to think I'm not a bad parent because my child hasn't learnt to swim?

[purplefan5]

DS is 7, he doesn't know how to swim and he is still in armbands, is this really so bad? I seem to get the worst looks when we go swimming, etc.

Is it really that bad? He doesn't want to do swimming lessons.. Are you supposed to force them?

[purplefan5]

He has a fear of drowning

[IneedAdinosaurNickname]

My almost 12 year old has only learned to swim properly in the last month or so. I've always taken him swimming. He's had lessons at school but he never 'got it' until recently. The mere suggestion of proper swimming lessons ended in tears and tantrums (he's a very anxious child).
I'm not worried and if people think I'm a bad mum for not teaching him sooner... I don't care!

[Mycatsabastard]

I don't advocate 'forcing' a child to have swimming lessons until they are ready.

My dd is 10. Two years ago she couldn't swim. She was terrified of getting her face wet, couldn't get her into the shower and I really didn't want to force her because it would make her more scared.

A year ago she decided she wanted to learn. A year on she has gone up six levels and is swimming like a fish.

I think confidence in the water is needed before swimming lessons.

[user1468330875]

If your son doesn't learn to swim, it may or not matter much to him now depending on where you live in the country.

I live near Bournemouth and we are near to the sea and several rivers. Around here it is pretty rare for a child not to learn to swim as they would miss out on so much fun especially as a teenager when the schools often to the outdoor education centre and do watersports.

Even if you live inland you may be close to a river and if your child was to fall into one and not know how to swim he wouldn't stand a chance.

Besides from that doom and gloom it is likely that in his later teenage years he may go away with his friends and if he is the only one who can't swim he will really feel as if he is missing out.

I think that you need to stop allowing him a choice about learning to swim, of course he doesn't want to now because he is scared because it is something new to him.

Find a reputable swimming class, preferably with the smallest class size you can and I would recommend that you don't stand there nervously watching him at first as hard as it will be this will make it a difficult experience for both of you.

Best of luck.

[HopeClearwater]

He has a fear of drowning

I'm sorry, but there's your reason to get him to learn to swim, right there.

One of my colleagues drowned at 22. Had never learned to swim. Fell asleep on a lilo in a shallow pool on holiday.

[Schwabischeweihnachtskanne]

My 5 year old asked for lessons and then screamed his way through the entire block of 10 I booked and paid for (they are not cheap here either - works out at 14€ / £10 per 45 minute lesson) so we are leaving it a year, going swimming at least once a week then trying again when he's 6. Other parents were "impressed" (not in a positive way I'm sure) that he didn't calm down after a couple of minutes the way parents always assure themselves kids always do in situations they are worried about...

He's been going swimming regularly since he was about 6 weeks old too - not every week but multiple times a week in summer as we J
have a local outdoor pool and maybe once a month in winter... He likes playing at the pool just not lessons.

I do agree it's a life skill (we have a lot of asylum seekers locally who almost universally can't swim and it's desperately sad that having made it all the way here almost every week last summer one was drowning in a lake when they'd managed to make local friends as the young adults here hang out at the lakes in summer. The local life saving club have had a big drive to offer free adult swimming lessons as a result, but last week a 14 year old drowned in a river...)

I absolutely agree it's a life skill but sympathise with the fact it's not always as easy as just being no nonsense about lessons!

Some people are draconian with their minimum standards too - I have to drive a 60 km round trip to actual lessons, so once my kids can swim 25 meters they improve by going to the much nearer outdoor pool multiple times per week May- September and then we drive less often to an indoor pool in the off season. Weekly lessons are unsustainable ling term for us, but my eldest can do 20 or so lengths now (about 500 meters) so they can improve stamina wise without lessons at least.

[AnecdotalEvidence]

I definitely wouldn't force it. Any use of force could do more harm than good and could be traumatic. There is no place for it when teaching a child to swim.
However, it is a vital life skill and you do need to ensure that he learns. You can teach him yourself or sign him up for lessons. As long as he can tough the bottom then a noodle will help him feel safe and build up his confidence.

[sirfredfredgeorge]

Flossieflower01 Swimming isn't optional for my kids. Rugby is unlikely to save your life, swimming very well might! Minimum of 1km distance, not just 25m.

1km! is that open water whilst being chased by sharks too? I do super agree that swimming is essential, do you really need to swim 1km?

That's 40minutes to make a B grade swimming race meet at 9, most kids are going to be even slower?

[MilicentKing]

You are probably getting looks because he's wearing arm bands rather than him not being able to swim.

Are you a confident swimmer yourself? I ask because I myself am not and know that my lack of confidence has not helped my children. I am not afraid of the water at all and I can swim reasonably well, it's just something I don't enjoy (I am a runner) and don't choose to go swimming as a family activity.

My DS is 7 and can only swim a little way. He does not lack confidence at all, just the technique and the opportunity (I hold my hands up!). We happened to meet a friend who is a swim instructor at the pool one day and within 5 mins, DS was diving down to the bottom....something that simply hadn't occurred for me to do with him.

He used to have lessons, but I stopped them when I got pissed off with the way the lessons were administered. I think he just needs an intensive course to get him properly on his way and I will do that once I've got my divorce out of the way.

