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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I soft or is DH living in fantasy land?

154 replies

Playduh · 16/07/2016 12:48

DS - three, been told by both parents that we can have the paddling pool out.

He's been waiting relatively patiently as I unpack shopping and DH makes coffee.

DH takes his coffee into garden, enthusiastically followed by DS.

DH sits down. DS starts asking for paddling pool. DS has waited about fifteen minutes now (he's three). DH says no, starts drinking coffee and reading paper.

I'm now making food for a party we are having this afternoon. DS now crying hard and comes in to ask me to put up pool.

I suggest DH put pool (five minute job with the hose and electric pump) up now and relax after when DS is happily playing in the thing.

Massive tantrums now coming from DH and DS, party food not making itself.

Apparently I am bossy, indulgent, a martyr and constantly undermine DH's parenting.

AIBU to go to into town and hide, leaving the two of them to it?

OP posts:
Penfold007 · 16/07/2016 13:48

Your H is a lazy controlling bully but you already know that. When do you get to sit down with a coffee?

Redorwhitejusthaveboth · 16/07/2016 13:55

Fill the pool up yourself then drown him and his coffee and paper with the hose Grin

ScrambledSmegs · 16/07/2016 13:57

You can only undermine someone's parenting if they're actually parenting. It sounds like he wasn't. What he really did was have a bit of a strop because you putting the paddling pool up while he was titting about with his coffee showed him up.

I bet you REALLY want to have sex with him now, don't you OP? Tantrumming adults are so erotic.

NotQuiteSoOnEdge · 16/07/2016 13:57

She's not 'infantilising' her DH, he's doing that by himself.

A father, asking someone else what to do about juice in a paddling pool?! If he's intelligent enough to hold down his job then he doesn't need help solving a paddling pool problem. The fact that he went and asked her tells you all you need to know about him.

timelytess · 16/07/2016 13:58

I wouldn't have needed to tell my DP because 22 years and four demanding DCs have broken his spirit he is a lovely person who puts others first
Grin

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 16/07/2016 14:04

Your DH is a tit.

SolidGoldBrass · 16/07/2016 14:04

This man needs constant undermining, until he gets rid of the idea that earning the money makes him lord and master of the household.

ScrambledSmegs · 16/07/2016 14:04

Btw 15 minutes waiting time is a bloody long time for a 3 year old, especially when it comes to something exciting they've been promised. My DH would have been out there filling up the paddling pool within minutes, and the kids would probably have been in it before there was a millimetre of water. To be fair I'd have made him the coffee while he was doing so because we're equal coffee-twats in this house.

CathemeralChild · 16/07/2016 14:08

Juice?
Wait till he wees in it then. 😂😂

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 16/07/2016 14:17

I would have taken crying DS back out in to the garden and said, loudly, "daddy will put the pool up for you as soon as he's finished his coffee."

5 minutes of "have you finished yet daddy?" later he would have got his bottom off his chair and done it.

But, yes, ideally DH would have seen that you were busy with the party food & put the pool up for DS before relaxing with a coffee and a paper. That would have been the sensible option.

harshbuttrue1980 · 16/07/2016 14:18

How shocking that a child should have to wait for anything! Your DH should have sprang up out of his chair and put the pool up immediately. Making a child wait while their father has a coffee is terrible - the best lesson for any child to help them succeed in life is "cry, whinge and insist that you get your own way straight away". That's what's going to help your child be a happy and well adjusted member of society :-/ I'm assuming he's a PFB?? When he goes to nursery/school, he sometimes will have to wait for things. Your DH sounds reasonable - he was relaxing with a coffee and was then going to put the pool up.

Carrados · 16/07/2016 14:19

Just asked my DH this and he says your DH is definitely BU. Also wonders how he's going to enjoy his coffee with DS having a tantrum in the background Hmm

MachiKoro · 16/07/2016 14:24

Who gets to sit down with a coffee and a newspaper when they have an awake though three year old? Hmm
Only someone who is ignorant of what is required to care for a 3yo.

diddl · 16/07/2016 14:26

I don't think that you undermined him, but you doing stuff when he won't isn't going to solve anything unfortunately.

AndroidAddict · 16/07/2016 14:26

It's not the waiting that would have annoyed me, Harsh. It was that the husband had said yes, he would fill up the pool and then after a long wait (and 15 minutes is a very long wait for a 3 year old) he changed his mind and said no. From my understanding of the op it was this that caused the crying and the tantrum.

GabsAlot · 16/07/2016 14:40

did he even want children

sound slike a selfish idiot to me

diddl · 16/07/2016 14:42

How often does he do this?

Just not bother so that you take it?

Does he love his son?

OnTheTurningAway · 16/07/2016 14:57

Machi Who gets to sit down with a coffee and a newspaper when they have an awake though three year old?

This. I don't even have DC, but I'm pretty sure a coffee/paper would be significantly more relaxing AFTER other tasks are completed, especially if a 3 yr old is erm, monitoring and reminding you!

It's as if he sees parenting as not his job so can easily ignore it and relax.

I hate it when certain men (and sorry but is it automatic when they hit 35-40?) do this sort of "man of the house", leisurely, everyone and everything has to fit around me, defer to me as you ought to, fetch my pipe and slippers and listen to my manly views (which BTW are fact) about politics/Brexit/sport....

ApocalypseNowt · 16/07/2016 15:00

You can't undermine someone's parenting if they're not doing any....

Ed1tY0urPr0f1le · 16/07/2016 15:03

So he actually only said yes to the pool because he assumed you were going to put it up while he relaxed with his coffee?

LilacInn · 16/07/2016 15:06

I agree with Oearlman & Harshbuttrue. He was in charge of the kid and the pool; let him BE in charge instead of you rushing in to undermine. This is why men hang back in parenting - because mommy always, always k owns better.

It won't kill the child to learn to tolerate delayed gratification. In fact it will be good for it. At any rate it was the father's call at that moment, or should have been.

Shylo · 16/07/2016 15:11

My ex is exactly like this - yes you can have the pool up, yes I'll play with you, yes I'll help you with that ........ then wait wait wait til HE thinks it's time to do it. Let me just drink my coffee was always a favourite - could take anything up to half an hour by which time the kids have given up. Lazy, controlling behaviour which I don't miss at all

Katedotness1963 · 16/07/2016 15:23

I would have put the pool up first so l could have my coffee in peace...

pointythings · 16/07/2016 15:23

With children that age, you have to follow through. That means following through on threats, but also keeping your promises. So if you promised that the pool is going to be set up and then you say no, there isn't going to be a pool then yeah, expect tantrums. Your DH is a twat.

Isetan · 16/07/2016 15:31

The price of being a SAHM with this man is crap like this, though I suspect if you were working he'd still be acting this way, so this crap is the price of having a child with this man child. You should have let him suffer the consequence of his 'parenting' rather than let him use your invention as a convenient stick to beat you with.

Stop being the fall guy for his inadequate parenting by leaving him to parent solo.

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