I wouldn't die for my child...

[user1468775161]

Hello, I'm really nervous about writing this. My son was born September 2015. I've always wanted children - I had names, pushchairs, etc. picked out (when I was a teenager!)

I have the perfect partner, so there's no issues there. He absolutely loves him; I love him too, but not as much as I thought... I know it sounds sad, but my expectations were so high. I wouldn't die for him. I don't feel like he's the baby boy that I waited patiently for. It's horrible... This tiny little human, a beautiful one at that, needs a mother that would die for him - why wouldn't I? Why doesn't he feel like he's mine?

I want to love him loads, but I just love him. He's 10 months now; nothing has improved. Why? I'm really not depressed, I'm actually really happy. I just feel like he's my friend's baby, not mine...

Help?

OP I truly get where you are coming from.
Sometimes I was surprised at my own kind of mediocre level of enjoyment or interest in ds. In hindsight I was in a crappy relationship at the time, and think I may have had a touch of postnatal depression.

Now, at 3.5 years old, I finally feel that intense love for him. It's only in the last 6-12 months that I've really found my feet with being his mum, and now I am truly at the point where I could burst into tears at the thought of his little face, or feel like my heart is going to explode at the thought of something bad happening to him.

I don't think everyone has the same experience of motherhood at all. Even now, if I talk to friends with small babies and they express that intense 'would die for' level of love, I kind of secretly think 'really?! You barely even know your baby yet? And they're such hard work !!'

I didn't bond with my DS straight away. It took a good few months to really adore him, even though he was an angel baby.

DD was a devil child. Didn't sleep for 3 years. The moment I laid eyes on her, I knew what all the fuss was about. It was instant, all-consuming love.

I love them just as much as each other now of course, but it grew over time with DS.

I had an appalling, three-day labour with DS - all the intervention and ended up with a spinal and forceps. I was so out of it by the end that when they placed a bundle of fabric on me I asked what it was. Your baby, they told me. He had also swallowed a lot of fluid and needed some procedures which was scary.

DD's labour was about 2 hours in total, no intervention (other than having my waters broken as she was late) and she was robust and healthy. I was totally aware of everything going on. I think that made an enormous difference.

So, what I'm saying is: it will come. DS recently did his safety badge at Beavers and came home most concerned we had no fire assembly point set up. I had to point out that in the event of a fire I wouldn't be waiting for him in the front garden - I'd be getting my babies out or dying in the process, and nothing on this earth would stop me. You will feel the same OP, I promise.

And I agree it's worth speaking to someone about potential PND. I wish I had, but like you, I felt happy enough, just detached from my baby.

OP - my DC are 6&4 and I still don't know if I'd say "shoot me". I love them and think they're pretty cool & amazing but I love me too! A year or so ago, I found myself randomly musing that, now, I would run out in front of a car to save them but that would be in the hope that I would survive too. A gun...knowing I would die...still not so sure. I think I most probably would say "shoot me" but the main reason for this would be because I think the survivors guilt would be hideous. To be honest, I think I'd try & negotiate so we all survive but would so annoy the gun man that he'd shoot us all.

I loved my children from birth, i wanted to look after them, and wanted them safe etc. But i didn't feel the way i feel now for them till they were both over 1yo. Probably about 18mo. When they were talking and had a personality. That's when i fell in love with both of them with every fibre of my being.

With ds1 i was worried but then it was the same with ds2 so i thought 'ah i'll just wait'. and sure enough it happened exactly the same. Babies under 1 are quite non descript and hard to bond with i find.

Is there anyone you would die for? How does your love for them feel?

Love is obviously an emotion we feel but as a concept it is quite intangible, how was the love you anticipated meant to feel? I imagine you were expecting the gush that people talk about - but you aren't in their heads to understands how that experience is for them, and many talk of a slow burning love that increases in time and as their dc grows in to a toddler, tbh am not sure if I had a gush - was too knackered :)
There is no right or wrong way - it will be what it will be and one day you will realise that the idea of not having your dc will fill you with dread and sadness, in fact the would I die for him test may not show your true emotion, you do not know how you would feel in such a situation.
Personally I think you've set an expectation long ago and should to measure your feelings against a romanticised image of what you expected, you are doing fine, try and enjoy him as worrying about it will not help.

koala i could have written that post verbatim! Give it time OP and definitely talk to someone if you can.

