I wouldn't die for my child...

[user1468775161]

Hello, I'm really nervous about writing this. My son was born September 2015. I've always wanted children - I had names, pushchairs, etc. picked out (when I was a teenager!)

I have the perfect partner, so there's no issues there. He absolutely loves him; I love him too, but not as much as I thought... I know it sounds sad, but my expectations were so high. I wouldn't die for him. I don't feel like he's the baby boy that I waited patiently for. It's horrible... This tiny little human, a beautiful one at that, needs a mother that would die for him - why wouldn't I? Why doesn't he feel like he's mine?

I want to love him loads, but I just love him. He's 10 months now; nothing has improved. Why? I'm really not depressed, I'm actually really happy. I just feel like he's my friend's baby, not mine...

Help?

I think springer has it. I remember when dd was born i didnt feel the rush of love. I liked her and was proud to show her off but the love didnt come until she was about 12 weeks old and I had spent enough time alone with her to build that bond up.

Does he look different to you and your family?
I'm wondering if he doesn't look like he's yours, if you know what I mean?

I agree with others. Don't worry about it and hopefully the bond will grow over time.

Hello, just wondered why you thought this may affect your job ? I can see no reason it would at all. Do you have access to confidential counselling through your employer ?

I have four DCs. To be honest I am not sure I would automatically die for my children, it would entirely depend on the bigger picture at the time. Also I don't think I have consistently loved them in that gushy gushy way I think we are expected to. There are certainly times I love them a bit less, and just care for them very well as though they belong to other people - I take that very seriously, as it's only fair to them to be responsible about their care. But I don't think it's uncommon to have ups and downs in family life and sometimes feel parenting can be a bit too much altogether. I actually happen to think that's pretty normal and we accepted that we would all be a lot happier. So OP, I think this is pretty common and you are bound to feel different ways at different times.

I would also admit I get child envy at some people's lovely kids. I happen to know other people get envious of some of mine! This is also OK. The main thing that children feel safe and secure and cared for, so just seek to control the bits you can control and otherwise, que sera sera.

I will echo the other posters and say that talking to someone is best.
However, I used to always wonder whether I could lay my life down for people I loved and worry that I could not step to the plate in an emergency as I was not motherly enough, but two years ago dd, dh and I got stuck in a situation ( too outing to say what) where we actually could have all died. I was calm and collected and I had a crazy burst of instinct that let me save DD and then save my husband so that she was not alone. Then even while I was struggling to save myself I was singing my daughters favourite song to try and keep her calm.
Once we were all safe I could not believe the feelings that had come over me. My husband says I went into full tiger mode.
My point is ( after too much waffle) that you won't know unless you have to know and that it is impossible to hold that level of emotion all the time. In some people it just kicks in when necessary.

PS One thing nobody tells you is that personality fit between individual parents and children has a lot to do with love and so on as they grow up. It may be that the fit between the two of you isn't quite as close as it might be with another child. That is also completely normal. It doesn't matter, and you can't control it. It just is.

I'm in the police, so I'd hate it to affect that in any way... I know they're really funny about things.

He has my hair and eyes.

I don't think you are at all unusual.
My first six months I was very much aware he was my responsibility but the love was definitely a slow burn rather than a big whoosh the moment I saw him. I've found others who felt the same but women tend not to talk about it as the whooshers tend to think anything else is odd but just like some relationships start with a slow burn so does baby love sometimes.

I'm not sure that saying you wouldn't die for your child is automatically a problem. No one can ever tell until they were in that situation but, objectively, if I died there would be 3 children who were motherless. If one of my children died, the other 2 would have me. In bigger picture terms the second option is the utilitarian one. I'm not sure that I would immediately, instinctively, lay down my life (in a them or me scenario, i would fight tooth and nail to save them) instead of theirs. However, I would speak to someone about them not feeling like your baby

I actually think this is quite normal, two of my best friends felt exactly the same way. It's hard because we usually love people because we really know them. It's still early days. My best friends are now absolutely smitten with their children. I think it'll happen for you

For me personally, the love I have for my children when their babies is just instinct to feed them and keep them alive, it's different, I don't love them I'm just insinct driven to snuggle and look after them

When they show their personalities as they grow older, then I ^love them" - as people.

I don't know them when they're babies. Babies are just babies.

This sounds like a bit of anxiety over if you are enough, enough in the sense of maternal instinct and love. It's hard not to wonder at times, I did. But your little one is still very new to you. Mark my words the day will come where you would die for your child.

I thought I didn't love my Dad much as I'd never really had to. But when he was terminally ill I have never felt such love and determination to protect him till his last breath. Sometimes we don't know we love someone but we do. Over the years with my children the love has grown and grown. I can now say I would walk through fire, die the most painful death, basically do anything I can yo protect them. 3 years ago I felt similar to you!

