To ask whats the problem with MIL buying thier own clothes for their GC?

[MintJulip]

My mil does this and I see it much mentioned on MIL threads.

My MIL is always buying new clothes for the dc, sometimes she gives them to us sometimes not. I can tell she is slightly irked when she sees I have brought new clothes for them. The dc will often come back in new outfits and any pics they send to us from their house dc are in different clothes than what I dressed them in.
I personally have long issues with MIl and fil, but I just wondered what is it about this specific issue of clothes that other posters find odd?

To be fair Agent it's not something for you to get worked up about because it has never happened to you.

cray that might be true but it doesn't mean I don't have an opinion on how I'd feel if it did. In the grand scheme of things, I just don't see it as being that important.

Agent says her MIL does buy her kids clothes so is does happen. The thread asks about GP buying clothes and they do.

granny I think because my MIL has never had the opportunity to redress my kids that must mean I'm not allowed an opinion on it according to cray

Agent I vote for you having an opinion particularly as the thread title doesn't say anything about redressing kids just buying their clothes.

Thank you granny

Why do grandparents often try and buy loads of crap instead of just one decent item also? Mine would try and buy 5 pairs of bad quality pyjamas for example instead of just one nice pair. Why so many? Those 5 pairs all end up in the bin by the end of the year, instead of the one pair that is past on to sibling and then friends still in good condition. It's taken us a good few years to pursuade less is more

Art I don't mind the clothes, it's the 3000 cheap toys that break after 30 seconds and magazines that my kids never read

Our parents helped out by looking after the children perhaps once a year, in an emergency. We had no help at all on a regular day to day basis unless we paid for it. No night out without a babysitter.

If grandparents had looked after my dc regularly giving me a break I think I'd have been able to compromise, especially if it saved me money on clothes anyway. My mum always bought nicer stuff than I did.

Reading all these posts about controlling grandparents and general oddness makes me doubly glad for my entirely normal parents, who buy bits and pieces for spares at their house (which always end up coming home and rarely returned as DD always likes and keeps wearing) or something that they think DD will like, and I'm always offered the receipt/chance to change. DF is not one to keep his comments to himself and told DSis many times that she had her DD looking like Max Wall in leggings but they would never change them unless there was a practical need. Lots of very much approved of pink frilly things bought when both DGDs were babies (DSis and I very much embraced that) Sympathies to those of you dealing with mad GPs. I might start hiring my parents out. No MIL and FIL would never buy clothes ever, so different circumstances.

So my daughter has just returned from a 4 night stay with my parents. As school has broken up and I have to work and don't have any camps running this week. My mum took her (8 years old) shopping and bought her some leggings and tops and a summer dress ( asked me what she needed before hand). I am so so grateful. I barely get time to take her out( she loves it) and I see it as very generous of my mum to do this. She also says she will put the equivalent money spent in my account so I can do the same for my son. She doesn't do it all the time ( they live 3 hours away) it's kind of a nice treat. She would never be 'irked' about what I buy her although she would mention it if she felt my daughter was a bit lacking in the wardrobe area. Which in fairness she sometimes is as I try to re-use clothes from my older son where possible ( not because we can't afford it but I hate waste and I'm not big on fashion). At 8 years old tho - my daughter despite being a tomboy and not bothered previously wants nicer clothes now she is getting towards 9.
I think the real issue here is whether the MIL thinks she is just helping out/treating her GD or whether she actually means to control/undermine. I would be interested in knowing how the OP considers her to be 'irked'- how does she actually show that? Or are you just perceiving it that way?

Roses that's a shame, my parents have always been very involved with my kids, despite living in another country, they still have a better relationship and see more of my kids than my MIL who lives 25 minutes away by car. When my oldest DS was a baby they still lived here and we're always on hand for babysitting etc but for my twins they are abroad so we don't have nights out really, I can count on a close friend to babysit once in a blue moon but this is usually kept for emergencies and for as short a time as I can manage, 2 babies and a 6 year old are a lot for someone who doesn't have kids! My MIL has never babysat any of my children, they only see her when we visit my MIL so I suppose she is over compensating by buying them clothes etc in place of attention/affection... Sad really...

It is horrible for all the reasons mentioned but I have a very close friend whose GM did this and it messed her up. When children are made to feel they have to be different in different family members' homes it's not just rude it's potentially psychologically damaging.

When children are made to feel they have to be different in different family members' homes it's not just rude it's potentially psychologically damaging

I think part of growing up is learning that there is a huge variety of human behaviour and you behave differently in different places.

As a step-parent I realise that my stepchildren would have had rather different circumstances in their Dad's and their mother's house. The food was different, the kinds of activities were rather different, the way in which we talked with them was rather different, the house itself was different.

Arguably the poor communication between their parents may have been something they had to contend with psychologically - but I think they moved reasonably happily between both settings, and probably felt there were good things about (and people in) each place.

