to think I'm not a bad parent because my child hasn't learnt to swim?

[purplefan5]

DS is 7, he doesn't know how to swim and he is still in armbands, is this really so bad? I seem to get the worst looks when we go swimming, etc.

Is it really that bad? He doesn't want to do swimming lessons.. Are you supposed to force them?

[mollie123]

consider for a moment that the reason those people in their 70s and 80 never learned to swim is that we were not so fortunate to have the opportunity to do so - I think sometimes the current generation do not appreciate how much easier life is for them and their children.

[Tellypathic]

Don't worry - he's only 7. You can learn to swim at any age. IMO what's important is that you do not create a phobia by forcing him to do something that he massively objects to/has issues with. The good news is that you are taking him swimming already - even if it is with armbands on. If I were you I would start small and build up - making sure he doesn't feel stressed about it at any point. Find a nice shallow pool where he's not out of his depth. Feeling happy/confident in the water is the first step to learning to swim.

[LittleLionMansMummy]

I didn't have swimming lessons but learned by myself quite early. It helped having 4 week hols in France so i was in the pool every day. But my parents didn't take me swimming week to week or pay for lessons. I think swimming lessons are a relatively new thing actually, we all used to just muddle by. I'm quite a strong swimmer now.

That said, dh and I cannot teach my ds to swim. We are not qualified teachers and naturally when we take him swimming, ds has no interest in actually learning to swim, he wants to mess around and throw himself around the shallow end etc. So we've gone as far as we can in terms of giving him confidence in the water. We now believe it's important that he learns how to get himself out of trouble if he needs to - literally manages to get himself to the edge of a pool.

It's not about shirking our responsibility for him, but accidents do happen around busy swimming pools and he no longer wants to wear arm bands because, at 5, he believes he's a 'big boy' and doesn't need them. But he can't swim. So we have put him on a waiting list to learn at our local pool. I don't want an Olympic swimmer, but I do want him to respect the power of water and calmly get himself to safety. It's a life skill that we've realised we can't teach him ourselves.

[BertieBotts]

OP I can't swim well myself and my DS aged 7 also can't swim. We put him in for swimming lessons this year because we thought he was confident in the water, but actually the lessons freaked him out and when we watched him it became clear that he wasn't confident at all. We'd taken him being happy and relaxed in the water as a sign but actual water confidence is a very different skill.

Someone on a thread like this posted an extremely helpful link about developing water confidence, here: www.enjoy-swimming.com/overcoming-fear-of-water-1.html

I plan to go through the stages separately with him and then I think we'll both do much better. My mum has fear of water and my grandmother did too, my mum says don't worry about it, everyone's different, not everyone can swim and not to force him to be someone he's not, but I really feel like if we can overcome this obstacle it will be a really big gift I can give him. Not being able to physically swim is one thing but not being able to swim due to fear seems like an unnecessary block which can be overcome.

It's worth a try? And now I understand what water confidence is about I can see why we wouldn't have got very far before. BTW - a lot of those steps sound terrifying to me. But I think I'm going to just start with the first ones and go from there.

[Marthacliffscumbag]

It's all well and good 'watching them like a hawk' but sometimes you're not there. My sons school has a year 3 trip to an outward bound centre, complete with canoeing, boating etc, i need to know he is a confident swimmer before he takes part in case he gets into difficulty. I'm happy for him to go, is it really fair on children who havent been taught to swim to not be allowed the opportunity to go?

[SnotGoblin]

Wow, sorry I'm Australian and couldn't imagine why you wouldn't teach your child to swim well before the age of 7. Arm bands don't help non-swimmers (in my opinion) they hinder if anything. Get him some lessons asap. He needs to be confident in the water for his own safety.

[purplefan5]

But how will getting him lessons help? When he refuses to remove arm bands as he knows that he won't sink if he has them on? It would never work, he'd just get so upset

[SnotGoblin]

How about some people not being able to afford swimming lessons? Should the parents still be making cuts elsewhere to make sure they learn?
I would. If you aren't willing to, why not teach them yourself, for free?

[SnotGoblin]

Let him get upset? He'll eventually get less upset once he masters the skill and might even start enjoying himself. I would rather my child upset and learning how not to drown than happy and dead because they'd fallen into a body of water.

