I wouldn't die for my child...

[user1468775161]

Hello, I'm really nervous about writing this. My son was born September 2015. I've always wanted children - I had names, pushchairs, etc. picked out (when I was a teenager!)

I have the perfect partner, so there's no issues there. He absolutely loves him; I love him too, but not as much as I thought... I know it sounds sad, but my expectations were so high. I wouldn't die for him. I don't feel like he's the baby boy that I waited patiently for. It's horrible... This tiny little human, a beautiful one at that, needs a mother that would die for him - why wouldn't I? Why doesn't he feel like he's mine?

I want to love him loads, but I just love him. He's 10 months now; nothing has improved. Why? I'm really not depressed, I'm actually really happy. I just feel like he's my friend's baby, not mine...

Help?

When I had DS1 I did not get the instant rush of love. I spent the first year of going through the motions and as others have said, the deeper love is now there (he is 12yrs).

With DS2 the instant love was there and I was crazy about him straight away.

I however feel that I have a stronger bond with DS1. Please don't worry or analyse your feelings. The love you have for him right now is enough.

What not yoda said

Love comes in all sorts of forms. And I also agree with the pp who said about just caring for the baby as best you can, because it's hard to love them if you don't know them. But you will come to know them in time.

Small children are beyond exhausting on so many levels. Please don't beat yourself up over some hypothetical game of 'if I loved them enough' chicken. Who knows what the hell you will do. Don't forget that YOUR survival instinct is in overdrive too at the moment, because in the 'wild' a baby wouldn't last very long without mum. Nature needs you to survive too.

And 'don't compare your insides to other people's outsides'

Is pure genius. So, so true.

I never had the rush of love either and questioned how I felt about my baby. However when dc ended up in hospital at a few mths old with suspected meningitis I was devastated and realised I actually did love dc way more than I realised! Turns out I had pnd so maybe it's related.

Very few of us thankfully have to ever die for our children. AND leaving them motherless would not be ideal. AND in some scary post apocalyptic situation then actually dying and leaning them alive but alone may not even be the kindest thing.
Really, stop obsessing about a strange saying some people use to poetically express their personal feelings and just enjoy your own personal relationship developing without worrying about comparing yourself to an ideal.

As Pp have said it really is a chemical thing to begin with. I have definitely felt differing degrees of attachment to mine after birth. One I remember thinking was the most gorgeous baby I'd ever seen, yet photos now reveal quite a normal looking baby! Another one I felt a bit meh about yet love like crazy (and would do anything for)now.one I felt overly joyful and possessive immediately, which actually made me very anxious. I think motherhood is blown up to be this huge joyful over shared event now.
Its very brave of you to admit your feelings, you may just be one of those who will enjoy the older years. Babies can be a bit boring sometimes can't they?
If you are attending to your child's needs, they won't notice anything else, and you will more than likely grow into your role.
It strikes me that you are worried enough to question it though.

Or a daily fail journo looking for day pickings. Hope not!

So we have a saying in adoption 'fake it until you make it'.

I know he's your birth child, but when you adopt you don't get the whole rush of love, riding into the sunset thing. You don't know the child /baby and suddenly they're yours and you are mummy / daddy. It's overwhelming and depression is common. People often assume it's the same as a birth child, you instantly love them, but you don't. Just in the same way you don't love your partner the moment you meet - real love is a case of getting to know someone. You might fancy a stranger or feel an intense connection but it's not love. Love is much, much deeper and takes time to grow.

At 10 months old let's be honest, babies aren't that interesting. They are primarily takers, even if they are very placid and sleep well. That's how it is. As they grow up a bit more it changes. Not everyone is a baby person. I'm not. I have quickly found I preferred kids 3+ (Or even 5+ but I'm not there yet!). When you're not enjoying a stage at all it can feel very...underwhelming. And the fantasy of parenting is most definitely not how it really is. It's something of a lie we tell ourselves - listen to things expectant first time parents say then check back in with them 18 months later. Generally what they thought and what they experience are rather difervent, both negatively and positively.

This 'take a bullet' thing is much like the passionate in love feeling you are supposed to feel with you're one and only.

Love isn't about dying for someone, it's about being there every second to share their lives and doing things for them no matter how you feel.

It will get better, and I am quite certain your love for your son will grow and become so deep, but until then keep plodding on. Keep acting love even if you're not feeling love. It does come. I didn't know when I'd love my kids in those early months, but I love them fiercely now. They still irritate me mind, but the love I feel is very deep. If you do feel depressed in any way then please get help, it isn't anything to be ashamed of and the stats for depression with parents are very high. I'm on a lose dose of meds and plan to be for a long time, I know I need them.

