Am I soft or is DH living in fantasy land?

[Playduh]

DS - three, been told by both parents that we can have the paddling pool out.

He's been waiting relatively patiently as I unpack shopping and DH makes coffee.

DH takes his coffee into garden, enthusiastically followed by DS.

DH sits down. DS starts asking for paddling pool. DS has waited about fifteen minutes now (he's three). DH says no, starts drinking coffee and reading paper.

I'm now making food for a party we are having this afternoon. DS now crying hard and comes in to ask me to put up pool.

I suggest DH put pool (five minute job with the hose and electric pump) up now and relax after when DS is happily playing in the thing.

Massive tantrums now coming from DH and DS, party food not making itself.

Apparently I am bossy, indulgent, a martyr and constantly undermine DH's parenting.

AIBU to go to into town and hide, leaving the two of them to it?

Pearlman - sorry if the concept of good parenting is hard for you to understand. But some of believe passionately in it.

And some get so wound up on making their golden child the center of the universe they lose all common sense.

The family breadwinner wanted to sit and finish his coffee for a few minutes. Kid needs to learn to delay gratification. Win-win.

My neighbor's 3 yr old twin granddaughters were over yesterday, outdoors most of the time (lakeside cottages) -they had to wait often for promised activities such as swim, boat ride, food, going for walk. No tantrums. They understand that they are only one facet of a busy household that includes three generations of other people. Very calm, charming little girls. Not spoiled whiners.

Sounds like something my dh would do. Selfish idiot.

'Family breadwinner' ouch. If I was the OP I'd consider that a low blow.

'Family Breadwinner'! Fuck off!!!!





Talk AIBU?
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to think that if you host a pool party on a hot day ...32Show OP
Today 11:13 BeyondBeyondBeyondBeyondBeyond

Joff has a point, you are more aware of keeping out of the sun/keeping covered if you know you have no lotion on.

Today 11:14 sorenofthejnaii

I think it can be hard for DC to know they are burning until it's too late.

If you asked a whole lot of children who were having fun and who had put their cream on if they were ok and not burning, you'll probably get told they're fine.

Avoiding mid day sun and staying in the shade is a better option - even if you've applied lotion.

Today 11:16 clam

How do you know the host didn't check they had sunscreen on? And if she did, your dd would have said that yes, she did and that she'd reapplied it.
What more could the host have done? Sunburn doesn't usually show up until it's too late anyway.

A 12year old should have been able to ask for the loo herself. And also a drink too.

Today 11:16 sorenofthejnaii

you are more aware of keeping out of the sun/keeping covered if you know you have no lotion on

Exactly. Sometimes lotion can give you a false sense of security and children are not often going to feel they are burning.

But it's hard to go inside / stay in the shade if your friends are outside having fun. Peer pressure and all that.

Today 11:17 plimsolls

joff has another point in that I'm sure I've read that applying too little sun cream is worse than not applying any at all. Apart from the "false sense of security" thing, I'm sure there's something about the dangers of suncream when it's only partially absorbed. Something to do with refracting light. I don't know.

I just always make sure I slather it on liberally and make sure it sinks in well.

My dad, though, is convinced sunscreen leads to skin cancer. I don't think he's right.

Today 11:17 sorenofthejnaii

What more could the host have done

Suggested that part of the party could be in a shaded area for at least some of the time?



So just because he is the family breadwinner he gets to sit on his arse whilst his wife prepares for the party. That in itself is bad enough.
However, it would also appear that he agreed to the paddling pool but when it came to it probably thought Sah wife would deal with it.
He is clearly a lazy entitled arse and no wonder many men are like this because they have even complete strangers on the internet treating them like god as they are the breadwinner .


Massive paste fail

LilacInn - you appear to be suggesting that the OP is an over-indulgent mother with a spoiled brat of a child. Can't say I see any evidence of that at all. perhaps you could enlighten us all by pointing out the salient words?

Kid needs to learn to delay gratification. Win-win.

Lilacinn: I find your use of the term breadwinner on this thread incredibly rude. A very low blow indeed.
However, moving on - if you read the thread you will find no one disagreeing with you that kids need to learn to delay gratification. It is indeed a fundamental skill to master. It is also poorly understood. Had he blown up the pool when he went outdoors with his son then his 3 year old son would indeed have had a good lesson in delaying gratification. As it was his experience would have made a poor contribution to learning such a vital skill.

My neighbor's 3 yr old twin granddaughters were over yesterday, outdoors most of the time (lakeside cottages) -they had to wait often for promised activities such as swim, boat ride, food, going for walk. No tantrums. They understand that they are only one facet of a busy household that includes three generations of other people. Very calm, charming little girls. Not spoiled whiners.