[kiki22]

I taught ds (4) to swim myself by taking him every week and taking his arm bands off giving him a pool noodle. I would try to get him swimming if you can its a great skill to have and imo the younger the better I never learned until 8 because my mum had a huge fear of water so never took us swimming I ended up being behind in the school lessons and had to stay separate since everyone else could swim I was still in the baby bit

[TheGreatDessert]

Speaking as an adult who cannot swim, whilst I wouldn't call you a bad parent I certainly don't thank mine for not ensuring I could swim. As an adult, it's embarrassing, potentially dangerous and limits what you can do. I can't just jump in a pool; when everyone else was jumping off a boat deck on holiday I wasn't; I panick in kayaks/canoes and am nervous on small boats; can't go snorkelling or scuba diving (would love to); but mostly just feel like a dick when I have to confess my lack of swimming ability to other adults - sometimes it can't be avoided.

I paid a fortune for 1 to 1 adult swimming lessons and still didn't succeed as my irrational fear is now deeply ingrained.

Don't force him and make swimming into a "thing", but do at least try and encourage him to be comfortable in the water.

[SlightlyperturbedOwl]

My DS1 started lessons at 7.5 yrs, he really didn't want to before that, so we just took him to the pool lots instead. Then he grudgingly conceded that lessons might be a good idea as one of his friends was thinking of having a party at the local pool and the guests had to be able to swim. 3 years of lessons later he has ASA gold and can happily swim 1km. Starting early is not right for every child, it is best if they want to learn. Also council-run lessons are quite variable. We paid 50p per lesson more for a private swim school with max class size of 4 and teacher in the water with them. It was worth it and overall it cost less than starting him at age 5 and taking longer.

[arethereanyleftatall]

'How do you force them?'

I'm a swimming teacher, and I'm perfectly happy to help them as long as you can get them poolside. In fact, my job satisfaction is from turning a petrified child in to a swimmer. I have had many a child cry in their first lesson, the longest it's taken me to get them happy is 3 lessons. I have never had a child continue to be scared.

[SlightlyperturbedOwl]

Also recommend 'noodles' rather than armbands

[PregnantAndEngaged]

I think those who do get uppety about this don't understand how traumatising it is for a child to be forced to do something they're terrified of, where a relaxed approach could have prevented a phobia and in time they could learn of their own will.

I feel this because I can't swim. I have a massive phobia and it was not possible to force me to learn, I was simply too scared to do so. Anyone trying to get me to do it just made me more scared. I'm now 26 and still can't swim/don't want to!

That said, my son is 1 and his dad takes him swimming. But I think if he were scared to do it, we wouldn't pressure him, we would be trying a more relaxed approach

[paap1975]

If he's in the shallow end, he can't sink. Are you sure you're not facilitating his fears?

[paap1975]

I say this as someone who is still struggling due to my mother passing on her fears

[SlightlyperturbedOwl]

mollie if I can just gently say with respect that 'different' is probably more accurate than 'easier'

[SnotGoblin]

I stopped taking my DS (8) to swimming lessons because he threw up in the changing room from fright last time.

Any ideas welcome from the "you're irresponsible" brigade. hmm

When did you start taking him? Did he only start at 8? My advice would have been take him from birth but that's no use to now. Sorry, no, I have nothing else but the banal 'keep taking him and make it a relaxed and calm re-introduction to water' type line of waffle.

Yours truly,

A representative of the 'you are being irresponsible brigade'.

[TheGreatDessert]

Also, yes to one to one lessons. Just a few to give some confidence might be all he needs. & there's no embarrassment if nobody else is around.

[Blatherskite]

I'm not a great swimmer. My main stroke is 'not drowning'. For this reason, I took Ds to his first swimming lesson when he was 6 months old. Obviously not to teach him to swim but to teach me to be comfortable supporting him in the water. He's now 9 and a very good swimmer who's recently learnt that he loves sailing and canoeing.

Without time travel this isn't an option for you of course but I'd try to make swimming more of a thing that you do. Maybe try a weekly family trip to the pool slowly putting less and less air in the arm bands until you 'forget' them one day? Talk to him about all the fun things - sailing, surfing, diving - that he could do if he could swim. Make it into something he'd like to do. Show him the life guards and reassure him that he's not going to drown. This is only going to get harder as he gets older

[Dixiechickonhols]

Check at your local pool they may be doing crash courses this summer. £20 a week for a lesson a day supposed to be equivalent to 8 normal weekly lessons.

[HeadDreamer]

Well I think it's the armbands that are getting you looks? And also taking a 7 year old to the pool who can't swim? My guess is that most 7 yo who can't swim don't go to the pool?

At least where I'm at, when I go to the council pool, all the kids who can't swim are much much younger. I thought it's just that those parents who want their kids to swim, and the kids who love to swim, would have learned by 7. For swimming, I mean just a little bit of front crawl and not drowning.

I don't think it's a essential life skill however. You can easily avoid not swimming. I would think driving is a more essential life skill unless you live in a big city.