If they can't swim they will miss out on a lot of water-based activities on school residential trips and Scouts, never mind the safety aspect ie knowing that they'll be OK when they're mucking about near a river with their mates aged 11.

[ohmygodyouguys]

I've never been able to swim properly. I just really hate putting my face in the water and always got "improvement needed" on my school reports for swimming! However I can keep afloat to some degree and can do what passes for a recognisable front crawl. I know my limits and don't go far enough into the sea where I can't feel the ground or into the deep end at a swimming pool. Haven't drowned yet.

It's up to you whether you make him go for lessons but if he's like me and hates putting his face in the water he might be limited in how well he'll be able to swim.

[paap1975]

If he's scared of drowning, I don't see your logic. Surely he's much more likely to drown if he can't swim!?!

[Peasandsweetcorn]

Until I joined MN, I had never heard swimming described as an "essential life skill" and I continue to be baffled by the phrase. It is a nice skill to have but only if you don't want to watch your kids like a hawk each time they have access to a river, lake, sea or pool does it become an essential skill. Even in those circumstances, I would be surprised if many 7yo could save themselves if they unexpectedly fell in a cold body of water with no bottom or side whilst fully clothed.
It may buy you time to rescue them which is obviously beneficial but doesn't make it an essential life skill. Teaching them behaviours to not get into that position is more important!

[iwouldgoouttonight]

Those who say they'd force their child to learn to swim, how do you force them? Both my DCs went to swimming lessons from the age of 4/5 and both hated it. DC1 did get to stage one but DC2 even after a year still hadnt really got anywhere and wouldn't put her face in the water. They both got to the stage where it was a battle to get them in the car, they sobbed while they were getting changed, and they point blank refused to go in the water. Would you just put them in anyway? Wouldn't that make them associate swimming with being miserable? I would have had to literally pick them up and drag them into the water with me and probably ruin everyone else's lessons with their sobbing.

They're 7 and 9 now and still can't swim. If you're a bad parent OP, so am I.

[mollie123]

I have never learnt to swim - in spite of a terms rudimentary swimming lessons at grammar school in a cold outdoor pool.
It is really not an 'essential' life skill unless you participate in water type sports or live very close to water.
I was going to learn as an adult but at 70 - I see no reason to pursue it - as someone said upthread knowing how to swim can put you in more danger because you think any water is kind of like the swimming pool.
I have crossed the Atlantic twice, been on ferries and river boats and I have never considered being unable to swim in a 'swimming pool' has placed me in any greater danger. Just my opinion of course.
If a child wants to swim and enjoys it - it is good exercise but not an absolutely 'essential life skill'

[Dutchcourage]

I'm a swimming teacher so a bit biased !

If he is that scared you need to take things very slow and just start off with playing in shallow, sitting down, playing with toys. Not pressure. He needs a experience teacher that will not rush him but build up confidence before he takes his feet of the floor.

Children who are petrified of water turn in to adults who are petrified of water. No swimming in the pool and no teaching their kids to swim.

Don't expect school swimming to make much of a difference unless they have a 1-2-1 in the water with him as the classes are to be and the ability to broad and weaker swimmers always get left behind.

So I'd see it as an investment in to his future and also an essential life skill and also a skill that allows him to make the most of his holidays, free time, exercise

[OneArt]

My friend never learnt to swim as a child. She does blame her parents for it tbh.

[Marthacliffscumbag]

Not a 'bad' parent no, but honestly I think it's irresponsible for a child of that age not to be able to swim yet.
He's 7, therefore easily able to understand why he should be able to swim by now.
As for 'forcing' him, well don't we all make decisions on behalf of our children without consulting them? Where they go to school, what time they go to bed etc, this is just another decision you need to make for his welfare and well being, tough shit if he doesn't like it quite frankly, one day it could very well save his life, surely that's worth something?
As an aside, my eldest fell in a swimming pool when he was three (a fenced off swimming pool with a locked gate) reaching for a watering can on the surface, he sunk to the bottom, floated to the top, swam to the edge and pulled himself out. He's alive (and now 8) because of swimming lessons.

[Dutchcourage]

.
It is really not an 'essential' life skill unless you participate in water type sports or live very close to water

No, no your right. It's not essential. It's just literatly one of those 'sink or swim' type senarios isn't it

The amount of elderly people I've taught to swim in their 70s and 80s is shocking and they ALL bitterly regretted not having the chance to learn or being put off. So they all spent a life time watching and waving and 'paddling' while their friends and family were having a ball.

Why would you not want your children to be able to do this??? Never mind the aspect of y'know being able to get out of danger if they ever fell in!

🙈🙈

[mollie123]

my son learnt to swim at school and he loved it - something I could never understand and I never pushed him to it. Op - you child will probably learn in his own time and it is much easier now than it was when I was young. You are not a bad parent - we are all differant.

[purplefan5]

No one doesn't not want their child to swim, it's a matter of not wanting to force them when they're petrified

[BalloonSlayer]

I stopped taking my DS (8) to swimming lessons because he threw up in the changing room from fright last time.

Any ideas welcome from the "you're irresponsible" brigade.