I have the impression as dingdongdigeridoo. I didn't have any illusions about what I would feel as a mother, in fact I was really nervous about what kind of mother I would be and told my friends that if I wasn't a good enough mother, I would try to find my baby someone who would be. Fortunately I bonded really well with my baby as it sounds like you have too, OP, just that you were expecting some illusory feeling.

OP when I had dc1, I had PND (which I know now you don't have so bear with me :)) PND means that I didn't bound with my DC. What you described, I did too.
And it's not just that I didn't love him 'enough', I actually sometimes was dreaming of him dying (:(:() or someone taking him away because I just couldn't cope.

Move on a few months when I finally got better and realised how bad things were. So I decided to do my best to love him and to feel that rush of love everyone had been talking about.
I did what Rachel said aboout adopting a child 'Fake it until you belive it' (Found reading some threads on adoption on MN btw)
That was THE best thing I've ever done. It took time, I won't lie, but then I was in much harder place than you. But a few years down the line and I could say wo doubt that yes I love my DC with all my heart.

It didn't "click" for me until DS was 4 years old. Quite a taboo subject (though improving) to admit one is ambivalent about their baby. Babies are at base level, boring. Far more interesting as mentioned, when their personalities start to shine.

Don't feel bad or put pressure on yourself to feel this well documented "rush of love". Feed, clothe, keep warm, change nappies, ensure sleep and snuggle. That's plenty. Time enough for all the other stuff to seep in.

You're doing fine and do you know how I know? Because you cared enough to post. That speaks subconscious VOLUMES

I felt the same OP. I expected a rush of fierce protective love, but it never came. In fact, after 2 weeks I asked my mum to take him as I thought she would look after him much better than me. The euphoria never happened and neither did much bonding. He was a whiny little bugger, which didn't help, but he slept pretty well so it wasn't sleep deprivation. I also had a relatively quick and easy birth so it wasn't that either.

I did have post-natal depression though, and I wish I hadn't left it so bloody long to ask for help. Second time around I was totally prepared for it, and even though it didn't happen again, I felt better knowing I had a strategy in place.

He's an adult now, and I don't think I've ever had a "die for you" moment with either of them. I grew to love him, but it was a slow gradual thing, not a bolt from the blue.

I think your work would be surprisingly understanding; because it has a name (PND) and is situational, I think they would be happy you were seeking treatment rather than trying to plough on regardless and risk getting worse rather than better.

Good luck and sympathy!

OP, truly, what everybody else said.

I have 3 DSs, never once had the fables 'rush of love' at birth, was never depressed but just did not enjoy looking after babies/toddlers all that much. The older they became the more I found myself enjoying them, their company, marvelling at their development etc.

I really don't get the whole mother lion defensive of their young thing - I AM on my kids' side, my love is unconditional, but I do know that they have weaknesses or character flaws and I will not automatically assume that my special snowflake had nothing to do with another child crying or whatever. I love them for what they are, not for some idealised version of the perfect child or whatever.

My impression from what you are writing is that you (and I was very unhappy about this as well for a while) are a victim of how motherhood/parenthood is being missold all the time: the aforementioned rush of love, the 'dying for your child', the all encompassing pre-occupation with your child at all times, the idea that a life would be somehow less worthy or had less meaning without a child etc etc - all sticks to beat us up with. And I think women/mothers are more vulnerable to taking all this crap on board for some reason.

Fake it till you make it is great advice - keep on trucking, spend time with your child, don't feel guilty that he is not the be all and end all ALL of the time, and the rest will come.

NB I love that I have been able to express similar thoughts in the safety of an anonymous internet forum - thank you, MN. I seriously thought I am lacking some kind of 'mothering gene' or summat

PND can hit at any time in the first year OP and as I'm assuming you're not a doctor you may not know if you do/don't have it. I don't think it's a condition that you just feel depressed, it's common for mothers to not bond, not feel connected their child. Have a talk with your doctor. You sound like a totally normal mum of course, it took me ages to bond with my baby after EMCS. I still know what you mean about not dying for your child! It's a weird and contradictory thing to judge your love!

Yes, Pacific

I think MN is great for this sort of thing

Thank you for these comments. I actually really like the baby stage, I found him lovely to cuddle (as a newborn) but fun to watch as he crawls around/tries food/learns to walk, etc. I just worry that I don't love him enough, he's definitely fun and I enjoy him, but like I'm just looking after someone else's child. Really nice to hear about how it's normal thank you, I feel a lot better.

User if you know your child is:
Nurtured
Fed
Loved
Cleaned
Rested
Dressed
Happy
Healthy
Protected
Then you know he is getting what he needs. The connection will come. If you find you can't fulfil this list then you need to be honest with someone. That's what I told myself every day at the beginning: she's happy and healthy. Now I love her so much I could cry if I think about it too much.

