one thing that pushed me into that realm is the fact that because she was the first grandchild, everyone wanted to hold her/take her and me being the selfish cow that I am (plus it made my blood boil to have to watch certain members of family treat her like a toy that just gets snatched/passed around/handled very roughly), I didn't want anyone taking her off me and using up my bonding time with her so I made myself follow the mantra that you will never have these little moments back, they grow up so fast etc. And maybe I succeeded in convincing myself. Now I'm slowly becoming more maternal but it is a long and hard process and yes there are setbacks where I think "I don't want to hold her, just want time to myself" but again there are ups and downs to motherhood.

I do think it is best to see GP to be on the safe side but explain it as you've told us here so you don't get fobbed off

I felt like this with my first dc, I just didn't get what all the fuss was about over him (sounds dreadful now!) I took care of him, played with him, sang with him, rocked him to sleep, slept with him... but it was like I was ticking off a to do list rather than enjoying any of it at all.

I felt like that until I had my second dc when DS1 was 14 months... I was hit by a huge wave of primal love the moment my second was born that I had never felt over my first. I knew then that it was pnd and got treatment at my 6 week check for dc2... they were a bit surprised that I needed treating for dc1 but some antidepressants later and I gradually started to feel the way I was supposed to, or at least the way I did about dc2. It was a horrible time looking back, but as it was my first dc I just thought that was how it was iykwim and thought I had been sold a bit of a false dream or something.