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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask you for some harsh responses for getting over massive girl crush

40 replies

WhatTheFuckDoIDoNow · 17/07/2016 08:29

Hi all, have posted in relationships but feel I would benefit from a harsh AIBU style response! I am new to mumsnet but am not from the Daily Fail (wish I was as would be easier than this). Basically I have a massive girl crush on a female colleague. Both of us straight (or so thought) and are close work friends. I can't leave my job and it is a small department. How do I stop thinking about ripping her clothes off Grin? This has never happened to me before and I feel ridiculous Blush.

OP posts:
VashtaNerada · 17/07/2016 08:35

I think we need more info - are either of you in a relationship? Are you 100% certain she's not interested in women? If there's a good reason why you need to stop fancying her, all you can do is try to avoid spending time alone where you can, remind yourself of what a nightmare she'd be as a girlfriend (whether true or not!) and wait for it to pass.

Original poster
WhatTheFuckDoIDoNow · 17/07/2016 08:40

Sorry yes that would help. Both married (to men) with kids. Both happily married. We are close. I need it to stop at that. Not 100% certain no but I can't take it any further. Difficult to stop spending time with her without it being questioned - we work closely together, have occasional playdate a with our kids. Also she is my senior. What a mess :(

OP posts:
Noonesfool · 17/07/2016 08:43

Stop seeing her outside of work. Workplace affairs are a disaster. Irrelevant that she's a woman.

Try imagining that you are behaving like creepy Keith (apologies to any MNetters called Keith) from accounts.

Original poster
WhatTheFuckDoIDoNow · 17/07/2016 08:45

Ha! Creepy Keith is brilliant. This is why I posted in AIBU Smile

OP posts:
elQuintoConyo · 17/07/2016 08:47

Give yourself a slap.

Get your head put of fantasyland.

Imagine it's all come together like a Hollywood romance - now imagine how you have fucked up your kids, husband, career...

Grow up and walk away.

NothingIsOK · 17/07/2016 08:59

Maintain scrupulous distance at work. No play dates unless other parents are there as well.

Pretend she's a creep who's trying to get your attention, but you daren't offend, so have to be utterly beyond reproach whilst very clearly maintaining boundaries.

And probably have a wank now and again to indulge the wild sex fantasies.

GiraffesAndButterflies · 17/07/2016 09:05

I can't leave my job

If it's that or your marriage could you leave your job? Which it will be if you don't get a grip.

Original poster
WhatTheFuckDoIDoNow · 17/07/2016 09:06

Oh God Blush. Okay, keep it coming, I need to hear this. I'd like to point out that I have never cheated on DH except a drunken kiss long, long ago before we were married which he knows about. I don't intend to start now. Nothing I have tried that Blush. Other parents never there at play dates. Will change that.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhatTheFuckDoIDoNow · 17/07/2016 09:10

Sorry cross post Giraffes. Yes I would leave my job. In this economic climate I would prefer not to though so am hoping to get a grip first. Any more harsh responses? The harsher the better, I can take it I think

OP posts:
GiraffesAndButterflies · 17/07/2016 12:36

Write out all the consequences of an affair. In detail. What it would do to you, your OH, your DC. Your family. What your next Christmas would be like. What your DC would think of you when they grew up.

Read some of the MN threads about how single parents feel when their DC are with the NRP for the first time. And some where MNetters have discovered their DH is having an affair. Imagine doing that to your DH.

Don't just think "God yeah that would be so shit", actually imagine this in detail bit by bit. Think about what you would be left with at the end of it.

Original poster
WhatTheFuckDoIDoNow · 17/07/2016 13:56

Ok, this is good, I think I have a mini grip. Really don't want to lose a friendship with her or is that already gone? Anyone have any tips for remaining friends without the fancying bit? Can I go back to how it was before?

OP posts:
Noonesfool · 17/07/2016 13:59

No. Once those lust feelings get started, you can't switch 'em off.

You'll think you have.