A lovely post from SpringerS on page 1, and lots of other thoughtful posts above.

OP, you seem really unsettled. On your other thread you talk about how your mother has cancer and how desperately you want to move your family, DH's job, children's school, your job, to be with her. Whether you call it depression or not, you have a lot to deal with. You seem to be very anxious about a lot of things. I hope reading the posts on here gives you some relief.

My advice, fwiw, would be to try to take your attention away from what you feel or don't feel for your baby (like others on here, I think you probably do feel all the love you need to feel to look after your baby and keep him safe) and to try to tackle what it is that's making you feel so anxious and unsettled. One thing at a time Good luck.

I'm definitely not the same person I haven't got a mother with cancer, sorry...

Has he ever been ill? Could be you never had to face losing him?

I just want to echo, that this can be totally normal..... was for my firstborn definitely.

Before having children myself, I was the one that looked after others children, and who was asked to help get babies to sleep because I was so good at it...... I thought I would really take to being a mum brilliantly.

But when my firstborn arrived, it truely felt like I was looking after someone elses baby, and that they would come and take him to his real mum any time. I felt no real love for him, I cared and nurtured him, but that was it. I remember at around 6 months old, I felt like I really ought to feel love for him. But talking to others made me realise that that instant rush of love for your child when they are born, does not happen to everyone.

In the same way as some fall in love instantly with their partners, for others the love grows slowly over time. Neither is wrong or right, it is just how it happens.

For me I think it was around the 10 months mark, that I started to feel that, after all this effort I have put in looking after this child, I would be cross if someone took him away, but still did not feel what I thought of as love.

But now, 12 years on,,,,,, don't anyone try to hurt my lad, the mother tiger is there fully fighting. I love him with all my heart. It was a slow growing love, but no less real because of it.

To be honest, I do believe looking back retrospectively, I may have had post-natal depression, but it did not feel like it at the time, and it resolved with not intervention. But with the benefit of hindsight, it possibly would have helped to talk to someone about it.

Love will come, take each day and try to treasure them, they are precious.

OP, I frequently had a feeling of 'unreality'/'are these actually my kids' when mine were 2 y o (ds) & newborn (dd). I did struggle to bond a bit with DC2 as opposed to DC1. No reason really, or plenty of reasons, depending who you ask. I gather from other threads you have a lot to deal with right now, please go easy on yourself and never be afraid to ask for help. Mental health issues should be no more shameful than a broken arm, and there is help.

Hello. Sorry I haven't read the other posts. I have two children. The first conceiv after long term TTC and the second with IVF. Both very much wanted. When my eldest was born I wanted to have him adopted. I find that very hard to admit now (and rarely say it out loud). It was all so hard and I thought I'd made a terrible mistake. When my second was a young baby I felt like he was a stranger and a 'mystery'. Both times I had PND.

Now, you may not have PND (I definitely did). But I will say that I haven't really loved the baby stage with either of them. It's much easier to build a relationship as you can get to know their personalities. For me, I've definitely fallen in love rather than it being an immediate rush.

Good luck.

I think this post highlights the ideal we are sold as mothers is so damaging. I mean what on earth is a rush of love? I should imagine it's similar to the infatuation in new relationships, the joy of having somebody who you perceive as perfect etc. Real love comes with time. But you don't need to feel love to be loving, I don't feel loving at 4 am when my little one wets the bed but that instinct to help him powers through and off I go cleaning him and making his bed up clean. Feelings are fickle, alsorts or things like tiredness etc can affect the joy we get from an experience with a person. But we still always have a choice to love them.

OP I honestly think your stuck in bit of an obsessive thought, that's what anxiety does it attaches onto situations were doubt resides. After all you can't prove any situation until you face it cam you? Speak to your health visitor for advise, but the best way to deal with intrusive thoughts is to stop trying to answer whichever question of threat they pose.

Oh and in no way am I discounting the rush of love some mothers feel. But I do know that mature love Is very different. It's nothing to do with how a person makes you feel, it has many doubts but always prevails. After all, parents of adults don't gush with joy everytime they see their grown up kids and shower them with kisses and stroke their faces etc do they! Well most done ha

OP I'm so sorry! I just looked at the 1468 part of your number. Ignore my other post!

OP do you mind me asking if you had a "normal" relationship with your mum? As others have said there are many reasons why you feel like you do but your own mum/daughter relationship can be one of them.

When I had dd I felt exactly like you, it wasn't until she was about 6 months that I felt I loved her "properly" (whatever that is). My own mum left when I was 3 and I never had a good relationship with her and I think having my own dd brought up so many feelings that it effected how I was with my own dd.