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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I soft or is DH living in fantasy land?

154 replies

Playduh · 16/07/2016 12:48

DS - three, been told by both parents that we can have the paddling pool out.

He's been waiting relatively patiently as I unpack shopping and DH makes coffee.

DH takes his coffee into garden, enthusiastically followed by DS.

DH sits down. DS starts asking for paddling pool. DS has waited about fifteen minutes now (he's three). DH says no, starts drinking coffee and reading paper.

I'm now making food for a party we are having this afternoon. DS now crying hard and comes in to ask me to put up pool.

I suggest DH put pool (five minute job with the hose and electric pump) up now and relax after when DS is happily playing in the thing.

Massive tantrums now coming from DH and DS, party food not making itself.

Apparently I am bossy, indulgent, a martyr and constantly undermine DH's parenting.

AIBU to go to into town and hide, leaving the two of them to it?

OP posts:
AuldYow · 16/07/2016 15:39

You are not undermining him as a father you are merely informing him of the correct way to proceed Wink

Once your DS is happy and settled then you/he can relax is it blinking common sense which many men can't grasp!

HopeArden · 16/07/2016 15:41

Time to go back to work, I think OP.
Then if he is still a lazy arse at least he won't be a lazy arse you have to depend on for money! Sah only works when there is respect and he values what you are conyributing to family life. As it is you are maing his life easier and he has come to expect it as his due. Time to change things

bakeoffcake · 16/07/2016 15:59

I too would have said very loudly "daddy will put the pool up once he's finished his coffee" and let H do it. I'd have also sent child outside while you got the party food ready and locked the door so H could put up with the tears on his own.

maxeffort0satisfaction · 16/07/2016 16:22

dh is a twat. he should've sorted the kiddy then he could enjoy his coffee in peace now everyone is upset. shitty arsehole lol.

diddl · 16/07/2016 16:26

I don't see why he shouldn't have finished his coffee tbh.

Sadly Op played into his hands by getting involved.

Topseyt · 16/07/2016 16:30

He could have drunk his coffee and read the paper outside while the paddling pool was filling up and he could see DS pottering around much more happily.

If I had had to put the pool up myself while I should have been making party food and DH was simply lazing around reading next to us I would have made sure I "accidentally" soaked both him and his precious coffee and newspaper with the hose.

pasanda · 16/07/2016 16:51

Your dh sounds like a knob.

And the 3 year old had already waited 15mins so it's not like he was demanding it straight away. Harshbuttrue - you really don't understand child development do you Hmm

harshbuttrue1980 · 16/07/2016 16:57

Pasanda, actually I do. I'm a teacher, and I also understand what happens when over-indulged "me me me" kids come through the schooling system. I suppose you don't think that the OP's DH understands child development either? Learning to wait, be patient and take your turn isn't something that just happens - it has to be encouraged. A child whose every whim is indulged will have a hard time at nursery or primary school. And that would be entirely the parents fault, not the child's fault.

The OP posted on AIBU with the question, "am I being too soft". I said "yes". If you only want your own views to be backed up, then maybe stay away from AIBU where some people are going to tell you that, actually, you ARE being unreasonable.

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 16/07/2016 17:00

I bet 'D'H wouldn't have just said 'No' to a client. I bet he would have either done the task being requested or explained when it would be done. ('Of course you can DS, I'm just going to drink my coffee while its hot, then I'll put it up'. No just 'no'.). Though I think it was mean to make him wait longer when he'd been good while waiting already.

Typical man though, a woman would have drunk their ciffee while putting the pool up & filling it.

Tell you DH he can have a BJ tonight, then keep telling him to wait...then after an hour tell him No 😁

TinklyLittleLaugh · 16/07/2016 17:01

harsh oh come on, 15 minutes is ages for an excited three year old. What does making him wait longer while Daddy reads his paper teach him? That he is pretty insignificant and adults are not to be trusted. That it's ok for someone you adore to be a bit mean to you.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 16/07/2016 17:02

Extra I am in awe of your evil genius.

pigsDOfly · 16/07/2016 18:01

So Harsh what is a reasonable time for a 3 year old to wait so he learns not to expect everything as soon as he wants it: 30 minutes, an hour, 3 hours?

He'd already been told the pool was going to be put up, he then waited patiently for 15 minutes and when his DF walked towards the garden and it seemed that his patience had paid off and the time had finally arrived for the pool to be put up he's told no, you have to wait a further indefinite amount of time until his DF has had the chance to sit in the garden, drink his coffee and read the paper.

How long was that going to be do you think? Weekend papers are packed with different sections, could have been another hour. Is that a reasonable amount of time for him to get the message? Seems pretty unfair to me.

HopeArden · 16/07/2016 18:39

Harsh, he's 3 not 13. Glad you are not my dc's teacher if you don't get that!

arethereanyleftatall · 16/07/2016 18:48

Yabu.

I don't think we should jump to the tune of a 3 year old.

Mind, I would either have not mentioned it till I was ready to put it up, or I would have told the child to go play from the beginning and that I'd call him once the pool was up.

BlackeyedSusan · 16/07/2016 19:18

waiting fifteen minutes is good for a three year old.

harshbuttrue1980 · 16/07/2016 19:21

Exactly, arethereanyleft!

A child is part of the family, not the orbit around which the whole family rotates. Hope, I share your gladness that I don't teach your child!!!
I do think DH could have given an explanation, "go away and play and I'll do it when I've finished my coffee", but I don't think a 3 year old should be ruling the roost. The poor man was sitting down having a cuppa for gods sake and was going to put the pool up when he was finished - not exactly child neglect.
Pigs, if he was in nursery he'd have to wait for plenty of things. Yes, he is 3 not 13... but he is also 3 years and not 3 months. He'll be in school next year - do you suppose the teachers will jump at his every request??