I know when I had DS, I had all sorts of bother with not being able to breastfeed. I went to a midwife baby cafe for months, where they kept a close eye on me. This was because I'd had IVF, which was enough for them to know I was higher risk for PND.

Do be kind to yourself.

I think some women have that chemical rush of "love" for some/all of their DC, I think far more have that slow burn love.

I think what the op describes is pretty normal tbh.

This thing about not giving up your life for him, could it beaway of saying that you continue to matter too?
That's OK OP. Hopefully you can keep you both safe and have lots of good times together over the years?
I noticed too you talked about your partner being perfect ... just thinking in RL maybe no-one and no situation is perfect?
Maybe don't go for perfect so much in your life, in yourself or in others.
Just go for good enough and enjoy as much of it all as you can? x

Exactly what Springer said,word for word.

I think there are loads of different ways of loving your children. Some people are quite vocal about the depths and breadths of their love and that's fine, but sometimes I think it can make the rest of us feel a bit lost. When I had my first child it threw my lovely, orderly world into disarray and I wasn't prepared for it. At the time I think I jumbled up some of my feelings about how I felt about my new life and role with how I felt about her. Perhaps you are doing something similar? Becoming a mum is a massive and crazy thing - no matter how much you fantasise about having kids or yearn for them, I don't think you are ever ready for the reality of it. Maybe it is simply the difference between the fantasy and reality that is getting to you?

I did not feel overwhelming love for either of my children at first, I gave birth to ds and was surprised I didn't instantly fall in love, I beat myself up over it and at 8 months I was diagnosed with PND, I can honest say it took till he was 18 months before I could actually have the love that I felt I should have had from day one, I think the fact I used to beat myself up made it worse by trying to force something that wasn't there. DD was around 12 months before I felt 'that' love.

My eldest is now a teenager and it hasn't done us any harm, I am close to both kids and would die for them in a heartbeat.

Tbh i dont have much positive to say u may be happy but saying you wouldnt die for your baby indicates theres an issue im
Sorry but thats concerning and possibly
You need to seek help

I just think that if there was a gun pointing to my head, I wouldn't be able to say shoot me sad I don't even know why I'm thinking about it

D'you know what I think this is - anxiety, caused by your great love for your child.

You are worrying that you wouldn't be able to save him in his time of need. Like any gunman has ever said "Oh OK then madam, if you insist" and shot the Mum instead.

So your worry actually is "what if someone was threatening him and I couldn't protect him?" Which is perfectly normal.

I used to torment myself with "what ifs" Still do tbh. With the recent dreadful events in Nice, I found myself thinking "What if my instincts kicked in and I got myself out of the way instead of shoving the DCs out of the way" - I had three goes at typing that because even doing that feels like a betrayal and the very thought gives me such horror. But the thing is, I worry about letting them down every day. Because I love them. And I think that it's the same with you - that you are worried about letting him down, because you love him.

I didn't feel this either about my third child, who happened to be a boy. But over the years, he's soon to be 15, I would do anything for him, just like his two older dear sisters.

Agree, it sometimes takes time. When it does happen, it's a beautiful late bonus. And equally overwhelming.

I think the problem here is that you are obsessing about something that you assume other people think about and would have a clear answer to.

All I can say is that at 10 months, you don't know him yet. I have enjoyed motherhood more and more as mine have got older (now teens) because I know them, because they are them, and separate from me.

I did have a touch of PND and part of that meant often analysing whether I was good enough. Recently (mine are teens) I was watching some videos of me with mine as a baby and toddler, and bloody hell, objectively speaking I did all the right things. I was doing pretty well, even though I do say so myself. There was great smiles, eye contact, I was responsive. My toddler appeared to really love me. And me him

At the time, though, I was tired (very), anxious a lot of the time, and finding it a bit of a struggle.

Don't compare your insides to other people's outsides

All will be well

"This thing about not giving up your life for him, could it beaway of saying that you continue to matter too?"

That's a really interesting way of looking at it Juggling

I agree what you describe does sound like it might be anxiety based. These sayings like "I would die for my child" aren't based on reality, statistically you are not likely to have to die for your child. You may be putting a lot of pressure on yourself with these unrealistic thoughts. Perhaps your job is also likely to cause you to see more dangers than other jobs. Nobody tells you how terrifying it is to be responsible for a baby. My mother enjoyed the phrase "I would walk in front of a train for you girls" but in reality she was quite violent and detached a lot of the time, despite doing her best. I was telling a friend recently how that protective instinct just kicks in with your children, but actually, when I opened a sky light in my son's attic playroom and he pointed above my head and said "Look mummy, a huge spider!" I just turned and ran out leaving him there. (I did go back with the hoover). I'm not making light of this, just saying, reality and idealism are very different. You are doing your best. You can ring or visit the Samaritans in person and remain anonymous.