Am I soft or is DH living in fantasy land?

[Playduh]

DS - three, been told by both parents that we can have the paddling pool out.

He's been waiting relatively patiently as I unpack shopping and DH makes coffee.

DH takes his coffee into garden, enthusiastically followed by DS.

DH sits down. DS starts asking for paddling pool. DS has waited about fifteen minutes now (he's three). DH says no, starts drinking coffee and reading paper.

I'm now making food for a party we are having this afternoon. DS now crying hard and comes in to ask me to put up pool.

I suggest DH put pool (five minute job with the hose and electric pump) up now and relax after when DS is happily playing in the thing.

Massive tantrums now coming from DH and DS, party food not making itself.

Apparently I am bossy, indulgent, a martyr and constantly undermine DH's parenting.

AIBU to go to into town and hide, leaving the two of them to it?

Your DH was being a bit U.

It would have made so much more sense to get the paddling pool out first, then supervise while he drank his coffee.

Your 3 year old had just gone round the shops on the promise of a paddling pool after, seems fair to get that out asap.

Pearlman, you have to be explicit to a 3 yo about your intentions. The DS asked him to put up the pool when he went out with his coffee. He said 'No'. Not 'I'll put it up when I've finished my coffee'. To me 'No' means 'The pool is not going to be put up.' I think a 3 yo of reasonable intelligence could understand that 'No' too.

You can't ask a child to wait until X happens before Y will happen, and then tell him after he has waited that Y isn't going to happen at all. Moving the goalposts is not fair and it is piss poor behaviour.

This man was being a tit, not parenting. He was behaving badly just because he feels he is entitled to and he has heaped opprobrium on his wife because he feels his entitlement to behave without regard for anyone else has been infringed.

He calls it 'undermining my parenting' and he claims he is some sort of victim here, but what he is doing is claiming a right to behave as if he has no responsibility to be a team player at home. He is expressing the opinion that everyone is obliged to give him special deference.

Most of all imo, he is expressing resentment that he must muck in and perform services he sees as beneath him for two beings he sees as inferior and not worthy of respect.

To me the worse thing about this is his apparent lack of response to the crying.

If our child cries I expect DH to care about that and do his best to resolve it or explain the situation. I don't expect him to just ignore it and let DC come crying to me.

I think DH was being mean and doesn't understand 3 year olds much. (I also think that even though Harshbuttrue might be a teacher, she obviously doesn't have much experience of 3 year olds).

It doesn't take long to put a paddling pool up if you have a pump and a hose - my DH would have had his coffee brewing while he pumped it up, then sat drinking it while the hose was filling it up. This could so easily have been avoided, and the DH could still have had his coffee. This isn't about the coffee, he just wanted to sit and read the paper and not bother doing what he'd promised his son. Weren't they preparing for a party, too? Who has time to sit down to read the paper while they're doing that?!

I think your DH needs to remember what being a child was like. I remember very clearly the childish frustrations of not being in control, the constant hypocrisy of adults, the unfairness of adults being allowed to break their word. 15 minutes is a long time to a small child; I remember being the child (perhaps a bit older than 3) and waiting for adults to finish doing something interminable, and the frustration if they didn't keep their word about something, especially if I had been "good".

Waiting for something timetabled (such as snack time at nursery) is one thing; but waiting for something without a definite time is harder. When my parents went to church (which I found incredibly boring), waiting for the end of the church service was easy, because that had a fixed time. But waiting for them to finish drinking coffee afterwards and chatting was a nightmare, because that didn't have a fixed time.

I agree also about wasting valuable sunshine - it's a crime in Britain.

One thing I always dreaded was if my mum met someone in the street she knew. She would then talk and talk and talk, while I would have to stand around patiently: it would probably only have been five minutes, but I remember how it felt like an eternity. (There was also the threat of being told off if I started to show impatience.)

It's true that learning to wait with good grace is important, but I do think it's unfair if adults don't keep their word. After all, we teach children that lying is a heinous crime (and then later we confuse the hell out of them by telling them that it's an important life skill).

It seems to me that the lesson this child has learned is that if daddy doesn't deliver instantly you can start crying and go to mummy and she'll do it AND be angry at daddy for you.

You could be storing up some not so ideal dynamics for the future there.

Pearlman I disagree with you. I believe a tantrumming child should always have it clearly explained to them why they can't have X,Y,Z and be treated with love and understanding. Offered a hug, offered their space if they need it while they get their frustrations out but ignored - no, we could never ignore our children being upset and blithely go on drinking a coffee with enjoyment. Thankfully it's a parenting style DH and I agree on.

Pearlman:
DH sits down. DS starts asking for paddling pool. DS has waited about fifteen minutes now (he's three). DH says no, starts drinking coffee and reading paper.

You can't just make up what he might have said to suit your theory, Pearlman.

'DH gets up and asks me what he's supposed to do about it.'

This had no quotation marks either, but it comes across as reported speech, verbatim, just as 'DH says no' did.

OTheHuge, what daddy did here was change his mind with no warning and with no reason offered, after the child had fulfilled his end of the deal.

I meant to add - that is the only dynamic that bodes ill for the future.

The child clearly has a sense of fairness, which can be built upon to produce a decent adult.

The father does not.

I think this depends largely on whether dh had said to your DS "I'll do the pool as soon as I have finished my cuppa" or was just ignoring his child. If the former I don't think it's unreasonable. But if he has just changed from yes you can have the paddling pool to no without an explaination then he is being totally unreasonable.

It's not pampering a child to keep your word. Surely it's good parenting to reward good behaviour so put the dam thing up while the little fella is happy and in good form and being patient. By letting it run on he has introduced strife, upset and disappointment. What is the point of that? Looking at the fruit of your actions is a sign of maturity and that df brought nothing except upset all round.
Harsh lm a teacher too and frustrating a child when he has already nicely waited 15 minutes is bad parenting. Letting something get into a nice family atmosphere is not a sign of good parenting and believe me won't teach that kid that waiting won't kill him but teach him that adults are mean and don't keep there word.

Their word!

Sorry but your dh sounds like a twat.

This is exactly what is being discussed on a thread in relationships.

As for your dh asking what is to be done about a bit of spilt juice- words fail me.

Perhaps next time have the party without the man child.

constantly undermine DH's parenting

Thing is, he wasn't parenting was he? He was having a cup of coffee and letting his child cry after telling him no after he had waited 15 mins.