Original poster
Playduh · 16/07/2016 19:31

Hello.

Thanks for all the messages.

He is in nursery and he is used to waiting for things. I'll often tell him he can do something or have something only after he's had his lunch or a nap or whatever, he doesn't get everything immediately.

OP posts:
harshbuttrue1980 · 16/07/2016 19:39

I wouldn't have admitted that, OP - people will be on here in a few minutes saying you are a bad parent because 3 year olds can't be allowed to wait!! :-/ Of course children have to wait - if you are in the middle of cooking dinner and they want to play, they will be told to wait. If they want to have a snack at nursery they will be told to wait. Some of the posters above must run themselves ragged dropping everything at the whim of their kids.

What I do think is important is that your DH explains to your DS what the timeframe is - "in a few minutes, sweetheart, when I've finished my coffee, I'll give you a shout when the pool is up". I think people are eager to criticise men for their parenting on here, but if the OP had been finishing a chapter of her book or on the phone to a friend, then DS should have been told to wait as well.

RubbishMantra · 16/07/2016 21:27

" he doesn't get everything immediately"

^^ that wasn't the case though. 15 minutes to a toddler must seem like an age. I don't think YABU.

I like ExtraHotLatte's suggestion...

Highlandfling80 · 17/07/2016 01:44

Yes waiting 15 minutes is fine for a 3 year old. Than being told no is not fine. Sorry op he is selfish.
Hope the party went well.

WiddlinDiddlin · 17/07/2016 04:34

YANBU..

I would be hacked off if having waited patiently for something fun for 15 minutes I was then told no, and that I'd need to wait for a further, indefinite period of time, until the person 'felt like it'... and I am 36, not 3.

Waiting for fun stuff is hard, waiting for really exciting shit is really hard particularly when you have absolutely no control and zero ability to do it for yourself (something most people won't have to get to grips with once becoming adults, until they are very elderly but some of us unfortunately have to deal with much younger)...

Waiting for something thats really exciting, that you have already waited for, for a time period you cannot predict nor influence... thats bloody annoying!

Kallyno · 17/07/2016 05:29

Harshbuttrue: you may be a teacher but based on your interpretation of the OP you do not understand child development. Harsh but true. The three year old did wait "relatively patiently" while the shopping was unpacked and the coffee was made. I love coffee and the whole ritual of it so I know this won't have been 2 mins to boil the kettle and pour it on instant granules job. It's true that children need to learn to delay gratification but that is a gradual process that needs to be tailored to the child. Having waited relatively patiently the best follow through for teaching delayed gratification would have been to then blow up the pool because the child learns "I waited, it happened". But it seems that the dad has not yet mastered delayed gratification himself because he could not wait ten minutes to enjoy his coffee ritual and instead decided to expect further waiting from his three year old instead. I would expect a 5/6 year old to manage the further wait if she/he had been given an explanation and, crucially, if she/he had experience that the parent is trustworthy at follow through. When follow through is erratic or inappropriately delayed kids lose trust in the parent and struggle to learn to delay gratification because experience teaches them that "wait a while" is more likely to mean no or "so very much later" that frustration is inevitable. Don't confuse obedience for the ability to delay gratification.

Some of the points made about how parents fall into the trap of undermining each other and then having the continually undermined parent alienated from their parenting role are fair but not, as far as I can see, as applied to this situation.

OverTheRiver · 17/07/2016 06:11

Kallyno: Completely agree with you. Couldn't have said it better!

Harshbuttrue: Do you actually have children of your own? As in you've spent time on a daily basis with a 3 year old? As a teacher, surely you should understand that what you can expect from a 3 year old and say a 5 year old who's in school is very different.....

EverythingWillBeFine · 17/07/2016 06:47

Making your ds wait would have been ok IF he had been told something along the lines of 'I'm going to do it as soon as I have finished my coffee. What about you play with xx in the mean time?'.

On that pov, I think you both need to learn to be clearer in your Yes and No.

Your DH IBU because he is expecting your ds to just wait (that's not how toddlers works), was putting himself first with no regards of his ds and clearly had no intention to put up the pool. I really think he was just waiting for you to do it (See his NO answer 'I'm not putting it up' to his ds).

He might also need a reminder that when you say something, even to a 3yo, you keep to your word (eg if you say I'm putting the pool up, you DO it)

Having said that you have bigger problems than that but you know it :(

mathanxiety · 17/07/2016 07:01

It's not undermining. You can only be undermined as a parent if you are putting in an effort to parent. Capriciousness isn't parenting. It's bad behaviour and it will damage any child exposed to it.

He was passive aggressively telling you and DS what a big shot he is by doing the coffee drama and causing a problem for you by changing his mind about the pool (he said 'No' when DS asked if he could put up the pool, not 'When I've finished my coffee - which would have been stupid anyway) - so you had every right to pull him up on it. He caused a problem for you.

You are not bossy, indulgent or a martyr either.
Does this man like either you or his child?
I suspect he feels home life isn't half as much of a boost to his ego as his career is. Either that or he uses you and DS to repair any bruises his precious ego suffers at work. He has a lot of growing up to do.

I don't get the impression that you are happy with him. If that's the case, I don't blame you.

(Kallyno, you are absolutely right about how to teach a small child to wait).