My MIL spends literally thousands on clothes for DC.

When my DS was a baby (PFB) it irked me. I used to think that my taste wasn't good enough.

However I VERY quickly learned to just be massive grateful and let her get on with it.

It saves us time and money and we are hugely thankful that our children are constantly dressed in beautiful clothing, even if it's not things of have necessarily chosen.

I say pick your battles. This isn't one.

• massively

Also - in laws aren't well off particularly either! We're blessed.

And this is despite her being quite miffed when I buy clothes for DCs.

Let her get on with it I say.

I've no problem with friends and family buying clothes for dd. My problem was xMIL changing dd out of whatever I'd put her in the minute she clapped eyes on her. Never once did she say something along the lines of "Do you mind if she wears this new dress" and if I said something like "Can you please leave her in that outfit? Aunty Joan bought it and as we are all going to lunch I wanted her to see dd in it" I would be told just to thank Aunty Joan as she was going to wear MILs outfit.

As I wasn't going to subject dd to a physical struggle over her clothes she would get away with it. To this day she keeps a separate wardrobe for dd and she isn't allowed to wear any clothes from home.

i just can get worked up over this. Dmil buys clothes not just for ds's but for dp and me too. If i like it i wear it and if not, say thanks and put it to the back of the closet never to be seen again. As for ds, he doesnt care what clothes he has on prefers to be naked mostly so if she wants to dress him up for her pleasure, crack on. Saves me time and money buying clothes!

Hi apologies for being new to this so don't know how to reply, but yea of course children need to learn things are differnt in differrnt houses but they need to kniw they can just be them, wherever they are

It's not something that ever bothered me and I certainly didn't think the GP's were undermining my parenting. When DD1 was born my MIL bought a pram to be kept at her house (fine by me at it saved me taking mine over). She used to dress DD in the most awful pink frilly dresses and take her to meet MILs friends in the pram she bought. Again it never bothered me. DD was loved, happy and MIL would never have done anything to hurt or upset her. Before anyone says it NO she wasn't trying to be DD's mum, she was a granny who loved her DGD. She did the same when the rest of our kids came along. My kids also had their own bedrooms at MIL's with things she'd chosen to furnish the rooms with and they loved going to stay. Some parents really need to stop being so damn possessive over their kids IMO. I feel sorry for some MIL's on here judging by some posts. They're damned if they do and damned if they don't.

It's never bothered me. The GPs love buying clothes for our DC, MIL picks up an item from the supermarket most weeks. Saves me the extra expense!

My perspective is that the GPs enjoy doing it, young kids clothes are cute and I definitely dont see it as a slight on my own clothing choices.

It may tie in with the fact that despite none of us being perfect, the inlaws and I have always made a real effort to get on, for the sake of DH and my DCs. I think life's too short to spend falling out and getting upset about minor things.

Well! I’m astounded! When my eldest son’s partner had their daughter he had just left his job and was starting his own business but it had been held up so they didn’t have a lot of money spare. So I bought sales clothes and charity shop clothes - nice ones - so she had plenty of clothes for their daughter so she didn’t run out before the washed ones were dry. She appreciated that ( and we had similar taste ) so it was fine. As the business got underway I stopped doing that but kept some at my house so they had spares when the family came over as they lived a long way away. My other son’s partner had a son. I mentioned that I had got some clothes items for him if they’d like them ( again on a practical level - spare clothes and save them money like joggers; a hoodie; nice tee shirt that was similar to what they put him in) - they really didn’t like it! If I want to get them any clothes for him I must check beforehand with them. Which I have no problem with - I’m only trying to help. Why do people get so defensive? It’s not a big deal. I suppose in a way I wish I had had that support when mine were young - clothes can be expensive on top of everything else when you are a new parent. My own MIL was a nightmare! She wanted me to move down to Devon so she could bring up the grandchildren and I could go immediately out to work and she did everything she could to try to make it happen! Needless to say - I didn’t!

I used to get annoyed when my mil used to literally wait until my car was out of sight when I dropped my daughter to hers as a little girl then she would put her hair up..every single time. My daughter didn't like her hair up

Both my mum and MIL have leggings, some supermarket or primark cheap T-shirts and jumpers, underwear, socks, charity shop wellies, cheap puddle suits & few pairs of pyjamas in a drawer at their respective houses. My mum has some crocs for the garden for dd too and a winter coat her friend gave her that was a hand me down from her friends granddaughter. I love it and think it’s great as I don’t have to pack a bag of spares for all eventualities if my dd is going there for an hour or an afternoon or if we pop in when passing and dd gets a whole bowl of ice cream down herself, goes in the garden in the rain or for a water fight with grandpa, or whatever! I do however think it’s weird that a grandparent would immediately change their clothes on arrival to something ‘of their choice’ - unless dc turn up literally in stinking, heavily stained, ripped, clearly too small clothing.