As so many others have said, I think you're judging yourself too harshly and expecting too much. Someyimes it's hard to know how much you love something until it comes to a crunch point. I felt similarly about one of my children until DC went missing one day. DC was found safe and well but in that time I knew true terror and realised my feelings were just as strong as I had always known they were for the others. How you feel is fine, there's not always an overwhelming sense I don't think, and everything you've said about your DC has been positive and caring.

Ive always been aware im a bit stepped back in my love. For example (haven't got a baby one yet -expecting) i was really worried that I didnt feel the depth of affection for my new cats after my old one died. Then one went missing for a few days and i was grieving and hysterical. Much to my own surprise! Itsnot that i dont love its just that it doesn't burn within me everyday. Youd never guess from the outside. I suspect itll be the same with the baby. Plodding love.

I haven't read through all previous posts but a couple of things. One is that of the people I know who have had babies, it's the ones that were 'least prepared' and most organised that struggled most ie they had a perfect picture of motherhood and it didn't meet up to this. A few of them were diagnosed with postnatal depression.
Also what you describe sounds like quite normal anxiety. After DS was born I'd constantly think about bad things happening to him, or what could happen to him. Like we lived in a tenement flat and I'd have visions of him crawling out the door and over the balcony...and that kind of thing happened a lot. Now I often panic about him running out in the road and getting knocked down. I think it's the sense of responsibility that can be overwhelming ie what would you do and could you stop it happening. It's just a different form yours is taking. I'd give it time.

PND despite the name isnt always about being very depressed it can be shock or dissasociation as well. I felt very disconnected for the first months of my babys life. I think i was in shock due to a very traumatic labour, everything felt sort of like it wasnt real and deep down i felt like the baby wasnt mine. This did get alot better with time but i did have help from my GP and the mental health crisis team. Its worth talking to your doctor or health visitor about how you feel even if its just for reassurance that you will probably not feel this way forever about your child. xxx

If I feel a bit overwhelmed/stressed/or life takes a turn that I don't quite no how to deal with I do tend to shut down a little or a lot depending, not something I choose, it's a coping mechanism, the result is i can feel disconnected and feel I should be feeling something but I don't, in my case it is temporary and rights itself over time... Gradually! OP you may be experiencing a similar thing. Different people deal with major life events in different ways and are overwhelmed by different things. Having a chat with a professional could help you as this is obviously bothering you.

Did you have a smooth pregnancy? I felt an instant bond with my firstborn, but my second was conceived after an ectopic pregnancy and just after a potentially life changing genetic health diagnosis for me, which left me so convinced something was going to go wrong that I never really believed there'd be a healthy baby at the end. I suspect I never really dared allow myself to love him immediately and it took a good 2 or 3 years before I felt a bond with him.

My eldest was 7 weeks prem so I had a strange 5 weeks 'visiting' him in the prem baby unit, which involved about 90 mins each way on the tube every day. Far from bonding, I got increasingly distant - the memory of the birth faded but I had no baby. (In those days kangaroo care was unheard of - you just peered through the sides of an incubator). I really don't think I had PND. It did not improve when I got home - I cared for him, loved him (I think) but all fairly mechanical. It took until he was two and a half and I lost him in a busy department store just before Christmas (I'd let his hand go and he wandered off between racks of clothes.) I went into blind panic, sobbing projectile tears and unhelpfully screamed the place down and it took half the staff to calm me down. He was found about 5 minutes later just a few yards away but that was honestly the first time I had that visceral, all-consuming mother-love I had expected from day one. I guess I was making up for lost time! After that, we had a totally different relationship. I bonded with the next 4 from day one. Just give it time - you are NOT abnormal in any way - lots of new mums feel like this.

'Most people don't fall in love at first sight - it happens with your baby too. A midwife told me this, and it helped a lot. Love grows over time and the caring for a helpless little person; perhaps you are being over anxious about your perceived lack of intense feeling .