Again, you don't seem to understand what it means to teach delayed gratification. The socialisation of twin girls is very likely to have included many more opportunities, intended or otherwise, for them to practice it. Also, it's unfair to compare children on such snippets as one instance described on a forum. Perhaps the OP would be able to describe many times that her son has begun to display the ability to delay gratification, despite his dad sometimes demonstrating a complete lack of it. She was only asking for input in the one situation, not to compare her son to your neighbour's grandkids and find him wanting.

In the situation as described, her son waited patiently for fifteen minutes and then trotted into the garden expecting the pool to be put up only to find it either wasn't going to be at all or might be at some later point. It is fairly predictable that he would find this upsetting at his age in all but the most obedient or passive children or those who have mastered delayed gratification to a degree beyond their years. Let's not judge the child for being a child.

Delayed gratification is all very well (and it is) but wouldn't you enjoy your coffee a whole lot more if your child was giggling and having fun rather than just hanging around waiting on you?

Pearlman - no, I don't think anyone who disagrees with me is a bad parent. But those who understand the psychological development of children can distinguish good parenting from bad parenting. And persistent failure to meet the psychological needs of a child is deeply damaging.

In short, you are right. Your husband is wrong.

The poor man was sitting down having a cuppa for gods sake and was going to put the pool up when he was finished

Was he? I can't see any evidence from the OP that her DH was actually going to put up the pool.

My XH was constantly like this OP. We'll go to the park (30 second walk away) after breakfast, we'll let breakfast settle, I'll just have a coffee, it's nearly time for lunch, we'll let lunch settle, it looks like rain, it's nearly teatime, it's too late.....

Family breadwinner

You Dh must never have been solely responsible for animals as a child.
We knew from about 8/9 all animals are seen to before people (meaning us as kids and any adults) this being because they are dependent on us and can't feed/groom/clean out themselves. Same rule applies to babies and small children, no matter how you fancy a cuppa and the paper, you see to babies and small children first and animals so that you can then have some peace and quiet to have a cuppa and read. Priorities!

The family breadwinner wanted to sit and finish his coffee for a few minutes

Ah now come on.
I hope you're not serious.

What happened here was a case of the lord of the manor needing so much affirmation of his position, and so much acknowledgement of how superior he is to everyone else he lives with that he decided to play mind games with a three year old.

Pearlman - ah well, people are entitled to their opinion. If you have no interest in encouraging psychological well-being then that's your choice.

Bang on mathanxiety.

Or he just wanted a cup of coffee.

Oh my fucking God!!!!! Family breadwinner!!!!!! I'm constantly winning fucking bread while my husbands at work. It's been raining constantly for weeks, the kids haven't had anything like a normal July save for this solitary week. The husband should've just held his coffee and pumped it up!! He's 3 and was so excited that he could finally play in the paddling pool - just blow it up!!!!! Kids need to wait, need to learn patience blah blah blah - it's a very few short years that kids get excited about a paddling pool!!!! He is 3!!!! Infuriating thread!!!!

Do people on here really, honestly spring to action every time their child asks for something?? NEEDS should me met straight away, e.g. a child who is hurt, needs the loo etc. Surely WANTS are different.
When I was growing up, if my mum was on the phone to a friend for example, and I wanted her to play with me, I would be told to wait until she was off the phone. I don't consider this to be child abuse! Nowadays, you ring someone with kids and they try to have a conversation with you while dealing with their kids (non-essential) wants at the same time. It isn't fashionable parenting to ask your kids to wait.

What I do find strange about Mumsnet though is the number of people on here who responded to a recent poster who wanted to speak at a (non compulsory) conference abroad and miss her child's first day at school, and most people on here thought that was fine. It seems that modern parenting according to Mumsnet basically means that you can work really long hours and not see your kids very much (and its fine to go abroad either for a holiday or for work and leave them), but when you do see them, they should be the axis on which the earth revolves. Most of the parents I know in real life aren't like this - they see plenty of their children, and therefore don't see the problem in not treating their kids like they are little gods.

Kids in the real world are quite often asked to wait while their parents are making dinner/in the bath/having a cuppa/whatever, and it doesn't seem to do the kids any harm.

Kids in the real world are quite often asked to wait while their parents are making dinner/in the bath/having a cuppa/whatever, and it doesn't seem to do the kids any harm.

Or, as explained by the OP in this instance, while the shopping was put away and the coffee made.

I'm not sure where this idea has come from that the OP's 3yo hadn't already done some patient waiting.