But you'll be right back to being Creepy Keith inside a week.

Original poster
WhatTheFuckDoIDoNow · 17/07/2016 14:20

Sad I can't just bury them? Don't want to be creepy Keith but happy to repress and put feelings in a box if I can figure out how to keep the box closed. Is so bloody distracting and can't figure out what on earth has made me feel this way in the first place...

OP posts:
SayAGreatBigThankyou · 17/07/2016 14:23

Does she feel the same way?

Original poster
WhatTheFuckDoIDoNow · 17/07/2016 14:28

I don't know. She is cagey about her past. There is something but not sure if it is just friendship. We clicked instantly. Colleagues noticed. It's very obvious we get along. I sometimes wonder but no good can come of this. I don't think she does no, although am not 100% sure. It doesn't matter as I have a DH and kids and so does she.

OP posts:
fanniboz · 17/07/2016 14:29

OP the safest and healthiest thing for you and your family is to cut contact with this person. You can't bury your feelings or pretend they've never existed. That'll destroy you mentally and make life hell for you. It also doesn't fix the problem. Seeing her will just reignite those feelings again and again. If you really care about your family you need to stay well away from her - be professional at work and no more. Think of your kids, your husband, and do the right thing by them like you're supposed to

Noonesfool · 17/07/2016 14:32

Are you happy with your husband?

WhatsGoingOnEh · 17/07/2016 14:33

Oh, FFS! Now TWO threads on this? Jesus. Is this literally the only thing that has ever happened to you?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2666063-I-have-a-girl-crush-that-is-starting-to-be-a-bit-of-an-obsession?watched=1&msgid=62382545#62382545

LadyLayLay · 17/07/2016 14:35

I'd like to point out that I have never cheated on DH except a drunken kiss

Bit of a contradiction there. You have cheated. I don't understand why people say 'I've never cheated EXCEPT for this one time when I did'. Just admit it. Confused

Also, it doesn't sound like you're straight. I can't imagine that a straight woman would want to rip the clothes off a female colleague.

I think you have some thinking to do. There's nothing wrong with doing what you want to do, as long as it's done in the right way.

Surferjet · 17/07/2016 14:35

Op: get a grip fgs. Unless you look like Ruby Rose she won't be flattered, she'll just think you're a bit of an idiot.
Not that there's anything wrong with harmless crushes, anything that gets us through the boring working week helps right? but if your feelings are getting out of control it's a sign that your life is crap.
I'm sorry.

Original poster
WhatTheFuckDoIDoNow · 17/07/2016 14:35

Thanks for all responses, the harsher the better. Yes I am happy with DH. The odd annoyance of course, we disagree about discipline of the kids sometimes, that kind of thing. But he's my best friend, I still fancy him (although with 2 youngish kids romance is admittedly not always top of the agenda). That's why I can't figure out why I am thinking of someone else

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 17/07/2016 14:43

This thread is a mix between 'excited teenage girl' and 'creepy from creepsville'.

You've basically started (another) thread just to sit and gush about it all.

You know no-body here is going to be able to give you a magical answer.

Apart from perhaps grow up?

Original poster
WhatTheFuckDoIDoNow · 17/07/2016 14:49

Ok, I have well and truly been handed a grip which is what I needed. You are all correct of course, I will grow up and detach.

OP posts:
AdjustableWench · 17/07/2016 14:56

Cutting contact is an approach that can work...

Another is: telling her !!! (The consequences of this approach can be tricky.)

Or: try to figure out what you want to rip off her clothes, especially if you're usually straight. It might be significant that she's your senior. For example, you could understand it as a case of transference: your sexualised feelings for your colleague are really a sort of cover for unresolved conflicts between you and a parent figure, probably your father. (This takes all the fun out of it, but it's quite effective.)

mix56 · 17/07/2016 14:57

You are going to have to explain this to her unless you change jobs & stop seeing her. If she goes "er no I'm not into that", then you'll have the knowledge that it can't happen.