Talk to a trusted professional - and stop beating yourself up. Enjoy being a mum.

Fake it till you make it.

No you aren't weird I felt like this for ages with one of mine as a baby. Until she was ill (gastroenteritis) and I panicked and it kind of hit me like a ton of bricks how much I loved her and would die for her. It was very random and I can't explain it. I've never told her.
I was depressed but I actually disassociate from things that are scary or overwhelming - and people. It's what I do

Go talk to someone though, try understand things

I think it's normal, lots of mums don't get that instant 'I'd die for you!' Love straight away. I had my son and kind of thought 'oh hello there' no emotions at all really. A few months later we had a crisis and that's when it really hit me. If nothing is threatening you or baby it's easy to just plod along but if something does happen that's when you realise how much you would give for your child. In my experience anyway X

OP re your job etc and any likely repercussions. Folk here are advising you to talk to someone. My professional experience leads me to be cautious about who you choose. If you are misunderstood the red flag re your ability to provide adequate care may be raised. I'd suggest you talk to your GP and ask for a referral for counselling rather than the HV who because of the nature of her work is usually on the lookout for problems.Stress that you love your DS to bits but feel you need the counselling because of other issues which have arisen. Better still, if you can afford it, get private counselling, also preferable because you won't need to wait.
Good luck

I've had four; one I felt a bit detached from (probable PND); two of them were nice enough, I loved them in a gentle sort of way; one of them I had the thunderbolt with, absolutely like falling in love at first sight.

Of course, now they are all a bit older, and I definitely love them all the same. The "in love" thing was gorgeous. It was a gift. But it has made no difference long term.

I'm quite new here so not used to posting. I feel compelled to add a few thoughts having just read this thread. I have a lovely friend who used to say exactly the same as OP if this conversation ever came up. Then her son woke up in the middle of the night screaming in pain with a rash and high temperature. Thankfully they rushed him to hospital where he was quickly diagnosed with a form of meningitis. He made a complete recovery and from then on my friend felt she would give her life for her son having nearly lost him. I sometimes think the old saying you don't know what you have etc is often true. Op you sound like a wonderful mum and expressing your feelings shows you are just human and doing your best. I also agree with everyone who has said if you are concerned talk to your GP.

In conversation with other parents I find myself constantly irritated by their.... My life/child/husband/home is so perfect that I wonder 'what is wrong with me' as I don't feel like that at all about any aspect of my life then I realise that actually I'm the sane one and those other parents are just trying to convince me that their life is so perfect and so much better than mine when actually were all just muddling through.... You do live your DS, probably as much as those others do, you are just honest and don't try to use your child as an ego boost..... 'I must be amazing as I made this amazing child' ..... Yeah but it's nappies still stink!!

So true Jussa. All we can do is muddle through knowing we are doing our best. We sometimes get it right, we sometimes get it wrong then learn from our mistakes. The important thing is to realise those who appear to have it all often have things going on behind closed doors many of us could never cope with. I know this from our local playgroup where there was a mum who gave the impression she thought she was perfect, as were her kids and to be honest she secretly annoyed me. I shared this feeling with another mum who said, I understand why you might feel like that because of her immaculate house, huge car, perfect hair, make-up and figure etc and always liked her children to have the best of everything. Did you know her two children both have cystic fibrosis and that's the way she copes. Needless to say I never knew as she never spoke about it and the children were well controlled. It also reminded me never to judge mums who appear perfect cause we never know the whole story.

I think you should talk to your GP, just because you don't feel depressed doesn't mean you aren't suffering from some sort of PP.

Before having DD1 I had built up this entire, Calvin Klein-esque fantasy of us all wearing crisp, white linen as I basked in magical bubble of euphoria...

In reality I got PND, quite severely, and wanted to just quietly leave DD1 behind at the hospital. She could have been anyone's baby, she certainly couldn't be mine.

Thankfully my HV spotted something was wrong and within a month I was started on ADs. Over the next weeks and months I slowly fell in love with DD1.

Nowadays, the love I feel for her is fierce and primeval in its intensity, and I tevel in it and never, never take it for granted because I know what it is like to feel nothing.

I would die for both DDs without hesitation.